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During the holidays, my older sister flies down from LA to Atlanta, I'll pick her up at the airport; and the next morning we will drive down in my car to Florida to spend the holiday with our mother. Back in 2013; that entire year I could not find work. So when December came around that year, my sister came again from LA as usual, but I explained to her that I may need to stay back and not drive down to FL with her just in case I have an in-person interview. She got so upset with me, she ended up renting a car and jetted out my house and left. So a week passed by, and just as I suspected, I had an interview and I got hired with a company in NY. I packed my things and got on the road for a 14 hour drive. It's a year now and I'm settled into my job. One day my sister calls me and says I think I'm going to try and sell moms home in FL. Mind you, it has always been our wish for mom to live closer to me in Atlanta since our later father passed on a few years ago, we didn't want mom to stay in a big house all by herself anymore. My mom also did want to come to Atlanta; it was just overwhelming for her to think that how are we going to pack up a 4 bedroom house. Just a little history with my older sister. She never really finishes anything she starts; and tends to procrastinate a lot and make excuses. So a few weeks passed, my sister called me again and she she sold moms house! I was surprised because again, she never finishes anything. She ends up packing up my moms entire house by herself; mind you my 74 year old mom couldn't really do much because she just had surgery in one hand. I couldn't come down there and help because I had a new job. All I could do was send money. So I deposited $1800 into my moms account to pay for the moving truck. While my sister sold the house, she was supposed to find a home to buy in Atlanta and move mom right into her new home. Unfortunately she couldn't find a home in time, so basically she moved my mother into my house. While all this is happening, I'm still in NY working trying to make ends meet and get caught up on bills and my mortgage. So my sister calls and says, so mom is at your house now, so when are you coming back. I was so livid with her; because she knew my circumstance. Long story short, I have been working in NY for 3 years now. The first year, I came back to Atlanta for Christmas and noticed there were sticks underneath my from door and patio door. Mind you, my mom has been showing signs of dementia and is extremely paranoid. She's been like this for years but the behavior has literally traveled with her from her FL home, into my home. Everything she used to do in her house; I noticed now she had started to do in my home. I didn't think anything of it because I knew my sister was busy looking for homes for my mom; and that she was only going to live at my place temporarily. Second year past, we all meet for Christmas in Atlanta in my home. I asked my sister, "so what's going on with finding mom a house. What's up with that plan"? She says, oh it's still not a buyers market right now. I didn't take this situation seriously as I should have from the beginning because I was so busy trying to sustain my job and stay focused so that I could pay down my bills quicker. So now we are in our 3rd year. Yes, you guessed it right! Mom is still living in my house. My mother would call me frequently in NY and complain about every little thing that bothers her about my home. It has gotten so bad, I had to leave NY and come back home. In just the few months I've been back, I can't find work and my life has been a living hell living with my mom in my house! She hates my neighbors. She feels like there are cameras hidden in my house watching her every move, and she feels the neighbors put the cameras in my house. She keeps my blinds closed all day, there are sticks hinged up the door knobs, and a stick laying behind my sliding door, she has newspapers folded up and tucked underneath the doorways; which is what a weather strip is supposed to do, but apparently that's not good enough. She says, an intruder will get a clothes hanger, and stick it through the cracks of the door and try to open the lock from the inside! Right now, it is so hot in Atlanta, she won't put on the AC because she says there is something poisoness coming through the vents that is making her sick. She won't let me open the windows because she says the neighbors are smoking weed, and it's seeping through the house. How does she even knows what weed smells like; I don't know? I have tested everything she's uncomfortable with, and I'm fine. I don't smell any foul odors outside, I breath perfectly fine if I turn on the AC. If I go out with friends during the day, I have to call her 5 minutes before I reach the house so she can take the stick off the door. I have the keys to my home, but that won't get me inside. My garage is manually locked up. If I'm out late, I have to sleep at my friends house. Needing advice!

