How do you not feel resentful to older sister who isn't much help in caring for our mom?

when i started to feel resentment i pulled back and let things roll along. sometimes something bad will happen (mother falls,whatever). Sometimes you just have to give up control. Others can't help if you are always trying to control the situation. Step aside. Tell the truth. You're doing your best. Pray for their involvement.

I have 4 other siblings. Guess what ? You can have a Million meetings... they are NOT going to change. Shedule others and they show up 2-3 times (MAYBE)... Bare Ass truth is ..... Youre on your own... I have "help with hospice " WOW I can tell you they come 2 times a week and you have to watch them as well as your Parent .. (stickey fingers) There are only two kinds of people in this world. Givers and Takers. When my Mom ,who has lived with me for 20 years, passes away they will be lined up with their hands out and accusing me of taking their inheritance.Which by the way is ZERO as I have footed the bill for Mom all of these years. REALLY tell the truth... as one of my brothers said " you took her on ,shes your problem. Sad but that is the straight up truth... Oh BTW everyone says Keep your sense of Humor .. I dont know what year it was that I lost mine ...Maybe year 15 ..If you have it can you please return it .ASAP !

Well Flipperboy don't know how much my answer will help. I know exactly how you feel. After 19 years of caregiving for my chronically ill and physically disabled mother from both long distance and now locally, I myself am still at the resentful stage. I still am not at live and let live stage. I have had the "family meetings" and e-mails and phone calls to no avail. Plus, I am her official home health provider. But, my problems with siblings not helping with her goes way back. Now mom is having dementia symptoms and I have let them know what visits should be like(because her dementia worsens) and how much noise she can take and they still discount what I have to say.
Because of childhood incidents involving my brother(that not even my mother knows about) I have decided that for my sake I have to truly distance myself from him. It just is a very difficult situation. My sister has always been close to my brother but not with me. Only I and my family know what it truly is. They always put on the perfect "public" face and so to those on the outside things appear very different.

So yes, you can try all the family meetings etc.,etc. that you can but that will not guarantee that things will improve. But, for your sake I truly hope and pray that they will. Not all families are the same and as such not all results are either.

Same shit different family!!! Try another meeting.. I hope you have better luck than most of us on here (including me)...

Just to put in my voice - my siblings were helpful. We each had our jobs. I am so grateful for that. I'm so sorry for people whose family is a source of pain, not of love and support.

About the resentment - of course you are entitled to fell resentment. Does it feel good? Maybe in small doses. But try to put it out of your mind when you can. It's better for your blood pressure. Love to you all.

That is my 2014 resolution. Put me first. I am searching for a part time helper as a "back up". At the risk of having MIL worrying, my health is not great. We don't need added stress if something happens to me. She is going to have to face facts that every plan needs a back up. For the past 3 years I have been trying to set up a back up with lots of opposition from MIL. I am putting my foot down. I love her so much, I wish this was easier.

First off, bless you for stepping up and doing what was agreed upon by your family! Now as far as siblings go, explain your concerns and if they will not help, perhaps funding a caregiver would suit them better. Good luck, you are not alone. A lot of us have been there.

To everyone who says "call a family meeting," that might work if A) everyone lives within an easy drive, and B) they care. But in many if not all situations, A and/or B do not apply. So, the ones who live far away.....get to live their lives. And the ones who don't care,.....live their lives. If the parent who needs help cannot afford to hire it, or (in my case) hasn't gotten along with the (very expensive) helper, the search goes on for a cheaper, nicer helper. But even a "helper" does not really help....because, my parent has decided I am The One. I wish I could get a job on the other side of the continent, but that's not happening. So I get to be The One. It's the way it is for many people, and it really hurts to receive my siblings Xmas cards, hearing all about their lovely careers, travel for work, moving to a nicer neighborhood, vacations, etc.....I guess I should compose an Xmas letter telling how many times I brought my parent to doctor's, dentist, grocery shopping, cleaning out their microwave and vacuuming. There is a special place in Heaven for all of us who are The One.

I have one sister and we help mom but she is at nursing home .have two sisters did mom wrong and took money and they don't visit her. we go on with our lives but not talking to sisters. we have to forgive them but we don't have to talk. Maybe you have a good friend that can help so you can rest off and on and pray about it.

