I've been taking care of my mother for 1 1/2 yrs since my dad passed. There have been a few months here and there when I haven't. I moved in with her because she asked me to. When she would get mad because I wouldn't kiss her @$$ she would kick me out and have my worthless sister and her husband move in. Then she would get mad at them and have me back. Once she got mad at both of us and moved in for a month with my oldest sister who hadn't even talked to my mother in yrs.
So this past February she called my from my oldest sisters house and said she wanted to come back home and would I move in and help her. I said ok but things need to change. she agreed.
In the last few months she has been doing some really strange things. I knew her mind was going so I called her doctor. We went in and he diagnosed her with dementia.
I have her DPOA and her health care POA. So I took over on everything. I had too because she started giving things away. She asked me to take her to the bank to get $1000.00 out. I asked her why she needed that kind of money. She said she just wanted it. I said no so she grabbed her purse and went walking down the road. I went out and asked her what she was doing and she told me she was going to get someone to take her to the bank. She cancelled her next doctors appointment when they called to confirm. So I took the phone so she couldn't do that again. I told her she would get it back after the doctors visit. I also fixed the front porch so that she would have a hard time getting around a bench if she tried to sneak out again. I caught her at 2am trying to get out.
So we go to see her doctor she tells him she scared of me, that I stole all of her money, that I went out and bought a brand new car and my husband a brand new truck. she told him I was holding her hostage for a month (I blocked the porch for 2 days). She told him so many lies I was stunned. I would try to defend myself and he got up and with a raised voice said we were both acting like 2 year olds and that he was going to call Adult Social Services. I said really? I'm doing my best to take care of her because she asked me to and gave me the rights to take care of her business. That was HER decision she made at her attorney's office where she had the papers drawn up and signed.
So then he has me go in another room to talk to me. I told him all the crazy things she's been doing, messing up her medications etc. He said he wanted to see us back in 2 weeks and if things weren't better he would call Adult Social Services. My mother told me that he asked her if I had ever hurt her, she tells me she said no. She said he asked her if she was afraid I would, she tells me she said no. She tells me she told him she wants me to be with her and take care of her.
So, the very next day guess who shows up. Adult Social Services. They come in and ask her some questions about if she was afraid of me etc. Then she talks to me and I explained why I had done the things I did even though I feel I shouldn't have to explain myself. This was this past Friday. Today is Tuesday. I gave her back the phones like I told her I would. I told her not to answer calls from anyone she doesn't know...so the phone rings and she answers it. It was for me. I get off of the phone and told her that I had told her not to answer to anyone who calls. She said well it just kept ringing. I said let it ring. She says "hear we go again".
So now I have to walk on eggshells?? Because she going to continue telling everyone I'm a monster? I forgot that part. She has told anyone she can how horrible I am but to my face says she loves me and wants me here.
I said what are you going to do? tell your doctor again so you can end up in a nursing home. She said she doesn't care that it's better than putting up with this.
Who protects the caretaker? What can Adult Social Services do to me? I've been so stressed its insane. I'm crying constantly. I take darn good care of her yet they will believe the rants of a woman with dementia?
I have no one to talk to about any of this. I'm scared. I want to take care of my mother but I don't want to end up in jail because of her. What can I do?
Do take her out more, take her to the senior center. Let her complain and do not defend yourself. As was suggested, become transparent, get yourself an advocate/witness to be around the two of you "two year olds". So sorry your doctor said that. Keep going back, however, you can get a second opinion from a geriatric psychiatrist for your mom. Don't allow criticism to drastically change the way you have done things right for your mom, unless it is warranted.
Call your phone company for features and ideas of how to limit incoming calls through the message center, call screen, etc.
OR, JUST REMOVE THE RINGER ON THE LANDLINE, because it is very important to allow a senior to call out. She can receive calls on the cell phone.
Take care of yourself.
With a cellphone all the dispatch gets is the closest cell tower, which could be miles away, unless the cellphone has an option for direct location.
With my cellphone, over the past year I have been getting advertisement calls, so those robo calls have drifted into the cellphone world.
I would also try to keep reading as much about dementia as possible. The brain changes and the patient cannot be held to the same standard that they were held to previously. Even if the patient was rude, a liar and demanding for 40 years, when they get dementia, they have an excuse. Dwelling on old behavior throughout their life is not productive. I think I might see a counselor about dealing with it and accepting what has happened. You may not get your mom to ever behave in the way you think is proper. She will not be capable. Having high expectations can be very disappointing. Plus, she her dementia will progress.
