How do I protect myself from Adult Social Services?

Curious what type of doctor had diagnosed your Mother as having dementia? What kind of testing was done?

Regarding nursing homes, please do not make a nursing home a "punishment", you are scaring your mother.... with dementia some day she might have to have 24 hour care which you might not be able to do, and you wouldn't be able to get her to even visit one.

I don't think I could handle the stress and anxiety of dealing with it. I would see an attorney and ask about filing with the court to have a guardian appointed to her. I would NOT do it. In many states, the court can consider willing family members or they can appoint someone else. The court will determine if she needs one based on her mental competence. They may need testimony from you and her doctor. If they appoint her a guardian, they can make arrangements to keep her safe and care for her needs.

The doctor is the one who scared her with the nursing home. I just reminded her what he said. She does have to have 24/7 which is why I'm here. There is no one to protect me from her lies.

The attorney who drew up the papers told me I don't need to have a guardian appointed as it states in the DPOA that I am.

My mother has always been a control freak and one to hold things over your head. My USED car is in both of our names. She wanted to buy a brand new car and I told her that a used one would be better. I told her she didn't need the payments of a new car. She has my dads Trail Blazer but it's a gas hog so we wanted to get something better on gas. She told me she was taking it away from me. I said fine but who's going to run your errands. She is 87 and can't drive. So after the doctor signed the papers that she is unable to make sound decisions and pulled that on me again I told her that she doesn't get to do any of that anymore. To put it nicely my mother is evil and has been all my life. She constantly sits and plots. I can tell when she is and it's nerve racking.

I want to take care of her. I do want to be here. I feel responsible for her and I do take d*mn good care of her. But she is the type that isn't happy unless she is causing drama.

First, the doctor is a mandated reporter. That's why he called Adult Protective Services. Next, APS has seen and heard it all. Your mom has been diagnosed with dementia. I presume APS knows that.

Now I'd like to make a few observations from your post.

You know she has dementia yet you expect her to remember not to answer a ringing phone. Much of what dementia'd seniors do is from habit. Pretty predictable that she would answer the phone, don't you think? She probably doesn't even know why you're angry about it. And why DON'T you want her to answer it, by the way? If you're expecting her to look at the caller ID, which it sounds as if you do, I think it's likely you're expecting too much.

I use that as an example. Taking care of dementia'd loved ones is more about manipulation than you think. Example...

When she wanted to go to the bank for a thousand dollars? Instead of no, tell her you'll take her for sure tomorrow. When tomorrow comes,she may or may not remember. If she remembers, take her but suggest she start with $50. You'll take her for more when she needs it. Then take her out to lunch.

Hope some of this makes sense. I know APS being involved is spooky, but, believe me, you and mom aren't their first rodeo.

I'm sure I did handle it wrong. I have no clue about this sort of thing. It's new to me. I'm stressed out. I don't want her answering the phone because one she has cancelled not only her doctor appointment but an appointment for an eye exam that I had to reschedule. Two because she has ordered things and paid for it with her visa. A drink thing that was a monthly delivery and payment of $89

The caseworker told me I could take the landline from her as long as I let her keep her cell phone. I didn't want to do that but I might have too.

Right now she's pouting and won't eat.

I feel like a failure even though I know I'm taking good care of her. She has no one else. My sisters haven't even asked me if I needed any help.. My oldest sister called one time to make sure she knew that she wants her share of the sale of the house! I said umm she's not dead yet. The other sister calls every other day to ask her how she is doing but hasn't offered to visit or have mom go to visit her.

As I said, I'm new to this. I guess I needed to talk to anyone who could offer support. I don't know all the in's and out's of dementia. I had hoped her doctor would help me but he was horrible to me.

I guess I'll just get back to reading about it. I just really needed someone to talk to

I want to expand on what Maggie was talking about with dementia. There's tons of great info on this about dealing with dementia and you should do some reading, but here's some basic stuff I've learned from dealing with my very stubborn Dad who has dementia.

You just can't argue, you won't win. The ability to reason through the simplest things is no longer there.

Don't correct them all the time. It just reminds them that something is wrong, and they can become confused and angry.

Don't play 20 questions. "Don't you remember this or that?" They don't and won't. Don't bother with it.

Don't get mad. This is the hardest for everyone dealing with dementia. You have to remember it's not their fault. It's even harder when the relationship has always been bad.

Fib, lie, use deception, divert attention, trickery what ever you can do to induce a loved one to do what's needed for their welfare and YOURS.


