My Father is a natural born control freak. Was in the military all of his life and loved the control his rank provided him. Since retiring, his controlling behaviors have ruined his marriage. I was forced to return home to care for him after a massive heart attack. My stepmother refused to return to help with his care.
Every holiday is "Hell" in our home. This 84 year old insist on being a part of meal preparation, although he never washes his hands. I've watched and counted on one hand the times I have seen him use soap and water after using the urinal and bathroom during the span of a week.
I advised my brother, the one in charge of cooking the turkey, to arrive early or my Father will start to prepare turkey himself. Well, when I woke up this morning, the turkey was moved from the back room to the kitchen and was soaking naked in the sink. I wanted to die! This was not my Father being helpful, this was him taking charge and controlling how the bird would be prepared. I ended up having to rinse the turkey several times under warm water to remove any possibility of contamination. I placed the turkey in a temp tray and back in the fridge it went. I went to a friends to prepare a cake and several pies as she had a larger kitchen. When I returned several hours later, I had a host of goodies and a large pan to place the turkey in. My Dad made the observation about the pan and proceeded to bark an order. He told me to place the turkey in the large pan and return it to the fridge. I said ok but was in the middle of unpacking the box of treats I had made. I received numerous dirty eye rolls and huffs as I didn't do as I was told. I sat down to eat my dinner, Chipotle, at 9:00 pm. Mind you he received his dinner promptly at 4:30 pm before I left. He barked the order to switch the pans again .... I responded by asking, Can I eat my dinner first? I hadn't eaten much all day! That's when he proceeded to stand up, and push his walker to the back where the turkey was. I asked what he was doing and he said he will do it myself. My fear was he would contaminate the turkey again and there would be no turning back. So, I wiggled my way past him as he opened the door to the office area where the second fridge was. That's when he used his walker as a weapon. He jammed the walker against my right leg to prevent me for squeezing by. I took a blow but kept on going ... I opened the fridge and the second blow from the walker pushed the door up against my back .... He continued jamming the walker against the door and my legs. I finally had to take control of the walker and remove it from him. That's when he started screaming at me.
I have a nice bruise for picture sake but he has gone too far!!! This is assault ... Should I contact the authorities? If nothing is done he will do this again and he needs to be taught a lesson.
I don't know if this approach would help in your situation. Only you can decide if its worth a shot. It took 8-10 months of my trying to appease my father in this way before he "released" his control freak way and began to trust me to advise him on ways of doing everyday things a little better, a little differently than he had.
I did "threaten" my father in times past with calling authorities and other things like that. This just seemed to raise his level of stubbornness and he would really "dig in" when I said stuff like that.
Like I said, I don't know if this approach will help you. But I can tell you that I really didn't think my dad was capable of NOT yelling and barking to get his way, and meddling with every little thing in this house... but he doesn't do these things anymore.
Oh, the other thing I saw mentioned in previous post and know from personal experience: go to your local VA med center and find out different things that are available to your dad and to you... like social workers, as well as geriatric clinics, etc. My dad is vet as well and the VA center here continues to surprise me with how many resources they have to help the both of us.
And last, I just want to say... my father was an absentee father to me, at best. He never paid child support to my single working mother and I grew up fairly poor. He never sent a birthday card or called me, and generally showed no interest in me or my brothers. I basically thought of him as a worthless and even disgusting individual my entire life. When I first came to live with him and my grandmother, his behavior reinforced those ideas ten-fold. I have experienced indescribable resentment and anger towards him... maybe HATE would be the best word to use. I ended up losing a 12-year relationship and my beautiful beach apartment in California, all because I cared enough to try and help my father and grandmother in their old age. And now, well, I didn't always feel this way... and in fact, its a pretty recent development... but I no longer feel regret, anger, or resentment about the entire situation. My prayer and wish for you is that you eventually arrive at a similar place emotionally. I don't have any easy answers, but I can tell you that its happened for me. Love to you, sister, hang in there.
I see I have some replies that I will read after I post this update. Thank you all for you concern and reaching out.
On December 23rd, 2012, I rushed my Dad to the ER due to several falls within our home and his inability to stand or walk. Seems as though he has lost strength/muscle control in both legs. He has been in the hospital since Sunday without a diagnoses and still unable to walk. The Neurologist on his case discovered that my Dad is has no feeling below the knees down to the toes. So, at this point he will not be discharged until strength has been regained, if ever. Today, he received a treatment called IGG, which is antibodies that will help his immune system in hopes that he will regain feeling in his legs. It was a dreadful treatment with many visable side effects. I stayed by his side from 10:00 to 6:00. Will go back tomorrow to do the same thing. This treatment is for 3 days. Some of the major concerns of this treatment is the fluid overload which could trigger heart failure and kidney failure.
If he does not regain strength in his legs, it has been suggested that he be placed in a rest home.
And if he does regain strength in his legs? What is your plan then? And how has it been living with him in the last month? Have things improved any? I'm glad to hear an update about your father, but I'd really like to hear about YOU.
To answer some of the questions .... Yes, I did take pictures of the bruise and showed the therapist. Unfortunately, I was told his aggressive behavior is part of the disease, dementia. I was asked if I felt unsafe within the home and my response was no. Since the incident, it's been business as usual. His behavior is if nothing ever happened. However, currently, we have some pretty serious decisions to make regarding his health and care. I haven't thought too far past tomorrow, as his progress is day to day and so far there hasn't been any. If I see him getting better, I will have to decide if I will remain in the home. I did find out some very helpful information from the Neurologist. My Dad has extra fluid around his brain which will cause memory loss, balance issues and agitation! A possible spinal tap maybe ordered to help with those issues but their main concern in getting him to walk again.
This has been a roller coaster of a ride .... I'm glad I have a place to come and vent, laugh and cry.
Hope all is well with you.
Have you tried being neighborly with the neighbors? Try to gain friendship for yourself and a stress reliever. Maybe, if they happen to drop by, and see what’s happening, they can be your eyewitness. Again, I think it is Very Important to document everything.
Here on island, the prosecutor was allegedly abusive to his wife. He knew where to hurt her where no bruises showed. One day, he did it and this time she had enough and fought back. Except, she fought back in anger. He immediately went to the ER and had them document the bruises from his wife. He then pressed charges on her. It was quite a mess. His ex-first wife came forward and testified for the current wife. Be very careful, Hopeless. And document, document, document! HUGS to you!!
Quick Update: My Dad stayed in the hosptial for a week and then was transferred to a rehab center. The Doctor's at the hospital could not determine why he lost the ability to walk so suddently. They ended up giving him a treatment called IGG. It assisted with the swelling he may have been experiencing on his spine. Since the 5 day treatment he is able to walk again. I guess I didn't expect things to move so quickly.
So, he will be at the rehab center for at least a week or two. Now, I have to face what to do after he comes home. Yeah me! LoL
I'm not sure what has to happen to gain the attention of the VA, Doctor's or any other agency that says they are here to help me take care of my Father! Hopefully while he is in rehab, the speech therapist can assist in a proper diagnosis of Dementia and help us understand exactly where he is at with things. If she is willing to document things, I can take that to his Dr.'s and possibly get the ball rolling that way! One thing that was discovered during his hospital stay, is that he has additional fluid around the brain which will cause increased memory and balance issues. I am finding that this is a very long drawn out process with many twists and turns. However, I am going to stay with it. Thanks for the advice .... I plan on documenting everything upon his return home.