Sadly, my brother passed on Saturday. Shared with Mom. Need help with the times she forgets he is gone. Advice please?

My mom is in the same way. She just turned 94 and she said to me I feel bad as mom (her mother) never sent me a birthday card. I go along with her. I said oh, it probably got lost somewhere in this place. If you tell her someone has died, she will cry uncontrollable and say what how come I don't remember. Then it will be the same the next time, as she won't remember and go through the heartbrake again. My mom is one of 10 siblings and they are all deceased, but she does not remember some died. It is hard at first, but after awhile you just go with it. My brothers usually change subject or take a walk when they come back she is on something else. Oh, her mom died in 1967. She knows everything that is going on currently. Very aware of everything around her. She amazes the whole staff.

Ccondolences for your loss.

Benign fibbing is part of dealing with the elderly especially if they have memory problems or full Alzheimer's. You already know she was deeply saddened when you told her before. Why do that again? It's perfectly fine to make something up and tell her he looked pretty good he last time you saw him.
I've cared for my mom for five years now from mild cognitive impairment (forgetting, asking the same questions over and over, etc.) to mid stage Alzheimer's. I've gone to classes and conferences, and many sessions of support groups to realize that your
loved one's well-being is more important than always telling the truth. I want my mom to be as happy as possible in this "no quality of life" existence she now has. She has limited sight and hearing and the simple joys of reading and looking at photos are over.

I started with help in the home ,which she fought, then assisted living, and after a fall, she went to a group home with ten residents and two full-time caregivers. She just wants me to be with her as often as I can and hold her hand. I went from seeing her three times a week to usually once a week. I no longer worry about her 24/7. I wish I could have persuaded her to go o the group home first, but she still in pretty good shape for two years. Once they fall, it's downhill for sure.

So you expect her to talk about Steve as if he were still among the living? I am very sorry for loss. Best to just change the subject if and when she does this.

My brother passed away 2 years ago tomorrow, July 13th after an emergency surgery. He's bowels became septic due to a hernia operation, I told mom that he had passed, but she would not believe me. She is currently in a nursing facility due to a fall that be broke her hip, I think that the meds she is currently on and her increase severity of dementia has taken her to a place that she is hallucinating his presence. She tells me every day how nice their visits are. I just let her live there in the moment because you have to pick your battles and no matter how many times I explain he is gone she won't believe it. It makes my life harder knowing I'm going to hear this every day because I miss him so much, but it makes her happy that he's visiting,

.

My heart hurts for you.

You cannot share the grieve with your Mom like a normal situation because you are not in a normal situation. Everytime she brings him up, I'm sure it will be hard/harder for you.

My Mom would always correct my Dad when he spoke about his parents or his siblings who had passed away. He would be devastated. It was heartbreaking.

Try to remember how she would be if things were normal. It may of brought you closer together especially if she held all of you close to her heart.

I never knew my grandfather and my grandmother died when I was 8 yrs old but I heard stories about them. Those stories sometimes brought up conversations about them. When my Dad would ask about My Grandfather, I'd tell him he was at the ranch or working at the store then ask him to tell me about the animals or about the family grocery business. Sometimes funny stories would come up and we'd be laughing about a situation or something funny he remembered.

I think those conversations taught me more about my Dad than at any other time growing up. It also made me feel closer to the grandparents I never knew.

I hope you can realize that Mom is kind of stuck in the past. A past that may not include death. She may never remember your brother's passing. You will have to deal with the sadness over and over again if you keep reminding her. Remember it may always be the first time she was told of his death.

Please use it to your advantage. Honor your brother by remembering him and your memories. Bring up some good times together. Maybe his first job, first child/grandchild, costumes during Halloween, him getting caught my mom sneeking into the house after curfew, etc. It may also help you grieve.

Take care of yourself. Sending you love and prayers.

Hi Marie,
I'm sorry for you and your family and the loss of your brother. When we lose siblings it's just hard; I lost my brother two years ago.

My mom has Alzheimer's. Even though our situation is different maybe you can find something helpful in my experience.

Mom didn't realize on an emotional level that Randell was so sick. She and Dad saw him everyday for the last three weeks of his life. Dad told her he passed and she responded to Dad's emotion more than the news of Randell's death. It just didn't compute.

Dad struggled with how Mom might do at the memorial service. Because she just couldn't comprehend the event, she wasn't sad. She just enjoyed seeing all the family and having lots of hugs! What a blessing that she doesn't have to go through the grief of losing a son.

Now they talk about him through pictures and Mom refers to him as her baby boy. She has never asked about him in the present. Then again, she sometimes doesn't even remember she still has two daughters.

When we're all together we talk openly in front of her about Randell, the past, and on occasion about his illness but she simply doesn't have the capacity to realize he's gone.

Blessings to you!
Darra

This happened to my cousin and aunt.
They decided not to tell her that he died, but she insisted talking about him as though he were in the present. Eventually, she told them that he told her to be ready to leave on a trip. She was excited and happy. She passed peacefully.
It may help keeping someone with dementia a bit in the dark. Truth usually upsets them more than it's worth. Good luck.

My Mum often asks where is Dad (who died in 2018) or where is Sean (her eldest son who died in 2014). Instead of informing her each time she asks, that they both died, (she suffers from advanced Alzheimer’s Disease), I feel it’s far kinder to keep a story going that they are both fine, they are together, or with another family member. When she asks where are they, I just say, I’m not entirely sure where they are today, but I do know they’ll be enjoying themselves, where ever they are. When she asks when will I see them? I say we’ll all get to see them at some point, when it’s our turn, but at the moment they are busy, so I don’t know exactly when that will be. I keep this story going and it seems to sit well with my Mum.
In the last year, I’ve learned, it’s far kinder to tell this ‘white lie’ than to keep upsetting my Mum with the sad news that my Dad and Brother have died.
I hope this helps you with your Mom.

What I think is especially sad in your situation is that when we experience a loss we want to be with others who were close to the person so we don't experience alone. It might help you to just have conversations about your brother with your mom, stories about when he was younger, times your mom can remember. If it upsets her to hear he died, leave that subject alone.

When my sister died, over 7 years ago, my mom could still comprehend and remember enough to know that her first child was gone, just not what she died of. Now she asks sometimes how my sister is. I get out the pictures of my sister and her family and we talk about her. Usually Mom starts to remember and asks how my sister died. If her memory doesn't get to it, I let it pass. I do tell her that my dad died when she asks because she has never been afraid of the subject of death. I think she mostly wants to talk about him. His photos are all over her room and at her door so that she can find her room in assisted living.

I have the same problem with my mom. She gets very agitated and says if Bill gets home and I'm not there he will be worried. I didn't know what to do so I told her that Dad had died and she got extremely upset. So next time she said it which was less than two minutes I lied and said he was out fishing with Scott (my husband who has also died) and she said ok. Didn't ask again for a couple of days and now I just say he is out somewhere and that is it. I don't know if I am doing the right thing but my theory is to keep them happy so if I have to lie I do. Hope that helps. This is not easy. I feel like I need to go to a class and ask someone with experience these questions because I don't have a clue if what I am doing is correct. Good luck and I am so sorry for your loss.

Murphy: Okay then.