How do I handle the rude comments my Mom makes about other residents in her assisted living home?

My mother is very two-faced. She will visit with someone outside for a while, then come back in and say how she wishes they wouldn't come over. She talks about what their shortcomings are, and how she just wanted to go outside without being bothered. Of course, I've caught her talking about me, too. I don't pay any attention to her anymore. I think she would explode if she had to say something nice about someone... Strange... I just thought about it, and I can't recall her ever saying anything nice about anyone or anything. She probably has, but I wasn't within earshot that day.

I think most of the comments above, have missed the point. If your mother has dementia, nothing you SAY to her, will change anything. It will only aggravate you, because you still believe she should remember what you said and that she can rationalize. You should assume she CAN'T even remember saying whatever it was that offended you, much less that you pointed out her "bad" behavior. There are meds that can help to make her less aggressive/negative towards others. You are offended by this behavior because your mother raised you to be compassionate to others. Do you think if she was able to recognize her behavior as "bad", that she would continue to do it? Probably not. In the beginning (before realization set in) I would try to point out to my mom that she had said or done something offensive, she would tell me I was lying. Before dementia onset, my mom was considered by most who met her to be a smart, polite, classy, well dressed, southern lady. I'm sure she would be appalled by her own behavior today. You need to CONTINUOUSLY work on acceptance of the situation. If there are others with dementia, in the facility, the caregivers there should be able to help you understand. If not seek out counseling. Learning how to deal with these issues and more serious to come, on your own will surely frustrate you. Education is the key to gaining the ability to deal with this traitorous disease.

"Mom, dementia can happen to anyone. It could happen to someone in our family. I don't want to listen to these comments any more." If she persists, leave the room.

"Well, you really look good eating the food they serve! I'm sorry you don't enjoy it, but there is nothing I can do about it. Let's talk about something else."

This sounds almost identical to my Mother's comments a couple of years ago in independent living. I finally decided that it's part of her dementia--i.e., losing her inhibitions so that she would just say anything! As she has grown older, she has become much quieter (some aphasia) so it's not as much of a problem as it used to be.

I love Jeanne's answer--just don't listen to it. In my Mother's case, I tried to emphasize that the "crazy people" need friendship and kindness. I also tried redirecting her attention to some other topic/interest. That usually worked.

I think elderly and those with dementia just say what they feel and what is on their mind at that moment. Almost the same as a young child, want an honest answer ask a kid. Those who work with dementia patients know this is part of the disease and have heard it before. Loved ones embarrassed, try to hush them probably making it worse. Maybe getting her attention and changing the subject or leave the room.

The food thing can be a real game changer. When my MIL died a couple of years ago, my 92 year old FIL decided to sell their home and move to an assisted living place here in town. Actually it's independent living, but he has someone with him most of the time because he has some mobility problems. He has no dementia.

He complained daily about the food. He really hated it. It was a good balanced diet, but it was really prepared poorly. He grew more and more angry and unhappy at the facility, almost entirely due to how bad he felt the food was.

So he decided to move to another facility nearby. The food is just great. My wife and I usually eat with him there most Sundays. As a result of the change in the food, he is much, much more happy and satisfied. It seems to have made a real difference to the quality of his life. The move turned out to be a really smart decision.

Hi Dswope 13,
This article just came out, it might help.
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/alzheimers-patients-share-their-experiences-153702.htm?utm_source=Newsletter&utm_medium=Email&utm_campaign=Newsletter%20-%20October%2031,%202012

My mom makes rude comments to and about the staff whom work at the assisted living facility. They are used to it and realize that she can't be held responsible for what she says - most of the time. I treat her like a child sometimes, asking her like she used to ask me, "Now Mama, do you think it's alright to talk about those other people like that"? As for the food (and the medicines she forgets that she has taken so accuses them of not being given by staff, or being lied to) I just tell her "Mama, I know you're not crazy about the food sometimes. But, I've been here to eath with you (which I have) sometimes, and the food they give y'all is really good".

Complaining about the food is typical for women moving into a facility. The kitchen was the woman's domain. She had complete control of what was prepared and how it was cooked. Giving up the freedom to prepare your own meals is very challenging. While she may no longer be able to prepare her own meals, perhaps the facility has a food committee on which she could participate? Could they add or increase the number of cooking activities?

My mother never had anything good to say about anybody female. She only had good things to say about men. Took me a long time to 'catch on' to that odd part of her personality.