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If Moms house sold and she has the money for sister to buy her a home in Atlanta, since sister is not doing it, why don't you do it? Or better yet, pack her up and send her to LA.
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She still has the money from the sale of her house in Florida? If so, can she buy your house from you and you move out? If she doesn't want to do that, then I would tell her it's time to find her own place and start taking her around to look at different houses. Or ... take her on a drive and drop her off in LA at your sister's house and tell her it's her turn.
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sondraO ... great minds think alike. We were both typing at the same time.
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the state may need to be involved if your mother is a vulnerable person and sounds like she might be.
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I don't think your mother will be able to live alone, so maybe you can look for a nice nursing home where she would be safe, and take the money from her house to help with the payments.
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Royneberg It's easy to solve other's problems but sometimes we can't solve our own. I imagine MelinC has thought of these 2 solutions but there is some reason why they won't work. But your suggestion to move out and let mom have her house was a much better solution than mine.
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No, there is no way out of your predicament without GA agencies assistance. Your mother is suffering from dementia. She is no longer able to live alone. Some sort of assisted living arrangement is necessary for her. GA has an excellent Crisis Line. They will refer you to the help agencies you need. The telephone number is available via 411 directory assistance.
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Frist thing that should be done is have your Mom evaluated by a Dr. to determine if her behavior is dementia and/or if she should be on medication. Her behavior is not normal nor would it be safe for her to live alone. Once you have a diagnosis you can decide on what the next steps should be regarding her living arraingments, health care proxy and power of attorney.
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Are you sure your sister did not spend the money from your Mom's house on her own bills? Maybe that is why she has excuses for not buying your mom a house.
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It's sad 2TiedHands, I thought the same thing.
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Your Mom needs to be diagnosed and your sister needs to anti up the money from the sale of your Moms home. Something doesn't sound right!
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More than 20 years ago, I suddenly became completely in charge of my mother who had Alzheimer's. Every decision I made about selling her house and finding a safe place for her to live was based on giving a high priority to keeping my job so I could retire when I was eligible for Social Security and take care of my own health. I am now 86 and satisfied that I placed my mother in a safe environment and provided for my future. I live in an independent living facility that I alone chose. I did not involve my children in any of my decisions.
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Your mom is obviously in need of medical diagnosis first. Then you must determine her needs now and in the future. Once that is done, you can decide an appropriate place for her. If she was already having these issues for years in FL, why would it change when you moved her to Georgia? Usually a move will actually worsen the condition if it is demensia.
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Who has POA? I am assuming it is your sister since she was able to sell the house? Who is managing mom's money? Have mom evaluated; if she has dementia use the money for the sale of her home to put her in assisted living. Also POA can be changed at any time.
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Wow, what a mess!! Agree your Mom should be evaluated by a doctor. Possibly, some med might help. The more I read, the more I was thinking your Mom is not safe to live alone. God forbid something happened. Nobody could get in the house! If she has the funds, I would look into an assisted living facility. If there are any in your area, or near your sister, check them out. So sorry you had to give up that job! As hard as these decisions are, this is not working. Good luck!
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Find a nice AL. Here u need two years prepay and then can file for Medicaid so she can stay at the AL. Your Mom is only going to get worse. Move her closer to u or ur sister? This way she will be safe.
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Hi SondraO,
My mother has some of the money from her house sold. My sister took some of the money, which is preventing my mom from getting a descent home. Now that I am back in Atlanta, you better believe it; I'm looking for homes for my mom as we speak and I will just have to work with the money she has left.
I have also tried to convince her to move to LA, but she is scared of the airplane. You could tell her their are pills to take for the vertigo feeling, she will not do it! I even offered to drive her, but she says no.
Truly appreciate your inquiry. I am on it for sure and will get this done!
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Hi Royneberg,
Yes she still has the money from the sale of her home, but very little of it. Yes, I even tried to ask her to buy me out; and she looked at me like I was crazy. I mean, she hates my neighbors but she keeps procrastinating about leaving my home. It's unfortunate because this home is my prize possession. It's my first home; I didn't have anyone help me. I bought this house on my own as it's of sentimental value and neither of them supported me in that process! So if I offered for my mom to buy me out, you can only imagine how bad this is for me. I can't stop crying and emotionally stressed out. Right now, I'm making appointments with realtors and will get this done. I may cry, but I can't let that stop me and have to get serious about the situation.
I also did offer to drive her to LA, but she says no. She doesn't want to take the airplane because of the vertigo feeling. She doesn't do cars, and neither does she do planes. Truly appreciate your advice.
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Hi okhoneybee,
Yup you guessed it right. My sister took a lot of the money! As for my mother being diagnosed, if I mention to her going to see a neurologist, she would raise h*ll! The best person to do this is my sister. They have always had a special bond, and they treat me like the black sheep of the family because they say I'm distant from the family. She drives me nuts when they tell me this because they know I have to work! But they don't complain when bills are paid. They don't complain when I take care some of their bills. Bottom line, I'm the stable one and they have been using me for a long time. Last year around June, my sister did make the effort and got my mom to see a therapist. They had 2 therapy sessions, and on the 2nd visit, the therapist advised my sister that my mother needs to go see a neurologist. As they were heading back to my home, my mom told my sister to never bring her back there again; and that somehow my neighbors put her up to this. Regardless what my mother told her, she still should have done exactly what the therapist told her to do. While all this is going on, I'm in NY working.
You're right when you say, "something doesn't sound right!" I know what it is. My sister took a lot of the money; and she's stalling constantly telling me "It's not a buyers market" to keep my mother in my home while I live miserably with her.
It's okay. My sister has been manipulating me my entire adult life, and it stops now and I will find my mother a home if it's the last thing I do.
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Hi Grammyteacher,
Yes, she does need medical diagnosis. You can read my previous answer to okhoneybee.
What she needs now is just someone to keep her company, and someone to take her to any doctor visits she has. Right now, I'm the one doing this. I know that she needs to live with someone, but my mother is very stubborn and very set in her ways. She is 74 years old, and is acting like she's 50. She feels the way she is acting is normal, and that she's not sick and that she is fully capable of living by herself. And please, don't even mention the words "assisted living". I can remember as far back to when we were kids. She told us then and will forever continue to tell us..."don't you ever put your mother in a home".

