How do I reconcile myself with a wish that my mom will die?

Dear Pattijean,

I feel the very same way about my mother and also my husband. It is so hard to watch my mom just live for basically nothing.. She just lies in bed in her clothes all day and doesn't want to do anything--though there is plenty for her to do. Loads!

And my husband just gets bad news on top of bad news. Things go worse and worse for him without "ending it all." He is sort of caught in a situation where he feels like he has the Hong Kong flu and with constant jabbing with needles..and this is "forever," as it now stands. I feel so bad for him.

My solace is that I am not in charge. I do not call the shots. I have turned it all over to God and I am sure that God wants me to buck up and does the best I can for each of them. So, that is what I am doing.

Good luck!

Do not despise yourself. To do so would condemn all of us who have gone before you in feeling the same way about our loved ones. I also carried the burden of telling the doctor to activate the living wills of my mother and each of my three husbands who were on hospice care. Talk this over with the clergy pf your faith.

Pattijean: so sorry you are going through this emotional pain. I understand how you feel because our family went through the same. My mother was active and in independent living up until she was 99. She stubbornly fought old age, proud and dignified, yet she was depressed and unhappy and also had progressive dementia. She swore she would kill herself if she had to go to a nursing home. She hated people helping her. Our whole family, as much as we loved her, knowing she had lived a long healthy life, prayed she would go quietly in her sleep so she would not have to suffer the indignity of being helpless and even more unhappy. Unfortunately, like your mother, she was strong enough to endure and the next year we had to move her to assisted living which she hated and less than a year later, she ended up in a nursing home because she could no longer walk. She lived five months there, slowly deteriorating and ended up falling, breaking bones, bedridden and in diapers. It was horrible to watch and I cried every day I left the NH, praying she would go quickly. There was little grief when she passed only relief that her terrible ordeal had ended and she no longer suffered.
Don't feel guilty that you wish a swift and dignified end to your mom's long life. Be there for her, hold her hand so she knows you are there and love her. When her suffering ends after a while, the memories of the recent past will be overridden by the memories of when times were good and happy with your mom.

Dear Pattyjean, I'm so sorry, I know this is very difficult time. You are an amazing and caring daughter. And its only natural not to want your mother to suffer. And natural as you hold her hand not to want to let her go. I wish I had the chance to hold my dad's hand, but he passed after I left for work. Cherish this time. Thinking of you.

Pattijean...I'm so sorry you are going through such a hard time with your dear Mother.It's so hard to watch our Mother's decline and decline.I know when my Mother was dying,that I was very scared and I felt so helpless and alone.My best friend was dying before my eyes....and then one day God took her in His Perfect Timing.

Bringing this back up to the top....

Pattijean,

"I know she has to but when I hold her hand, I don't want her to go. Please help, I love her so much and this pain has been going on for over a year. What do I do?"

The words you have written have been said before on this forum. There are many in similar circumstances, and some who have been there. It would be heartwrenching to go through that with your Mom, whom you love.

There are two people who are my friends, maybe they will show up soon, and you will not be so alone in your struggle.

I feel somewhat the same some days when I visit the snf where my husband now resides. It hurts to see him feeling miserable because he now realizes he won't come home. I see others in the dining area grieving because their child isn't visiting today. It hurts to see people give up. I remind myself that I (and most families) are doing all we can to slog through a less than joyful experience.
Most residents are doing the best possible given the depressing and lonely environment. As my spouse says, "you're my only link to reality".

There is nothing wrong with you feeling as you do. I think about quality of life and ask myself is this what I would want for anyone, including myself someday? I think we would be mentally lopsided to not ask ourselves if it's better to be alive or deceased. When my spouse was admitted to the snf I had a good conversation with a manager about this issue. She too said it was natural to feel both ways, and none of the nursing home staff want to end up this way. She then said she would not be happy. She cautioned me both my spouse and I would someday ask "Why do I feel this way?" So you are not alone in feeling as you do. If your mom gave you any instructions as to when to let her go (as my mom did) there can be a certain comfort in knowing that you are following her wishes. Put yourself in her position and ask if that's what you want for yourself. Most of us say we want to kept comfortable, not be deserted, and not be in pain. If you are doing your best to achieve these outcomes then you're doing your job. You're being all you can be to your mom. I talk to my friends and others about this very issue from time to time. You might be surprised at how many feel as you do - both older and younger people. Keep us posted on how you're doing.

I was very close to my father my whole life. He struggled with major health problems and died young (late 60's). I spent several years worrying about him and visiting him during various hospital and NH stays. I spent most days of the last year of his life driving 30 minutes each way to sit by his hospital bed. I watched him fight and I watched him slowly lose the will to fight.

When he passed, I was sad but at the same time relieved.. and then felt guilty for my relief.

Mom lives with me at age 84 with some pretty good health problems but nothing terminal. She was always a mostly evil person with glimmers of good. Now she is mostly a shell of a person with some ugly and some nice coming through.

I don't know why she is still here. She doesn't know what is going on half the time. She doesn't want to leave the house. Has no interest or hobbies (except napping - boy does she love napping), she has lost her taste for food, can barely hold a conversation and when she does, no one wants to talk to her because she is mean.

I tiptoe into her room every morning to check and see if she is breathing. I'll be honest: most days I am rooting for "not"

What is hard is that we remember our parent(s) back when they were younger, active, working around the house, having a career, raising children, enjoying life. Now it all seem to have stopped.

At 102 your Mom had beaten the odds by many many years, and all the wonderful things she had witnessed throughout her life that were invented. That's a full life and then some.

Your Mom is on her own time table, just be there for her without it consuming your life. She is getting good care at the nursing home because you know she needed a higher level of care.

I felt the same with my Mom who was 98 when she passed, and had been living in long-term-care. Only months earlier she and my Dad were outside raking leaves and putting the leaves in recycling bags. Only a few years earlier, she and Dad were walking 2 miles a day. Mom was pretty sharp for her age until she had a very serious fall. But to see her just lying in bed, unable to hear, barely see, not be able to walk or even stand was heart breaking. Her mind was so very confused.

This was equally as heartbreaking for my Dad to see the love of his life in that condition. Dad's caregiver would bring him to visit Mom during lunch hour, that way the caregiver could help feed Mom. Dad would only stay a half hour, he wanted to go home. He also was resentful as he wanted to move to a nice senior living facility but Mom refused. He felt they could have enjoyed a couple more years together had they moved. Dad joined Mom a couple of months ago.