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My parents are both in poor health - my father is in remission from leukaemia though is currently in the ICU for the 5th time in as many months with a lung infection, and my mom has depression and a slow growing blood cancer. I'm 32 and have one sibling who does not help in any way with their care. We don't really have any other family to speak of.

Initially I was living abroad and moved home in 2010 when my father had his first bout of cancer. At that time both my parents were in their mid 60s and were fit and active. After the initial diagnosis he had ups and downs with his health, so I got a job nearby and lived with them until late last year. The more well they seemed to be I guess the more tired we became of each other (!!), and the time seemed right for me to leave again and resume my life abroad. I got a fantastic job, we said our goodbyes, they told me not to worry about them etc.

A week later I got the call that my dad was in ICU and it was 'touch and go' and that I needed to come home as it didn't look like he would pull through. My job were great and gave me some time off, and we've been on an emotional rollercoaster since then. Thankfully my dad has regained consciousness and is doing well, for now. My mum has taken his latest illness incredibly hard and emotionally she is not coping. My sibling is nowhere to be seen.

The time has come where my job really needs an answer from me as to whether I'm coming back or not. I am so very torn, and when I think about quitting the resentment builds. It's not my parents' fault, and to be honest when I think about leaving them it upsets me. But I do also worry about staying. No-one can say how long my dad has and in what condition he'll be if he's discharged from hospital. My mum has spent a great deal of time caring for him too and I don't know if she'll cope if this happens again. Her depression adds a terrible dimension to everything she goes through and really does drag me down too, much as I try not to let it.

I love my parents, and I care for them because I think if I were in the same situation I'd hope someone would do it for me. They're not especially high dependency yet, and the care I provide is mainly trying to help them cope with daily things like shuttling them from hospital appointments, getting groceries, household chores etc. but with time I imagine their needs will increase.

I have no friends here as I left this town quite young, and I worry how I would cope if I lost them both and found myself here with no support system. I feel like if I don't go back to 'my life' now I never will, but the other half of me is racked with guilt for even feeling that way. I know there is no easy answer, but is there anything that can help me find my way to a decision?

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This is indeed a tough call that will have to be up to you. One thing you might consider is hiring someone that can do things for them, such as transporting and shopping. If they had someone they can depend on like they depend on you now, you could go back to work. I have a feeling that whichever decision you make you are going to feel guilty and resentful. When someone is old and sick, there is really no right way of doing things. Anything we do feels wrong, because it doesn't fix the primary problem -- they're sick. I think you should choose what is best for all the people involved (including yourself!), then find a support person for them if you decide to go back to your life.

I just thought of the sadness of this decision. In one circumstance, your parents may not be there when you get back. In the other, your own life may not be there when you get back. I don't envy your decision. Big hugs.
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I'm glad you haven't made the decision yet. It sounds like you will be very unhappy if you return to your parents at this time, especially if they stay alive and well for a long time and you've meanwhile given up everything in your life and treated it like a major crisis.

I'm curious about the sibling. Where does he/she live? Are your parents asking you to move back from overseas instead of seeking help from a sibling who may be much closer. If I were you, I certainly would not move back with the expectation of doing it all alone. I would agree to move back only if there was going to be a 50/50 split with the sibling and if your parents were willing to expend whatever they could on their own care. If they can afford assisted living, maybe that's the best solution. And you can Skype with them daily to make sure it's all going well. I just would not make an irrevocable decision to jump into a situation that's already making you feel resentful and desperate.
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You might consider asking mom to hire a geriatric care manager to set up care. Is her depression being treated?

If you dad has chronic leukemia, as did mine, it was 5 years of the er/ice roller coaster. My mom was stalwart through it all, as she was determined to keep dad at home. I guess what I'm saying is that this could be a long ride. I got called home (only an hour away, thank goodness) because daddy wasn't going to make it this time. In your shoes, I think I'd try to set things up so that they have supports (ie, paid help mom can call on when there is an emergency) which you can possibly manage from afar.
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Thanks so much for the replies, it's lovely to have support, even if only online!

