How do I reconcile myself with a wish that my mom will die?

My Mom is 88. She has not been "Mom" for at least 2yrs. Out of 3 surviving children all the responsibility is on me. I'm tired of dealing and worrying. This is my retirement so far. Mom is no longer the person I grew up with. She can no longer hold a conversation. And when she does talk she just rambles. She can no longer do anything she used to. She just sits all day waiting for the next meal. If she passed tomorrow I would have no guilt. She would not like where she is. I did what I could. The only thing I may feel guilty about is my lack of patience. But that Is a problem I have all the time not just Mom. Hoping my brothers have a little guilt since Mom doesn't seem important to them. The good thing is they allow me to make decisions and don't say anything.

Don't feel guilty. No it isn't pleasant but I was that way with my mom & she was only 65 & dying from Vascular Dementia. I didn't want her to "die" but more than that I did want her to be out of pain. Her body was like turning to cement & she had constant UTI's & BAD constipation then her mind was telling her that she has just eatten when really she was starving herself to death right infront of us. Nothing we could do for her. She was always in wet dipers & had to drink the thickened water which I tasted & it was HORRIBLE!!! She HATED it & would beg for reg water but she would choke & maybe die if we gave it to her. Within a little over a year of being diagnoised with Vascular Dementia after a brain tumor was removed she passed away. Now I live next door to my Dad and he now has mild demetia. Im an only child & disabled with my legs. I can't physically take care of him when he gets that bad.

I feel so much for everyone here. I am in the same place. I wish I could actually meet someone in my life who had the same issues. No one in my family or my husband's family or even extended family and friends is going through what all of us are going through. It takes great strength, faith, anger, love each day to carry me through. My mom is the only one in the nursing home she is in who has a mind! Her body is gone, can't walk or take care of her own basic needs but her mind is sharp. She may last 10 more years like this. I go 5 days a week, my life at 53. Hugs to all!

I think it is natural and even OK to feel that wish for peace and an end to suffering, worries and so much work - and then, do not be surprised to find you grieve and miss the person just as much when caregiving comes to an end.

Pattijean, I think there are some great answers here already. I just want to say that I think your feelings are very normal. Who wouldn't want to see an end to a loved one's suffering and struggle? If you believe, as I do, that death is not the end but the transition into everlasting peace and happiness, then what could possibly be wrong with wishing your loved one would pass gently into that eternal bliss? I think it is our feeling that we are letting our loved one down or that it might seem that we no longer "want" them that causes our pain and guilt. This is not the truth. We just love them enough to let them go. God bless you...

I told my mom a few days ago that I would be praying for her to have Peace. I don't know what that means exactly, but I know she is anxious and in a place she doesn't want to be, physically and emotionally. She is young (69) but feels so old. I think your wish for your mother to have Peace is the best wish/thought/prayer. When we love someone, that is what we really want for them.

I also have confused feelings as to where my responsibility in caring for
my 86year old father should start and end. He would like to live with me
but I know I couldnt live with him because he would try to take over my whole life
and control me as that is the way he has always been.
I am 2years off 70years of age myself, and I. I just want some peace and joy in the last years of my life.
The thing is, he never had to look after his mother and father in their old age
as they died in their early seventies when he was in his 40's He had all his time
free to do what he wanted up to age 86years with his extra marital affairs and girlfriends, but now selfishly he has no qualms wanting to move in with me
so I can look after him in his old age. He never thinks that he never sacrificed
his days and life to do that for his parents.

Frankly I feel my life and days are equal in value to the number of days he has
enjoyed, unencumbered, in his life. I still pick up my grandchildren and stay with
them for 3hours an afternoon, 4days a week and have spent my life caring
for my family and their families. I dont think I owe Dad the time.
Because he has never had to sacrifice his life as a full time carer to anyone.
I will do all I can do on a visiting shopping schedule and Drs appointments etc.
but Im dammed if I will sacrifice 5 or 10years of my 70's being his constant carer and around the clock carer. We all have limited time left to live in our later years
but he doesn't care about me or ruining my life as long as he gets someone to make his slave, so that he doesn't have to deal with carers or make decisions about moving into assisted living. I will be taking responsibility for my old age
care arrangements right to the end, this is my responsibility not the responsibility
of my children. Old people who burden their children are just being childish and selfish.
Dad has refused the help of carers, refused to have a monitored medi alert
bracelet or cooperate in putting his name down to review assisted living residences. Says Im perfectly able to care for myself, but trys to move in with me to care for him in his old age.

This selfish duplicity makes me angry. My brother meanwhile, because he lives
in another city thinks he can just let me sacrifice years of my life while he
doesnt.
I have said, they can put me in prison but I will not live with him or have him live with me.

Cheryl, it does not even have to be about what he deserves and what you deserve. You do not have the kind of relationship that would make caregiving successful and you may love him and feel a sense of duty towards him, but you do not even really LIKE him or what he chose to do with his life, and you do not want to become his caregiver based on well-founded fears that he would make your life miserable. Your taking a stand should mean he will have to accept other help, and under the circumstances, you have grandkids who need you and you mutually enjoy one another, and he would probably detract from that relationship. You should not have to provide all the care yourself, but if he becomes unable to arrange for it himself, you might be obligated to help him get it. You can always consult an eldercare attorney to make sure you are not going to have problems with any "filial responsibility" or similar laws where you live, and hopefully his finances would cover the care he needs and will need in any event.

And - one more thought - since this means HE has GREAT grandkids - do they brighten his life at all, does he care about them? (Wow - He was just 18 when you were born!)

vstefans
😀♥️
Thank you for your kind understanding reply to my post.
Dad shows very little interest in his great grandchildren, and is critical of people in general and pretty self absorbed.
I have worried about what will happen when his mind becomes
more confused and he can no longer live by himself.
Your insight and advice about needing to have a plan in place
and somewhere set up for him
to go is

........the right guidance.
I am presently going through the steps to get his name on the list
at an aged home that has a good reputation. I rang them and they said I shoud get a centrelink(australian government)asset assesment done. It will take the government 5weeks to deal with it. So it is a step by step,unknown process for me, and I just keep on trying to advance a step at a time with it.
Happy New Year vstefans
Hope 2017 is a wondeful year for you.

you