Beatty Asked April 11, 2025
Self Care. What does this actually mean? What do people do? What works?
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Music. Exercise. Outside time (in nature if possible) Water (aqua aerobocs, a long shower, a bubble bath)
M.EOW. I'm trying day by day to incoporate as many as possible.
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I do think the biggest thing in keeping your mental health, is to take time for yourself, and not think about the loved one we are taking care of. That was my biggest mistake, I was doing all the stuff they say to do but nothing was helping. It was because I wasn't letting go of the caregiving in my head, as I was doing those things.
Self Care…I think it means that you put you on your todo list, on your calendar before anything or anyone else.
I like what you listed. Supposedly if you watch the sun rise and set each day your outdoor time is even better for you. Helps with sleep hygiene (which I am lacking as here I am online) a healthy diet of foods you love that are in season, socialization…some interaction with others and be sure to have some fun.
You must build in fun on a regular basis.
Stretching, breathing, building muscle and strength and flexibility. Tapping is a good mood regulator. Journaling, writing poetry.
Laughter is healing. Counting your blessings helps lift the spirits. Resting the mind as in meditation, massage, a good foot rub. Scalp massage.
I’ve been trying to drink more tea, black tea, green tea, matcha, herbal teas and to stay better hydrated.
And if I catch myself singing or dancing, I know I’m doing something right. And if something makes you feel bad, stop doing that, Whatever makes you feel better, do more of that. Oh and something creative. That’s very helpful to build something creative into your day.
Thank you for the reminder for self care and once more … good to see you.
Outside of the basics of hygiene, which a lot of people consider self care as well, there can be additional more in depth hygiene routines - skin care, hair care, makeup application and experimentation, "everything" shower or bath.
Self care can be exercise or even just taking a walk for mental health purposes.
It can be listening to music, or a sound bath, or watching a favorite tv show.
For one of my daughters it is crocheting, for another it is building Lego sets.
What is important is that you take time each day to spend time on what YOU WANT to do. Not necessarily what you need to do, but something you enjoy, what calms or relaxes you or conversely ramps you up and motivates you.
For me, after a really long day - self care if just about getting into bed and having that moment of 'ahhhhh' if that makes sense. I've worked hard to try to make our bedroom a sanctuary (albeit it one with a tv lol). We have taken steps to ensure that our bed is very comfortable, since we both skew hot when we sleep we have cooling sheets and blankets on the bed etc. It is a very calming experience for me to crawl into bed at night, so I sleep better.
But honestly - it can be anything - playing with a pet, holding your grandchild. Just something that makes you feel good that isn't harmful to you.
Both of my girls have ADHD and one is on the Autism spectrum. They both have apps that help them track the things they need to do, and self care is a "to do" on the app as well.
The only trap that is easy to fall into - and I guess it depends on the personality - is to get so caught up in self care activities that you don't get the other things done. Or you might invest more than is strictly necessary in the activity (see my skin care routine as an example LOL!)
But we ALL need a little bit of self care on the regular!
What "floats your boat"?
For me the Music you mention would not be calming or relaxing. I don't think I have taken a bubble bath in 40 or more years. I am a shower person not a bath person and the only reason that I would spend longer than necessary in the shower is if I slipped and fell and could not get up...frightening thought!
Me, I Volunteer, I bake, I cook, I read (if my eyes were better I would read more.) And I spend time with my "critters"
Self care can be what you want it to be.
Anything that gets you away either physically or emotionally from anything that may be stressing you out.
And it does not have to be a long time, 15 minutes of meditating, reading, going for a walk, a nap.
And I have to add Self Care is doing some things you don't want to do. Your annual physical, annual mammogram, colonoscopy as needed (if you still need one) making sure you are still on track with who your POA's should be (have any died, gotten a bit questionable in their decisions) Is your Will still current and all the rest of the stuff everyone ignores or puts off.
Perhaps take a long weekend off whether at home or away .
We (DH and I ) are in the middle of a s*** show with MIL right now made worse due to her own stubbornness . Before this problem really blew up 4 weeks ago , we already had a long weekend trip planned for this June . 3 weeks ago DH wondered if we should cancel . I told DH that he needs this vacation and we are going no matter what is happening . After a month of running around over LO , DH is on board putting us first without guilt .
DH is better at compartmentalization than I am . He only lets himself think about LO just so much . So I guess putting LO out of your mind when you can is self care. He has also stopped answering phone calls from relatives . DH now calls one ( more reasonable ) aunt once or twice a week and she calls the other siblings . with information.