My sibling lives 15 miles away and has a small child. Both them and their spouse lost their jobs in the crash and neither works outside the home. It's always been so that they don't assist, even before they had their child my parents would rarely see them, the only difference being that the excuse used now is that they're busy with the baby.

My parents haven't asked me to move home at all, I guess I'm the one feeling compelled to do it. My mum cared for her own elderly mother for many years through dementia and as a result has become a champion for kids going to lead their own lives! The care system for the elderly in the country they live is very poor, assisted living doesn't exist here and in many ways they're still incredibly independent.

My dad had acute leukemia (following radiotherapy for prostate cancer) which has been in remission thankfully since late 2012. His frequent trips to hospital are for fungal lung infections, the most recent of which started when my mum found him unconscious on the floor. The condition my mum has is usually slow growing but no-one can know for sure. In a twist of irony they are both under the care of the same hematologist who is very kind and looks after them both very well.

I know it's an impossible decision really, no-one knows how long either of them has, and my mum would be so sad if she felt I was putting my life on hold for them.
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glasker, I think your mum answered your question for you. See if they know someone who is trustworthy and they can hire when they need help. You can keep up with them and be there fairly quickly if it became urgent. What Babalou wrote makes a lot of sense to me.
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I think that you know from the statement you made about your mother being a champion for kids going to live their own lives what the answer to your question is.

I believe that the previous advice can help you set up a system of support for your parents' care.

This not by far an easy decision to make. You will be in my prayers.

Keep in touch.
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What country do your parents live in if you don't mind me asking? or did you mean to type county?
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They/we live in Ireland which is kinda backward in a lot of ways in terms of the supports it has for older people - you either live with family or you go to a group home which is where people usually end up when they haven't got long left or can't be cared for by family. There is no assisted living at all, and as the group homes are almost a 'last resort' families have to muddle through on their own.

Just back to my mum's depression - she is on meds and visits a psychologist once a week. She's battled it bravely virtually her whole adult life and just seems to be going through a particularly bad patch just now.
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glasker, here is one way to look at this tough decision.... I bet your Dad was the breadwinner in his household, did he give up his job to care for his parents or your Mum's parents?

Would you parents be able to hire a taxi to take them to doctor appointments? A housekeeper to come in once a week or every other week to clean? Does your area have on-line grocery shopping with home delivery, assuming your parents are still able to use a computer? That way your parents will be able to feel they are still independent by setting up these things themselves. It's something to think about.
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Glasker, I meant to say before that I got called home many times in 15 years. I think your mom has given prior permission for you to fly the coop.

In addition to setting up outside help, you might want to find out if mom's depression meds should be increased/changed. If she's been on one drug for a long time, there may be newer ones that work better, or she may need an additional medication. Just a thought. All the best to you and your family!
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I kept my life and my job here in Arkansas and did long distance caregiving for my parents in Pennsylvania for three solid years, and after Dad passed on I moved Mom here. There were good parts and bad parts to that. I made arrangements to travel every 6 weeks or so and alternated driving and flying and got really very good at sprinting through the Charlotte airport and negotiating the Pittsburgh PA "belt system" and freeways. Mom and dad got good care. My daugther who needed support here at home got it, my colleague did not have to manage alone at work which would have been awful for her, and the whole program I had devoted much of my life to building could have folded and didn't. (It suffered a little, but that's another story.) I found I could do a lot of financial and social assistance by phone and by web - in fact, over time, once I got good at faxing and e-mailing POA and other documents at a moments notice, nearly all of it. I spent some days with Dad and we got to say the I love yous and I'm proud of yous and all that...which was doubly important because, on the bad side, I did not get to be with him when he actually passed on. It was a fifteen hour drive and he passed about four hours into it. I went on drivng in the snow all night and was there to tell Mom in the AM and set thnigs up for the funeral which was mostly pre-arranged. Then I had to leave mom there, though again, she was OK and getting good care. The other bad thing was when she had to get medical care and I was not able to be there, things that needed to be communicated just weren't. Paying a care manager to accompany her instead of me was necessary but not sufficient, that's for sure.

In the end, shortly after Mom passed, one of our journals had an ad for a very good job in my field up in Pittsburgh PA. Which made me totally question my whole decision.