Finally, it only gets worse. Be prepared, lay track ahead of time for the next crisis and take care of yourself. Don't let guilt or others inaction and dumping all the responsibility on you kill you. Stand up for yourself. If putting Mom in care is the only way you will survive, then that's what you do

thank you

The cell phone would be better as she probably will not remember how to work it. Make sure she does go outside everyday.... Short visits... Put a black mat on the inside of the doors. Usually they are afraid to step on it. Put a high key lock on the doors so you can lock them and sleep at night. How about Ativan at or morning and night? Is she bathing? Do you take her to get her hair done?

The caseworker did say as long as she had a phone the cell phone would be fine but now after the argument about the phone I want to wait to take it. She is paranoid that the reason I don't want her to answer it is that she might find out something I've done. I tried to explain it over and over. I know she just wants someone to talk to.... anyone even if it's a telemarketer but she's mean on the phone. She's always mean. A friend of my dads called, she answered and said "he's expired' and hung up. She has no friends. I've tried to talk her into going to the senior citizens place in town but she refuses. Even the caseworker asked her about it.

I do take her to get her hair done. She won't bath unless I push it and she tries hard to get out of it. but I just get things ready and tell her okay get in and she will.

I have to bring her her food and meds even though she's perfectly able to get up and get things herself. She sits in a chair and watches tv all day. this is not new. She has been like this for years. My dad had to cater to her. If you don't jump when she snaps she's pissed. Well, now I tell her it can wait, or it's not going to hurt the truck to be out of the garage I'll put it in later. She knows now she can't threaten me if I don't jump when she says. So that part is nice but she still nags constantly.

The thing about going outside is a laugh. She told them I won't let her go out yet I try all the time to get her to come out with me. She'll stand at the door and watch what's going on .... so she has something to complain about but rarely comes out.

My main thing that I would like to know is am I okay. If the caseworker believes her what can happen. I am very protective of my mom. She makes me mad as heck but I still am very very protective of her.

I'm thinking about cancelling the next doctor appointment because he was such a jerk. I've been going to her appointments with her for years so he knows me and knows I take care of her. Even way before she needed it.

I might add that I believe my mother is a narcissist and has been a liar as long as I can remember. She's got it down to a science. Very convincing.

Good grief, never ever take away a landline from an elder and expect them to remember how to use a cellphone. What was that careworker thinking???

As an elder's memory fades, they still remember how to use a landline from when they were growing up. Cellphone buttons are very small and difficult on poor eyesight. Also clarity of sound, again difficult on an elder with limited hearing.

I agree. But the cell she has is set up so she can call my sisters etc. And they call her on the cell...they don't call the landline. Taking the landline protects us both. I cant go into detail right now but it does. She gives too much info to strangers. I haven't taken it and don't know if I will. I'm watching how she acts with it.

I would be careful about canceling appointments with social workers, doctors or anyone involved in her care. It could be taken as a bad sign and I would try to avoid anything like that. I would keep things as transparent as possible.

I would also try to keep reading as much about dementia as possible. The brain changes and the patient cannot be held to the same standard that they were held to previously. Even if the patient was rude, a liar and demanding for 40 years, when they get dementia, they have an excuse. Dwelling on old behavior throughout their life is not productive. I think I might see a counselor about dealing with it and accepting what has happened. You may not get your mom to ever behave in the way you think is proper. She will not be capable. Having high expectations can be very disappointing. Plus, she her dementia will progress.

I would also let go of expectations of her being polite or saying the right thing. With dementia, that's rarely what you do. You may say or do very bizarre things. It's expected and not odd by those who know dementia. You may explain that to others who don't know this. They will just have to adjust and accept it as well.

I wish you both all the best.

thank you. I guess I will keep the appointment. I don't need them more up my butt than they are. I'm just so angry. Not so much at my mom but at the fact that "who takes care of the caretaker".

Landlines are important to elders in case there is an emergency and the elder dials 911 but is unable to speak due to panic, stroke, etc. Dispatch will automatically see on their screen the elder's address and send out EMT's to check the situation.

With a cellphone all the dispatch gets is the closest cell tower, which could be miles away, unless the cellphone has an option for direct location.

With my cellphone, over the past year I have been getting advertisement calls, so those robo calls have drifted into the cellphone world.

