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I'm not saying this is a new trajectory, I'm not that naive. But I worry she's going to complain now and this past week she's not had issues getting into or out of bed I know this is the right thing to do but deep down i feel like no matter what I do , I'll get blamed

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Mom told us she did not like the hospital bed and it was not comfortable. She slept on her traditional bed for another 18 months.
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SamTheManager Dec 23, 2025
We had the basic mattress and it wasn't great, then upgraded to the good thick one that was spongy but firm. We had an inflating pressure sore prevention topper that helped a lot as well. It was so much easier to clean Mom up and get her dressed and in and out of bed from the hospital bed. It saved our backs. They can be leased through Medicare and you pay a portion of it each month. If you still need it after 13 months you will own it. If not they take it back. At least that's how it was with durable medical equipment for us.
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If she has a medical need for the bed her doctor can put in an order to Medicare which will cover most of- not all - of the cost of the bed. It is a good idea to upgrade the mattress - you have to pay for that. Medicare will pay for a very basic crank style bed . For an additional monthly fee, you can get a fully electric adjustable bed. The whole bed will raise up and down as well as the head and feet It is worth it to get that. Get the bed - but don’t pay for all of it out of your money.
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I rented one for dad for about 6 months before he went on hospice. I had to buy the mattress, $600. For the 6 inch better mattress. (4 inch basic). His caregiver said it would help them do care. He was still fine for a couple months and it was just used as a daybed. He didn’t like it. About month 3-4 it became necessary and after that, no other way was possible. You could consider renting a hospital bed for a few months. If you buy the mattress, you keep it. Dad had the better mattress all through hospice even though they provided the bed. None of this is easy. You’re not alone. We’ve been there.
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Just a quick note get one an Facebook or Craig’s list or eBay. Cost much less than a new one and when you’re done, you can probably sell it for about what you paid for it.. I got a hospital grade bed for about $800
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Reply to Sample
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firsttimer1: Get the hospital bed.
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Reply to Llamalover47
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Yes, she will / may complain.
Yes, you may / will get blamed - my question is "why does her response potentially determine what you do / know what you need to do?"

Are you afraid of her?
Tired of hearing her 'complain"
Feel battered down and getting no credit for ALL that you do, do ?
Often there is no shown appreciation when a person is either or both in physical and mental decline. They are scared and nothing you do 'will be right' in their eyes.

Sounds like you need to give yourself a break - get some personal space to regroup.

No one can run on empty.

I would recommend that when she 'complains' that you reframe these words IN YOUR MIND' to "she is frightened and scared, and possibly confused --- and has no one else to dump on / 'blame' - respond to. It is ALWAYS the person / people closest to us that we dump on. There is a safety or perceived safety of familiarly that can be trusted. Or conversely (as I believe), they know they can get away with it and repeat the behavior (as no boundaries are set, i.e. "This is unacceptable ... to talk to me like this. and /or "I'm leaving for a while so you can cool down (this works if the person doesn't have dementia - or actually in some cases, it works (as it did for my client, which shocked me). Somewhere "in there - their confused mind ... they know.

Then, say "I understand how you feel" and WALK AWAY. When you shift - even for an instant (i.e. leaving the room), it will help you shift mentally. If you can leave for 5 minutes to 5 hours when these situtions occur, do it.

Perhaps it is time to get some caregiver help in to support you.
Do not run yourself into the ground.

Know that you do what you know is in her best interest and give yourself credit for that - over and over again.

Learn to shift ... taking her words to heart to having a mental image / barrier to not let them in and see her as a vulnerable scared person.

I do not see what the hospital bed has to do with her sudden improvement.
Although I believe you still need some 'me time.' And, study / read up on whatever her diagnosis is (if she has one) regarding the ups and downs. Dementia does work this way due to different parts of the brain affecting different behaviors / confusion.