So, its a tough, tough. tough call. Find out as much as you can and make the best call you can. There will be good and bad things on both sides. I would say don't go if the resentment that sister would not do what you thought needed done wil eat you alive. Think about what really needs done - it sounds like your mom has a lot of strengths - and if a long distance caregiver situation sound like you can offer a lot of support that way, affording the travel every so often both planned and occasionally unplanned, maybe its right. If being close to mom and dad and sister and niece will be a great joy as well as a responibility, and you can find something realted enough to your field to stay in it and return to it fully in the long run, maybe its better to go. Bless you as you try to decide, and may the best possible solutions open themselves up to you as you find your way.
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Thanks so much for the replies - I'm still no closer to making a decision but your experiences have been so helpful to read.

My dad has made his latest miraculous recovery and is in good spirits - he had sepsis this time but his organs seem to have recovered and his medical team are delighted with his progress. He suffers with bronchiectasis, COPD and has had fungal pneumonia a number of times in the last 12 months. In my heart of hearts I feel that he hasn't got long left.

My initial post was spurred on by all relatives assuming I'm going to come home, and all my friends telligng me to. I know you can't make siblings care (and I've read many of the tough experiences people have shared on here) but rage I feel toward my sibling makes me feel sick. She lives a 20 minute drive from my parents, doesn't work (neither does her husband though they do care for their child) yet she doesn't visit from on end of the week to the next, unless she wants something (usually a home cooked meal from my mum). Yet when I'm home she magically appears constantly, as if to dispel the opinion she knows I have of her.

I feel like I want to stay, but seeing my mum bend over backwards when my sister demands, and become so upset that my sister doesn't pay them any attention, would make me go stir crazy.
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Update:

So I made my decision and resigned from my job today. I am sad about it because it is sad. In the end I tried to separate the issue of my sibling (because that's never gonna change) from how I would feel about being home with my parents or not home with them when the time comes. I would hate to sit here in however long lamenting that I should have been at home with them but wasn't because it wasn't 'fair' and my sister lived closer....

So I'm sad, but hopefully not for long. There will be other jobs I'm sure, and my dad is making some progress. Things could be so much worse.

A huge thank you to all of you for your experiences, kind words and insights. Much love.
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I thought about this some and realized that you did what you thought you needed to do. I'd love to read more as you work your way through this. I hope that all things work together for the best.
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Glasker, wonderful advice above. Please look in the community for the limited help your parents need. A capable elder friend who could use a little extra money. My children both are prepared to put their careers on hold and move back home to help with their Dad. NO, NO, NO, I am like your mother, I never want my children to sacrifice at that level. God Bless your work ahead.
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One more thing, plan a very serious conversation with your sibling. Lay out your parents needs and your limited ability to help. Don't let them off the hook to easily.
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I moved my life to be near my parents when I was 35. It was a very difficult decision as I was on the brink of an amazing career in another city. They both died within 5 years and when I look back, I feel like a better person for making that sacrifice. My career isn't what it could have been but I have no regrets/guilt. Ultimately, I think I've turned out to be a better person for having done it because my view of the world has changed and the things that used to be important to me are no longer all that valuable.
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Oh my, Just read your update decision. Completely understand your decision. Left my careeer to care for hubby. Your parents are better cared for but now you have to take very careful care of yourself. Boredom and inactivity may become your worst enemy. Stay in touch with former co-workers, employers and try to stay involved with the outside world. Work where and when you can even if its volunteer work. Please make caring for yourself a priority.
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I may sound like the bad guy here but if I was your parent, I wouldn't want you to sacrifice your future for my care. You are very young and this time the foundation for your career and future life.

Why haven't your parents made a plan for themselves? They are not elderly, they are relatively on the young side of senior status. Let them try to figure this out the best they can.

Maybe you can arrange extra time off without pay to visit without jeopardizing your job status?

And, finally let the other sibling step up to the plate. Unfortunately, many siblings let another sibling do the entire task unless their hand is forced.

Don't feel guilty. This is your life. I moved in with my parents, sold my house and left the area I liked to help them but I was 60. The upside was that I was actually closer to my job so it took some stress off me. The downside was that living with them turned out impossible.

