Follow
Share

My mom is 102 years old. Her wish was that she would never end up in a nursing home and would never be incontinent, experience dementia and be so helpless. I love her so much but I want her to find peace. I am guilt-ridden and despise myself for wanting her to pass. I know she has to but when I hold her hand, I don't want her to go. Please help, I love her so much and this pain has been going on for over a year. What do I do?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
........the right guidance.
I am presently going through the steps to get his name on the list
at an aged home that has a good reputation. I rang them and they said I shoud get a centrelink(australian government)asset assesment done. It will take the government 5weeks to deal with it. So it is a step by step,unknown process for me, and I just keep on trying to advance a step at a time with it.
Happy New Year vstefans
Hope 2017 is a wondeful year for you.

you
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

vstefans
😀♥️
Thank you for your kind understanding reply to my post.
Dad shows very little interest in his great grandchildren, and is critical of people in general and pretty self absorbed.
I have worried about what will happen when his mind becomes
more confused and he can no longer live by himself.
Your insight and advice about needing to have a plan in place
and somewhere set up for him
to go is
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Cheryl, it does not even have to be about what he deserves and what you deserve. You do not have the kind of relationship that would make caregiving successful and you may love him and feel a sense of duty towards him, but you do not even really LIKE him or what he chose to do with his life, and you do not want to become his caregiver based on well-founded fears that he would make your life miserable. Your taking a stand should mean he will have to accept other help, and under the circumstances, you have grandkids who need you and you mutually enjoy one another, and he would probably detract from that relationship. You should not have to provide all the care yourself, but if he becomes unable to arrange for it himself, you might be obligated to help him get it. You can always consult an eldercare attorney to make sure you are not going to have problems with any "filial responsibility" or similar laws where you live, and hopefully his finances would cover the care he needs and will need in any event.

And - one more thought - since this means HE has GREAT grandkids - do they brighten his life at all, does he care about them? (Wow - He was just 18 when you were born!)
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I also have confused feelings as to where my responsibility in caring for
my 86year old father should start and end. He would like to live with me
but I know I couldnt live with him because he would try to take over my whole life
and control me as that is the way he has always been.
I am 2years off 70years of age myself, and I. I just want some peace and joy in the last years of my life.
The thing is, he never had to look after his mother and father in their old age
as they died in their early seventies when he was in his 40's He had all his time
free to do what he wanted up to age 86years with his extra marital affairs and girlfriends, but now selfishly he has no qualms wanting to move in with me
so I can look after him in his old age. He never thinks that he never sacrificed
his days and life to do that for his parents.

Frankly I feel my life and days are equal in value to the number of days he has
enjoyed, unencumbered, in his life. I still pick up my grandchildren and stay with
them for 3hours an afternoon, 4days a week and have spent my life caring
for my family and their families. I dont think I owe Dad the time.
Because he has never had to sacrifice his life as a full time carer to anyone.
I will do all I can do on a visiting shopping schedule and Drs appointments etc.
but Im dammed if I will sacrifice 5 or 10years of my 70's being his constant carer and around the clock carer. We all have limited time left to live in our later years
but he doesn't care about me or ruining my life as long as he gets someone to make his slave, so that he doesn't have to deal with carers or make decisions about moving into assisted living. I will be taking responsibility for my old age
care arrangements right to the end, this is my responsibility not the responsibility
of my children. Old people who burden their children are just being childish and selfish.
Dad has refused the help of carers, refused to have a monitored medi alert
bracelet or cooperate in putting his name down to review assisted living residences. Says Im perfectly able to care for myself, but trys to move in with me to care for him in his old age.

This selfish duplicity makes me angry. My brother meanwhile, because he lives
in another city thinks he can just let me sacrifice years of my life while he
doesnt.
I have said, they can put me in prison but I will not live with him or have him live with me.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I told my mom a few days ago that I would be praying for her to have Peace. I don't know what that means exactly, but I know she is anxious and in a place she doesn't want to be, physically and emotionally. She is young (69) but feels so old. I think your wish for your mother to have Peace is the best wish/thought/prayer. When we love someone, that is what we really want for them.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

Pattijean, I think there are some great answers here already. I just want to say that I think your feelings are very normal. Who wouldn't want to see an end to a loved one's suffering and struggle? If you believe, as I do, that death is not the end but the transition into everlasting peace and happiness, then what could possibly be wrong with wishing your loved one would pass gently into that eternal bliss? I think it is our feeling that we are letting our loved one down or that it might seem that we no longer "want" them that causes our pain and guilt. This is not the truth. We just love them enough to let them go. God bless you...
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

