Pushing Buttons or legit decline?
I swear mom deliberately does or says things to aggravate me. Or does she? Mom is an expert in the victim role and she can adjust her “abilities “ according to who is present at the time. When the situation calls for her to be in the now, she’s on top of her game. My theory is that since she chooses to do nothing but literally sit in Her Chair 24/7 and watch tv, I feel she gets bored and wants attention so she will repeatedly do or say things that she knows irritates the hell out of me. And yes, she has mobility with her walker, and no, she has zero interest in doing anything besides existing in Her Chair watching tv. I have tried countless times to engage her in something different to no avail. She is only 72 , why doesn’t she embrace her mobility? I’m really starting to believe she simply has a nasty streak that she takes out on me. I don’t want to feel like this but it sure seems to be the case. When I try to talk to her about it, she goes into “no I don’t “ mode or into “ yes, everything is my fault” flying tizzy like a brat child. Or she says nothing and turns the tv back up. She does not ever “remember “ anything that may not be in her favor or preserve her righteousness. Does anyone else have behavior like this from their LO? How do you deal with it?
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I well remember the feeling that mother was being intentionally annoying and self-destructive, but my mother was in her mid-late eighties and had congestive heart failure.
I don't know about the nasty streak. I expect she feels pretty terrible most of the time, and that does nothing for anybody's temper. The fact that she won't take any steps at all to improve her own quality of life doesn't mean that she isn't miserable.
But. Whatever, she's not letting you help. Did you say there are OTs and PTs involved, am I remembering that wrong?
I'm sorry to go on and on and on about it, though, but she's *72*. It's just far too young, barring identifiable diseases or disabilities, for her to need this level of care and input, or to have sunk to such a level of inactivity. Age-related decline? At 72??? I mean you wouldn't expect any 100m world records or a new career with Victoria's Secret, but other than that - 72 nowadays is really just late middle age.
Who can you discuss her with - her as a patient, I mean?
What would happen if you didn't live there? - to her, to you.
My mom is 76. At 75, I always said, "She's an OLD 75" because, like yours, she will NOT do anything to better her situation. Both knees are bad, overweight, back pain, on and on and does NOTHING to help herself. I give lots of excellent (of course!) suggestions and assistance but she's just not interested. But, no lack of complaining about her maladies. "Oh, I don't want to have to start going to ANOTHER doctor for THAT!" Well, why the heck not? What else are you doing? Watching TV? And IF that doctor MIGHT be able to give you some relief of that problem, wouldn't that be a GOOD thing???
Good luck!
My Dad loved to start trouble. He could intimidate. This effected my brother and me but not my sister and younger brother. They ignored him.
I think an exfriend I had would be like ur Mom if she was able to live with one of her boys. But her boys wised up long ago. To be able to live with Mom you either need to let what she says just run off ur back or confront her. At 72, I would confront her. Tell her you no longer will take her abuse. If you are in the position to do so, tell her you will move out because no one should have to take anyones abuse, especially not a daughter that is caring for her. So, if you are going to live together, there will be boundries. First, she needs to do for herself as much as possible. You will no longer take her verbal abuse. As soon as she starts you will leave the room. You will not be at her beck and call.
I hope you are able to have an area of the house just for you. Like ur bedroom and maybe an extra one for ur sitting room. I also hope you get out and don't feel u need to be there for Mom every waking hour.
Oh those relatives, tell them they are welcome to come care for Mom if they think they can do better. If they aren't willing to do that, then you don't need them telling you what to do. I would bring that up to Mom too. Stopping bitching about u to relatives and friends. If she is not happy with ur care, then hire someone and you will find another place to live. Call her bluff. I bet she will back off once she realizes she would be all alone. After u say this or anything along those lines, walk away. Let her think about what you said. Never engage her. Never show ur hurt or mad, just walk away. Give her the silent treatment.
The ball is in ur court. You need to set boundries.
Mom has aged un-graciously and with as much noise as possible. Problem is, when you complain about EVERYTHING, you get the attention and nobody wants to deal with you. She's had 2 unnecessary back surgeries and both knees replaced and one hip. She is currently searching for a doc to do the other hip. Once she says she 90, they send her packing.
I don't know how she wore out so fast, she didn't DO anything. I have no memories of her cleaning or gardening---or exercising.
I agree with JoAnn, this isn't decline, it's choice. Mom can do what she wants to do, but cannot do anything that she doesn't need/want to do.
5 living sibs--she lives with younger brother. The rest of us are as hands off as we can be. I only recently gave up completely trying to have a healthy relationship with her.
