How do you not feel resentful to older sister who isn't much help in caring for our mom?

So now is time for another family meeting to make future decisions about your mother's health care. Don't be quiet about your situation as in many families, siblings will not step up to the plate unless there is a reason or someone asking for assistance. I would have the family meeting and set up a common, agreed upon plan to allows for all of the siblings to provide some kind of care on a regular bases. You will have to be vocal enough to bring about such a meeting. I would also have a schedule for regular meetings as things to change and families do have some priorities. So don't be silent--ask for that so-deserved team meeting very soon. One last item, your mother deserves to be involved with everyone in the family not just one person--she is mother is each and every one of you and each and everyone should be responsible for her care--Love is not one-sided when caring for a parent. Peace!

I know how you feel. I have three other sibilings. I feel resentment against them too. I try not to think to much of it because I want a relationship with my family and I do love them. What happens for me, is it explodes if they try and question anything I do with my mom or for my mom. Like when they say mom's got to go to the doctor. I say take, no one is stopping you. I do not want to have drama or fight with them so I accept their short comings. My brother actually said, he is sorry for how this turned out, but I will be able to have a life once mom has passed on. It is what it is and you cannot force anyone to help. I know I will not have guilt feelings when my mom passes away because I have done all I could and I have the better relationship with my mom. I know her better then them and all the stories she has told. They have missed out on a ton and shame on them. Good luck, keep your head held high and know you are not alone.

When my uncle, age 62 died (he lived with and cared for my grandmother 89 at the time), I was retired and could assumed the role of caretaker. Even though I was 200 miles (3 1/2 hours drive on a good day with no traffic) away and was currently overseeing my Mom's help.

My siblings had died, and my only other Uncle was no help. My (sister's daughters only issue for next generation) nieces (who mom and I raised) decided we would take care of Nana and Grandma (my Mom). Both nieces lived within two doors of Nana and Mom respectively. So I traveled every other week to alternate locations to oversee the care being given and to manage the households.

Where were my 6 cousins? This was a good question. Two were out of state, the rest were within 100 miles from her.

I asked for help (trimming huge tree branches, painting, fixing the roof, and removing all of the stuff from the Garage, etc.). Things I couldn't possible do by myself and there was no money to hire anyone to do it.

One cousin came out to collect their father's things (truck, motorcycle, jewelry, photos, etc), trimmed one tree (did more damage than good) and left.

My Mom (who lives with me) was in a walker and could not do anything physically to help, but she called everyday (the call was forgotten after the phone was hung up) and SENT CARDS AND LETTERS, which could not be forgotten.

I asked each and every cousin to please write to Nana, explaining that seconds after hanging up the phone, she forgot who had called. Other than my Mom and Nieces, no calls or cards. Ok, anyone can forget her actual birthday, but mother's day, grandparents day, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter?

This lasted for 6 1/2 years, until she died.

Here is my advice. If you are caring for someone, you are doing what you feel, you are supposed to do. Others don't feel the same duty, obligation, blah, blah, blah. Don't do things in ANGER, it is all consuming and your parent may feel that you are angry with them.

Anger usually stems from fear of having no control in your life. Don't let yourself get angry, just accept that you are related to a bunch of people, who have oposite opinions about the needs, etc.. and give it up to God.

Revel in the fact, that when your time comes, for needing help, you have gained a lot of experience on how to care for someone and know exactly who NOT TO CALL for help.

Lastly, bask in the glory of Pure Love. AND When You See God, everyone does at the end, you will have Honored Your Mother/Father.

Look at it differently. Seek help from others. Know you are Appreciated. Trust that this is happening for a reason, even if it is unclear what the reason is right now.

Nana said to me, my first year taking care of her, "thank you for being here in my golden years". One day in year 6 she said "oh, you really are my grandson, it's not just a pet name".

Conclusion, before she forgot who I was, she knew she was going to be taken care of. After she forgot who I was, she knew, whoever I was, I was going to take care of her.