I think it is natural and even OK to feel that wish for peace and an end to suffering, worries and so much work - and then, do not be surprised to find you grieve and miss the person just as much when caregiving comes to an end.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I feel so much for everyone here. I am in the same place. I wish I could actually meet someone in my life who had the same issues. No one in my family or my husband's family or even extended family and friends is going through what all of us are going through. It takes great strength, faith, anger, love each day to carry me through. My mom is the only one in the nursing home she is in who has a mind! Her body is gone, can't walk or take care of her own basic needs but her mind is sharp. She may last 10 more years like this. I go 5 days a week, my life at 53. Hugs to all!
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Don't feel guilty. No it isn't pleasant but I was that way with my mom & she was only 65 & dying from Vascular Dementia. I didn't want her to "die" but more than that I did want her to be out of pain. Her body was like turning to cement & she had constant UTI's & BAD constipation then her mind was telling her that she has just eatten when really she was starving herself to death right infront of us. Nothing we could do for her. She was always in wet dipers & had to drink the thickened water which I tasted & it was HORRIBLE!!! She HATED it & would beg for reg water but she would choke & maybe die if we gave it to her. Within a little over a year of being diagnoised with Vascular Dementia after a brain tumor was removed she passed away. Now I live next door to my Dad and he now has mild demetia. Im an only child & disabled with my legs. I can't physically take care of him when he gets that bad.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

My Mom is 88. She has not been "Mom" for at least 2yrs. Out of 3 surviving children all the responsibility is on me. I'm tired of dealing and worrying. This is my retirement so far. Mom is no longer the person I grew up with. She can no longer hold a conversation. And when she does talk she just rambles. She can no longer do anything she used to. She just sits all day waiting for the next meal. If she passed tomorrow I would have no guilt. She would not like where she is. I did what I could. The only thing I may feel guilty about is my lack of patience. But that Is a problem I have all the time not just Mom. Hoping my brothers have a little guilt since Mom doesn't seem important to them. The good thing is they allow me to make decisions and don't say anything.
Helpful Answer (15)
Report

Your wish for her to be released from her pain/debilitation is very common when we experience our parents deterioration. You sound very kind and loving. You are doing everything you can to optimize the quality of her remaining days. Is she a DNR? Do you have medical power of attorney. When she leaves this crippling world she will be free and in peace. My believe is live and energy never die. We only borrow our bodies and own a soul. I personally believe we will all be reunited when it's our time. You have no control on her aging and decline. You definitely have control and give much love to her. Keep the faith. Best wishes. ☘️☘️💕💕
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

My dad robbed and beat lay in the hospital 17 days in a coma. the doctors agreed that he could not live with out life support his mind had straight lined. I bit my tongue and told them to pull the plug . WE kept my mother for several years with no sibling help . Mama's youngest sister and oldest nephew convinced me that a nursing home was the answer to saving my own family. I left her at the nursing home with tears in my eyes . One of the most difficult decisions that I had ever made that effected me this way. I was able to visit her 4 or 5 times a week not counting the stomach pumping that I was called to witness . I had never let our animals suffer from incurable illnesses or injurie's as much as I cared for them . I stepper into the hallway and with great reluctance and fighting guilt I asked Our God to take her and they called me the next day and said that God had taken her Home . My 90 year old wife of 69 years is in my 24/7home Hospice care now. Ask God to take your love one home they have suffered long enough.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

My husband and I went to the hospital to visit the mother of a close friend. She seemed to be unconscious and we knew she hadn't long to live. We barely knew her but we cared about her even so. After a few confused comments to each other we decided to leave. I don't recall what, if anything, we said directly to her.
I glanced over my shoulder as we started back down the hall, and saw her suddenly thrashing about as if struggling to beckon us not to go, but I am ashamed to say, I did not tell my husband. I knew he must have been having painful memories of his own mother's demise, but I still wish we had gone back to her. This is a little off-topic, but it shows that anyone can have mixed feelings in such circumstances.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Salisbury --
You've captured the essence of the answer to the question.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

my feelings were exactly the same when my mother was in stage 7 dementia!!! it was heartbreaking...so hard for me to see her like that!!! i wanted her to die...but even the thought in my head hurt my heart!!!! omg....last stages soooo hard. when my mother died i was sitting next to her...holding her arm. it was such an out of body experience!!! i was tremendously sad and elated at the same time!! but as soon as she took her last breathe....i was sooooooooooo grateful that it was over for her and myself!!! god i love my mother...she was the best thing in my life! losing a loved one is NEVER easy! good luck...you will be fine...so will your wonderful mom!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I told my Husband that I did not want him to die.
I also told my Husband that it was selfish of me to not want him to die.
I told him that I love him, that I will miss him but that I will be alright and that it was alright for him to go. I asked him to say HI to my parents. I told him that the Cubbies needed him in Heaven to help win the World Series.
All I can say is he must have made it cuz they won and we all know that it took a Miracle for that to happen.