Hugs. I know you want to do what is "proper" in your mind and heart but I'm sure your parents don't want you sacrificing yourself for them.

Bottom line question: what would they do if you weren't around--and I mean like gone, dead, abducted by aliens gone. They would have to cope and find a way, right?
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Wow, good luck Glasker. I am oddly sitting in the very position you are wondering about down the road. I moved out when I was 17, went several states away, put myself through business school, ladder climbed, owned a business. In the 30 years spent in my chosen city away from home I married, made lots of great friends, had lots of clients, business contacts, a beautiful home, the best Dr., best Dentist, best Veterinarian, best place for hair cuts, etc. all figured out. I was getting tired, starting to think of being around family more, moving out of that city to a smaller slower paced area, but wasn't quite sure, wondered about work, wanted to make a good balanced decision.

Then my only Sis called and told me she had cancer. I sold my house and moved home to be there with her. She was "supposed to" have 3-5 years. I wanted to reconnect. I thought maybe she'd even have longer than that if we could get it into remission. The phone call I got was in April. I moved into my new house in late July. My Sis died September 5th. I had 6 weeks with her. My being there was bittersweet for both of us, here we finally had the time for each other, access to each other again, but under such a dark cloud. I lived 5 minutes from her, was able to go get her medicine, groceries, be there at a moments notice, pick her up when she fell, help her out of chair and such, get her drinks as she got weaker. She was soooo appreciative when I'd sit on her bed and bring her a fresh drink with a little straw in it, wipe her face with a cold cloth, chatter about something funny. Sometimes her words were garbled and she couldn't talk back, but she'd always grin at me ear to ear. I held her hand while she passed, pretty peacefully, I think she knew I was there even though she'd not be conscious for a while.

Here I sit in a strange state now, I don't really like the house we had to buy in a hurry, can't just build another business from scratch, there isn't much for other work here. All my friends are miles away, I don't know who any of the good service people are, ...but it was all worth it.

I do have my Mom in the area, Stepdad of 35 years as well. Oddly DH has adjusted better than I, he found a good job he's happy at even though it's a 70 mile a day round trip. I've been helping my 70 year old Mom with multiple health issues and tasks as the need arrises, but I miss my old life. Nothing to do but dust one's self off and re invent I guess. I hope you do OK.
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I absolutely wish you well but I would encourage you to be very very sure. I've been forced by circumstance into the position you are choosing and it is hard to lose the future you had been building. To me the natural order is that the old should make compromises so that the young can care for them without destroying their futures. Now "destroy" is a pretty strong word, but in many cases I've read about on agingcare here it does apply. Had I been able to find stable employment in the area I had chosen to settle in, I would have moved my mother to my city to be better able to care for her - I would not have walked away from my life I was building there. It's not selfish to take care of yourself AND them.
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contact your local area agency on aging or bureau of senior services, there are in home programs your parents may be eligible for. I've been fortunate in the fact that I lived next door to my father so when he needed in home assistance I just moved in. If you can find in home assistance for your parents, then you should still be able to continue with your work. A geriatric care manager is a great idea. You are not alone in caregiver dilemma's, you find middle ground and go from there. Good luck.
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Thanks for the most recent replies, it's nice to hear contributions from everyone.

I do need to point out that my parents never asked me to stay here and watch out for them, it's a sort of internal compulsion I have if that makes sense? My mum did ask me to come back this time because it looked like my father was on his deathbed and she knew I would want to be here. Outside of that I guess they enjoy the perks of me being around (being shuttled to doctor's appointments etc.) but they don't force or guilt me into anything and they never have.

My job has been great in not forcing me to go back to work my notice and offering to pay me all the same. I don't know that I made the right decision - I don't think I'd have been 100% happy with either course of action. My mum is quite upset by my choice but understands why I did it, and my dad isn't fully with it just now so it probably hasn't occurred to him that I seem to be around a lot for someone who lives in another country!

Regarding my sibling, I've tried that conversation many many times. She drags my parents into it and it becomes upsetting for them. Her usual response is that she took care of them when I lived away, you know, when they were in their 50s, fit & healthy and she saw them once a week when she wanted a home cooked dinner. We don't get along at the best of times (in case you couldn't tell!)

