Hi there,
I have been helping a senior who doesn’t have very supportive family. I’ve basically been helping them navigate through life, like scheduling appts, searching online, looking for a new senior community, etc. Lately I feel like they are pressing me and also others (that we both know) to “take them in”. They say things like “I’ll be at your place soon”, and “I don’t need much, you can have my social security”. It’s really starting to be uncomfortable (and note, they have a place to live now that is with other seniors). They even went as far as wanting my children to refer to them with a “grandparent-like” title. I thought it was so strange and a little overreaching because they don’t really know my kids. And to be honest I didn’t want my mom to get wind of it either and maybe get upset. They also got frustrated with me one time because they said I should have a doctor’s number saved that I didn’t have saved. I told them that it wasn’t my responsibility. Sorry if I’m rambling. I want the best for them of course, but am I in over my head in this relationship? Should I start pulling away? This is all volunteer work, I was just trying to help someone in need but wowza. I don’t want to burn myself out in the process. I’ve tried talking to them about why they couldn’t live with me but the topic comes up repeatedly.
Thank you
Of course they are happy, your doing their job. Time for them to step up to the plate. Your making their lives easier while your getting overwhelmed over someone who is not related to you.
Helping them look for a new place to live...if they find a new place, whose going to arrange the move? You shouldn't. Thats between them and their family.
The friend I helped was an only child as was her mother. Her Dad was the baby of his family at 87. His sisters were in their 90s. So no family to help. My GFs daughters were worthless. My GF could have helped her mother if her diabetes had not gotten worse and she lost a leg. Her poor husband had to keep working to pay the hospital bills. If there had been extended family, I don't think I would have helped as much as I did. In the end, I had to back away.
Do explain to family that these people are relying on you too much. That they actually "expect" you to be at their beck and call. You can't do that so you are backing off. I will tell you, you must continue to be firm. I don't care how upset they get. Your not their daughter, just a friend that can no longer be entangled with them.
Again, my Mantra "I am hear to help people find a way, not be the way"
Start figuring out a way you can start detaching in a kind way. Start setting boundaries. Remind them that they have a family they can call.
Their family might be waiting for them to fail and you are interfering by propping this person up. Most seniors won’t accept help until they fail.
Step back and ask if you are really helping or if you are really hurting the situation and at any rate, this is unsustainable
I mean - Wow, she can afford Assisted Living... and she has family, too. She probably has more than most seniors. At least the ones I know.
You're obviously a very helpful, compassionate person. However, you're directing it all to someone who doesn't truly need it - based on what you yourself say.
It’s hard for me to stop cold turkey, honestly, so I plan to scale back the phone calls by blocking them during certain time periods. I don’t know if this is very smart of me, but they get kind of crazy when I’m firm with them (like saying they will disappear and things like that), so I think it may be better to taper off.
I will prepare some social service resources and all of the “virtual paperwork” that I’ve gathered for them over this wild past year and hand it over. I don’t think there’s much point in reaching out to the family. Their family knows me and was happy that “someone was doing it,” but I don’t think they really talk to this person on a regular basis. They are in AL, so technically have their basic needs met.
I was worried about being criticized for “leaving them hanging” because our families know each other, but it is what it is.
It will nip that in the bud immediately
the senior to ask for a social worker to see what resources there are for them . This puts this senior on their radar and off your hands. The other option is you make this call to the Agency , describe that you can not help anymore .
Let this senior know that you can no longer provide help .
Helping someone on occasion is OK but for you to expect having their doctor number and be available more is unacceptable. And it will only get worse.
I would stop cold turkey once the AL knows you no longer will be involved. I am sure that a family member placed them in the AL. And because of what you have seen, they do not keep in touch because these people expect more out of family than what they are willing to give.
Grace had prepared a nice dinner and they ate it, exchanged pleasantries throughout, and when John and Dana were looking forward to leaving afterward, she produced a will that she'd typed. She wanted them to witness her signature. They said they'd rather not, and she became blustery as in "I cooked you this nice dinner and you won't even do this little thing for me."
