How do you not feel resentful to older sister who isn't much help in caring for our mom?

short answer yes. my fil is back with us since the past saturday. and i have my hubby to help when he is not at work, but it is a lonely job. keep posting here and vent. there are a lot of caring friends here.

I know how you feel. Because I am divorced and work part-time from home everyone thinks my time is not worth anything. I have been caring for my mother for over 4 months now, full-time. I sleep on the floor of her den. I get 4 hours off three times a week and that is spent shopping and doing other errands. I am 500 miles from home and have no friends here.

I am so sorry you are in this situation...and also for your mom. Yes, I know how it feels to have everyone let you down. One option is to have a family meeting to remind them of their responsibility (in a very mature and civil way). Short of this and/or actually ASKING for help (again, there is no shame in asking...just please ask in a mature way.) Everyone has their daily issues, but no one truly can understand what you are going through--or they would be there to help. Another option is to hire help. Mom may have funds coming in or may be eligible for help through Medicaid. Find out and use the fund to hire help. You may need only a few hours or you may need all day/all night assistance. The other step you MUST take is to find a support group or a counselor to talk to. You are a wonderful person and your mother is blessed to have you taking care of her. You should feel the love! You should also take the time to do something for you. Decide what it is you want to do and plan it. You have value and it isn't expected that you should lose yourself while caring for your mother. Our lives are different than the norm, and in a special way, our lives are better. So many others don't get the opportunity to be as special as we are! Take the steps to making your life better. You deserve it!

Set up a schedule, have everyone agree upon it, and follow through. If you are the primary caregiver you may need to "show them the ropes" and help them care for your mom. They are likely scared of doing something wrong, so help them to feel confident and they will share the responsibilities.

Yes, it is a hard job and it is easy to feel resentful. Remind your family you made the decision together and ask them for help to give you a break. If they can not physically be there to assist perhaps they can assist by helping to pay for in home care. I am the only one of 4 siblings taking care of my mother (with an awesome husband who helps) because I am only one who lives near her. The rest of my siblings live 1000 miles or more away. But they are willing to help with home care if and when we need it.

I can sympathize with how you feel. I have one sister who doesn't help with my mother. It all falls on me since I live with my mom. My mom doesn't want my sister to help and my sister doesn't want to. All I can say is to perhaps remind your siblings that she is their mother too and you need a break from to time. Good luck to you.

Yes I have found myself in that exact situation! I have figured out that I will keep doing what I can and I will not have any regrets at all, my mom will know and I will too, that I did all I could and my mom knows how much I love her and all I did for her. I have been helping both parents as my dad has cancer and mom is his cargiver but they both need a lot of help. One sibling lives 15 minutes away, I live 30, but I do more for them than she does. I have a special needs daughter and she has no kids at home any more! Granted my daughter is 20 but still needs the help of a younger child. We also talked after dad hD spent time in the hospital that we would all help, guess it was just words for some. I can totally relate to how you feel. Don't hold on to the anger, just do what you can for your mom and take care of yourself. Call for help from the sister when you can't do something or tell her to do something so you can take a break.

Oh, Flipperboy, I am in exactly the same position except I am the older sister. When we moved our (now) 91 year old mother back up from Florida almost 10 years ago, we were supposed to be sharing the responsibility. Mom does live only 15 minutes from me and about 40 minutes from my sister so I always assumed I would be the local primary caregiver but also expected my sister to be more present, at least every few weekends or so. The situation started out this way but rapidly changed to my sister only making it down once every 6 - 8 weeks or so. Mom does still live in an independent senior building but has been having a lot of falls of late and her cognitive abilities are now significantly impaired so we know we're looking at either a home aide on occasion and, more likely, AL at some not too distant point in the future. All of these decisions, and the figuring out of how to pay for it monetarily, fall on me and my husband. My sister and her husband are always in dire financial and other life circumstances. I wish I had some good answers for you but I am apparently a doormat and don't know how to get out of my own way fully, let alone really guide someone else. If I can make any productive suggestion, it would be for you to be more assertive than I have been and make your disappointment and resentment well known and perhaps, if your sister and other family members can hear how overwhelmed and angry you are over having to bear the brunt of your mother's care, you may see some of them start to step up to the plate. That said, perhaps bringing your mother home isn't the best solution for any of you, including her. Have you and your family discussed having your mother permanently reside in AL? Good luck and hang in there....

