Financial support for a parent--who's responsible?

Children are not financially responsible for their parents.

There's no mess. What's the mess? They should move into assisted living. If A runs out of funds to contribute his/her share, the other should pick it up.

It's not a business transaction. It's a marriage.

Both sets of parents are responsible for their own housing/care cost. Once the money runs out, they would need to qualify for Medicaid. Medicaid will decide how much the State will kick in to help out financially [it depends on the State of residence, each State has it's own rules and regulations].

The grown children are not responsible for the financial support, unless they volunteer to do so.

Pam, I think you're confusing the Pittas case with something else. Here is a link to the appellate case. It's clear that nobody but the one son was sued, and there was no claim that he'd received any assets from his mother. His mother was deemed to be indigent based on her meager income of around $1,000/month. I don't know why Medicaid was turned down - that wasn't mentioned in the appeals case, but the denial was being appealed at the time the final decision came down. (When the case was first decided, I recall reports saying that the Medicaid filing was never finalized, because the nursing home was counting on the family to pull the documentation together, and they didn't get it done in time. I don't recall any mention of the lookback period or any assets being transferred).

The court expressly said that there was no obligation on the nursing home to sue the husband or the other children, but that the defendant could have joined them in the suit if he'd wanted to. (There was also no mention of the son having signed anything, in response to Maggie's suggestion).

I agree with the idea of never moving to Pennsylvania (I lived there for a few years right before I moved to Florida). The law is very unfair and was applied very unfairly in the Pittas case.

Here is the link, FWIW (for as long as the website leaves it up).

hollanderlawoffices/CASE%20HCR%20v%20JP%202012.pdf

Do you have/can you get a copy of the prenup? I'm not sure what's standard, but I think they mainly cover what happens on divorce and maybe death. Even if this one provided that each should be responsible for their own health care/disability costs, I'm not sure it would be upheld if one of the spouses runs out of money and needs assistance. It might depend on the law of the state of residence. I think you really can't know the answer to this without having the prenup evaluated by a qualified elder care lawyer in their state. Generally, adult children are not responsible for parents' expenses, but that also varies by state. Reference the Pittas case in Pennsylvania, where a son was held liable for his mother's rehab hospital costs when she left the country without paying.

I'm thinking he may have signed something when mom was admitted. I know I was always asked to do so, and always adamantly refused...

If parent A sells the house and pays off the home equity loan, how much would that leave him with? If they moved to AL together, between their LTD policies and income, wouldn't they have enough? The $600,000 should be invested to produce income, even at 1% that would provide $500. Per month

Who's responsible. Read the Pre-Nup first and foremost.
The problem as I see it is the Reverse Mortgage in A's name. It will be called when A goes into a nursing home. A will need Medicaid. As long as A did not give away cash, real estate etc for the last five years, A should be OK. BUT if A was too generous to the kids, Medicaid will not pay. Medicaid will expect the gifts to be repaid. In the Pittas case, Medicaid said NO because the five year look back was dirty. It was actually the nursing home who sued ALL the Pittas children. However, the Judge ruled against the son who acquired all the assets, the paper trail pointed in his direction.

Thanks for the explanation. From your second post, I think your stepmother clearly needs some assistance, not just for the caring of your father but for her own respite. Battling cancer, regardless how well someone is coping, is emotionally and physically draining.

Often those who aren't present on a daily basis don't see how disabling caregiving can be - the carers try to put on a good face and manage things, and the visitors go away thinking things are on a pretty good level. I'm not suggesting that you and your siblings aren't realistic, only that what you see and are aware of from conversations and visits may only be the tip of the proverbial iceberg.

And I suspect there are many unspoken questions in stepmom's mind how or if the cancer will go into remission, what her short and long term future may be, and who will care for her husband if that future becomes more challenging or ends more quickly than expected. That's a tremendous burden and challenge for anyone, let alone someone taking care of a spouse with some dementia and apparent personality change.

BTW, answers very frequently go off topic; in this case I think it was helpful because the issue of filial responsibility is a delicate but explosive one if other states become as aggressive as PA has.

Since you raised the issue of sibling responsibility, I personally thought that a potential legal bombshell was a related subject.

As to suggestions:

1. How much and what tasks does the caregiver do? Think about the tasks your mother still does and how to get outside assistance to perform them. Relieving her of her own obligations will allow her more time to rest, which anyone battling cancer needs.

2. Perhaps you or your stepmother can arrange to have your father spend more time bonding with the neighbor watching football games. Make it an event - your father can bring food and the guys can enjoy sports activities while your mother gets another rest.

3. Check on local hospital's support groups. If there's one for those with cancer, and if your stepmother would go, make arrangements. Typically there are small bus or dial-a--ride door-to-door services in metropolitan areas if she's not able to drive. (In SE metro Michigan the dial-a-ride only costs $1.00 from home to a destination if it's within 10 miles.)

Check Gilda's Club website to determine if there's a facility in their area. GC in my area has an outstanding range of activities ranging from pot luck get-togethers to meetings for specific types of cancers to meditation type events.

4. Think of other ways, such as senior centers, book clubs, free musical events, or other cultural or social events that your parents can attend. Socialization would be helpful for both of them.

5. Contact the local senior center and find out what services they have, including meals on wheels. It would relieve your stepmother of some of the obligation to cook, especially if it's on a day when she's had chemo or radiation, if that's part of her regimen.

After seeing how debilitated my sister was after both, I can't imagine anyone even having the energy to cook meals or take care of someone else.


I'm sure others will stop by and offer more suggestions.

Adam, I know it's hard enough to see your dad with PD and all that that entails. But long term illness like PD is frustrating and difficult, and can cause a person to lash out at the person closest to him. Ask any spouse of a person with a progressive illness, and they will tell you that as hard as it is to see your loved one struggle, it's far harder for them to not have full control. To have someone reminding you about meds and exercise and surreptitiously watching that you took your meds and offering suggestions. Your dad's upset over the ironed shirts may have actually been about difficulties buttoning tiny buttons - PD affects every single muscle. Unless your stepmom has flat out stated she's not paying for your dad's care, maybe it's just that she's in the midst of a maelstrom, trying to get thru each hour of each day. And the idea of not personally caring for her loved one is not something she can think about.

Sterling, I agree. Prenups are for dividing assets in case the marriage ends. They are an agreement between spouses, the State / Fed is not one of the parties in the agreement, hence they are not bound to it. Second marriages, or marriages later in life when one has accumulated assets are to be entered with caution.