Lylwing, Make separate appointments for a counselor or therapist for yourself. Can you 'call forward' the landline to message center on a small number of rings? Your situation is precarious at best. It will be like living with the enemy. Get a witness on a regular basis. Social workers, (to whom you now find you must report to and explain your actions!) are fallible people too that can get carried away with the authority and power of their job.
Do take her out more, take her to the senior center. Let her complain and do not defend yourself. As was suggested, become transparent, get yourself an advocate/witness to be around the two of you "two year olds". So sorry your doctor said that. Keep going back, however, you can get a second opinion from a geriatric psychiatrist for your mom. Don't allow criticism to drastically change the way you have done things right for your mom, unless it is warranted.
Call your phone company for features and ideas of how to limit incoming calls through the message center, call screen, etc.
OR, JUST REMOVE THE RINGER ON THE LANDLINE, because it is very important to allow a senior to call out. She can receive calls on the cell phone.
Take care of yourself.

Lylwing: here is a bad attempt at humor so you can lighten up a bit in a serious situation: IF you don't learn how to take care of yourself right away, you are going to the nutsing home.

lol thank you for the giggle. And the sound advice. I never thought of having the calls forwarded. And the witness is great too. We have a neighbor who knows my mom and comes down to see her now and then..... they went though this for 10 yrs with his mother. My husband spoke to them about what's going on and they told him to have me come down and see them. I'm going to make a point of it. They are very nice people and I'm sure would gladly step up if I needed a witness.

I understand landlines importance for emergency calls but she is never left alone. I have monitors set up all over the house so I can hear if she needs help. There's a second line in my area of the house. We have the living room where she is and have a what we call a tv room in the back of the house where I have sort of an office set up now and it's where I watch my shows at night. if there's an emergency I would know.

So good to know that you can still giggle! How are you doing tonight? It is 7:00 p.m. here in So. California. My husband and I are not on a strict schedule because we need to be flexible when the neighbor freezes up due to Parkinsons. So, we try for dinner at 8:00 p.m. I have been known to eat without him.

P.S. You are not going to jail because even though Soc. Services does do some silly things, no way are they going to take care of your mom for you, they've already met her, right?

yes they have. And the caseworker could see a lot of things I was talking about are true but I don't trust them. thank you for letting me know that. I was really afraid. I'm also afraid of losing my mom. Things are better now. I'm trying to let go of past anger issues with her and remind myself life is my simpler if I'm more patient and talk to her about things. Last night I had her fold her own clothes. That made her feel better. It made me realize that I completely took over but some things I cannot let her do. such as her meds. she messes them up. but at the same time she wants catered to. It's only once in awhile she will want to do things like dust or fold her clothes. I know this post is haphazard but I know she is waking up in a minute and I'm trying to hurry LOL

Remember that she cannot learn new things; she can do things she learned years ago. It sounds as if she will be needing fulltime professional care, but do NOT use the words "nursing home."

I am so sorry you are going thru this TOO!! I know exactly how you feel..my dad had a massive stroke, and while he is physically able to do everything he needs to do..he now has dementia too.. He thought I was trying to kill him, and I put his ass in a nursing home...he was so paranoid of me, I was to scared I was going to end up in a bad spot with the state cause of APS... Sometimes, as much as we love our parents they need PROFESSIONAL CARE..I realized I was in over my head and could not handle the stress or dangers of taking care of someone that paranoid...

Good luck, don't be afraid to get her professional help.. Don't make it a punishment..

You can do 2 choices I can think of

1) Encourage social services to come over on multiple occasions, this will become legal proof in the future to show there is nothing wrong with the physical treatment you are providing your mother. It will also allow them to ask various questions to which no doubt she will answer differently every time, further adding proof that she is not all there to even know what is going on even in her own mind. It also gives a timeline needed in court should any of the bad siblings try to slander you in order to get her money, the social service people can be brought to court to be your witness that you have taken care of her, are not a drunk or abusive or whatever type of person, etc. that your other bad siblings or even your mother may state.

2) Hire a live in person for a while, that will allow your mother to put her madness on someone else so you remain sane yourself too, also it may remind her that going to home is the next step if she continually demands to be put in one. If her mind becomes so bad that it is 100% tormented by puppet spirits driving her to want to go to a nursing home, then let her be put in one for a month trial, you are not deserving of her torturing you daily in anger if she is not happy staying with you. You will go insane too in the end if there is no separation sometimes and warnings to her to control the puppet spirits driving her paranoia. She will see what the truth is by living by herself in the nursing home and most likely tell you to bring her out of it. Video tape her statements and let her watch them back in cases like this, it will help her question the puppet spirits that are deluding her.

