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We sold our home and business to move up to live with my husband's elderly, ill parents. His Dad has dementia and is difficult and I feel very stuck. I don't know how long this care will go on for and feel resentful.

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It's pretty common that people go into an in-home, hands-on caregiving arrangement without really being able to foresee what it will actually be like on a daily basis, so you're in good and plenty company on this forum.

Many family members get "assumed" into caregiving. Since we don't know what was promised or expected when you and your husband made this decision, I think it is not too early to diplomatically start to let him know that the arrangement is much different than you envisioned and you're struggling with it. And knowing that it will get more and more restrictive and intense, you want to talk about how to make it less onerous for the both of you, since your marriage takes priority over his parent's care.

If your husband is his parents' PoA, hopefully he has a grasp on their financial resources. One solution is to use these resources to hire aids to come in daily to take up some of the care tasks and companionship. Another is for them to go to adult day care for a few hours every day. You should not be spending any of your own money to pay for any of their care. Also, the financial PoA needs to consult with an elder law/estate planning attorney or Medicaid Planner to make sure money management doesn't cause either parent to be delayed or disqualified for Medicaid, a very important resource that many elders eventually require if they ever need to be transitioned into a facility. Many people fear "running out of money" but this is what they had saved for -- their care in their declining years. Many people run out of money and it's not the end of the world if they planned ahead. Protectiveness of inheritances causes many people to make some very poor decisions, and creates terrible rifts in families.

"I don't know how long this care will go on for..." -- no one ever does and this is part of the problem. Begin a conversation with your husband in a calm and private moment. Come with some realistic solutions to present to him. It may take more than one discussion for there to be agreement on what to do. I wish you much wisdom and peace in your heart as you move forward together.
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ClaudiaPeterson Nov 2021
I feel caught in a web and my husband can't/won't stand up to them.
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You’re one of many who believed you were doing a good deed only to feel overwhelmed and resentful. No one gets how hard it is until they’ve done caregiving. Time for an honest talk with your husband letting him know you can’t and won’t continue and a new plan is needed
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ClaudiaPeterson Nov 2021
Am doing that - thank you. He feels a huge sense of responsibility and we are in line to inherit this broken down house.
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"They also have another son and two daughters in the same town." So how did it come to pass that your family had to be the one to move in to be the 27/7/365 caregivers?
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ClaudiaPeterson Nov 2021
He had always been the black sheep who does everything yet no one sees it or appreciates him.
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This is honestly something now to discuss with your husband. You don't mention how he feels about this care ongoing. Does he participate in care or does most of it fall onto you? What is the agreement in terms of any care contracts? I suggest you both discuss together how you currently feel, what you suppositions were when you took on this burden. It is late, but perhaps not TOO late. You may need care coming into the home to help; you may need more privacy; you may need more time on your own. Whatever the problems are, discuss them, and decide to discuss them at least monthly. You may come to a joint conclusion about how long you will agree to do this, or what the eventual options are for placement, and etc.
I wish you good luck. Little that we here can do, but perhaps much that you and your husband as a team can do.
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Many families (other sibs, parents) are going to see you as paid because of "free room and board."

If you were just paying for a room/houseshare on the open market, you'd be paying $24,000/year at most. Whereas the services you are providing might realistically cost $170,000/year.

This is when you bring in real paid help. Which is unlikely to occur as everyone sees you as just being there for "free" and not the $150,000/year deficit.

You move out but closeby, and you're then in the positions of these sibs and their spouses. What portion of a 168-hour week would they realistically carry? They don't have to answer now, because they see you not as working for free but having this "free" roof over your head.

You can only cut this off by moving out, which will thus put the care decision back in the hands of the biological family, who will then be confronted with what 24/7 care entails.
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rovana Nov 2021
So true!! The sibs are able to dodge their responsibility to their parents because you and your husband are carrying the full load. They walk scot free and do not even need to feel guilty, after all you are taking care of everything for them.
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Often, what looks good on paper turns out to be a nightmare in reality, as you're seeing now. I don't know how old your in-laws are, but dementia can go on and on an ON for many years, as can heart disease/conditions. If you're wondering how long they'll live, only God knows the answer to that question. But my mother is almost 95 with advanced dementia and about 10 other medical conditions and hospice tells me 'she's not ready' for their services yet, meaning they don't see that she's at the end of her life, in spite of her having taken 83 falls. I've always said she'll live to be 100 and is made of super-ball material.

Speak to your DH about feeling resentful of your new living arrangement and see what he has to say about it. It's okay to admit you made a mistake and move out. It's also okay if the other children don't want to take on the burden of in-home care for their folks and a decision is made to have them placed in managed care; their house can be sold to pay those ongoing costs. My parents lived together comfortably in Assisted Living until dad passed, and mom still lives in the same AL but is now in their Memory Care building.