We thought she would change moving from FL to GA because she would be in a different environment; but it didn't and only got worse! She literally has my house locked up like fort knocks; just like her previous house in FL! All of my moms sisters used to tell us that our mom needs to see a therapist, but my sister was so upset with them and offended, she ignored them. I did not know the condition worsens if the person is moved to a different area. :-( I'm just so tired, all I can do is pray and be proactive in finding my mom a home.
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Hi DoreenC,
I am not sure if my sister has POA; as I am afraid to ask my mother right now. I have to ask when she's in a good mood and that's almost never. Literally today, I was comfortable enough to ask her finally what is her budget (a.k.a. how much she has left from what my sister took) without getting yelled at! Mind you, they don't tell me anything. I don't know any of my mother's financial affairs, but yet she's living with me!!!!
My guess is that no one is POA right now because while I was researching to become POA over my mom, I found out it is pretty costly. Knowing my sister who does not have a job, she is probably not POA. But I do need to find out for sure; because my mom could have funded it for her.
As for having mom evaluated and considering "assisted living", look at my message to Grammyteacher. Thanks so much for your advice and truly appreciate it.
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Arianne777,
Thank you for sharing your story as it is truly encouraging, but I wish my mother were as easy as you. She is extremely stubborn, and at the age of 74; she still feels like she's 50 years old and can go about as she pleases. Don't get me wrong, my mom is a tuff cookie and can get around (cooking, cleaning, gardening)...all the things she used to do when younger in her 50s, but her brain is going a different direction and we as her kids didn't get the memo! it's tough. She is not allowing myself to live and I think it's very selfish. She had her life. She was married, had children, traveled, owned a few homes. I told her this the other day; and that she needs to allow me to live. Plus she butts in all the time. I told her that she is robbing me of my womanhood. I'm 35 years old and I now have a boyfriend whom I've been dating for a few months now and he has been so supportive with me and my situation. We are talking marriage, and I hope everything will go well. My boyfriend asked my mom one day, "what are you going to do when your daughter has a family of her own. She is going to have to tend to her family for the majority of the time". She didn't say anything. I am just praying things get better.
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Hi Margot49,
Yes is it truly a mess and I don't have anymore tears to shed seriously! As for my mom being evaluated, and with my mom not living alone, and how she feels about assisted living, you can see my previous posts to Okhoneybee and Grammyteacher.
I feel like a prisoner in my own home; it literally looks like a dungeon! My beautiful house is just isn't the same anymore. While I was gone, she made it her own and re-decorated and re-positioned everything. It's like I've been kicked out my own home. I found my bedroom mattress and some of my other belongings in the garage. I'm just so hurt I'm numb.
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Hi 2TiedHands,
Yes, she did spend some of the money on her own bills because she told me this last year; verbatim "sshhh don't tell mom but I spent most of the money". I remember that conversation like it was yesterday, I just wished I would have documented it somehow. They will never admit to it, but I believe my sister spent so much of it, they are stalling by making excuses that "it's not a buyers market"! They've been seriously using me.
I asked her for a current bank statement of the account where the money from the sale of my mothers house was put into, and she literally cussed me out then hung up the phone on me. She said I had the audacity to ask such a thing. I told her, well you don't have a right to know either, yet your hands are all in her money. She then called me back saying, you know what it's okay. You don't have to pay mom back; we will be fine and she will be out of your house before the end of this year!
When she said that to me, a thousand red flags popped in my head. My sister is a grade A certified manipulator and I see right through her. This conversation happened 3 weeks ago and I told myself that I'm going to have to take over now before it gets even worse.
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Hi AlwaysSunny,
Yes I agree to have my mom evaluated. I go into detail about this in response to Okayhoneybee. You can see my post to her.
I definitely agree her behavior is not normal, but she is stubborn and won't get herself checked out.
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Melin, It is not costly to prepare a POA. The form can be downloaded for free, and having it notarized is probably less than $10. So, if your sister doesn't have your mom's POA, it's not because it's too expensive.
You seem terribly concerned about upsetting this woman who has been imposing on you for years, living in your house without compensating you, expecting you to heed her crazy demands to get in your own home, etc. If she will not agree to accept medical help, tell her you are at the end of your rope, and she will have to move out. Get an attorney if she won't leave. It will be a bargain in the long run. And don't pay her bills from your money.
Another alternative is to contact Adult Protective Services in Atlanta. They should come out and do an assessment. Tell them you can't keep her in your house any longer because you are probably going to sell it, and she won't leave. Maybe they can reason with her.
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MelinC, your headline is about how do you remove your mother from your home without getting the state involved.

