Hi there,
I have been helping a senior who doesn’t have very supportive family. I’ve basically been helping them navigate through life, like scheduling appts, searching online, looking for a new senior community, etc. Lately I feel like they are pressing me and also others (that we both know) to “take them in”. They say things like “I’ll be at your place soon”, and “I don’t need much, you can have my social security”. It’s really starting to be uncomfortable (and note, they have a place to live now that is with other seniors). They even went as far as wanting my children to refer to them with a “grandparent-like” title. I thought it was so strange and a little overreaching because they don’t really know my kids. And to be honest I didn’t want my mom to get wind of it either and maybe get upset. They also got frustrated with me one time because they said I should have a doctor’s number saved that I didn’t have saved. I told them that it wasn’t my responsibility. Sorry if I’m rambling. I want the best for them of course, but am I in over my head in this relationship? Should I start pulling away? This is all volunteer work, I was just trying to help someone in need but wowza. I don’t want to burn myself out in the process. I’ve tried talking to them about why they couldn’t live with me but the topic comes up repeatedly.
Thank you
This person is being "propped up" by you and others that are "helping"
When you say this is "volunteer work" are you with an organization that provides volunteers or is this someone that you met and realized they needed help? the answer to this is important.
If this is just someone you met then maybe a call to your local Senior Service Center and explain that this person needs more help than you are prepared to give.
If you are working as a volunteer for an organization you need to talk to your volunteer supervisor and explain what is going on and that maybe this person needs a Social Worker to step in. I would also say that you should ask to be reassigned to another person.
Listen to the uncomfortable feelings you're getting.
This is not someone who is grateful for your help, but is trying to manipulate you into giving more and more.
They probably wore out their welcome with their own family, and that's why they are no longer supportive.
She was an angel. She would look in on my aunt, cook for her, do her laundry, take her to appointments. My aunt has nieces and nephews that live close to her. However, from what I understood from her, they only came around when they needed to borrow money.
My aunt started getting really attached to her neighbor because she was good hearted and Godly. I didn't want her to become attached. The neighbor was moving away and I told aunt that she was going to be moving soon and she had to start thinking about long term without her, but aunt was in serious, serious denial. She didn't believe she was moving and would leave her. She told me they became like sisters. The neighbor did eventually end up moving and leaving aunt.
My advice to you is to pull back. This senior probably does have family some where. You cannot be made responsible, and the more you do, the more you will find yourself being drawn in. Detach, immediately. She has to find some other means of support.
Are you able to connect with a family member. If so, contact them and explain what is going on. Tell them you can no longer be of help because their LO is expecting more than you are able to give. Suggest that they have this person checked for Dementia.
My husband and I helped a friends family for a while with appts and other things. The Grandmother was an only child, my friend was an only child, #1 diabetic with a 25yr old daughter with health problems. The friends father passed as did my friend. In the meatime, I started watching my infant grandson and my Mom was showing signs of Dementia. I had to back away. I saw where the Grandmother was starting to depend on me and getting a little demanding.
My mantra "I am here to help people find the way, not be the way". I do not volunteer anymore. I found that then things are expected because its felt "you have the time". If asked, I will do it if I can.
The US is full of Elder Orphans, seniors who have no spouse, partner or adult children (and this is a growing demographic). The impact of this comes home to roost in their age-related years of decline -- especially if they've made no real plans to deal with it.
The "best" you can do for that senior is connect them with social services and give them the number to their local Area Agency on Aging. The more you orbit around them, the more you give the impression that they are "independent" when they actually are not. This delays real solutions. The senior of course will not like it but there is no other option.
Many a well-meaning neighbor has gotten sucked into the care vortex. Bless you for helping this person to this point but now it's time to ease out.
Clearly, your assistance has been interpreted by them as “we are family” and it does make me a little sad for them. But they need to look elsewhere for this kind of support. I absolutely recommend strong boundaries.
You sound like a very kind and friendly person who is having a hard time saying “no.” The most interesting sentence for me is “And to be honest I didn’t want my mom to get wind of it either and maybe get upset.” Is that only about the “grandparent like” nickname? Or could this senior be triggering feelings in you about needing to be the obedient, supportive daughter?
Time to step away.
There are lots of great places to volunteer at, if you love being a volunteer.
This is your life. Don't give in to the pressure. Look up some local resources, like your Office on Aging, and give them a list of phone numbers. Then gracefully but firmly step back.
How do you plan to “start pulling away”?