Follow
Share
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
Thank you everyone for your kindness. The wisdom/grace in your responses allowed me rest from the weariness of overthinking what I should/could have done better. Being down the road from that heartbreaking time, I understand the actions I took were intended with kindness. But, there were days I was simply "bone tired", not an ounce of physical strength left. There were just simply things I could not fix...as dementia progresses, life becomes horrid for all involved. Those times brought me to my knees. And even though I might not have uttered the negativity I was thinking, I did think it. I pray for forgiveness, I pray for all who are caregiving.
Again, thank you for understanding.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I think we all have some guilt. Oh boy could I be made to feel guilty when I was young. Not so much now I am 70. Caring for Mom I sort of hardened to the situation. There were things I could have done differently but I was the only one who was willing or could do it. It was me or nobody. TG Mom probably didn't realize when I got impatient or forgot.
Guilt, yes, do I dwell on it, no. Caring for a LO is like raising children, there was no previous training. We learn as we go. What I learned is I don't have the patience needed and I overwhelm easily.

So it comes down to I refuse to feel guilty. I did my best.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Kathryn54, I don't know your situation, but, it sounds like you are very conscientious about caregiving. Your profile says your mother. I think that most caregivers do the best they can. I'm not sure why you would feel guilty, but, apparently, you may have expectations that are very high. For me, I try to look at what is reasonable. And, I really try to be fair about my intent, desire, input, and work. When I do all I can and use my best judgment, then, I think that's what is right. I have faith that it's good enough. If I made a decision that I later second guess, I consider how much I did it in good faith and I don't blame myself for it. I hold myself to a high standard, but, not an unrealistic standard. I've done a lot that's right and that gives me peace. I hope you can find a way to feel better.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Probably not, at least in my experience. No one can know everything there is to know about caregiving, and a lot is learned over time. If someone holds him or herself to high standards, there easily can be recrimination about not doing more even though we didn't realize at the time it was possible.

It's made more difficult b/c we're dealing with our family or friends' lives, not something that can be redone.

I doubt that I will ever feel I did as much as I could, in part b/c now I know so much more about caregiving. But it's also critical to remember that each of us is just one person and can only do so much, and that the societal and system supports financially and otherwise aren't as available as they should be. That's a major deficit of care in the US.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Guilt belongs to those who knowingly do evil to others. If you did not do that you may want to investigate words you used and semantics. You may need to explore what you really feel, because you do not feel guilty. And words matter. They form a path in our brains that we habitually travel on though they go nowhere and do not allow us to progress. Consider getting some help and guidance from someone who gives counseling on life changes; licensed social workers are often very good at this.
Some words to explore. "Normal human inadequacies", "grief over limitations". "Pain at what my elder had to endure". "Helplessness in the face of human limitations". "Heartbreak at what we all had to endure".
Life changes are worth mourning. "Guilt" holds us back from progressing lovingly through the mourning process.
You are way ahead of the game. You already recognize that you did the best you can at the time with the tools you had.
You have posted this under the correct headings. Care decisions. They must be made. End of life. It will come. Grief. You are mourning. I don't even know what the word "guilt" has to do with forum choices myself. Guilt belongs on a forum for felons.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter