If her marbles are more or less intact, she does it because you let it. Plus I also suspect she's always done it.
Next time, remove yourself from the situation Go for a long walk if only to breathe and lower blood pressure. Tell her you'll be back when you don't hear her. Behaviors w/o consequences are usually repeated, and the fact she's struggling with existential angst doesn't give her a license to verbally abuse you.
Don't feed into it. At her age and condition, you're probably the only "thing" she feels she can still control. Find a way to deny her that pleasure w/o shouting matches.
Shouting at you is anger at becoming old and losing what one held so dear to her. Working with elders for many years, I have prepared myself for "old age" by always thinking and speaking positively and staying involved with a myriad of activities especially listening to tapes which are very spiritual and uplifting, taking walks and talking with the trees, the garden and flowers, listening to my favorite music,starting the day with a prayer and sending cards to those who need a bit of encouragement. I love the computer which keeps me in contact with the outside world. I am 78 and have no intention of becoming bitter, angry and manipulative and taking my feelings out on those near to me.
It could be frustration, depression or dementia. My mother who passed away in July this year was the same with me. We had some awful arguments. In the end when my mother started shouting I just used to walk out of the house as I found it best not to retalite back, but I know it's very hard - my heart goes out to you.
My mother also got angry. It was hurtful to me and frustrating and I was upset with how nasty she could be, but.... When I stepped away, I realized she was profundly afraid in a way I could not understand (until the day I am her age and in her health). She was upset and felt she had no other way to influence the things that were happening to her and in her life. It was ugly.
It was very hard for me personally, but I tried as hard as I could not to do the same thing she was doing. When she was quiet, I would circle back to her and sit down with her and say that I thought she might be afraid or upset about something and might want things to go another way. I'd ask her what she wanted and asked her to talk to me, rather than getting angry.
I also told her that I did not want to be ugly too and I did not want behave that way either. Someone told me to hug her and tell her I love her every day. I did that. Although it was not an easy journey, in the end I was glad that I had the chance to spend a few with her, to help her in those final years and to be kind to her.
Hoping you find a way to work through this with your mom. Mine passed away at the end of October and I am so thankful for this site and for the help I got to bring the arguments down to peaceful conversations and to get a chance to tell each other how much we loved and admired each other. I also got a chance to tell her that I wanted to be there to help her though the things she found hard or frustrating.
I will have that for the rest of my life. It is such a great gift and I wish the same for you.
Next time, remove yourself from the situation Go for a long walk if only to breathe and lower blood pressure. Tell her you'll be back when you don't hear her. Behaviors w/o consequences are usually repeated, and the fact she's struggling with existential angst doesn't give her a license to verbally abuse you.
Don't feed into it. At her age and condition, you're probably the only "thing" she feels she can still control. Find a way to deny her that pleasure w/o shouting matches.
Working with elders for many years, I have prepared myself for "old age" by always thinking and speaking positively and staying involved with a myriad of activities especially listening to tapes which are very spiritual and uplifting, taking walks and talking with the trees, the garden and flowers, listening to my favorite music,starting the day with a prayer and sending cards to those who need a bit of encouragement. I love the computer which keeps me in contact with the outside world. I am 78 and have no intention of becoming bitter, angry and manipulative and taking my feelings out on those near to me.
It was very hard for me personally, but I tried as hard as I could not to do the same thing she was doing. When she was quiet, I would circle back to her and sit down with her and say that I thought she might be afraid or upset about something and might want things to go another way. I'd ask her what she wanted and asked her to talk to me, rather than getting angry.
I also told her that I did not want to be ugly too and I did not want behave that way either. Someone told me to hug her and tell her I love her every day. I did that. Although it was not an easy journey, in the end I was glad that I had the chance to spend a few with her, to help her in those final years and to be kind to her.
Hoping you find a way to work through this with your mom. Mine passed away at the end of October and I am so thankful for this site and for the help I got to bring the arguments down to peaceful conversations and to get a chance to tell each other how much we loved and admired each other. I also got a chance to tell her that I wanted to be there to help her though the things she found hard or frustrating.
I will have that for the rest of my life. It is such a great gift and I wish the same for you.