Your Mom has lived a wonderful, full life. Rejoice in that.
You will carry the best of your Mom with you for the rest of your life and know that with each life you touch that life will have been effected by your Mom. So in some respects we all live on in our memories that come out as family stories, in kindness. She will be with you, some day you will turn a corner and catch a glimpse of something and it will jog a memory, smell an aroma from a bakery and it will remind you of her. These things are not coincidence, they are our loved ones letting us know they are near.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Pattijean - as you can see from the myriad of comments and Carol's expert input, you have a lot of company in your conflicting feelings about your mother's eventual passing. All of us with parents in advanced age and/or dementia/Alzheimers are just doing the best we can under most imperfect circumstances. This site is a great source of solace and support, so as the step programs' mantra goes, "keep coming back." Sending lots of hugs for comfort and strength - you are a very loving person and your mother is so very fortunate to have you looking out for her as she nears the end of her life.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Wanting the best for the people you love is what love is about. You are not wrong in wanting your mother's suffering to end. It WILL end -- we all die. And there is no contradiction in both wishing for the mercy of death to end incurable suffering and grieving for the loss of the mother you love. You are doing the best you can for her within what is in your power to change and that is all anyone can do for another. On some level your mother knows she is not alone on this journey. For your own sake i hope you can make peace with your conflicted feelings and be good to yourself, and for your mother's sake i hope her suffering ends soon. At some point we all come to the end of what we can physically do for a loved one who is suffering but we never come to the end of loving them. Wishing your mother a gentle passage and you the peace that passes understanding.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Your faithfulness in your daily visits is the tie breaker here, if indeed one is needed, and I think it is not...He quality of life is gone...You long for her to be in a better place...of course you wish she could pass away.

My own wife has been a stroke victim since early 2005...she is in a nursing home for many years now..I visit daily and hire paid ladies to sit with her at the dinner hour seven days a week...She is paralyzed and cannot speak...I do wish that she could sleep away as her quality of life is so limited. I do not feel guilty..

God bless you.

Grace + Peace,

Bob

n a
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

You are not bad for wishing her to pass. It is an incredible love that says " I will miss you and hurt so terribly without you, but I love you too much to put myself first, so I pray for your release from this life". You wish it for her because your love for her is deep and abiding. Do not feel bad for putting her wishes before your own.

When my father passed I had been praying for his quick release from this world, but when it happened I cried out asking God how he could have taken him from us.

It is natural to have mixed emotions, but you should feel no guilt at all. Just continue to love her and put her first, and be the good loving daughter you are.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Do not feel guilty.I worked in the medical field and saw life from a mother's perspective, a daughter's perspective, a medical professional perspective...I always did not want suffering..I also asked myself what I would want if in the ill person's position..I told my daughter(who also works in the medical field) if I am in that state if she has to get the grandkids to trip over the plug..I do not want to linger and suffer..Do not be hard on yourself, God will take her when it is time.Bless you and take care of yourself.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I'm starting to feel as you do about my mother in law. How much longer will she hold on? My sister and I thought last Christmas would be MIL's last. Each time she has a hospitalization and "rehabs" she starts from a weaker place, never gets back lost function, but her decline slows down for a month or two before speeding up again. She's kept alive with pills and is on antidepressants. It seems so unnatural that I cannot imagine how much worse things can get. It's a nightmare and we're all living in it. I wish you and your mom peace.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

"we are born to die"....how blessed is your mother to have such a loving daughter!!
The guilt is normal, but it's YOUR guilt, mom probably wants to go. I cannot imagine living that long. I think you feel guilty for her pain, or for not being able to make her life better now. I doubt it's over hoping she can pass. The time we spend watching a loved one "die" whether it be hours, days, weeks, years, can be so sad. Our emotions get all confused.
You just keep on loving your mom. As someone who fervently believes in a beautiful, pain free afterlife, death is but a simple walking through a door. I feel my dad's spirit with me often. I hope you can find peace.
Helpful Answer (9)
Report