So today I was sleeping so she started snooping through my things. Which is fine. I have nothing to hide but its just the fact that she did it. And this is nothing new. She has done this all of my life. In fact most of things she is doing she has done all of my life... for instance lying. The only difference now is it has intensified. My husband was gone for 3 days ((lucky him). So he sat out in her living room and asked her how's she's doing. She went off on a rant about how I was so terrible to her while he was gone. She said I sat in my room the whole time. That is so not true. I sat in there with her and watched tv everyday as I normally do only longer. I wait on her hand and foot even though she is perfectly capable of doing lots of things. For example I have to make her plate of food, give her her insulin shot (she can do this herself) then she just sits the plate on her table and waits for me to pick it up. I get up in the morning and make coffee and take her sugar reading. She was writing down numbers out of her head. she is perfectly capable of doing it the correct way but she wants the attention. I make her cup of coffee. Which she can do. the list goes on. She won't get out of her chair except to use the bathroom and then she sometimes doesn't feel like it so she will pee in her chair. anyway she told him all kinds of things. So, I asked her why did she say those things....she said because your room is a mess. (it isn't). I said so my room is a mess and that's why you talk crap about me? She talks crap about me to anyone she can. She denied it of course. And then says I don't know why he runs back to you and tell you every thing I said. I told her it's called a relationship mom. we tell each other everything. So of course if you say something nasty about me he's going to tell me. She also told him that after we go to the doctor I'll start being mean to her again (I am not mean). I know this is part of the dementia. I know she's just trying to get attention and I know it's going to get worse. I'm just venting.

But here's the thing. She's now knows she has the upper hand on me. Which she lost until APS came over. Now she knows she can call them anytime she gets mad at me. She's always been a control freak. When I was little even at 5yrs old she would say things to me like if I don't clean my room she's going to leave and never come back or she would say that social services would take me away. She's always threatened me with stuff. And for a minute it was so nice that she couldn't. but now she can again. I keep telling her she's only hurting herself but she says she doesn't care.

For those of you who keep bringing up the nursing home. Please stop. I'm not using it for punishment or whatever. I simply reminded her of what the doctor said and it was only the one time. The part I didn't remind her of is that he told me with the way she is being so aggressive no home around here would take her. She would have to go to one in Detroit.

I wrote here to try and get an answer for how I can protect myself. I've gotten a couple of really good answers. One was harsh but I have read that persons responses on other threads so I expected that. I need support. Which is why I posted here. I'm so depressed I'm crying constantly. I have no help and no one to talk to. I left my home and friends to come here. I can't even go outside for a minute without her pulling something or saying something. She complains about everything. I'm at my wits end already and it's just the beginning. She watches everything we do. And she sits and plots. She plots on how she can destroy me. Why?

So anyway, I made her an appointment to get her hair done Wednesday. She gets her hair permed and trimmed. The lady who does it is just bought the business she worked at. So she needs all the appointments she can get. So now because my mom is mad because I asked her why she said what she did..... she wants me to cancel the appointment. She wouldn't eat her dinner and is is pretending to throw up, and pretending she is dead. Her next doctor appointment is Thursday. So I know she is planning on telling him a bunch of crap.

thank you for reading this

Holy H*ll !!

Girl I feel terrible for you!! First things first, you MUST learn to STOP arguing with her. That will be your first big challenge. It's hard to just STFU, but if you learn this one, you're on your way...

If her doc diagnosed her with dementia, well then, he shouldn't be surprised at anything she says, at least my mother's doc wasn't. He usually just chuckled and said "Is that so"?... as far as ANY phones, I personally would take them away from her. She does not need them. If she's doing any sort of irregular stuff with them, then it becomes a hazard to both of you. You're there with her 24/7 (yikes), if she needs something or wants to talk to someone, I'm sure you will provide for her.

If she is capable of comprehending anything, YOU need to put YOUR foot down.

If she's acting like a brat right now and doesn't want to eat dinner, so be it. She will not starve missing supper. Go about your business. If you plan on keeping mom at home, before she's too far gone, you need to really do hard ass homework on Alzheimers/Dementia or else you will not make it much longer...

Oh, baby proof the house. Make it where she isn't able to escape without you knowing... nice you have all the alarms, but if you have a gate outside, fix it so she can't get out that way either....

I will never forget the time my very own dear mother escaped and ran down the street hollering someone ( was going to kill her )...gasp!! I had just spent the last 2 hours doing her hair and nails... the mind is a curious thing.

Protect yourself.... let APS come in, who cares?... they'll leave you alone (hopefully) once they realize what really is going on.