Today the Hospice nurse talked to my father about giving me a respite and he said for only 5 days. And he agreed. After she had left I went in to talk to him and thanked him and asked him if he was angry about it and he said yes. I then asked him if he wanted to talk about it and he turned his back and was silent. I have tended to him for two years by myself and I need this time and possibly longer than the five days. Any suggestions also on how to deal with the family members who may not agree with it. I want the oldest brother to take him there as I am too emotional at this time and do not want to leave him there and put the guilt trip on me again. I do not think he realizes how ill I am now. Any suggestions I would appreciate the help. I love this venue and have met some like-minded people here and I now know I am not alone in this any longer since I found this site. What a blessing it has been for me.

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What to do? Enjoy your respite! I think you have a good idea in asking someone else to take him. If a family member won't do it, talk to Hospice about a volunteer doing it.

You need this. It is a shame that Father couldn't be more gracious about accepting it, but we may not be able to be at our best when we are on hospice ourselves. Accept him as he is, forgive him, and take as long as you need/can to regain your health.
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Your first responsibility is to yourself. It is sad when the parents we are caring for do not understand or accept that we are still people who deserve our own healthy life as well. Even worse for siblings not to be concerned for you and wanting to help out.

Do what you have to do to take care of yourself! Maybe in a day or so your Father will be more understanding once he has to time to think about it.
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Hi Crystal, it's grateful Willowrose. Your answer brought tears to my eyes and I will reflect on it. All the other people left when my father was in his last 24 hours here and I sang Amazing Grace to Dad as he left. Grace is the name of the game, isn't it here?
It sounds like your Dad may be thinking about things? You know Kubler's stages of loss? He is coming to grips with loosing you for a while. Hmm. The silence of denial:she isn't that ill. The silence of bargaining: I can handle respite without her for five days. He might be screaming inside with anger. . . life's throwing another curve ball. He's processing it. (I don't know him, but my Dad held a lot inside.) I hope he does not get stuck in stages 3 and 4, with anger and depression, so that he can move on into some acceptance and maybe even have some positive experiences at respite.
As for me. My mother and I always had a love-hate relationship. But the major rift came when my mother started having accidents a few years ago. At my appointment I asked our family dr. if she was o.k. to drive. He said no, he thought she hadn't driven in a while. The next time he saw her he had the registry take her license. My whole family, sister, bro in law, aunts and uncles had known she'd had accidents and didn't have the "heart" to take her independence. My mother stopped returning my calls. She basically only initiated calls to me 3 times over the course of 3 years informing me of an aunt's, and two cousins deaths. Then she bought a second house and didn't tell me where it was. Around the same time she started telling people I went in the old house when she wasn't there in order to steal things, like Christmas lights and extension cords. She accused me of "going through her papers," slandering me about that too.
Professionals have said that it's sounds like dementia. My extended family is a mess. I've reached out. But I've gotta admit-we're all pretty angry! About a lot of stuff! There's no credit for trying to protect my mom and the innocent public from harm on the road. If my sister had thought that was the right thing to do she would have talked with mom and the doctor herself.
So your family doesn't agree with your father going to respite? We're in similar boats as far as support is concerned. But what's up with that? It doesn't sound like they would be interested in taking shifts instead of taking him to respite? Do you have to have surgery or therapy...rough in the middle of the holidays-talk about we're all going through something!
I miss things about my family, and offered to take my sister and the kids out on my birthday, giving her a month's notice. She left a voice mail saying it wouldn't be a good idea out of the blue and I was surprised that she told me she was in therapy. She's going through a divorce. I left a voice mail offering to go for session(s) if the therapist thought it would be a good idea and to run errands so she could have more time with her kids and mom. I called it non-direct care. It wouldn't be healthy for me or my mother for me to directly care for her. Not without therapy, for sure. That was another unreturned call. Ugh!
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@Willowrose First let me thank you for your time and comments. My father is angry it seems when I am being honest with him and he does not see how sick I have been. Just over two months ago I had a major back surgery and it was so hard walking around with the brace on and tending to him. My brother was here for a few days and gone. I have seen a decline in anyone visiting me here since Dad has been with me for two years. In that two years I almost had a stroke and had a knee surgery as well and yes no help there either. My Dad has many conditions and I think may be using them as if he is the only ill one in the house. I think if he was in his right state of mind he would understand what this is doing to me and my son. I have lovingly cared and tended to him like no other and no matter what I will still be called names and just a few weeks ago he got close to me and yelled at me that why did I get those Hospice people here. I told him prior to this that I could not do this anymore and I needed help. He said you got them here for you not me. Hence I let him cool off and went in to talk to him and told him that it hurt me that he would even think to get in my face like that after all I am his daughter. He continued to get angry until I finally told him it is either I get Hospice in here to help me and you or I would have to speak to the doctor. Well he was mad. I do not think he knows how it has affected me so. He says you don't want me here. (guilt trip) I told him if I did not want him here he would not of been here the past two years. When I first brought him here to my house he was really ill and then in the course of getting him better he got leukemia so he never could manage out on his own. Like I have said before here I always had a close knit relationship with Dad and I sure do not want to remember all of this part of it, but it is stark reality and truth. We do the best we can and when we can't any longer if is time to speak up without fear, without guilt and remorse. There is another aspect to this for me and my son and this might sound mean but I do not want my father to pass in my home. I may never want to live here after that. Hospice has a place they go to and we can be there for him. We also do not know when God will take him home so I am always on alert and know if something should happen here in my home and what I need to do. I thought I could handle it but I would be kidding myself if I said I could and really can't. My son worries about this as well when he is alone here with him. I told him that I am only a few feet away to the store real quick and to call me. No one knows when that day or hour or minute will come but I know it would be too hard on me especially in my condition now. I have so many things on my mind all the time it is hard to concentrate. I am also in college course online and that has been hard to handle but something I am doing for myself that takes away some of my stress. I hope this works out for me and I am willing to take the negative comments so far when and if they come. Blessings to you and I thank you once again.
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@littletonway - I thank you for your comment and I don't know he is still not talking to me and with Thanksgiving coming up and my brothers coming here I can just imagine the crying and talk of how bad I am now. And then I have to deal with my brothers. I hear they all agree but when they get around my father it will be a different story. I am afraid I will ruin the holiday if they say anything to me that is derogatory as I am too stressed now and need some relief. I will talk with them all and tell them if you can not take over for awhile then I have to do what I have to do and that is to take care of me before I can even consider doing this any longer. It is called Caregiver Burnout and I have had it too long now. I have spoken and I shall see what will happen. I will remain calm knowing that I have the nurses who understand and the Hospice but they too can not do anything when a patient refuses to go to respite care or a nursing facility.
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