My brother passed unexpectedly Saturday. We were supposed to take my Mother to see him prior that day. Mom has dementia but is not fully forgetful. I spoke to the nurse in Assisted Living who knows her best after after 2 1/2 years with her. The nurse said that she has MANY moments of being fully clear and lucid and that we should gently tell her. I went to her and slowly eased into the subject. She did not cry but was so deeply saddened and upset. She went between sad and laughing about this or that. All in all she was okay. Since then she will either call and ask how we think Steve looked when she saw him Saturday (she did not) to expressing how wrong it is that he left prior to her as it is not the normal order. Not depressed.
My question to you is...when she talks about Steve in the present as if he is alive, do we let her believe it?
Guidance is welcomed here.
Thank you,
Marie
This video might help you: http://bit.ly/2XxaIzF
But your situation is rather different. You have just lost your brother unexpectedly. Your mother has lost her son, and no one should have to "bury a child" as they say. As well as the difficulties of your mother's understanding, you have the immediate shock and grief of your own to deal with.
Give it time, let the feelings and information settle in, and then see where you are. If it's any consolation, you can't get this *wrong*. Saying what seems kindest and simplest in the moment is *fine.*
I do think it's important to let your mother talk about your brother, though, if it isn't too painful for you. Would talking about him as he was in life help you, even, I wonder?
I would talk about the good times and his great characteristics and how much you guys love him. Whether she is addressing it in the present or the past those things are still true and very real.
I am sorry for your loss. She is right, it is not the natural order of life but far to common. Hugs 2 u and mom.
Hugs!!
I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you, loosing your brother suddenly and having to navigate this major event for your mom while mourning yourself, I wish there were some words of wisdom I could offer but I just don't have them. Be sure to take time and care for yourself here too, this isn't all about Mom.
Lo' siento,chica.(i said i am so SORRY) for your loss, that's so sad he passed on making the transition to RIP in heaven, much earlier than planned, so that is always very sad. I pray tonight for his eternal peace, with our heavenly father, Amen.
About madre(your mother)
two things:
#1.) If mom is asking you directly where is Steve et.al..,
i would say gently lovingly, "Steve is no longer physically with us mom."
-
But, he is at peace. God has taken him home. I would not lie at all about it."
However, i would also remind mi parent,
"'But, Steve is still here, living through u, and me mom and all who loved him, and still do!"Steve is living through us each blessful waking day, we are thinking about him, and all happy rememberance of our beloved steve, keep steve ALIVE mom. That's how i would tell her." God bless u and you will be blessed for taking great care of your beloved mom, during her stages of this ALZ/DEM etc., and may your beloved loving sibling continue RIP but is living through you all who clearly love and miss him. God bless your loving mom, your family...and always take time for you, even if just a brief moment. GOD BLESS YOU.
adios.
Buenas Noches.(Good night)
Buenas Dias! Good day!
You felt responsible to notify your mom... and you did.
There is no need to repeat or relive the loss a thousand times - for her, but mostly for you. It doesn’t stick with her now, and although she does not react with complete emotional devastation, it probably doesn’t help her either.
If we have to lose our memory, the only positive is we can also forget the painful memories. Don’t force her to dwell there.
Since her world isn’t perfect anyway, why not let her live in a world where people “die in the natural order” as she mentioned.
When she she asks about Steve, just. say, “ We’ll see him a different day.” You will feel better too.
I'm So Sorry for your sad Loss, Dad's Brother Pete Died Sunday of Cancer...
I got this from a pamphlet called
Planet Alzheimer’s
Here's 10 rules while on planet Alzheimers.
1. Never argue
2. Logic and Reason do not exist
3. Lying is acceptable
4. You are not who you think you are, you are who they think you are
5. Never take anything personal
6. Old memories are best
7. Learning to do something new is not important
8. Being loved and accepted at all times is
9. Have NO expectations
10. Take advantage of the shuttle back to earth as often as possible.
The road to come is an absurd place.
Take care of yourselves.
Then, about two years ago, Mom's memories faded, and she started asking about where was Jim, and I told her he had passed, and it upset her greatly. The caregivers at the memory care unit told me it was better not to tell her, that it only would open wounds.
As others have said, sometimes Mom is lucid and clear and we talk about Jim. And sometimes she remembers he has passed on her own and we talk about how great it was to have them take care of each other.
But when she doesn't remember and asks about him, I just talk about him, tell her he's doing fine, and then we reminisce about times we had together, or I let her talk.