Pattijean, none of us want dementia, be incontinent and be in a nursing home. Living to be 102 yrs. is a great achievement, and you probably will live a long life since you have your mother's genes. Of course when you love someone, you do not want them to suffer. With dementia, I am not sure those with it suffer because they don't know the difference. When the good Lord wants to call her home, He will. In the meantime, keep holding her hand for your sake and know she is in the best place. Suffering is part of life.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Please do not be so hard on yourself. Loving your Mom the way you do is a gift to you both. Seeing your Mom so fragile is hard, and wanting her to be at peace and yet stay with you too, are confusing emotions. What is important to understand about those emotions, is that you want her to be at peace, and she will be. She will leave when she feels YOU are at peace with her going. Telling your Mom how much you love her, BUT if she want to go, "it's okay", that "you'll be okay" maybe be important for her to hear and know, so she CAN leave....I hope this helps. It did for me.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I admit that I feel the same way about my mom She seems so miserable and unhappy despite taking an antidepressant. I feel I lost her a few years back as she does not recognizes me and is very angry at being here. She unable to do a lot wants to lay down all the time, although I am able to get her out the house 3 days a week to socialize with others. I ask for forgiveness all the time for wishing she would die.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Pattijean, I too struggle with this. I prayed so earnestly for months and months for my dad to peacefully pass because he was so miserable stuck inside the AD and CHF body. Then when he became acutely ill in May and hospice was called, I literally begged God to save him. He did, and then I felt guilty because I placed him right back into the daily misery. My dad is still here and I still struggle with this many to most days. I am glad I chose to refuse any treatment of any then-future acute illnesses because I know now that his time is truly in God's hands, and even if I cannot find rest in that now, I know I will be able to one day. Used to be pneumonia was called the old-person's friend because it shortened the time spent incapacitated.

I want dad to know and be the young man he remembers himself being. I want him to have the purpose and life he wants. I want him to be able to drive and work because that's what he loved to do. I want to give him that gift. Something inside me just keeps thinking that maybe someday… Maybe. Even though I know it will never be. That said, I realized something else about myself through talking with the hospice counselor. I realized that knowing AD does not reverse and CHF does not reverse, and how miserable and limited he is now, I pray for dad to die because I love him. While I pray for him to live so that he can have that (unreachable) chance to be who he remembers, I also pray for him to live because I love myself and have been caring for him for so long I don't want to imagine what I will do with the empty hours. This is going to sound horrible and selfish, but in a way it feels good to have someone need me so much.

I don't know that it's a solution for you or anyone else, but when I catch myself wanting him to stay forever I stop and make myself think about the whole situation logically and that each week, each day, as miserable as it is for him, is the best day of the rest of his life. It is then that I can rest in wanting him to pass on quietly and peacefully.

Like many others, I have watched my dad go from independence to nearly immobile and no joy in a very short time. I have grieved, sometimes sobbing at each little loss as I knew "the dad I had known for a few days, weeks, or months" would never come back, and there wasn't a thing I could do about it.

The longer you caregive, the closer you get to your loved ones. Caregiving consumes us, our lives, so the thought of losing our loved one is excruciating. How do you reconcile all of this? I think it is by knowing that God's will will be done in their length of days even when what I see and feel contradict.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Pattijean, big hugs to you. Your feelings are perfectly normal. It's devastating to watch a parent change so much -- becoming physically and mentally degraded.

I had it easy compared to some. My mom was a shell of her former self, yet high-function in certain ways. (Complex neuro disorder, diagnosed via autopsy.) Had just enough of her marbles left to insist that she would shun all doctors, make no changes to her finances and POA, accept no outside/professional help, and stay in her increasingly-hoarded home until the bitter end.

Mom's cherished "independence" eroded my sanity. Was this woman a weird, irrational, crippled stranger? Or was she my mother? She was both. What was once family life became a cruel, alternate reality.

I finally took a deep breath and said, "There's only one way this can end." And I got some sh*t from people when I said it out loud. Sorry, The truth hurts. And the tsk-tskers weren't hurting as much as I was.

My mom finally found everlasting peace, let's say. I don't feel so great. But I'm working it out. And you will, too. There's no way around this ugly reality, when the parent you cared for and buried is so different from his or her old self.

This lifestage is an epic mind game. And everyone has their own timetable. Be kind to yourself.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Pattijean, you aren't alone at all. We all hate to see this decline and the suffering that goes along with it. Who among us would want this for ourselves. This article may help you a little - along with the terrific comments. Blessings. Carol
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/Why-you-secretly-want-elderly-parent-to-die-139321.htm
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Pattijean, You are not alone in the way you feel. My Mom declined for 5 years and then the last year and a half were awful...she was bedridden in my home with multiple other health problems, sleeping a lot, etc. It was so hard to watch my formerly active Mom decline in what seemed fast but at the same time then in slow motion. I did get a good hospice team finally. I prayed for my Mom's suffering to stop and she was finally relieved last Winter. I miss her very much, but I have to respect that she lived a long life and it was her time to go. It is because you love her that you don't want to see her this way. That is normal and we should not feel guilty for wanting their suffering to end, but that is natural too. You are a good daughter to your Mom. {{Hugs}}, Katie.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Ask a Question

Subscribe to
Our Newsletter