They were so uncomfortable that they finally agreed, both read the will and didn't find it anything out of the ordinary. They witnessed her signature and left. Afterward Grace kept calling John but he blocked her number.
It's sad, but these needy folks get like vampires. Since then I've seen other desperate elders pulling the same kind of stunts. Beware.
This person is being "propped up" by you and others that are "helping"
When you say this is "volunteer work" are you with an organization that provides volunteers or is this someone that you met and realized they needed help? the answer to this is important.
If this is just someone you met then maybe a call to your local Senior Service Center and explain that this person needs more help than you are prepared to give.
If you are working as a volunteer for an organization you need to talk to your volunteer supervisor and explain what is going on and that maybe this person needs a Social Worker to step in. I would also say that you should ask to be reassigned to another person.
Listen to the uncomfortable feelings you're getting.
This is not someone who is grateful for your help, but is trying to manipulate you into giving more and more.
They probably wore out their welcome with their own family, and that's why they are no longer supportive.
She was an angel. She would look in on my aunt, cook for her, do her laundry, take her to appointments. My aunt has nieces and nephews that live close to her. However, from what I understood from her, they only came around when they needed to borrow money.
My aunt started getting really attached to her neighbor because she was good hearted and Godly. I didn't want her to become attached. The neighbor was moving away and I told aunt that she was going to be moving soon and she had to start thinking about long term without her, but aunt was in serious, serious denial. She didn't believe she was moving and would leave her. She told me they became like sisters. The neighbor did eventually end up moving and leaving aunt.
My advice to you is to pull back. This senior probably does have family some where. You cannot be made responsible, and the more you do, the more you will find yourself being drawn in. Detach, immediately. She has to find some other means of support.
Are you able to connect with a family member. If so, contact them and explain what is going on. Tell them you can no longer be of help because their LO is expecting more than you are able to give. Suggest that they have this person checked for Dementia.
My husband and I helped a friends family for a while with appts and other things. The Grandmother was an only child, my friend was an only child, #1 diabetic with a 25yr old daughter with health problems. The friends father passed as did my friend. In the meatime, I started watching my infant grandson and my Mom was showing signs of Dementia. I had to back away. I saw where the Grandmother was starting to depend on me and getting a little demanding.
My mantra "I am here to help people find the way, not be the way". I do not volunteer anymore. I found that then things are expected because its felt "you have the time". If asked, I will do it if I can.
They live in an assisted living home and hate it so much.
The US is full of Elder Orphans, seniors who have no spouse, partner or adult children (and this is a growing demographic). The impact of this comes home to roost in their age-related years of decline -- especially if they've made no real plans to deal with it.
The "best" you can do for that senior is connect them with social services and give them the number to their local Area Agency on Aging. The more you orbit around them, the more you give the impression that they are "independent" when they actually are not. This delays real solutions. The senior of course will not like it but there is no other option.
Many a well-meaning neighbor has gotten sucked into the care vortex. Bless you for helping this person to this point but now it's time to ease out.
Clearly, your assistance has been interpreted by them as “we are family” and it does make me a little sad for them. But they need to look elsewhere for this kind of support. I absolutely recommend strong boundaries.
You sound like a very kind and friendly person who is having a hard time saying “no.” The most interesting sentence for me is “And to be honest I didn’t want my mom to get wind of it either and maybe get upset.” Is that only about the “grandparent like” nickname? Or could this senior be triggering feelings in you about needing to be the obedient, supportive daughter?
For your questions. Our families know each other. I was just supposed to be helping her find an apartment 🙃. It’s been over a year now, mostly phone calls and admin work. Some pick ups also.
Time to step away.
There are lots of great places to volunteer at, if you love being a volunteer.
This is your life. Don't give in to the pressure. Look up some local resources, like your Office on Aging, and give them a list of phone numbers. Then gracefully but firmly step back.
How do you plan to “start pulling away”?
They live in an assisted living home but are fairly active and ended up there under odd circumstances. I say “they” just trying to give some privacy but I think I gave away the gender in a comment anyway 😬.