It hurts both ways, but it gives her a little peace.
“Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.”
― Jamie Anderson
As others have said, go with the flow. If she is in a lucid moment, and remembers he has passed, try to divert the conversation, perhaps initially to remembering loving or funny moments with him, but guide her focus to something else. Remembering the good times with her might help your grieving process as well. If she is thinking he is still alive, leave the "door" open to hope (we'll visit tomorrow, he'll be here sometime later to see you, etc.) and divert the conversation to something else. Keep it simple, no need to weave a whole tapestry! Remember, for many dementia patients, tomorrow never comes, so you can use this excuse/diversion again (not so much for those in earlier stages, but it might work.)
Our mother, after 9 months in MC, started asking about her mother or asking to have someone call her or drop her off there to visit her mother. She's been gone about 40 years! Much later after that, she has asked staff about her mother AND her father (he died when I was 10!) If she brings it up, I do NOT tell her they are dead - this would be painful/hurtful for her AND she won't remember, so she would have to be told over and over again, putting her through that hurt and pain over and over. I've been able to deflect the asking/requests - first time was can I drop her off at her mother's on my way home - oh, it's late, not on my way, maybe tomorrow. She accepted that. The last time she asked me if I see them, it was winter so I said they went to FL (took a chance on that one!) She thought about it and said well, they used to do that, and then we moved onto something else. Whew, dodged that bullet! I was afraid she would ask why they didn't ask her to go. In nicer weather, if she asks, they will be visiting relatives in NS (she does still remember them and some came to visit last fall, which was good for her.) She's been there 3.5 years now (will be 96 very soon), slowly progressing back in time. She is the last of that generation on both sides of the family (oddly she doesn't ask about her brother and sisters. She does have some pictures of them, and will sometimes cycle through them, but doesn't ask for them.)
This could get worse before it gets better, so do what seems to be best for mom in the moment. Don't make her grieve over and over. On my last visit a few days ago, I asked mom who the lollys in her pouch were for - her kids, if they are around... ??? I pointed to myself (her hearing is shot) and she asked if my kids were around. Although she seems to know who I am when I visit, it is odd that she is thinking of her kids (which would include me!) as little lolly kids, yet I am there! Not only does dementia suck, but it behaves so oddly sometimes! You just have to be quick thinking and dodge the bullets!
My thinking is that it is best to not have her be upset the majority of the time...if You gently correct her each time she mentions him as though he is still living, that will add to the stress for everyone.
Grace + Peace,
Bob
Yes, don’t worry about Mom forgetting about brother passing. Just talk as if he’s still alive. She won’t remember or understand his passing. Don’t expect her to remember & don’t remind her.
Hugs 🤗
Dementia deals more with hallucinations and periods of loss of the past/current. I had family members who had either 1 or both as well as helping my in-laws with their Mother when she suffered Alzheimers.
My Mom/stepfather are in assisted living group home for the past year. I visit once a month as I live out of State. There are residents suffering from the same issues, but I absolutely love all of them.
This has been/is MY WAY of handling these things.
Me, how are you doing Ms F? Everyone one of them and the good ones twice! EVERY SINGLE TIME I VISIT. My stepfather asks which one of Mom's siblings am I. Starting to ask me if I'm his eldest daughter now. I tell him over and over who I am and he goes through the list of names in order. The trick is to give the same answer but in a different way. DO NOT BECOME FRUSTRATED IN FRONT OF THEM OR IN YOUR VOICE. Very important because you will cause her to become agitated which will cause big issues with you, caregivers, greater hallucinations. Talk with her like everything she is asking is normal. You don't need to broach the subject any longer as she will when she remembers. There may come a time she will start talking with him while you're visiting. When she does, ask her what he's telling her and is he ok. I did this all of the time with my husband's grandmother because she was talking with her deceased husband (family members do come to visit, especially death comes closer), my in-laws thought I was crazy. Nanny would talk with me even when her family members were all in the same room. Our daughter was the only grandchild she would actually know and call her by her name! DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, treat her as if all is normal. You will never ever get her to understand, ever so don't try. It hurts that you feel she doesn't understand, but she understands more than you think. She is asking to confirm in her mind.
It has been Scientifactly proven that hearing and brain waves still work after the heart stops (UK College of Science/Medicine) so she'll hear you and understand until she is given permission to leave you with your brother.
Just go with the flow....
Dr Jack Grenan
God Bless Your family!