Wishing you the best of luck considering your OWN needs too, not just those of the in-laws. Everyone's life is important, not just the old folks.
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ClaudiaPeterson Nov 2021
Thank you!
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How long ago did this move happen?

Am I correct in assuming that either one or both of you are currently unemployed in order to be full time caregiver(s)?

Did "the family" think it would be "easier" for you/husband to give up your employment because you worked for yourselves?

For heaven's sake, if this is recent, cut and run. The longer you remain unemployed, the more difficult it's going to be to find a full time job with any real means of financial support; then you become dependent on your in-laws for a place to live, and everyone else in the family thinks you're "lucky" to get "free room and board", and it becomes a vicious cycle. There are, literally, dozens of posts here describing that very scenario. Find a few, and show them to your husband. Because your "free room and board" might run out really quickly once your in-laws can no longer live at home - and believe me, that day will come eventually. Then the home will need to be sold for their care, and you/husband will find yourselves in a real pickle of a situation, and still the rest of the family will not understand ("how can they have no money??!!?? They were living all this time for free!!!").

It's not too late to have a change of heart. If your husband isn't on board, were I you I would still look for full time employment, especially now that there's such a shortage of workers out there! Don't fall into this trap that the "only" option in-laws have is you/husband as a caregiver!

Good luck!
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ClaudiaPeterson Nov 2021
Yes, we are unemployed and my husband is working 24/7 on thus run down property. I have been able to make an Airbnb space that we get some money from. I also buy the food and my MIL expects me to cook for anyone who "drops by" - family included who could easily bring a meal. I am sick and tired of being unpaid, unappreciated"help" and am getting very resentful.
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Are you committed to your husband? If so, you need to communicate your feelings to him. Suppressing them will only end badly. If he’s not supportive, then you may want to reevaluate your relationship.
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ClaudiaPeterson Nov 2021
Thank you!
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W/o having read all the previous messages, what were your expectations, and plans?   Were you aware of your FIL's conditions?   What were the terms and understandings of your move there?

I think you and your husband need to have some frank discussions and come to terms with what you're comfortable with and what not, and decide if you're going to continue with the care.    If not, you can be helpful by finding other sources and making arrangements. 

It's not wise for anyone for you to be in a caregiving position which you don't want and with which you're aren't at least comfortable.   You may have to have a heart to heart talk with your MIL, but if that helps all of you reconcile the situation and find solutions, then do it.
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ClaudiaPeterson Nov 2021
Thank you!
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Shared housing will always come down to 1) Two women in the kitchen, and 2) Who's the Captain of the ship?

If those who were in charge are ill, then your housing will not work out no matter how hard you try.

May I suggest you rent a room or small apartment nearby, so you can
1) think about this situation further, 2) have the time(s) off you need while caregiving, 3) decide you cannot put yourself under the control of parents who are ill and controlling because you are a married adult.

With caregiving, your mind may never get a rest from thinking about them, but you need to try for your own sanity. Your husband too!

If you cannot afford to rent a room full-time, consider once a month break and rent overnight at bnb, or airbnb.
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ClaudiaPeterson Nov 2021
Agree! Thank you!
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Yes, I am curious to why you had to sell ur home and business to care for his parents when there were children nearby. From ur profile:

"they have always treated my husband poorly"

This is a common thing on this forum. Seems the abused child is always the one expected to do the care. Actually, its the last person who should be doing the care. Bet you weren't told how bad Dad was.

Sendhelp said: "Shared housing will always come down to 1) Two women in the kitchen, and 2) Who's the Captain of the ship?"

I have been telling my DH this for years. Two adult woman cannot live in the same house especially when one of them owns the house. His Mom was after him for years to move to Fla. I didn't want to go but would have if he chose to. I did tell him if I made the move, we would not live with his Mom. Lots of reasons why not. We never moved.😊

I agree, get a place of your own. If they can afford it, hire an aide to help with the bathing and some light housework. But you will need to set boundries whether you stay or not. Yes its his parents house. But DH is an adult now and needs to at least some respect shown to him and you. You have done them a BIG favor which they should appreciate. I am not beyond a little threat. "If you don't start treating me and wife with a little respect, then we will be leaving. We gave up alot to do for you and you can at least show some appreciation". Since DH has always been treated poorly, he owes them nothing. If it wasn't for u, they would probably need an Assist. Living or LTC.

There are stories on this forum about how the Caregiver/s have been left out of the Will. One because the parents felt they gave the CG a place to live and never charged them rent. So, the siblings got the inheritance. Never considered what the cost of caregiving would have been if they had to hire someone. The Golden child never does any of the caring but gets all the awards. So, make sure your not doing the caring so that the siblings get the inheritance. Even if you share in the inheritance, you won't get more because you did the caring.

