Sadly, my brother passed on Saturday. Shared with Mom. Need help with the times she forgets he is gone. Advice please?

I would talk to my mother like the person was still alive. She knew what it meant when someone had died and I couldn't see any reason to upset her so I kept death away from her.

Hola.
Lo' siento,chica.(i said i am so SORRY) for your loss, that's so sad he passed on making the transition to RIP in heaven, much earlier than planned, so that is always very sad. I pray tonight for his eternal peace, with our heavenly father, Amen.

About madre(your mother)

two things:
#1.) If mom is asking you directly where is Steve et.al..,

i would say gently lovingly, "Steve is no longer physically with us mom."
-
But, he is at peace. God has taken him home. I would not lie at all about it."

However, i would also remind mi parent,

"'But, Steve is still here, living through u, and me mom and all who loved him, and still do!"Steve is living through us each blessful waking day, we are thinking about him, and all happy rememberance of our beloved steve, keep steve ALIVE mom. That's how i would tell her." God bless u and you will be blessed for taking great care of your beloved mom, during her stages of this ALZ/DEM etc., and may your beloved loving sibling continue RIP but is living through you all who clearly love and miss him. God bless your loving mom, your family...and always take time for you, even if just a brief moment. GOD BLESS YOU.

adios.
Buenas Noches.(Good night)

I would treat this the way I would whatever time a person might be in at a given time, go with it. If her mind needs to believe she saw him the other day so be it and when her mind allows her to remember he's gone, go with that. Rather than lie maybe fib a little and simply say "I didn't think he looked well but it sure was nice to see him wasn't it?" or something to that affect. I wouldn't create stories about him being sick or getting better just interact as minimally as possible in the memories she's experiencing. This may be her mind protecting her as much as it may be her mind failing her and I don't see any benefit to challenging either reason on this one. When she goes on about how wrong it is for him to go before her, I would simply agree and not force any more conversation or worry about her seeming lack of emotion, again her mind is dealing with it the best way it can and I would just take her lead if I were you.

I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you, loosing your brother suddenly and having to navigate this major event for your mom while mourning yourself, I wish there were some words of wisdom I could offer but I just don't have them. Be sure to take time and care for yourself here too, this isn't all about Mom.

Murphy, Sorry for your loss! I have no words of wisdom on this just my sympathy.


Hugs!!

I am so sorry for the loss of your brother. I know how difficult it is. My brother passed away three years ago. My mother sometimes forgets he died but I reassure her he is with the Lord and is at peace in heaven. She may tear up a bit but understands he is better off and not suffering any longer. I would explain to your mother that Steve passed on and he is at peace now. Talk about Steve and the memories you have of him during his lifetime. I pray both of you find comfort and peace at this very difficult time. God bless you.

If she is saying thank you for taking her before he passed she may fully understand but can't articulate her thoughts. That is part of dementia, thinking one thing, saying another and thinking you said something else.

I would talk about the good times and his great characteristics and how much you guys love him. Whether she is addressing it in the present or the past those things are still true and very real.

I am sorry for your loss. She is right, it is not the natural order of life but far to common. Hugs 2 u and mom.

And Molly, I can't be more sorry for your loss!!

Thank you. She calls several times a day and some of those times she starts with asking me how I am coping with it and other calls are thanking me for taking him to see Steve before he passes.

Well, you certainly don't flat-out contradict her; that would be very unkind. When my mother became confused about who was still with us and who wasn't, I used to keep the conversation going and gradually lead her back to the present day.

But your situation is rather different. You have just lost your brother unexpectedly. Your mother has lost her son, and no one should have to "bury a child" as they say. As well as the difficulties of your mother's understanding, you have the immediate shock and grief of your own to deal with.

Give it time, let the feelings and information settle in, and then see where you are. If it's any consolation, you can't get this *wrong*. Saying what seems kindest and simplest in the moment is *fine.*

I do think it's important to let your mother talk about your brother, though, if it isn't too painful for you. Would talking about him as he was in life help you, even, I wonder?

If she were in the later stages of dementia and she was very very disturbed by the repeated news, my answer would be different. But, since it sounds like she is in the earlier stages, I think that you can gently remind her, at least for a period of time, like a week. Then decide, based on her reactions, how to proceed. I'm so sorry for the sudden loss of your brother. I'm so close to all my siblings that I can't fathom loosing them, my heart goes out to you.
This video might help you: http://bit.ly/2XxaIzF

Yes, you let her believe it. I have a son that died almost five years ago. For one thing, the reality has not hit her yet AND with her having dementia, her reality will NEVER be normal! Maybe she’s dreaming of him at night, and those dreams can feel so, so real. If she’s dreamed of hugging him just the night night before & thinks it was real, then you remind her he’s dead, that’s literally a stab straight in her heart. You die a thousand deaths, when you bury your child. There’s no purpose in reminding her he’s gone.