The basis for resentment is the feeling "that person is making me do....." whatever it is you're doing. Perhaps the logic is "If she were doing more then I could do less." That might even be true. Still, you're the one choosing to do everything you do. And if at the bottom of this is a longing for help, good -- it's good to recognize that. Then look closely at all your choices and actions. Are your choices in how you interact with your sister helping you to get her help? Have you looked for other sources of help? Are you doing more, yourself, than you really mean to or can sustain? Taking good care of your elder requires you to take good care of yourself and to be very focused on practicalities and strategies. Frankly we don't have the time for resentment; we need to be doing the stuff that takes care of the situation itself.

I had to tell them what their days were. Sue has Monday. I get Tues & Fri. Gary has Wed & Sat. Rick has Thu & Sun. That way we aren't all there at once tripping over one another, followed by no one there at all. Sue takes her to the grocery store. I fill the pill box, order the Rx's, stock up the Depends. Gary takes her to pharmacy and Dollar General. Rick pays the bills and does repairs. Separate days and separate chores avoids conflict. Any odd behavior is shared via phone call, and there's a lot of odd behavior and false reports. Things like "Nobody comes to see me" (baloney) and "I'm trapped in this house" (more baloney, she just wants the car back) "Why am I taking a new pill" (not new, generics look different every refill) "Aunt Ceil is coming with us" (Aunt Ceil was in a NH with her shoulder in a cast) "Chad never cuts the grass" (he's there every Friday) " I paid all the bills" (she hides the ones she doesn't like) "The smoke detector is beeping" (it was the microwave). So split up the chores and days and allow no excuses, no conflicting appointments and no calling in sick. Their only reason to miss their day is their own death or amputation.

I feel your pain. I too have a sister that does nothing. My wife and I are the primaries. Mom lives with us. My sister is a guest of the world with two Master degrees and can't pay her bills. At 60 years old she calls me for money, asks about mom's money, and won't offer to help, visit, or anything. I explained to her that all she does is add more stress to my life. (Sorry I had to vent) anyway I have no other siblings and a "family meeting" is out. So I accept it's just me and my wife and deal with it. I go to church and pray for patience and understanding.

Call a family meeting, and without sounding put-upon and hurt (that's the hard part), explain simply and briefly (with NO elaboration) that you can no longer put in as many hours caring for Mom. Then QUICKLY move on the the reason for the meeting – what do WE do? Let your siblings propose solutions and follow through with putting a plan into action. Maybe they'll want to establish a schedule to share her care, maybe they'll want to bring in a caregiver, or maybe move mom to an AL or SNF. Don't be the strongest voice in the room while the discussion is going on! That will be your inclination, because you've been caring for her and know what's best. But, to them, your reaction to each suggestion will sound like you're asking for help and then shooting it down. Tread lightly with dishing out your opinions on what's best for Mom, or you'll wind up being the one in charge again.

Our adult lives consume ALL of our time. When a parent suddenly needs lots of help, their adult children have trouble carving that time out of their days. If one sibling steps up to the plate in a big way (like you have), that person shouldn't be surprised that the other siblings go on about their lives and don't clamor to jump in and help.

I have a sis who visits Mom maybe once a month (she lives 30 minutes away) and a brother who will maybe call once or twice a month ( he lives 30 minutes away) so I can relate to the loneliness of being a caregiver. At times I feel so isolated and really resentful of my sibs who can go on vacations, go away overnight - just have an adult life. That is not my situation. I can leave the house for maybe 4 to 5 hours before getting a frantic phone call "Where are you!" from my dear Mums even though we had talked numerous times about me leaving for a few hours. I feel so smothered and at times want to run away and never come back. Those are just fantasies of which many on this site have. I would never leave my Mom alone and have accepted this part of my life, however, I do need respite. This is the one thing that I am not going to give up. So what I do is everyother month I send out an e-mail detailing the days that I am going to be gone. It is never for more than 2 nights. Then I leave it in their lap who is going to take care of her. They can come here or bring her to their home but I make it clear that I will not be here. That took me over a year to become assertive enough to demand MY time. It has worked so far.

Same shit different family!!! Try another meeting.. I hope you have better luck than most of us on here (including me)...

No amount of "family meetings" will make an unwilling sibling step up.