As said, if this is not working, then ur DH and his siblings are going to need to find options.
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ClaudiaPeterson Nov 2021
Thank you!
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Thank you so much for your advice. His parents have lots of assets which they have divided among their children - most of which has gone to this brother. We are deeded the farm where we live with them and they have stipulated that they can stay here until they die. They have always been highly controlling, very stubborn and have broken many promises to my husband over the years which makes it extra hard to be the ones to be doing most of the care. They are in poor health with heart disease and dementia. There are 2 other sisters and his brother in the same town. The property is in need of a huge amount of repair and we have exhausted most of our savings. I feel like my life has been highjacked. When you mentioned discussing financial matters it just won't happen as it is "none of our business". I sadly wish I could run away.
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PeggySue2020 Nov 2021
Claudia.

We have a neighbor, friend of SOs actually, who lived with his mother for 15 years. He got ejected from their property once sibs decided it was time for a home. With the little money he had, he bought a little trailer and moved into the woods.

Then the wildfires came.

Now he is a homeless person. And, she's still alive.

You are a businesswoman. And it is a bad business decision to be investing in a property that may or may not be yours after you work for years, decades even, providing services that would cost six figures per year.

You need to protect the assets that you have remaining. If hubby keeps giving that to Mom, then it's time to consider legal separation or divorce so that at least your assets and interest can be protected. It is not your obligation, and it is a bad business deal, to be these people's AL or NH for the years or decades that they may live so they can be "at home."
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Unfortunately they don't communicate. We have been shut out from everything involving money matters - one sister is privy to that. They also put this property into a "Vermont land trust" last year which totally restricts what we can do with the property now that it is going into our names. It costs a huge amount to get out of it. We are treated like invisible and unimportant people in my opinion and I am tired of it.
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Ya know, I don't think the "promise" of an inheritance is worth the aggravation that you are experiencing.
If this is a move that your husband made without input from you or little consideration as to how this will effect you and your marriage it might be time to have a sit-down talk with him.
How long will this go on? How long can you tolerate it? 5 years? 10 years?
The funds that you got when you sold your house, are they still available? If so it might be time to cut your losses and start a search for a home. Of your own.
You can decide it you want to be close or further away. You and your husband get to decide.
If he does not want to make a move then you decide if it is worth continuing or do you separate. (I hate ultimatums but if this was a decision made with little input from you then maybe it is time for one)
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ClaudiaPeterson Nov 2021
Thank you for your thoughts. Unfortunately this all happened fast over a year ago and we have had to live on the funds from the sale of our home in PA. We both also have health issues and are in our late 60's so FT jobs are too much.
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Frankly, Claudia, I think you are being used. If this is an honest deal, then why are you being shut out of information? And ask yourself, as parents age what money they have is generally needed for their care. So, will there even be an inheritance for anyone? As for the will: you can make a will one day, show it to the potential inheritors and then quietly change it the next day. Why not at least live in your own home? Your husband can care for his parents and you can pursue activities that are your choice. I think living with them would swallow up your lives. No need for that.
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Claudia, especially since covid, there are so many remote jobs where you can work from home. - and since you had a business, you must have lots of experience that you can utilize. I think the best means of making this situation manageable for you and your husband is to bring back your independence...bring in added income to have your own space (ie apartment) - even if it's nearby, so your husband can still be involved in the upkeep and renovations of his parents home /farm...and the two of you can still be available to them - but not live with them!

You mentioned that his parents are well to do, so they have the means to hire even part time care-taking - to help make meals, housecleaning, etc.

It just sounds like you're in a situation that something has to change in order to improve...and it just may take changing your surroundings to do it before matters get worse!
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Claudia, it looks like you may have the makings of the aging care top problems trifecta!

1. F.O.G (so thick I have no idea how you can even breathe!)
2. A devil's Bribe: I'll give you a house - but you must give me your life
3. The Promise (no nursing home ever)

A tale I have read many times now: stepping in to help, with good intention, but sliding down fast into quicksand & now stuck.

There is HOPE & you CAN get out!

That resentment you mentioned. It is like a a warning light - flashing *this must change*. Embrace the resentment. Let this give you courage for the honest, hard but necessary conversations that will be needed.

I'm glad you reached out. Is your DH with you in the quicksand? Are you standing together or or you alone so far?
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I read ur responses. Believe me when I say you are not the first people that have gotten involved in a similar situation. We read about things like this all the time on the forum.

In your late 60s with health problems what are u going to do with a farm. Do u know how the trust reads. Are you going to be expected to fork out big bucks to fix it up. Or do the other siblings think it can be sold for big bucks? If you have health problems, I doubt very much that you will be able to care for someone with Dementia. They eventually become incontinent. Need to be bathed and toileted. They are unpredictable. Why does your husband not see that he is being treated like s _ _ t again. I bet ur just waiting for the shoe to drop. You should get everything in writing.
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