My dad has dementia and has to go to assisted living and Mom has been bed ridden for two years with CPOD. Dad cannot take care of her full time now. I live 1100 miles away. My uncle is unable to take care of himself and lives 600 miles away. He causes issues each time he speaks with my Dad. Any advice on how to handle this?
I must tell you if you are thinking that ALF will work for any amount of time with any severity of dementia you may be looking at nursing home for your Dad as well.
You will find that there is a lot of magical thinking where dementia is concerned, for the person suffering it and for many relatives surrounding them. You are doing the best you can. Carry on. You aren't responsible for this illness, didn't create it, can't fix it, aren't skilling in dealing with it. Your folks now require shifts of care with multiple skilled workers.
Heart out to you.
Best advice I can give and have taken is to ignore all the comments, jabs and criticism. You are doing what is best for the wellbeing of your parents. If needed tell uncle to butt out.
If issues escalate to the point where you have had enough, ban any contact between your parents and uncle. Blame the facility if you need to. Don't allow an outsider to rule your decisions or create a hostile relationship between you and parents.
After that don’t even tell your uncle anything anymore about the plans , especially don’t tell him the timeline .
You are not obligated to tell your uncle any details .
If he continues, block your uncle’s phone number from the phone your Dad uses.
And tell your uncle that unless he is going to pick up your parents and take care of them at his house, he needs to shut his yapper.
The best thing I could have done was to stop having anything to do with Rude Aunt. That's what I advise you to do about these relatives. Stop communicating with them AT ALL. You have enough on your plate without ill-advised nincompoops chiming in.
After Dad's funeral, I never spoke to Rude Aunt again. She cut me out of her will. And that was fine with me because she wasn't worth the misery she was dishing out, on purpose, to make things harder for me. She'd always been vengeful, but this was the last straw.
What would be the last straw for you with your situation? Or have you already reached it?
I think quite a few of us on this forum have gotten criticism from relatives about placement or the care decisions we made out of necessity for our loved ones.
I had one sister who kept calling and making false reports to the Adult Protectve Services. I had an alcoholic mother who was doing a good bit of lying herself. She kept stirring up uneccessary drama until she became terminally ill herself with unoperable pancreatic cancer.
I was left with a disabled sister to care for, and I went through he!! getting her placed in a group home. No one in the family helped me with this other than too spread information that was untrue. Dad was forced to show up those last few weeks because I moved out of the home. I showed up for the final meeting with the officials responsible for placement. Dad had the pleasure of dressing my sister and bringing her to the meeting. Later that week, someone picked up my sister to take her to the group home. The home health aide and her daughter cried when it was time for sister to leave. Dad and his new family moved into the family home. I didn't speak or see them until about six years later.
Dad was there to see my sister off. I know he had to feel some type of way after all of us moved on. I had a good therapist, a very understanding and supportive supervisor, classmates from the university who later became friends, very dear close childhood friends, and my Al-Anon members who didn't mind early morning calls back then. Many of my friends have passed on, but I had a strong support network that kept me going through that ordeal. Also, I had a strong support system through church. It was a lot of wear and tear on my nerves with the constant worry of caretaking and maintaining bills.
Dealing with family like the one I have was very painful. My mother, sister, and I were the throwaway people no one wanted to be bothered with.
Quite often, relatives are best not seen OR heard.
I’ve seen this before in families . The idea from the elders is mutiny and to not let anyone be placed .
There is no perfect solution.
Sure 100 years ago when no one left the area where they were born and women did not have "real" jobs. And families were all together so help was available . And the life expectancy was not what it is now. So 100 years ago it was common for the younger generation to care for the older.
But this is not 100 years ago.
Caring for someone means that you make sure they are safe.
If that means placing them in a facility that can manage the care needs then that is what you do.
It is never an easy decision. But it is one made with lots of though, anguish and often guilt from "well meaning" relatives. You do what you need to do and forget the relatives.
You don't need to give this uncle any detailed information. Just find suitable care facilities for your parents. I'm sorry you are going through this. It's a lot. Especially from a distance.
You might consider moving mom and dad to care homes close to you, for your own convenience as their care needs progress, and you will need to be involved in making decisions for them. It would be best if you could find a care community which offers memory care/assisted living as well as skilled nursing. They will be closer together and it will make an easier transition when your dad needs more help.
Stop explaining your actions to anyone in the family. Really, you don't need to justify these decisions. If anyone insists, all you have to say is "I'm not discussing this any further." End the conversation then and there.
The more you try to explain, the deeper entrenched you become.