How do I handle the rude comments my Mom makes about other residents in her assisted living home? - AgingCare.com

How do I handle the rude comments my Mom makes about other residents in her assisted living home?

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She has been living in a facility for the last three months. She is quite pleasant and easy to get along with, so the staff treat her very well, and I feel go above and beyond to satisfy her requests. The problem is, that a number of the other residents have varying degrees of dementia, which Mom refers to as "crazy". I am so offended by her comments, and I have explained to Mom that they cannot help the way they are, and to have more compassion for them, but the rudeness continues. Mom is also showing signs of dementia, but she does not recognize that in herself, and feels she is "normal", especially compared to the other residents.
The other complaint she voices is about the menu. She is provided a healthy, well balanced diet, and has lost a considerable amount of weight, which was greatly needed. How do I fend off these conversation regarding her meals?
I am tired of having these same conversations. Does anyone have similar situations, and what advice can you provide?

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I think elderly and those with dementia just say what they feel and what is on their mind at that moment. Almost the same as a young child, want an honest answer ask a kid. Those who work with dementia patients know this is part of the disease and have heard it before. Loved ones embarrassed, try to hush them probably making it worse. Maybe getting her attention and changing the subject or leave the room.
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I can understand hounddog53 why you would be upset. I don't understand why your husband didn't tell you but I do understand why he did send the money. It doesn't matter how she manipulated and treated your family, when there is a bond between a mother and son, the son will do anything. It is just unfortunate that your mother in law didn't ask for you help sooner. When her assets are completely gone, she could qualify for medicaid. Also, my mother in law qualified for Veterans Benefits because my father in law served during war time. These benefits are significant. I know we took care of my mother in law and everyday visited her or was working on something for her....and my husband and I both still felt guilty.Their relationship was also rocky at times and she wasn't always very nice to me. But in the end, she always knew we would not turn our backs on her.
As I said, I don't know why he didn't tell you but I do understand why he did send the money. But you will have to look into other things to really take care of her needs. My mother in law had to spend over 250,000 in 5 years for nursing home, medical expenses, meds.etc. This didn't include clothes, spending money, pop and snacks and the little things that she personally needed which we took care of. We also took her out on holidays and family events, doctor appointments and she stayed over night on several holidays. She always ate with us and we took care of whatever she needed. She did leave us her house. We were planning on selling the house and one point to help recoup some of the money that we had been using to help her. We were able to bring her home in the very end and she died here. She only lasted 12 days but it was wonderful.
Make sure that whoever is handling this money that your husband sent is keeping accurate records of where the money is going. Who knows, maybe an asset will pop up and you could recoup some of your money. If she is out of money now and the haven't spent your money yet, she would qualify for help from medicaid. Good Luck and email me if you need anymore help.
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My mom once said "I can't stand being around people who are confused...I'm trying to stay unconfused myself!" That was the closest she ever came to insight that she had any problem at all...they actually had to move some roomates out of her room because she yelled at them too much. No answers for you really, just commiserating and letting you know its pretty common and could be worse.
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My mother in law is 93. She gave her home to her daughter 8 years ago leaving her a boyfriend she thought would take care of her---shock- he died and left all to his children-she now has nothing and manipulated a friend to call us 2000 miles away for help. we have not heard from the mil for 6 years. my husband felt sorry and unknown to me mailed $40000 to this friend to care for the mil.mil has about $12000 so she says ---she has lied and manipulated her entire life-my husband does not understand my anger. please please help
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Please be patient. Try to refocus her attention. My mother in law was in nursing facilities for 5 years but we took her out for church, holidays and all family events. We would sit in church and people would be walking back from communion and she would make comments about how "fat" people are. Then she would go on about "how do they even get around?". She also made comments about the food but she didn't think they were feeding her and that she was missing meals. She gained alot of weight. She went from a size 8 to a 24 in less than 4 years.
I wouldn't fight with her, I just always refocused her attention. She didn't feel that she belonged in the home in the beginning. She thought everyone was crazy also but after a while she realized she had problems. I had to repeat everything over and over and this is part of this. My mother in law went through different stages and now that she is gone I would do it all over again just to have her here again with us.
