Problems with his mom's attitude/elder abuse?

I can’t recall the exact circumstances- likely I was telling my mom she couldn’t do some nutty thing that would be a disaster...

Regardless - mom yelled at me “I’m gonna turn you in for elder abuse!” To which I replied “Great! I’m sure I’ll be barred from seeing you while they investigate- I could use a break. But tell me, which one if your sons is gonna step in and take care of you in the mean time?”

That was the end of that and she never made the threat again.

Is the aide the homes employee. If so, then he needs to go to the head nurse and tell her what was said and how the aide is handling it. People who work with the elderly know that they can say off the wall things. If they aren't finding bruises then he can't be accused and elderly bruise very easily.

I would also request that she not barge in while he is visiting. If he pays out of pocket for her, then he needs to tell her he is her boss and he won't tolerate her actions.

I take it you and your ex are on good terms and you are privy to what goes on in his life. As to how he is treated by his mother, it sounds like this has been going on forever and he tolerates it, so nothing to be done there. If it’s a nursing home, trays should be brought to her room. My mom’s were and she was totally capable of motoring to the dining room, just anti-social. If there’s a resident doctor, she should be seeing them. It’s a lot easier that way. The doctor is on the same wavelength as the staff and things don’t get lost in translation. In my mom’s facility, an ophthalmologist would come if requested. Labs were also done there and sent out. Sounds like he does a lot more than he has to but he’s also been conditioned like that.

The aide is being very unprofessional. She has no proof of abuse. When your ex visits, the door should be left OPEN AT ALL TIMES. If possible, Mom needs to understand that if she makes accusations, even false ones, they will be investigated. Her little handmaiden will be barred from visiting and then where will she be? Your ex needs to go to the RN on duty at report the actions of the aide. Unless the aide has been “planted” by APS she is waaay overstepping her boundaries. He can also call a Care Confernce and Lay down the Law.

I would have a talk with mom and the aide, he needs to clear the air and let mom know that what she thinks is humor is something that could get him thrown in jail. Then who would be her servant?

My dad did stuff like that and I was fortunate that his aides were mature enough to see how I treated him and knew it was him, not reality.

Maybe one week without his care will show her how much she is risking for her own self as others don't seem to matter to her.

Encourage him to get some respite, he could die before her and then what happens?