Can anyone tell me what to expect?

Jude, follow your gut feeling, demand to speak to higher authority. Get answers to what her whole neurological picture is. Demand an Ombudsman. Go to the Joint Commission. Call the CEO of the hospital if you have to.

Well the saga continues. She has had scans and xrays and tests and all sorts remember live in the UK so things are slightly different here. There is nothing wrong with mum at all and she has the capaciuty to make decisions - DESPITE THE PSYCH SAYING SHE HAD MODERATE TO SEVERE DEMENTIA only 2 weeks ago. Therefore after they bombarded mum and pressured her into agreement we now have her coming home - she cant stand she cant walk and she is now unable to have a shower (ours is upstairs) We are supposedly having carers coming in 3 times a day to relieve my burden. Just how that relieves my burden when she hates them and will give me earache all day over it and never ever wanted them I dont know. Oh you can go out for the afternoon. Hmm they are there for 30 minutes - not quite an afternoon then.

And what about the other 150 hours a week when they arent there? that would be me then - no they wont provide hoists no stairlift just me - and you all thought our system was good? Give me the USA any day - at least I would have the right to bear arms and shoot myself!

Can you negotiate your actual care times with the agency that provides it? Where we are (Ontario Canada) we are allotted so many hours per week, and I was able to arrange the best times directly with the care agency. And if they are throwing 30 minutes three times a day at you perhaps you could try to negotiate a solid chunk of respite hours instead.

Oo, I'm with you on the number of different people coming to the house, Jude. Nightmare. I can't keep up with them all - how on earth do they think a 90 year old with dementia is going to? But we are incredibly lucky in our county with the quality of carers - they don't have enough time, and they're treated abysmally, and some are more capable than others; but they are nice, kind people and I haven't yet encountered one I won't have in the house (I've met a few in other settings, mind you).

Make friends with your community rehab team - they can work miracles. If your mother can't stand or transfer there should be a hoist in the house for the carers to use - the rules are that they must always be operated by two people, by the way; and officially we never break that. Your community team should have physios and/or OTs who will train you; but you have to learn to say "Brownie's honour I will never use this on my own" with a straight face.

They can't force the sale of the house, no; but they can put a charge on it so that when the house is sold the Local Authority will recoup care costs up to a certain limit. Have you had a visit from the LA's financial advisor? - if not, ask for one; they're obliged to send one out.

Have you got in touch with your area's CarersUK branch? Lots of people find them a godsend. I'm not quite that keen, finding it irritating when I get that much sympathy oozed over me, but they are a very good source for local contacts and advice. Plus they'll give you an in case of emergency card and log your mother's details so that if you get hit by a bus someone will go to the house, that kind of thing.

It's been a while since anyone tried to go over my head like that social worker and OT ganging up on you but I well remember the red mist. If I were you I'd contact the hospital's PALS and complain about their interviewing your mother unaccompanied - she may have capacity, but all the same she's under a neurological consultant and it's unreasonable to rely on her answers.

Oh I remember what it was! - a Heart Failure clinic nurse three years back who almost got my mother's pacemaker implant cancelled because mother told her she was "fine." I have calmed down now but I'm not sure the nurse will have stopped shaking. You can't turn your back for a microsecond...

She has had a EEG and ECG and a CT scan and they still cant tell me. Sorry a bit sad here tonight as Mum is wanting to go into care now and theywill sell the house to pay for it. I sold my flat and have had to use the equity to care for her over the last 5 years so I am about to be made homeless and feeling quite devastated by it all

Jude, I am so sorry you are dealing with this, and particularly sorry that it will have such a large impact on your residence.

Would your mother qualify for Medicaid? Other than the house, what assets does she own? What kind of monthly income does she have? She can keep the house and still qualify. Would you be able to maintain the house on your own? Did you live there for 2 years as her caregiver?

As I understand it, dementia nursing care is primarily for people who are wanderers and/or have behavioral issues. If that does not describe your mother, she may be better off in a regular nursing home. My mother has dementia, as do the majority (but certainly not all) of the residents on her nursing home floor. There is another floor for dementia residents who need the extra protection of a secure environment.