Reading , is escaping to another fictitious world . I like alone time with a book . In the past I have journaled at times , purging ruminating thought cycles.
Making an effort to see friends , or plan a date night, can be difficult , but I did notice it helps a lot . It makes things feel “ normal “ for an evening , but do severely limit talking about the caregiving situation , if asked how LO is doing .
DH says he’s “ turning it off for this weekend “ . Not doing the long drive and visiting this weekend . He wants a “ normal weekend “.
I know it’s hard , but sometimes “ Oh well “ , is what we tell ourselves . We didn’t create this problem and LO was stubborn . Only so much can be done now .
I think this weekend we will cook a new dinner recipe together and I will bake as well .
DH will most likely decompress for a bit watching some sports and we will probably stream a movie after dinner .
We also like to walk at several different parks .
A crises is one thing but it is not a healthy longterm place within a relationship. I am trying. I will be trying harder.
Always plan to take a day or weekends off, or else you will become a Morlock.
I didn't take that advice and now that I'm unencumbered my transition curve was steeper than for those fellow former caregivers in my support group that regularly took trips, went to shows, visited friends or relatives, etc. At the time I'd think either "how could they", or "it's impossible" with envy. And by not taking care of myself normal became unfamiliar.
Don't get cozy and myopic on your journey as a caregiver. Beware. You are doing noble work, G-d love you, but it is insidiously soul sucking. Honor the one you're taking care of by living a life they wish they could. Keep up the good work, at the same time show gratitude for the gift you have.
I can't even really imagine doing one on one care.
I so often say here that being a nurse, which I loved, so let me know that doing 24/7 care for even the most beloved would never work for me. Not only does it overwhelm, but it changes who you are to that person from daughter or spouse to caregiver, which is such a different thing.
Without solid respite times and even WEEKLY time off I simply cannot see it as sustainable, yet we have people doing it every day.
I finally made it back here.. & just the look of your familiar names gave my heart real joy. I will be reading over these posts & reminding myself to include more of your great suggestions.
Choose Life (as good old Wham! said).
I pray that you are taking care of you along with everything you do for others.
For me, I listen to rock and pop music. My daughter listens to this as well. She was raised on it. I prefer a lot of the groups from Europe from the seventies and eighties. I like Satin Jackets. I found a lot of my music on YT. I can lose myself in music. It calms me down. Also, I listen to House music and prefer the deep house over the progressive.
I've tried guided meditations before (often with background nature sound effects : dial up the frog pob pob, dial down the bird twi twi blah blah) but I either just keep on with my distracted thoughts or simply fall asleep.
This had a topic that was presented in a fresh way & I really liked it. But despite my interest, yep, I dozed off. But! I slept SO well! I woke up really refreshed! That feeling has not been in my life for a long while..
About to start "How accepting the struggle helps you".
If I went to a fast food restaurant to order food to bring home for both of us , I'd wait in the car for 5-10 minutes, relaxing, feeling the sun, watching people walking, watching cars go by. It made me remember that there is still a world out there beyond the sickness I was around ~ and the responsibilities I had taken on. Then I'd rush home, back to Caregiving.
It was a small break, but it refreshed me. It truly did.
Depends on the day and what's going on. Hospital stays self care is just making sure I eat and walk the corridors.
Taking a shower, getting my haircut, keeping my dentist appointment, mammogram, counseling are other things. Some days it's just the survival things!
Other better days it's a walk outside, a visit to the art museum, a community event, if I can focus - - reading. Always some kind of movement.
I agree it’s not always about things that are “fun” but for me, things that make me feel peaceful or more on top of my life or in control can count. So making the bed, putting in laundry, buying a new toothbrush all could count. It’s about noticing and tending to and making time for your own needs and wants instead of every possible minute going to the caregiving.
I like to learn about nature so when I can I sign up for occasional hikes, environmental stewardship activities, local bird watching trips, garden tours, etc. anything where I am engaged and learning. I realize not everyone can do that. But I find signing up in advance keeps me on track to making it happen.
Here is one suggestion, adult coloring, gosh I'm having fun with it, and making some cool art.
This 100%. Well said.
We all have different likes and dislikes, hopes, dreams, skill sets, and family circumstances. Some of us are older with health challenges of our own and others are younger trying to establish families and/or careers.
Boundaries allow me guilt free time to rest and recuperate and not to feel resentment. I enjoy time with my husband and our animals, working in the garden, reading, friends, baths, naps, etc.