I would also let go of expectations of her being polite or saying the right thing. With dementia, that's rarely what you do. You may say or do very bizarre things. It's expected and not odd by those who know dementia. You may explain that to others who don't know this. They will just have to adjust and accept it as well.
I wish you both all the best.
As an elder's memory fades, they still remember how to use a landline from when they were growing up. Cellphone buttons are very small and difficult on poor eyesight. Also clarity of sound, again difficult on an elder with limited hearing.
I do take her to get her hair done. She won't bath unless I push it and she tries hard to get out of it. but I just get things ready and tell her okay get in and she will.
I have to bring her her food and meds even though she's perfectly able to get up and get things herself. She sits in a chair and watches tv all day. this is not new. She has been like this for years. My dad had to cater to her. If you don't jump when she snaps she's pissed. Well, now I tell her it can wait, or it's not going to hurt the truck to be out of the garage I'll put it in later. She knows now she can't threaten me if I don't jump when she says. So that part is nice but she still nags constantly.
The thing about going outside is a laugh. She told them I won't let her go out yet I try all the time to get her to come out with me. She'll stand at the door and watch what's going on .... so she has something to complain about but rarely comes out.
My main thing that I would like to know is am I okay. If the caseworker believes her what can happen. I am very protective of my mom. She makes me mad as heck but I still am very very protective of her.
I'm thinking about cancelling the next doctor appointment because he was such a jerk. I've been going to her appointments with her for years so he knows me and knows I take care of her. Even way before she needed it.
You just can't argue, you won't win. The ability to reason through the simplest things is no longer there.
Don't correct them all the time. It just reminds them that something is wrong, and they can become confused and angry.
Don't play 20 questions. "Don't you remember this or that?" They don't and won't. Don't bother with it.
Don't get mad. This is the hardest for everyone dealing with dementia. You have to remember it's not their fault. It's even harder when the relationship has always been bad.
Fib, lie, use deception, divert attention, trickery what ever you can do to induce a loved one to do what's needed for their welfare and YOURS.
Finally, it only gets worse. Be prepared, lay track ahead of time for the next crisis and take care of yourself. Don't let guilt or others inaction and dumping all the responsibility on you kill you. Stand up for yourself. If putting Mom in care is the only way you will survive, then that's what you do
The caseworker told me I could take the landline from her as long as I let her keep her cell phone. I didn't want to do that but I might have too.
Right now she's pouting and won't eat.
I feel like a failure even though I know I'm taking good care of her. She has no one else. My sisters haven't even asked me if I needed any help.. My oldest sister called one time to make sure she knew that she wants her share of the sale of the house! I said umm she's not dead yet. The other sister calls every other day to ask her how she is doing but hasn't offered to visit or have mom go to visit her.
As I said, I'm new to this. I guess I needed to talk to anyone who could offer support. I don't know all the in's and out's of dementia. I had hoped her doctor would help me but he was horrible to me.
I guess I'll just get back to reading about it. I just really needed someone to talk to
Now I'd like to make a few observations from your post.
You know she has dementia yet you expect her to remember not to answer a ringing phone. Much of what dementia'd seniors do is from habit. Pretty predictable that she would answer the phone, don't you think? She probably doesn't even know why you're angry about it. And why DON'T you want her to answer it, by the way? If you're expecting her to look at the caller ID, which it sounds as if you do, I think it's likely you're expecting too much.
I use that as an example. Taking care of dementia'd loved ones is more about manipulation than you think. Example...
When she wanted to go to the bank for a thousand dollars? Instead of no, tell her you'll take her for sure tomorrow. When tomorrow comes,she may or may not remember. If she remembers, take her but suggest she start with $50. You'll take her for more when she needs it. Then take her out to lunch.
Hope some of this makes sense. I know APS being involved is spooky, but, believe me, you and mom aren't their first rodeo.
I want to take care of her. I do want to be here. I feel responsible for her and I do take d*mn good care of her. But she is the type that isn't happy unless she is causing drama.
Regarding nursing homes, please do not make a nursing home a "punishment", you are scaring your mother.... with dementia some day she might have to have 24 hour care which you might not be able to do, and you wouldn't be able to get her to even visit one.