Just a little note here, mom would tell us that people were stealing at one nursing home. We dismissed it because she has always had things missing. She also gave alot of things away. She would give her clothes away because she, in her mind, was a size 8 and she didn't think the clothes fit her. We had to cut all the tags out before we gave them to her. She would tell us things about her neighbors that we just dismissed...later we found out she was correct in her alligations. When your loved one says something, please check into it. Taking care of your family member is just like raising your children but just in reverse. We had to repeat ourselves over and over again to our kids and they still didn't always listen. We had to help our kids when they made comments to people and we had to keep them quiet in church. It took years to teach our kids. Our parents or loved ones have this same mind set. It isn't something they are doing intentionally. They are seeing the world in the eyes of a young child and it is very, very scary. Please remember this and God Bless!
PS My mother in law would also take things...she would go through peoples cabinets when visiting. She would pick up watches and umbrellas. She knew she owned them and she figured they were hers. She would also use all my makeup perfume and deodorant in the bathroom. All my lipsticks were broken in half or the lids were put on without the lipstick being turned down. I just kept that makeup in there and had my own stash. Whenever I would take her to visit I would go to the bathroom with her so I was sure she didn't pick anything up. But I really miss those days. People understand more than you thing. Many people are taking care of loved ones. I would let Mom walk ahead of me and I would tell the person that she has Alzhiemers. People are wonderful if you give them the benefit of the doubt.
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Oh, I know that its the dementia talking when she does this,...but it does not make it any easier either! I have been on the outside looking in, as far as my inlaws go, for 33+ yrs!! I was never treated like part of the family, yet I was expected to treat them with respect!!! Thank GOD that my mother and father taught me respect and tolerance, or this situation would be far different! None of the latter were ever given to me by any of the in-laws!!! Now since I love my husband and want to have him happy, I am doing my best in this situation, far more than I received by his clan!!! So,.... yes this is the progression of the illness, and it will get worse I know. But her own daughter says things to her and others like, "moms crazy, or "She's lost her mind"!! What kind of person would talk that way about her own 94yr old mother ??!! I certainly would have NEVER said that about my mom....EVER! Just goes to show you how selfish my SIL really is!!! I know the day will come that she,(the SIL) will "get whats comming to her" but it can't be soon enough for me! Till then I"ll be the daughter my parents raised, and do what I can to help my husband take care of his mother! With gods help too, we'll struggle through....together!
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It has alot to do with the disease. My 91 year old mom wouldn't say anything bad about anyone, or cuss, or show any dislike of a meal I would make for her. Now I get it all. She is constantly talking about my sister (her daughter) as the one she doesnt' like. And that her husband is only waiting for her to die, so he can marry her (my 91 year old mom). My brother inlaw is 55, mind you. He has always called her mom. But he is a gentle man and mom has a bit of a crush on him now.
She will comment out loud when the people are in the same room with her, about them being so big and fat. She used to cringe when my dad (who she cared for after a stroke) would say things like that. Mom used to be a sweet shy woman and now cusses randomly. She never spoke a cuss word in her life. I have learned that ignoring her and apologizing when people stare is the best thing. If you comment to them they only get more aggitated and will cause more of a scene. Just remember that the dementia is what is doing this to them...they have no control of how their brains work anymore. I have been really tested lately with all of this. It's best to just ignore them.
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Yes, we are in the same situation. My MIL is in a dementia care facility and she to is making rude comments about other residences there, and thinks nothing about doing it! Sometimes, I think,... she knows what she is saying, but most of the time not! She refuses to admit that she has this illness. It's easier to put the blame on others. This is what will wear you down! The constant repetition, rudeness & forgetfulness....! That...... and you will always wakeup to a different person....always! Just saying my prayers and asking for Gods help to make it through here....its all I can do right now. But you aren't alone in this either, this will be a good outlet for your frustations and questions if you have more!! Take care and Godbless
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Wow - I thought my mother was the only one like this...this is so helpful. My mother has aphasia from a stroke - and she complains about everyone, the staff stealing, or someone being a fat pig, and all the residents at her assisted living is crazy etc - etc. Since I too am new at this - what I did do when she was abusive towards me is leave the room. And since I live 3 hours away - not able to be there everyday - so I missed 8 days and she was remarkably nicer. So maybe that is the key. Also - I noticed when she does get a meal while I am there (she refuses to eat with everyone - eats alone in her room) she will say - well - this doesn't look too bad - but the rest is crap... One thing I have to say - I know that the staff in these assisted living homes just do not make enough money for some of the residents they have to deal with! Thank you everyone for being here - this is an awesome site :-) So helpful.
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