I was very recently dxed with cancer and am facing that in my life. When I told her, as I felt I should, he reaction was "Oh, well, daddy will be so glad to see you". (My daddy has been gone for almost 15 years).
That was the end. Who SAYS things like that??
She wore out so fast BECAUSE she didn't do anything. No biggie to her, since she expected others to "fix" her with the surgeries.
Besides taking care of several young grandchildren, I have taken several wonderful college level music classes during the last several years, lost 85 pounds, performed as a bit player in 4 college musicals, had surgery for a life long crossed eye, and MOST recently began learning on a very intense and serious level to play the tuba, a life long dream.
I have established several serious musical goals, the most important to me at present to play as part of the college wind ensemble. If I’m not equal to the job this fall I’ll work hard to do it in the spring.
It’s my choice to do what I do. Many women of my era were expected to marry, raise children, and vegetate. That just wasn’t for me. I believe it IS a choice to sit and be disagreeable. I can be plenty disagreeable too, but not for the fun of it.
I’d want my life companions to give me a good swift kick if I was choosing to behave like your mom.
your family is very fortunate to have such an awesome matriarch! You will be the example that will motivate and influence for generations. And have the best stories to share! Bravo to you!!!
Best of luck
My suggestion may have a down side for you, but getting a library subscription going now might help. Then get rid of the TV. Life can be sustained without TV. Move it out, or disable it. If your mother wants it fixed, or a new one, refuse until you have sorted out a few ground rules. The first one is a care agreement, with back pay, that compensates you for what you are doing. The second is a discussion about why her siblings inherit everything. If mother throws you out, it’s harsh but perhaps not such a bad move. This situation is ridiculous!
But there are so many gaps that I just don't think it's possible for outsiders to form any kind of useful idea of what's going on.
Here are the conditions you mention on your profile: "age-related decline, anxiety, depression, diabetes, mobility problems, sleep disorder, and urinary tract infection"
None of these explains why a woman of 72 has apparently lost all motivation to lead a normal life.
Then you drop into one comment that "years ago" your mother was in a coma for seven weeks. She what?!
I'm very sorry that you experienced a sexual assault, and that your mother has always refused to acknowledge how wrong that was and how distressing for you. But what the heck?
Your mother has a close relationship with her brother and her sister, to the extent that they are her heirs and you - her only child - are excluded from her estate. Nevertheless, it's you who surrenders your life and moves to be with her.
I don't understand what is going on, except that clearly there are Big Deal things wrong with your mother and wrong with your relationship with her. I'm not going to barge in again because to me this looks like a minefield. Only - please get out of it!
in 2003, Mom went in for reversal surgery for a temporary colostomy. Five days after the surgery, her small intestine perforated, she aspirated , coded twice and slipped into a coma. It was ungodly and horrific. Seven weeks into the coma with no improvement, all nine of her doctors and nurses met with me, and moms brother and sister to discuss her situation. ( I had medical poa at the time). They told us she would never get better and that there was no brain activity and it would be best to take her off life support. I understood that they did all they could but my gut said not to sign those papers yet and four days later, she simply just woke up. Devine intervention indeed. Three of her specialists were off the day she woke up but all three came in to see her because they couldn’t believe it. She spent the next three months in rehab learning to talk, walk etc. and she also ended up with a permanent colostomy. She suffered some neurological impairment but amazingly went back to 80% normal just a little slower in some areas. I’ve always tried to encourage her to share her story it’s an incredible testimony, sadly, she has no interest in doing that. After she came home, her “pouch” became her excuse for everything and for not doing anything except sit in Her Chair. She didn’t return to work and went on disability. She was almost completely independent- she could walk, drive, bathe etc but she claimed she couldn’t and I unknowingly catered to her for ten years. She even beat breast cancer in 2011- she is a living miracle and should be embracing life if anyone should be. But she has not and will not. She sits and tots away in Her Chair. She doesn’t have Dementia or Alzheimer’s she just has nasty means and lazy.
Mind you, I'm not saying that you should be trapped in this caregiving nightmare; your description of what your mom did when you needed to go to the hospital reminded me SO much of the kinds of mis-understandings that I've had with LO's with dementia. Their broken brains form an "impression" of what is happening and that becomes their reality.
We, who have told them the facts, are astounded, insulted and in an outrage over their "lies". To them, it is reality.
Your mother needs a different kind of care than she can get at home. Please get her a neruopsych workup that highlights what is working and what is not so that you can get what's best for her and for you.