Have a family meeting and tell them you can't do it anymore and she needs to be in home. See what they say then. Come up with a paper schedule of who can do what on what days. If they won't meet with you, disappear for two days and see what happens. The bottom line is you CAN'T do it all by yourself. Save yourself. Sorry for the tough love but I've been doing it by myself for four years and I'm a mess., two parents, one lives down the road, doesn't drive, totally incontinent, I do all the errands, food, meds, church etc.... The other parent in a nursing home. Who even goes to see them? Just me.... Don't be me. :)

xo
-SS

This is so unfortunate you have been placed in this difficult situation by your family. No fair! They made a deal and have not honored it. Sadly, what it comes down to is how far you are willing to go in holding them to their word. Will you walk away? If not, then it's a commitment to care for your mother as a selfless service, no matter what the others do. Good luck and God bless.

yes it is lonely and sometimes you feel there is no one to help. my husband helps when he is at home, by just being here so I can run errands or just get out of the house for a couple hours. my brother works full time and he comes over when I call him. he is good about it, but takes nights away with his wife and I NEVER get to get away for a night. I think he could come stay here with him as dad just needs someone here....HUG

I know how you feel. I have three other sibilings. I feel resentment against them too. I try not to think to much of it because I want a relationship with my family and I do love them. What happens for me, is it explodes if they try and question anything I do with my mom or for my mom. Like when they say mom's got to go to the doctor. I say take, no one is stopping you. I do not want to have drama or fight with them so I accept their short comings. My brother actually said, he is sorry for how this turned out, but I will be able to have a life once mom has passed on. It is what it is and you cannot force anyone to help. I know I will not have guilt feelings when my mom passes away because I have done all I could and I have the better relationship with my mom. I know her better then them and all the stories she has told. They have missed out on a ton and shame on them. Good luck, keep your head held high and know you are not alone.

Oh I know this feeling too. With the last situation where my mom finally had to be removed from the house, my sister again said she wanted to help, but in the past it was on her terms. This time I told her that this is not a buffet table where you come up and choose what you want but an actual commitment. I did not apologize for my feelings because they were justified, and if your sibling is just being lax and lazy, you have some rights to lay out the ground rules.

I absolutely understand, I have 1 sister and my mom is 84 and needs someone to take care of her which I took on that responsibility on my own, I just did it in hopes that my sister would help being it's her mom but NOPE, so I just look at it for what it is, we can't make anyone do something they don't want to do so I just let it go since I no what I am doing is the right thing and we will all be judged one day so just keep your head up and be proud that you can do what no else can and that's it, fighting with family only makes things worse. They stop visiting her and that hurts her so I play it off like I'm okay with it but like I said in the end we all are held accountable! You love your mom so you do what you need to do since we are not promised tomorrow and you will feel no regrets or remorse when the day does come and she is gone and you can hold your head up PROUD for being who you are and that's a loving daughter!

The basis for resentment is the feeling "that person is making me do....." whatever it is you're doing. Perhaps the logic is "If she were doing more then I could do less." That might even be true. Still, you're the one choosing to do everything you do. And if at the bottom of this is a longing for help, good -- it's good to recognize that. Then look closely at all your choices and actions. Are your choices in how you interact with your sister helping you to get her help? Have you looked for other sources of help? Are you doing more, yourself, than you really mean to or can sustain? Taking good care of your elder requires you to take good care of yourself and to be very focused on practicalities and strategies. Frankly we don't have the time for resentment; we need to be doing the stuff that takes care of the situation itself.

Hi Flipper boy, you are not alone. I used to feel the same way, but after doing all of the advice options given here and they are all good, I decided to pray on it and GOD opened many doors. It seemed that my siblings started to need our mom more than she needed them since I made up my mind it was her and I alone. Now I get a lot of help unfortunately it is due to their needs but, nonetheless GOD sent me the help I needed. Lastly, whenever they want anything out of the routine my mom makes them ask me for it and this makes them feel awkward. But this is what they choose. GOD Bless you with favor. Trust GOD!

Call a family meeting, and without sounding put-upon and hurt (that's the hard part), explain simply and briefly (with NO elaboration) that you can no longer put in as many hours caring for Mom. Then QUICKLY move on the the reason for the meeting – what do WE do? Let your siblings propose solutions and follow through with putting a plan into action. Maybe they'll want to establish a schedule to share her care, maybe they'll want to bring in a caregiver, or maybe move mom to an AL or SNF. Don't be the strongest voice in the room while the discussion is going on! That will be your inclination, because you've been caring for her and know what's best. But, to them, your reaction to each suggestion will sound like you're asking for help and then shooting it down. Tread lightly with dishing out your opinions on what's best for Mom, or you'll wind up being the one in charge again.

Our adult lives consume ALL of our time. When a parent suddenly needs lots of help, their adult children have trouble carving that time out of their days. If one sibling steps up to the plate in a big way (like you have), that person shouldn't be surprised that the other siblings go on about their lives and don't clamor to jump in and help.

