What can I say or recommend to my mom when she changes her mind and wants to give my sister money?

Dogmommy - okay, certainly some reasonable concerns there - regarding your sisters use of the "loaned" money from your mother. I have a step daughter who treats her father like an ATM and it breaks my heart for him. Thing is - it bothers me way more than it bothers him. You say your mother is still mentally sharp - and she has expressed sadness with your sisters lack of visiting unless she needs something. Sounds like your mother knows the score. IF your mother can afford it - it's her money to loan or not loan to your sister. Your concern and wishes for your sisters treatment of your mother is valid but still are yours. While I think expressing your concern to your mother is appropriate- perhaps once - as each loan request comes in - do you really want to be in the middle of this? If moms mind is sharp AND she can afford it? With MS, your sister is still healthy enough to work and never miss a day but that surely won't remain the case. I'm just guessing- but I imagine your mother is trying to help your sister while she can, knowing she won't be around forever - to help later down the road. And, I agree with Churchmouse that having a non confrontational talk with your sister regarding seeing your mom more, isn't out of place - but leave the money out of it. My beloved father always use to say "Never loan money to friends or relatives - it always ends badly. If you want to and can afford it - give it freely without judgement, conditions or expectations".

All of that being so, keep it simple and support your mother in her wishes. So, if sister does contact either of you and follow up on her latest request, you consult your mother afresh and do as she instructs.

If it's preying on your mind meanwhile, is there any reason not to contact your sister and ask her directly what the car thing is all about?

There is nothing wrong with observing a person's behaviour and coming to your own conclusions. But when you're acting on your mother's behalf, try to keep your own judgement of your sister out of it and focus on your mother's wishes and welfare.

Have you ever talked with your sister about your mother's hurt feelings? It's a different conversation from the money issue, but still one worth having, don't you think?

Thank you all are very helpful answers. The reason I am upset and concerned about this loan is 1) It's the only time she calls or come's to visit mom is when she needs money and my mother has admitted that to me which breaks my heart and what about moms heart, 2) She never visits her in the hospital or nursing home and mom has been in and out of the hospital and nursing homes since June 2016, 3) her boys, ages 13, 17 and 20 years old, never call or go see her but they certainly find time to come by and pickup their gift money for birthday, Christmas et..., 3) my mom gave her an old car, 4) she is a talented manipulator, 5) she just got a $2.00/hour raise at work, 6) mom has been helping her financially for the last 4 years since she decided to get a divorce (paying her mortgage), 7) my sister gave $20,000 of her own money to her last boyfriend, 8) . When is enough enough! My sister has never asked for money for her kids and believe's once they are 18 years of age they are on there own. The oldest moved out at 19 he works two jobs. I am sympathetic to her situation but mom I think mom should come first for a change. She is always first in my life. My sister has MS but is able to work full time without missing any work for sick days, and she is able to go away on retreats (she is a budist) out of state with her current boyfriend. I am really trying to stay as neutral here, but ultimately, it is my mom's decision as her body is deteriorating but her mind is sharp. She is so hurt that my sister never comes to see her or call her unless she needs money because she's told me so. I partially raised this little girl and I know her personalty and she has always manipulated people to get them to do what she wants. Any answers or comments regarding this information?

If you are raising children on your own and a financial "crisis" occurs (your car dies and there is no bus to your work and if you miss one more day they are going to fire you) you are going to grasp at any solution that occurs to you.

If I were in that spot and my mother has been in the habit of helping me through such situations I'd naturally turn to that "solution." Especially if Mom said when I became a single parent, "Don't worry sweetheart. We'll help out all we can."

And if I were the mother and promised my daughter when her husband died (or she kicked the drug-addicted abuser out) that I'd help her as she raised my grandsons, I'd be inclined to give her money, even if it isn't in my best interest.

It is very possible that your sister and your mother are both acting reasonably from their own perspectives. But if you are the POA you have the responsibility to look out for Mom's interest. Does Mom have a good monthly income? Does she have assets? Does she have long-term-care insurance? Is it likely that she will run out of funds and need to apply for Medicaid? When she isn't under pressure, what is her attitude toward helping her children financially? You have a lot of factors to consider!

If you are not POA, then you have no authority except to do what Mother wants done with her money, even if you control her account.

Can I ask a few questions? I honestly don't mean to sound rude - it's to help me round out the situation. Besides the agreed deplorable timing of the last money request - what is it about the situation that bothers you? Can your mom afford the "loan"? Does your sister view your mom as an ATM? Do you think your sister is not putting the money to good use or doesn't really need it? Raising two young boys, does your sister have free time to spend with mom - more often?

We told mom that if she gives anything away, Medicaid will not pay for her nursing home and she will have nowhere to go. There is a time when you give to your children and there is a time when they give back.

Tread lightly, for your Mom Yes, but your sister should know better than to ask such a thing from someone who is in hospital, and very sick!

I would have no qualms, telling your sister that you Mom just cannot continue to give and give, money that she may end up needing, to fund her own very complicated health and welfare going forward!

It is sad, that she is a single mother needing help and all, but your Mom should not be made to feel bad for her, when she herself is in such a dire state!

Tell your sister, that any funds will have to wait, until Mom is better, and knows exactly what money she has to work with, going forward! Take the bus, or buy a beater!

Mom only verbally agreed to a loan no check or written agreement has happen. Just the usual silence from my sister. Also, I am the only person that has access to my mom's funds for paying her bills, etc... Sister can't get any money unless she asks me for it (with mom's approval in writing) and I will let her know that her timing in inappropriate. I think it best to just wait for her to contact me. If's just so frustrating because it was an urgent matter according to my sister and she has never contacted me, so why add stress for mom while in ICU!!!!!!!! I have to tread lightly so as to not upset mom or my sister.

Mother agreed, but has since changed her mind, I think? And the OP is wondering how to back mother up with her change of mind when sister expects mother to follow through on her "promise" of the $4.5K. I hope there might be an opportunity to intervene before sister does that.

I agree with GuestShopAdmin above.   Those loans might come back to bite Mom if she needs to have a higher level of care through Medicaid.

Medicaid will look back to see how your Mom had spent her money.   If they see "loans" that aren't being paid back, they would consider those loans as "gifts" and any other monies handed over that weren't loans.   Those $$$ amounts would be deducted from your Mom's care.   It can become complex.

I am just curious, if your Mom was in ICU, and under heavy pain killers, how did she write out a check to your sister?   Is your sister your Mom's financial Power of Attorney?

Can you mother afford to give her the money? How you counsel your mother should depend on that, and on how she feels about it when she is not undergoing a health crisis.

Meanwhile, you can tackle the other end of the thread; and explain to your sister quite how it looks when she approaches a woman in *ITU* and picks that time to ask for a "loan." Eeeeeuuw! But while you're at it, consider the feelings of a woman who is struggling financially and has two children to worry about, and see if you can't help her come up with some better, less stomach-turning and more ethical solutions to her difficulties.

You can tell her that loans to your sister will cause her problems if she needs government help like Medicaid.