Same story, different Mother. New caregiver here. Struggling so much!

My mother is 76 yrs old. My father passed from cancer 25 years ago. She remarried once for five years but they divorced. Couldn’t get along. Growing up, my parents were the corporal punishment, very strict, penny pinching type. My mother has had fits of rage and emotional manipulative ways all her life. I have never felt loved and always criticized for every move I have made. My father was the calm, cool, friendly to everyone, loving one. He worked very hard at his job and my mom stayed at home torturing myself and my brother. I couldn’t wait to get away from my mother and married at 19 while in college, went on to be married and divorced 5 times. Long story made short, I excelled at my career, but never at relationships. I gave all of myself to make others happy, then reacted negatively when expectations didn’t meet reality at home. I thought I just had a bad picker, but it was more than that. Anyone that loved me, I desperately clung to them, not even thinking that I had a choice and had worth. My brother has also had problems with her but to me, a daughter’s view, my plight has been worse. RE: my kids are crappy-his son is God given and wonderful, etc.

Fast forward to today, my mom fell twice back in May. The last time broke her ankle, had surgery, rehab, then home. She was and is a total nightmare. Called the rehab nurse the “N” word, complained nonstop, wouldn’t try to be mobile, though she couldn’t put weight on her ankle for six week. She wore diapers so as not to have to get up and use the toilet.

My brother had it out with her during rehab, so did I but I was left totally caregiving her once she came home. She insisted on coming home before she was ready and didn’t care about any arrangements that I had to make. I am 54, disabled, divorced, and live an hour and a half away. I had 7 spine surgeries 8 years ago, still plagued with chronic pain, arthritis, and bad knees and other issues. My brother is 50 and He and my SIL live 5 mins away from mom. My SIL has stuck by brother and not lifted a finger to help. To her case, her father had died 2yrs ago and she had been through the ringer with him being abusive. He was in AL and was 91. Her mother had passed 10 yrs ago quick from cancer. So I don’t blame either one of them.

Since June I have practically lived with mom while traveling back home for my pets and my house overnight here and there. Now, Mom insists that I come back and stay two nights a week. Her ankle is fine. It’s like she is scared to go back to her life and says she is weak and needs help. She refuses to get anyone else to help out even though she can afford any and all she could ever want. She would rather have me to complain to and be crazy with so no one else knows how she really is. She has some beginning signs of dementia but will deny anything is wrong with her mind. While I am there, she watches everything I do, tries to tell me what to do, sideseat drives, and is soooo frustrating to be around. I just don’t like the person she is, have never. I am so tired and so emotionally spent too. I have wished she would pass in her sleep too. I joke about bumping her off (I would never) but it feels good to vent. I took her to her doctor for checkup last week, and she wouldn’t allow me to go back with her, so that I would not mention her mental decline or her anxiety. She says she has no problems as long as everybody leaves her alone. I have heard “honor thy father and mother” so many times, I could puke. She even tried to put my name on one of her insurance policies solely if I would continue to help her. I said no. I would help cause I wanted to help. But to be extorted, no thanks. There’s enough guilt already. She is like a toddler, having crying jags about my brother’s withdrawal from her care. When I am home, I don’t want to do anything and I have sold my house to move 20 mins away from her. Just waiting on buyers to sell their house. I need to be packing. Sigh!