I know how you feel. my brother lives with our mom,she had a leg amputated. i go over a few nights a wk and i stay all day on saturday or sunday,that way my brother can get out. but we have 3 other siblings and they do nothing. so i feel you have the right to feel the way you do

So now is time for another family meeting to make future decisions about your mother's health care. Don't be quiet about your situation as in many families, siblings will not step up to the plate unless there is a reason or someone asking for assistance. I would have the family meeting and set up a common, agreed upon plan to allows for all of the siblings to provide some kind of care on a regular bases. You will have to be vocal enough to bring about such a meeting. I would also have a schedule for regular meetings as things to change and families do have some priorities. So don't be silent--ask for that so-deserved team meeting very soon. One last item, your mother deserves to be involved with everyone in the family not just one person--she is mother is each and every one of you and each and everyone should be responsible for her care--Love is not one-sided when caring for a parent. Peace!

Don't give up. You say there are multiple family members. My friend says I am always looking for the pony in the pile. I will give them the benefit of a doubt: Maybe each one thinks the other is doing something. Maybe they just don't know where to begin Everyday8 really hit on it, but perhaps if you hold your family meeting, and this time draw up a list of small chores with frequencies such as: 1. laundry once a week 2. clean kitchen once a week 3. Take out trash/return buckets on trash days 4. Grocery shopping 5. Clean bathrooms once a week. 6. Be in charge of prescription refills/contacting doctors office 7. Get mail

You know your family. Would it be best to assign these? Or present them as choices?

For over 5 years my brother lived down the street from my father and visited for a lunch every other week while I commuted from Florida. I lived with Dad during the week and left my husband and 2 kids down in FL until we gave in and moved them to Maryland, but not too close to Dad.
Over the past couple years, I have had to ask Bro to do a few things: the trash, getting mail, groceries, and periodically picking up/delivering meds or taking Dad to the doctor. After he had done things a few times, he got used to it and he now is doing these things almost all the time. He still won't touch a toilet or clean the kitchen, but I take what I can get. I did realize Dad has some savings, and I am trying to convince him to let me hire a cleaning service.

So I hope you (and Mom) don't have to wait 6 years, but there is some hope that someone will step up.

PS - Another thing you may need to do is lower your standards a little. I don't leave him in squalor, but Dad's kitchen is not immaculate. I haven't done the windows is quite a while. He doesn't always make trash day. I told him to stop recycling because it created too much pressure to bring another bucket out on days other than trash day.

I had to tell them what their days were. Sue has Monday. I get Tues & Fri. Gary has Wed & Sat. Rick has Thu & Sun. That way we aren't all there at once tripping over one another, followed by no one there at all. Sue takes her to the grocery store. I fill the pill box, order the Rx's, stock up the Depends. Gary takes her to pharmacy and Dollar General. Rick pays the bills and does repairs. Separate days and separate chores avoids conflict. Any odd behavior is shared via phone call, and there's a lot of odd behavior and false reports. Things like "Nobody comes to see me" (baloney) and "I'm trapped in this house" (more baloney, she just wants the car back) "Why am I taking a new pill" (not new, generics look different every refill) "Aunt Ceil is coming with us" (Aunt Ceil was in a NH with her shoulder in a cast) "Chad never cuts the grass" (he's there every Friday) " I paid all the bills" (she hides the ones she doesn't like) "The smoke detector is beeping" (it was the microwave). So split up the chores and days and allow no excuses, no conflicting appointments and no calling in sick. Their only reason to miss their day is their own death or amputation.

This is great news!

I will continue to pray for all of us!

GOD speed my friend!!!

Keep posting.

Yes I have siblings that won't help take care of dad. He is their stepfather and it seems they have grudges against things that he has done in the past. I am his only biological daughter. When mom was sick, they were all there all the time. Now they tell me I have everything and have it easy. I have been married 8 years and all that time and a few years prior, my husband and I have lived with my parents to help. There is not much I can do to change any of their minds, but it is depressing and has changed our relationships greatly. Very sad, we were all close. Unless it is a holiday or bday and I invite them, that is the only way they come. We on here know it is not an "easy" job. I feel my life is on hold, hate my situation and want to move on and get going with my life instead of being the one in charge. But...I love my dad and feel it is my obligation to help. He is not an easy patient and it is hard to get him settled into this new life even after 6 years of moms passing. I hope you have luck with you siblings and it works out for you. Resenting is not a good thing, I would hate for you all to lose your relationships knowing it does not feel good. In these situations life and people you would think would help don't. Good luck and I hope you don't end up like me....sad and watching dad go downhill basically alone. Thank God for my husband, he is my only saving grace! Good luck...I hope they listen to you. Prayers your way.

