My husband and I have been together 5 years and just got married last month. We have lived together for 2 years, with his father living in our basement. Prior to moving in, it was a nonnegotiable that the FIL would live with us which I was accepting of because I love my husband. The reason FIL had a breakdown about 10 years ago and my husband has taken care of him since as he is the only family member capable of doing so . He is functional (can make himself food, does our laundry and dishes etc) but he does not leave the house. Ever. My husband spends each morning with his dad having coffee, leaving me alone upstairs and spends other additional time with him in the evening after dinner. The FIL will come upstairs at night and make noise in the kitchen, which interferes with intimate times with my husband and now makes me anxious to even participate in intimacy for fear of him coming upstairs. He does our laundry (which I am appreciate of), so he comes back into our bedroom area and that feels like it’s becoming almost an invasion of privacy now that we are married. I am just needing more space and privacy. I have found myself getting resentful of the situation and needing to set boundaries but finding it difficult after time has passed. I’m also having trouble with the prioritization of time between me and the FIL. Should I be more of the priority as a wife? Am I being unreasonable by needing more boundaries and privacy? I’m only 31 and am ready to start a family, so I need things to change before that. It’s a complicated situation. Any advice or help is appreciated.
Ideally , these issues would have been worked out before getting married , and if that wasn’t possible , you could have left more easily before being legally married .
I wish you luck . Although your husband may not agree or understand why things need to change .
Discussions are needed about boundaries as well as what happens later on when this elderly man is not able to care for himself. I hope it’s not assumed that you will be his caregiver .
But you haven't been all along so I'm not sure why you thought that just because you got married that things would now change.
This is a marriage problem and not a FIL problem, and until your husband decides to put you first before anyone and anything, nothing will ever change.
And do you really want to have children with someone who won't make them a priority either?
It's sad that only after a month of being married, that you already need marriage counseling. Hopefully your husband will be open to that. And if not, then you have some serious decisions to make on whether you really want to continue on in this marriage.
Was this already an issue but you didn't feel safe expressing it because you were concerned about the longevity of your relationship without the legal designation? Did you not feel like you were already on equal footing in your own home after 2 years?
I'm guessing FIL is in his 60s maybe based on your age - give or take. He could live a long time. Before you were married did you and your DH sit down and talk about starting a family and how that would impact having FIL live with you? How having children changes the dynamics of the home and you and he would have to move your attention to the child and not his father?
This is a big deal - it needs to be discussed at length and soon to make sure you are both on the same page.
You say you are ready to start a family so you need things to change before that. Is DH on the same page? Is he ready to start a family? Does he want children? Or was his plan to take care of his father for the rest of his life? These are things you need to talk about and it's not entirely fair to say "well now that we are married your dad is in the way of my plans" when he has been under the impression that it was ok for 2 years.
Boundaries and privacy? Absolutely. No more doing our laundry. No more coming upstairs after a certain time of night (quiet hours or something along those lines where everyone should be settled in for the night) No more going into our bedroom. If you are resentful of those things you should express it - but expect pushback.
As for the intimacy - lock the door and have your fun. If you are planning to have children - you are going to have to get used to other ears in the house and planning around them. Privacy goes out the window with children. (I swear I don't think I have peed alone in years!)
Regarding being a priority as his wife. Not to put too fine of a point on it - but you've been living as husband and wife for all intents and purposes for 2 years. In some states you'd be on your way to a common law marriage after a few more years with cohabitation. Has he not prioritized your relationship in that time? Did you express to him that once you were legally married you expected things to change and how? I 100% believe you should be his priority, don't get me wrong, but if literally nothing has changed except you have a legal document that says you are married - and you haven't talked to him about your expectations - why would he think anything would change?
Be fair to yourself and to him. Sit down and talk about this without FIL involved. Share your feelings - expect to hear his feelings and give them the same level of consideration you expect him to give to yours. Figure out what is non-negotiable and what you can live with. You can't just say "we need your dad out now that we are married". Have a genuine conversation on both sides. LISTEN to what he says and acknowledge that things have been this way for a while and you need something to change. But be fair to him as well. If this was all happening while you were living together and you said nothing - he has no way of knowing that this is a dealbreaker.
What kind of breakdown does a person have that he has to move in with his son and never leaves the house? More information would be helpful. Also, start doing your own laundry, and husband should do his. No wonder you’re afraid to be intimate with FIL into your private doings! And why would FIL want to do your laundry? Creepy.
Of course you want to start a family. That’s natural. But I wouldn’t bring a child into this situation. Then you’re stuck with taking care of a baby while husband and FIL continue to be in their own separate world. Husband will see no reason to change into a good husband and father just because a (smelly, noisy, crying, colicky) kiddo has arrived. That will give him another reason to avoid you.
This whole situation is giving me weird vibes. Nothing about it looks good for you. I hope I’m wrong,
Why does it bother you now?
Has your husband always had morning coffee with his dad?
Have you ever joined them? If not why not...if your now husband discourages it why?
Were you not intimate before you got married? Why now does it bother you that FIL may come upstairs?
Can FIL do your laundry but leave your laundry in baskets by the washer and dryer? (and personal comment why do you want your FIL doing your personal laundry?...I can tell you now I would NEVER have trusted my Husband to do my personal laundry items!)
If you do not feel like you are a priority now you are in the same position you were prior to 1 month ago.
Why do you think he would change if you said nothing before about not feeling like a priority?
I honestly think this is a marriage, husband / wife "problem" not a caregiving problem and you need to sit down and talk to your husband and work some things out. Your husband can set boundaries that will be acceptable to both you and FIL.
If this were me, I'd not have FIL doing you and DHs laundry since it makes you worried he'll come into your bedroom unannounced. My advice is to move on with your lives together and just accept that FIL lives with you. I don't see how you can get him out of the home now, tbh. At least he's self sufficient for now. Do talk to hubs at some point about care for dad when he needs it though, and what that will look like. You agreed to have him live with you, not to be his caretaker!
Best of luck to you.