Good Luck we had the family meeting and begged for help. It fell upon deaf ears. When I started taking payment for all the work...all hell broke loose and finally had another meeting. They promised to help "share" the responsibility and cost. Each one was given a chore. Then it was my turn....When she greeted me at the door ,I looked at her and there were literally flies buzzing around her from the stench. Not one of them did their part. She doesn't complain so no one is at fault. I still do all the work and desperately need $

Wow! Given that there are 49 postings to this one question (this one makes 50 maybe?, and my earlier posting was one of the first), it is really revolting that so many of us are experiencing this but also kind of comforting to know we are very much not alone. I see some of the others have fleshed out the lack of sibling help and the overall feeling is that these are probably very selfish, self focused people. While this is true in my siblings' cases as well, there is another factor involved in our situation and that is there was a very dysfunctional family dynamic in our home. Without going into unnecessary detail (I know many of you can read between the lines very well) all of us (siblings) endured some physical and emotional abuse that, right or wrong, we can all say our mother didn't stop or do anything about. So, my caregiving of my mother isn't for the reasons many of you state (i.e., you had loving parents and you want to give some of this back as they are aging) but really more out of a sense of obligation, simply because she is our mother. My brother and sister have a much harder time looking at the situation this way, I believe (and my brother does some 2,000 miles away, which is actually kind of a blessing if you can believe that....often any interactions he has with Mom set in motion all sorts of issues I have to then deal with with her) but my sister's excuse (living only 40 minutes away) is largely that she is overwhelmed by her own life and inability to get out of her own way. In truth, I need to be more assertive and make her see that my life is also extraordinarily taxing (my husband and I own and operate our own business, I have two daughters and grandchildren, all of which are looking for attention and, for my own sanity and well being, I make a point of hitting the gym 3 times a week if at all possible and am involved in our church. In any event, just wanted to flesh out my situation a bit more, in case anyone else can relate. All I can say is, THANK GOD for this site! Hugs & strength to you all......

Meetings don't help, at least not in my situation. Three siblings, one right next door and there are always excuses why they can't help. Asking my sister (next door) do something as simple as cutting mom's nails is worse than having a tooth pulled...you'd think I asked her to donate blood. Again, as I said indicated earlier, meetings don't help.

Agree with many here. Time for another family mtg. You can't force them to help or change, and in their mind...mom is taken care of and they can go on with their lives 'cause problem solved. Nip it in the bud. Tell them you need help and they either step up (and you line out care responsibilities, time needed, dates and time and who is assigned task/turn right there and then) or you will hire care and assistance for mom including housekeeping, caregiver X hrs/week and each sib will be assesses X dollars/mo to cover expense. If they can't afford, tell them their share will be deducted from their share of estate. Keep good records and then stick to it.

Start looking into long term care or care facility for loved one now so you have options when this becomes too much.

I know so many where the care falls to one sib and others pitch in very little. Even when they come to help, they know they will only have to stay the week or whatever then return to their nice life while the primary resumes daily caregiving responsibilities.

No easy answers here. My sib tells me often, "it's your choice, you can walk away, no one asked you to do this" and they're right...I did, doesn't stop me from feeling overwhelmed and envious that I could do same.

Well, you could be thankful it isn't worse. I am not being flippant here. I understand your resentment that your sibs won't help. A family meeting is a good idea, Laying out the specifics of the help you need it a good idea.. For some it works, for some it doesn't. You may have to get some help/respite from the community you live in.
Back to my original comment, I am a distance caregiver, my sis lives overseas I am POA but mother is still considered competent (barely) so she can decide where she lives.. My sis recently arrived for a visit saying she was going to move mother to another facility (cheaper) and no consultation with me. I said I disagreed, long story, as mother has the best care available where she is, even if she does not think so. Many accusations later, including that I have a vested interest in mother's demise (a little projection here, I think) sis has backed off. I would happily settle for a sib that does nothing in exchange for one who interferes.
I wish you all the best in your efforts to get some help - from family or otherwise. (((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) definitely take care of you!!!