I'm just suggesting some things to check into. Selling the house may not be the only way to finance a care center. Dementia care may not be the only choice for residential care.

Hugs to you as you handle this very challenging development. Please keep us informed about how this turns out.

Im not suicidal just pro euthenasia for me as I have said many times but in UK that is not an option YET. Mums condition has worsened and they have done more tests. Finally today the neurology consultant rang me and for once was honest. They dont know what is causing mumto have these 'episodes' they dont think they are strokes, they dont think they are seizures, they havent a clue if it is epilepsy but he has acknowledged the best place fore her is home which is where she keeps asking to be (when she isnt being bombarded by a %($^ social worker who quite frankly just wants to tick a %^&) box.

I have absolutely laid it on them that as a carer I am demanding training to manage my mum in a safe and healthy way and that may involve equipment that I will need but dont know about. He is in agreement with that.

Meanwhile mum has gone from asking me to kill her (not a chance in h*ll I would do this despite my beliefs) to completely the reverse. Today it is as though she is on speed. She cant stop talking and makes no sense whatsoever but she is happy and let me tell you I would take that over any other option. She can see my late Dad and is having conversations with hiim so all is well. Apparently shes going on a bus trip tomorrow to see the solicitor and then we are all going to the beach for a swim - Well of course we are!!!!

Mind blown as always but thanks for your support I was on a real downer yesterday xxx keep the faith

Jude, where in the UK are you? (I hope it's not Wales).

Before your mother was discharged there should have been an OT assessment of her home. No? Then the people to raise Cain with are a) her GP b) Adult Social Services and c) District Nursing Services. There might still also be a Home From Hospital team based at the hospital co-ordinating discharge, or that might have been done by the ward; but the point is that if she can't stand or transfer she shouldn't have been sent home without either a full package of care or a hoist, or both.

Not being mean, but I chuckled at the three carers a day package. My mother was discharged with a Full Care Package of 2 x carers for 1 hour, four times a day. Hysterical. The CQC can stamp and shout as much as it likes about statutory duties but that still doesn't create 8 hours' worth of carer per day where none existed previously; our poor social worker was getting flak from everybody, including me when there was talk of discharging mother temporarily to a nursing home 30 miles away that I didn't know from the Black Hole of Calcutta; but I did a lot of fast talking (with fingers crossed behind my back) and she came home with one carer, once a day. That made for a pretty frolicsome fortnight or so, I can tell you, until we got things a bit more sorted; but awful things happen to little old ladies who turn up at short notice in nursing homes so it was worth avoiding that.

If the neurologists have been tinkering with your mother's meds there's no way on earth for a layman to sort out what's going on, but it sounds as if she's hallucinating and/or delusional. While that might be more fun than the depression, it also means sinister things could be going on physically. Follow instructions to the letter, but meanwhile record *everything* and report everything. By all means ask lots of questions, but I'd be wary of adding in medical opinions because it just makes them uptight and doesn't improve their diagnostic skills. I would never go against medical instructions but that doesn't mean you can't say "ummmmmm…?" as loudly and often as you like.

What pain relief, if any, is your mother on, by the way? Other things you might want to look at include her kidney function (eGFR and Creatinine) and liver function (LFT) test results. If you can talk her GP into giving you a print out, anything you want to pay attention to will appear in red, which is handy. Don't panic if there's lots of red; what you then want to do is find out how long that particular result has been out of the normal range, and concentrate only on things that are new.

If you have fallen out really badly with your social worker, see if there's a community rehab team or similar you can be referred to instead. Similarly, if things are going pear-shaped with the medical or nursing teams don't let them get out of hand - go to PALS and ask them to mediate.

Have you had a Carer's Assessment? - I hope that's a silly question, but just in case.

Jude: So sorry that you are having to go through all of this. I'm not familiar with how things go over there, but sounds like you could use a lot of hugs and prayers. It may not seem like it right now, but the rough road gets smoother eventually. Remember to take care of yourself so that you can do all you need to do that's ahead of you. God bless you and you Mum.

Oh and on the plus side the hospital say they are happy for me to look after because they can see from her skin etc that I am doing a jolly good job - so I think I might just tell the social worker to shove that in her pipe and smoke it