Here's a hug and get the bed. Gena
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Reply to TouchMatters
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The hospital provided their beds for a reason
they gave advised you need this bed the your circulation
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Reply to Jenny10
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The one certainty you have is that things will get worse. You may make a decision prematurely, but eventually you will recognize it as a wise and possibly even preemptive decision. We will never feel that we’re doing enough. We can only do our best. Be kind to yourself.
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Reply to Monomoyick
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Hello. Remember this disease is not linear. One day or two is more normal but not quite; and the next, the disability is obvious. Make your decisions that you believe are in the best interest of your mom and don't let your emotions put you on a rollar coast. The drama subsides once you make a sound decision. Remember the idea is to 'keep it between the line' not an eye on the perfection that doesn't exist.
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Jaynelade Dec 21, 2025
Violet, well said❤
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I know how you feel. My sister has late stage Alzheimer's. All we can do is our best with the information we have. Sometimes we'll be spot-on and sometimes we'll miss the mark. No judgements here, you are doing your best.
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Reply to Sister48
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Is there a downside to getting a hospital bed? It took 6 weeks for mom’s bed from order to receipt. She will need it at some point so best to be prepared.
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Reply to BenchmarkKid
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Don’t know the whole situation with your mother or what her needs are and what stage of life remains.
You can talk to her doctor and see if he can get you a prescription to have a hospital bed preferably with half rail or if she’s towards end of life hospice they will supply one for her comfort. If none above then just call one of the companies and rent one yourself. It comes complete bed raises up and down as well and feet and head. From experience I would buy a nice bed topper for your Mothers comfort.
Caregivers are there to make sure they are clean, safe and have all their needs met, sounds like you a doing just that. Lots of times they will not agree with you, but your doing what is best for all.
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Reply to Jennytrying
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It’s emotionally difficult to navigate making these decisions. If you can, take the parent role out of your decision. Is this a safety issue? That’s a top
priority. Hospital beds can
make a big difference. Whatever you do, know that what you are doing is hard and sacred. Hang in there!
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Reply to Mamashelper2
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I love your description of trying to have a sensible conversation with a person suffering from dementia as “the hamster wheel” I wish I’d thought of using a video back when my mother was alive.
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Reply to Musiceduce
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You just have to make the best, most informed decisions you can, and not worry about how she is going to respond. You can't hesitate because you fear the blame. She might blame you and accuse you of ridiculous things, because she is not thinking clearly. Don't take it personally.
A hospital bed can make her more comfortable and make it easier on the caregiver.
Make sure you have a good, quality, comfortable mattress. The mattress alone is pretty expensive!
I hope you are choosing a model which raises and lowers. You can set it to the level that is easiest for her to sit on the edge and get in and out of.
When she needs personal cares, the bed can be raised to a comfortable level for the caregiver to avoid back strain.
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Reply to CaringWifeAZ
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One thing I can add to the responses here is that if the entire bed can be raised, it will be easier on the caregiver's back when tending to the patient during changing, cleaning and repositioning.

In the long run, a bed that changed positions helped my parents in their early 90s, as they continued to decline steadily.
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Reply to DaughterofAD3
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I never did one single thing for my mother that she appreciated or didn't blame me for. Including, but not limited to, buying her a brand new adjustable bed and mattress that she hated. Hospice will bring her a hospital bed free of charge when the time comes. In the meanwhile, I'd get her a bed cane and call it good.

https://www.amazon.com/s?k=Bed+cane&crid=10E15CH30LHSB&sprefix=bed+cane%2Caps%2C426&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

Best of luck.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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I thought getting a hospital bed would be a big deal and was hesitate to broach the subject. Both the times I needed one it was welcomed by the patients. My mom needed head elevation and the right height for getting in and out of the bed, plus the rails. My DH aunt needed a new bed, was 2x incontinent, bed bound and needed to be more accessible to her caregivers when giving her meds and changing/bathing her and for her to visit and eat, take her pills etc.
My dad never needed a hospital bed. They all benefitted from a lift chair.
Based on the info you’ve shared it seems a little early but I’m sure there are other factors.
I might start with the bed rails JoAnn29 suggested. on days your mom needs them, she will have them. Assuming here her caregivers (you) don’t need easier access to her while in bed.
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Reply to 97yroldmom
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Are you planning on getting a Hospital bed because of the railings? I got my Mom a bar that slips under the mattress. Its about 18 in wide maybe a little wider. My Mom could pull herself up with it and then use it to stand up.
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firsttimer1 Dec 11, 2025
Because she had trouble getting in and out. And the aid has trouble moving her. Somehow she's much better than she was when I made the decision to look but I assume improvement will be short lived
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Does your Mom want the bed? My Mom (now 96) is extremely mercurial about things she asks for - partly because of some memory issues and partly because of indecision and perfectionism. In the past she's insisted on an appliance (for example) and then didn't like it inspite of my copious research and her buy-in. So now I video me asking her if she wants something and the fact that if she changes her mind for a minor reason I will not expend energy returning it. Sometimes she preepmtively decides not to get it because she doesn't want to be proven wrong. Not sure this is the method for you, but it has cut down my time on the hamster wheel.

If your Mom has dementia, it doesn't matter that she blames you - her brain is broken. If she was that type of person prior to aging decline, she will most likely be more of that. Be confident that you are running the show and not her. Don't care if she blames you. Ask yourself why does that even matter if you know you didn't earn it?

May you receive clarity and peace in your heart.
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