Hi flip- Like it has been said. A lot of us here has to put up with the same thing. Oh yes, the resentment is huge sometimes. My brother who lives 50 miles away and he was not here for Mom at all. My mother has recently passed and every time I see bro that resentment comes back. He promised a lot but did not follow through. I spoke to him quietly, sent him e-mails and yelled at him. My mother used to practically beg him to call her. Nothing ever changed. My mom was so hurt by his behavior that it made me want to hurt him back. I will tell you this, my conscious is clear. I am sure that my brother feels remorse also. He told me that my mother told his wife something awful. I told him that she told me some really hurtful things because of her dementia. Bro was there for his father but not for mom. I don't get it. What about telling them that they will have to come up with some money to pay a person to come in to give you a break. The best thing I can tell you is to do the best you can. That is all you can do. I wish you well and take care of YOU!!

A family meeting is a given. When you are all there ask, with an open heart, "Remember when you all agreed to help? What's going on with that?" And then listen. Put it in their ball park. If they hem and haw, then say "ok, I need you to think about that. Lets have another meeting next week." And get up to leave. They will want to prolong it and prove they are honorable people at your expense. If the meeting lasts 5 minutes, thats ok. No recriminations, no name-calling, just asking an honest question. If it goes negative, repeat the question. Keep them on point.

I agree it is hard to not be resentful toward uncaring siblings. In my case most of them live in different states and cannot be here for that reason. I am a widow and mom lives with me so her care is mine alone. Mom had SS and a small pension but her savings is only $5.00 so no one is expecting anything after she is gone. My sister who complains about what I do for her bought her house so there is nothing left but her cloths and collectibles for anyone to argue over and I will willingly give them what they want from that when the time comes. Mom even has, at my request, a completely prepaid funeral agreement so none of them will have to be put out for that expense. There are ways around those who do not give care but want the lion's share of the money and possessions. Your parent can put it in his/her will that the one giving care will get the estate so that if anyone is willing to provide proof of actual care giving they can share in it. If they can't be bothered they will get nothing or a very small portion. Encourage the parent to write up and addendum to this affect with her lawyer so you are covered. Then it will be her/his choice of telling them or not, but you will know and they cannot come back on you for it, especially if she/he adds a statement that if anyone protests they loose everything they were given. It is legal and the one who truly cared enough to provide care in the last years gets just dues in the end. You do have to look after yourself and if the others do not want to help with the care they have no right keeping you from recompense for your caring. If you are willing to let them take that lion's share then you just do nothing and try very hard to come to terms with it all and not hold hard feelings toward them for doing what you knew they would do. In the end, anything put into a will is what the law deals with and accepts, so get it in the will that the care giving son or daughter gets the estate and get a prepaid funeral arrangement so that is not left to you to pay later. And spend some time praying about your change of feelings toward your siblings uncaring attitudes.

I do feel resentful I don't talk to her and I try to avoid her at all cost I don't give her any updates on my mom or brother I don't let her see my brother she doesn't know where he is. I took her a month to go see my mom

On some of the answers I tried the same getting family members to help but they didn't they said it wasn't their responsibility

I have a sis who visits Mom maybe once a month (she lives 30 minutes away) and a brother who will maybe call once or twice a month ( he lives 30 minutes away) so I can relate to the loneliness of being a caregiver. At times I feel so isolated and really resentful of my sibs who can go on vacations, go away overnight - just have an adult life. That is not my situation. I can leave the house for maybe 4 to 5 hours before getting a frantic phone call "Where are you!" from my dear Mums even though we had talked numerous times about me leaving for a few hours. I feel so smothered and at times want to run away and never come back. Those are just fantasies of which many on this site have. I would never leave my Mom alone and have accepted this part of my life, however, I do need respite. This is the one thing that I am not going to give up. So what I do is everyother month I send out an e-mail detailing the days that I am going to be gone. It is never for more than 2 nights. Then I leave it in their lap who is going to take care of her. They can come here or bring her to their home but I make it clear that I will not be here. That took me over a year to become assertive enough to demand MY time. It has worked so far.

I know what you are going though I have been taking care of my mom and brother for 5 years my mom couldn't walk very well and she is incontinence my brother
has a mental disability I put my mom in a living assistant and brother in foster care everyone tells me I did the right thing my mom and brother are happier but I had problems with one family member a sister and her husband but they were never there to help me but they had their opinion about what I did I got a lot of help from doctors and agencies I was going though so much it is very
hard there is help you just got to look for it

Keep trying... there are many, many more years after the caregiving stops and maybe they just don't know how to step in because you are always there.