I've invested a lot of time and money in my education and career so hope to find something closer to home soon. My dad's doing great by the way, even cracked a smile today.
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glasker, have you looked ahead to the future for yourself?... hopefully your father can live a couple more years, and your Mum could live on another 25 years. My Mom has a slow growing cancer and she's now 97 years old. Are you really willing to give up your employment for all those years?

If at all possible try to continue your career in your parent's home town, otherwise what will you have to live on when it comes time for you to retire?
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Glasker, good luck finding a new position in your new area when you are ready! I think I will be looking for something part time around here when the snow lets up in a couple months. Maybe it will kind of give me back some purpose, make it seem like I live here. :-) It was tough to follow my heart, tough not to though, too. I don't regret it, I got some time with her, something all the tea in china wouldn't get me now, so I'm glad I did it.

Your sibling situation sounds like my niece situation. My Sis left behind a grown daughter, she never cared for my Sis in life, but oh, to hear her tell my folks how hard it is without her now. I think they call it emotional blackmail? (When Sis's husband left her 20 years back the girl went with the Dad, ...follow the $.) Didn't have much contact with her or my folks other than when she wanted money, cars, presents. She's had a couple babies, different fathers, doesn't work, current baby's father doesn't work much either. They are all over my folks, asking for cars, bills to be paid. They dangle the babies in front of them, tell them how much they look like my Sister, (not), ...Uggghh.

The only thing that keeps me sane is keeping my mouth shut. A friend back home told me not to let her ruin my folks's ability to enjoy a good relationship with me, and not to let her take away my ability to have a good relationship with my folks, either. It's been such a valuable piece of advise it deserves to be shared. :-) I will always be disgusted by her, she will always be a leach, and my folks will always be swayed by their concern for their Great Grandchildren. So only thing to do to keep her from damaging other people's relationships, ...is don't let her. :-)

So glad you Dad is feeling better today!
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I am currently facing the same decision leave my career or take care of mom, she has dementia. I am 90% convinced to leave my job. My heart pulls me towards my mom. I have a brother. He lives 7 miles away and 25% committed which is better than not having him there at all. I'm 20 years older than you, not ready to retire, but I have no resentment. I did not realize how important my mother is until I was faced with this decision. I plan to get involved with the local community and who knows some form of part-time employment may develope. No regrets--Just a new door opening to recreate myself.
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Look I went to the same thing I had to leave my job to take care of my mother, some times I resent it but I take I good breath and think that they took care of me when I needed it, so now it is me who has to take care of them. I lost my friends because I could not go out whenever they invited me because I could not leave my mom alone, but after thinking about it, think, that they would do it for you no matter what, if you had needed them when they were ok. Do not dispair and take care of them, believe them somehow you are not alone and someone will help you out because that is something we have to do, they are our parents and the least we can do is support them when they need it
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Wonder how many parents if they had a clear mind would want their grown child quitting their job, losing good income, losing much needed retirement benefits, losing the all important health insurance, possibly losing their own home because without income they can't pay the mortgage/rent, and losing most of their friends, just to come to take care of them. They would be aghast if they could know this is happening. And even more so if they realized how exhausting and health damaging it is for that grown child when this happens.

There are always options. I realize some had promised their parent(s) that they could come to live with them, but the promise was made when the parent was healthy, still working, and driving. We never think of our parents getting old, I know I never did. Even though I am not under the same roof as my parents, there are days I feel that my parents might outlive me, the stress has cause several serious health issues.
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Good question.
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The problem is that you won´t be sure how they will take care of your parents, if you are young and you can pay for a good caregiver is ok but if not you have to do what you think is best for them, you have to give them a good life while you can even if that means living with them. I am sorry but I don´t agree on sending them somewhere where they take care of them in not a good way, pls think about them and how they cared for you, they gave you everything while they could, the only think is retribution. Find a job close to their home and stay with them, you will feel better (if you are not married) and if you are, ask for help but do not leave them alone, is the least thing you can do, and do not feel bad for leaving your life for them.
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