Well, since you brought the subject up, what's your problem with getting the state, or in any case authorities of some kind, involved?

You have reason to believe that your sister has stolen a substantial amount of money from your mother. That's a serious crime. What are you doing about it? What if the theft comes to light, and at the same time it comes to light that you knew about it and did and said nothing? Are you going to say in your defence oh well my sister got really annoyed when I asked her? I do not think that would get you off the hook.

Next, you say your mother is stubborn and won't get herself checked out. It sounds very much as though your mother is not so much stubborn as mentally ill. She bars the doors and stuffs the cracks for fear that someone or something is coming to get her. What if she falls while you're out, and neither you nor the emergency services can get into the house? What if there's a fire, and she can't get the door unbarricaded in time? Again, you can force an evaluation; but yes you would need back up from the state to do it.

So for just those two very important reasons, it seems to me that getting the state involved is actually what you should do. And besides, the plan to buy your mother her own house is a pipe dream. She obviously can't safely live alone; and what makes you think she'd feel any happier or more secure in her own place when she's scared stiff and paranoid in yours, with you there to help her? I think it's high time you called for help.
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Your mother sounds mentally ill, paranoid. You need to get her to a doctor, explain the situation, call the office for the aging, and stop dickering around between her and your sister. My goodness! I wouldn't put up with all this for years!
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I would ask your mom if she wanted to go out for breakfast and once she's in the car, just head to LA. But I'm evil like that.
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Melin; In your shoes, I would go see a lawyer about eviction proceedings. The sooner you start them, the sooner you're done.

You are being taken advantage of by both your mother and your sister, both of whom sound like they have mental illness/personality disorders or the like. In addition, your mom may be dealing with the beginnings of dementia.

"Mom, I'm going to need you to be out of the house by July 1 (pick any date you please). Please tell me what you need me to do to help; oh, and just to be sure that you'll be out, I've started eviction proceedings; you need to know that i'm serious about getting my life back."
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