I'm in a very similar situation. I don't think that I can stop feeling resentful unless I make some changes in my way of thinking. I've been trying, but it's really not working! I've found that trying to lower my expectations does help a bit. After typing that, I realize that if I no longer have any expectations for my brother to help with Mom. Knowing that I won't be receiving help from him, makes it a treat for me when he actually does take Mom for a few hours. It is so sad that not every family member has the same level of dedication to our parents that we do. I don't really believe that the resentment will go away until Mom is no longer with us. Then I hope to realize how lucky I have been to have had all this time with her. We all have our own demons to deal with and I think when the time comes, I think my brother will have many regrets due to the times he decided he was "too busy" for her.

Sorry for rambling. This subject hits very close to home and is one that I've been grappling with!

So I'm NOT in it for the money.....whew! I better stop posting....long day!

Oh, and by the way, my parents have no money. Dad is on Medicaid in the NH and Mom has pennies left and my husband and I keep her going. So I'm in it for the money. Ther isn't any. I know some are though, like maybe Palmtree's brother.

Sorry but in a way I kind of agree with Pstern. Look, all of us out there are saying, "I can't do this anymore", "My siblings don't help me at all," "I'm the only one caring for Mom and Dad while they go on living their lives...." WE are the minority. For some strange reason, we got the DNA that made us give a shit. The rest of them can be divided into two groups: (1) They don't give a crap and never will, and (2) they want the money. I HATE to admit that money IS a motivator. Wouldn't it be great if we could establish a law (state or Federal) that said, if you are an able body person, you have to participate in caring for your parent(s) or you get nothing. I know...will never happen but it's fun to dream!!!

xo
-SS

PStern your comment is a good one but incorrect in some cases. I would like to know what you would do if you have tried to be part of your mother's life and she pushes you away? What would you do if you suspect your brother is more interested in her money (about 700K) than your feelings or love? And what would you do if you also suspect your mother and father left everything to your brother because they were jealous of your spouse?

Sound crazy? That is my family. And yes, they will whine and cry if I don't help my brother with my mother's care but that is just what they want me to do so they can say, "I told you so" and "Now she doesn't get any inheritance".

My point, inheritance should not be used for blackmail. Sometimes it not as it seems.

I totally relate to your problem. I am eldest of 9 and mom lives with me. No one else is willing to help but one sister complains to the others about how I let mom have her own way too much, however as she is the only one within decent driving distance she won't come to my house at all even to visit much less help. But I simply ignore her and her fault finding and try to enjoy the time I have with mom. Most of my siblings live in other states so having no help from them is not an issue for me. I find that if I ignore the complaints from the ones who do complain and enjoy my time alone with mom in the end I am the one being blessed and the others are loosing out on what could be great blessings for them. It does get hard when mom's dementia keeps her from cooperating with anything with her care but I seek support from outside sources and then I can deal with my inattentive siblings better. There are great support groups available for go in and sit down groups and there are many online groups, like this one, that provide great support and suggestions. Sometimes, like with my family, that family meetings are not an option so the outside support groups are the best option. I don't let my siblings lack of concern bother me at all and just love them as my siblings anyway. They all know that I am not bothered by their lack and all but the one who complains all the time have called to check on mom at least once a month and they all thank me for my willingness to take care of our mother because they all know they cannot do it for various reasons. If your siblings can only offer a thank you to you for your hard work and dedication then that is the best you can expect and that is a blessing in and of itself.

I feel your pain. I too have a sister that does nothing. My wife and I are the primaries. Mom lives with us. My sister is a guest of the world with two Master degrees and can't pay her bills. At 60 years old she calls me for money, asks about mom's money, and won't offer to help, visit, or anything. I explained to her that all she does is add more stress to my life. (Sorry I had to vent) anyway I have no other siblings and a "family meeting" is out. So I accept it's just me and my wife and deal with it. I go to church and pray for patience and understanding.

I think there is a lot of us out there in your predicament. You can resent them or just figure that they are only doing what they can; even though it's very little. I'm sure if you asked them they would do what you want them to. The trouble is they are not going to just step up. If you can, just keep on doing what you are doing. You will have no regrets. Resentment comes in waves with me. One day I will be very resentful; then the next I feel so bad for my mom and nothing else matters. I just keep telling myself they don't want to be burdensome. They just want to be what they used to be. Most important to you is a person you can vent to everyday.