I know how you feel. My 86 year old mother who has dementia, diabetes broke her hip in October 2013. Since my father passed back in 1993 I've always been the child to help my mom the most. I have an older sister (69, single, works as a mail clerk reading mail, weekends and holidays off) and a younger brother (49, married no kids, retired) both live 4 miles away from my mother. After her fall, I moved in with her to take care of her full time. My sister comes and visits her once a week for in more than 20 minutes, her weekends are for her personal time to shop, trips and social activities. My brother & sister-in-law haven't called or come to see his mother since early November. All my sister does is judge me and complain about moms care. I use to go upstairs when my sister visited till I caught her going through moms personal papers. I am my moms POA. I now sit next to my mom when my sister visits. My sister is very nosey, that's why we no longer get along. Just know you are not the only caregiver that has these problems. I know my story doesn't help you, just know you are not alone.

I think that you should take decisive action to bring relief to all involved, ie, put your Mom in an ALH. Do your research. There are still many who are trust-worthy and valuable to families in your situation.

I went through a similar situation when my Mom got sick in 2012. I won't bore you with the details of my brother's lack of assistance. My Mom was partially to blame, for in her years of living alone after my dad died some 15 years before, she became quite independent from her married life. She didn't want help, even when she got really ill. She was afraid she would loose her gained self sufficiency I guess. Anyway, when she did become unable to live alone, I moved her in with me in 2009. My brother seemed on the surface to care but was not around much. He rarely called her on the phone. I took that responsibility gladly and have no regrets. She passed away in August of 2012. I was so honored and glad she was with me and I had such a special time with her up till her last moments of life. I think by having that privilege, I I do see it that way, I was able to cope much better with loosing her. It was all worth it. My brother, on the other hand, has since stopped communicating with me all together, haven't even heard his voice in over a year. That does not bother me, I kept in touch with him till through cards, last one on his birthday in Oct. 2013. He never responded and I know, for certain he is doing just fine. He has to live each day with whatever he is feeling, it is not my issue. Don't let other's lack of action deter you from what you choose to do. It is a very lonely place but it will be O.K.

Just think of yourself as an only child. I would not contact them with updates on their mother. If they are concerned they will contact you or your mother. If your mother wants to call them assist with the call. If she is happy with your care and doesn't want to call them--so be it.

You can't force the siblings to care or assist. Use whatever programs and funds your mother has to help with her care. Arrange for scheduled times for you to leave the house for pleasure or for shopping needs.

Be good to your mother and yourself, you are in this situation alone. Time worrying about them and why they chose to neglect their duty--loss time and you don't need them. Hire home health aides and do what you can do.

Generally family members who refuse to step up for an elder are selfish personalities and unlikely to change. They probably are children who were
waited on by their parents and not much was ever expected of them. So this is how it ends up.

Your mother is fortunate to have you --imagine what her life would be if the other siblings were her only offspring.

Take care. Many caregivers are in the same situation. Yours are not the only
neglectful siblings.

I would communicate with sis and ask her what she meant by helping and see if you can live with her answer.

Make a flow chart, Yes is one down, if no go horizontal, make your decision blocks, there are three possible out comes, 1. she helps, but will it be enough, 2. She doesn't help, and you can go it alone, or 3. She goes where she can get help.
well maybe 4. If she qualifies for "cash and counseling" you can bring someone in, to help out, or you yourself could get paid.

Good Luck with whatever you decide


I am a care giver and share the responsibility of caregiving with her son.

Only one of the other four remaining sibs helps and it is for a 30 hour period, where they take her to their house, whenever they feel like it, so it really doesn't feel like a day off because you do not have time to make plans with the people you would like to see.

I have been doing it for 7 years without much help, but i was going to college and she owned her own home. They sold her house in this down-turned economy and now we have to pay rent beyond our means, she now has a guardian and it is all a mess.

obviously from the responses so many of us are in this situation, one would think with having a few children, they'd help out their parents in the end, WRONG!!!! me and my brother have been doing everything for several years, my brother chose to live a few blocks away from them because he knew eventually they'd need more help, now the other siblings say that he shouldn't complain because that's where he CHOSE to live, he has asked for everyone's cooperation (time/money, etc.) several times over the years and barely got help other than me and on occasion one other sibling (there's 6 of us), now both parents aren't doing well and these siblings are showing their true colors, unfortunately this has damaged our relationships on a long term basis, i'll forgive but never forget the disgusting things they've done & said, they are more worried about control, money & ego rather than our parent's care/quality of life for however long they have left, all I know is that they are a disgrace to this family and they will continue to be the miserable people that they are, they continue to be nasty because of their own guilty feelings, I can sleep soundly at night, they are probably having nightmares, what goes around comes around and it's not gonna be pretty for them in the future, GOD BLESS

Parents should tell their children that if they expect any inheritance, they better be around to help out when the need arises. End of story. Lesson to be learned, my brother didn't help me when I asked for assistance caring for our father and our dad changed his will.