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Long story short, I am wondering what my rights as a family member who has a parent at an ALF. A resident and my father have become friends and she has become VERY attached to him. They sat together at meals, visited each others apartments, etc. My father has a short term memory problem and can not always remember things too well. Having said that, the woman he became friends with has taken me on as her personal enemy. She has called me names, has made what would be threatening gestures to me, sworn at me in front of other residents, and more. She has all her faculties and is totally aware of what she is doing. In addition, she is very interested in the money she "thinks" he has. He now tries to stay away from her because of all this, but he doesn't always remember why he has to stay away. His short term memory is failing. I am also a volunteer at this facility. I want to know what are my rights as a family member and guest at the facility and volunteer. I am so frustrated I am beside myself. I have kept my distance for weeks because I don't want her to cause a scene because I am there, and she has. I have decided nothing, not even her will keep me from my Dad. I know about resident rights ...but what about mine? I have talked to administration and they said they understand and are trying to help the problem but I feel like I am spinning my wheels. I am new to the whole senior assisted living system and don't know what to expect as far as an issue like this. Thanks for listening ….

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I originally made comments, but looks like you have victory over this. This lady was there for a reason as she did not have all her faculties. Your volunteering is excellent. Enjoy your Father.
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Fantastic! Thanks for taking the time to come back and update us. Not only is your experience helpful for others who may find themselves dealing with something similar, but it's great to read about a happy ending. Yay!
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I wanted to come back and give an update on the situation my father, myself and my family have been in the previous posts. Several days after my last post the resident we had been having problems with tried to hit me with her walker (which I know sounds a little funny, but the rage she had on her face actually scared me and my father). I reported that. The following day I met again with administration and was told she would be moving out in 10 days and would have an aide assigned to her 24/7 until her departure. I was asked to take my father "out" of the AL for our visits until she was gone and they would "keep an eye on him" to be sure he was safe and comfortable in the meantime. I hope she has found happiness, peace and the help she needs being close to her family. I will say this, the facility handled everything very well and I am needless to say pleased with the outcome. The atmosphere in the facility is totally different. Residents are not on eggshells, fearing they will say or do something to "set her off". My father has made new friends and the change in him is so great. He is more involved and excited about life ahead. He said "all I want is to live in peace and happiness" and now he can. The best thing about the outcome of this situation is my daughter wants to go visit her grandfather again. She stayed away for months because of the anger and sadness she felt. To see them laugh and talk is so great. Thank you all for taking the time to help me. Being able to have people understand and know what it is like to "be in your shoes" is priceless. Thank you thank you thank you!!!!!
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Reply to samsmom43
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I truly appreciate all of the input, kind words and support. I am new to the AL community and am trying my best to learn as I go. I do have faith in the facility and know they have my fathers best interest at heart. Stayed tuned!
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Here is the latest update. I spoke to the Manager and Director and they said they have taken the complaints, not just from me but from others and tried to get her to change. This has not worked so far so they have involved Ombudsman, asking for help. I was told of that Tuesday. Tuesday night she verbally attacked my father demanding money and would not leave him alone, witnessed by nurses. He called me in a panic and I went there. I stayed with him and made sure nursing would keep an eye out. I went to administration again Wednesday and said this is getting serious, they assured me it was being worked on. Because of confidentiality they couldn't go into specifics. I am trying to be patient. Wednesday night, I spoke to my Dad around bedtime and he told me the woman at the center of all this "hit" the woman who now sits at my Dads dining table. He said "she walked by and clobbered her in the head". Manager came in and took her out. Everyone is fine, woman was not hurt. I was floored. Needless to say I went in today and said I was very concerned about Dad's safety. Obviously she is capable of anything at this point. I was assured he will be watched closely. Doors locked and I am on speed dial. Manager couldn't go into details again because of confidentiality, but I believe now I have their attention and what I have been saying for months is all true. In the meantime, my Dad asks me what he did wrong and I said "nothing, these are her decisions". So, I was asked to write a letter in regard to the whole situation and detail incidents and how it is affecting my dad, myself and my family. NEVER would I have thought I would be in the situation. Please don't think I am without empathy and have no compassion for others in their later years, I do. Having said that my first priority is my father, his health and safety. Will send update when available....I will just keep the faith.
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JoAnn29 Apr 4, 2019
This woman is showing violent tendencies. As such, she should not be in a AL. She may need a Psychic facility for meds to manage the problem then a NH.

Be patient. The family probably needs to make some decisions. The facility calling a Ombudsman in may mean the facility wanted to know how to handle the situation.

The family is going to need to find a facility with a bed and make arrangements.
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I am assuming that you have POA. As such, she isn't able to get to his money. I hope you have cutoff his being able to. If this is her MO, then ignore her. Really, anyone who would act this way has to have some type of mental problem. Don't react to her. She is trying to alienate Dad thinking she will be able to control him. You are a problem to her. Tell her, you are not going away. Maybe eventually she will back off. If she starts when Dad is around politely ask her for some privacy to visit. Ifvshe doesn't get staff involved.
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It’s hard to imagine that she is mentally well with the actions she’s taking. Either way it is a problem for your dad and you.
Was she there before your dad? Does the administration indicate if she had this problem with anyone else before your dad?
Do any other of the longer term residents, staff or volunteers seem to know her or be friends with her?
I guess I’m hoping she will become attached to someone else. Perhaps if your dad could find another buddy she would move on?
I’m sorry you are having to deal with this.
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samsmom43 Apr 2, 2019
Thanks for your response. Yes she was there before my Dad, administration has confirmed with me that this is "her M.O.". The staff and residents all see what is happening, and say it has been going on since day 1, she doesn't treat anyone with kindness or respect. She does not have any friends. The thought of her getting attached to someone else is a good one but no one likes her. In my heart I feel sorry for her but my Father comes first and I will not let her compromise the time I have left with him, he is 88. Since my initial post things have worsened as far as her behavior with me is concerned. I have a meeting with the Director and Manager of the facility and I am going to tell them today, I am at the end of my rope. I will let you all know how it goes. Thanks.
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It sounds like you need to file an injunction of harassment to get the facility to take this serious.

Do not avoid seeing your dad because of her.

I would give the administration a heads up that if she verbally attacks you or bothers your dad you will be using law enforcement to put a stop to the harrassment.

It sounds like she needs some happy pills.

Good luck and let us know what happens.
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