Follow
Share

My ex and I are on reasonably good terms and speak often. He is sole caretaker for his mother (just turned 100 in May) who is in a retirement home and has been for years. It is the best alternative for him financially but he has to go over there 3 times a day and bring her meals from the dining room to her room and set them up. She has an aide who comes in twice a week to bathe her but he does everything else for her. Runs her to eye doctor, PCP and labs- everything.
Ever since he and I met in 1968 I knew that his mother was a self-centered shrew who was capable of fooling everyone (at least for a while) but I never put up with her crap. She does nothing but give her son grief constantly and he takes it, but I can see the toll it is taking on him.
Recently she got a new aide for the baths and they were talking. At one point the aide said "What would your son do?" and his mom replied "Probably kick me." Now this aide is making it a point to knock and immediately burst in when my ex is there with his mom. She starts all this phoney hugging and schmoozing, "Just want to see how you are, sweetie!"
My ex is afraid that he could be slammed for elder abuse. What would happen in such a case? Who would take care of her; I certainly wouldn't as I have to care for my own mom.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
I can’t recall the exact circumstances- likely I was telling my mom she couldn’t do some nutty thing that would be a disaster...

Regardless - mom yelled at me “I’m gonna turn you in for elder abuse!” To which I replied “Great! I’m sure I’ll be barred from seeing you while they investigate- I could use a break. But tell me, which one if your sons is gonna step in and take care of you in the mean time?”

That was the end of that and she never made the threat again.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Is the aide the homes employee. If so, then he needs to go to the head nurse and tell her what was said and how the aide is handling it. People who work with the elderly know that they can say off the wall things. If they aren't finding bruises then he can't be accused and elderly bruise very easily.

I would also request that she not barge in while he is visiting. If he pays out of pocket for her, then he needs to tell her he is her boss and he won't tolerate her actions.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
dazednconfused Sep 26, 2018
Thank you! He did go to the head nurse and she said she would take care of it but he is really paranoid. I do know that she has bruises frequently but then so does my mom. It doesn't take much for an old person to bruise.
(0)
Report
I take it you and your ex are on good terms and you are privy to what goes on in his life. As to how he is treated by his mother, it sounds like this has been going on forever and he tolerates it, so nothing to be done there. If it’s a nursing home, trays should be brought to her room. My mom’s were and she was totally capable of motoring to the dining room, just anti-social. If there’s a resident doctor, she should be seeing them. It’s a lot easier that way. The doctor is on the same wavelength as the staff and things don’t get lost in translation. In my mom’s facility, an ophthalmologist would come if requested. Labs were also done there and sent out. Sounds like he does a lot more than he has to but he’s also been conditioned like that.

The aide is being very unprofessional. She has no proof of abuse. When your ex visits, the door should be left OPEN AT ALL TIMES. If possible, Mom needs to understand that if she makes accusations, even false ones, they will be investigated. Her little handmaiden will be barred from visiting and then where will she be? Your ex needs to go to the RN on duty at report the actions of the aide. Unless the aide has been “planted” by APS she is waaay overstepping her boundaries. He can also call a Care Confernce and Lay down the Law.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
dazednconfused Sep 26, 2018
Yeah, he was always the black sheep of the family and his two younger brothers were the golden ones. One drank himself to death and the other moved all the way to the other coast so of course HE can't help! She is left with the son she hates and yet he doesn't slam her in an institution!?
There is no resident doctor as this is technically a "retirement village" rather than nursing home-it is less costly and there is limited means. So trays are not brought unless it is paid for separately...at $25 a day! So the ex goes three times a day, plus he needs to monitor her meds for her.
X-MIL never was good at understanding others or any kind of empathy so it is useless to try and explain to her. I have been giving him little tips about things that I find on this site and hopefully he gets some relief.
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
I would have a talk with mom and the aide, he needs to clear the air and let mom know that what she thinks is humor is something that could get him thrown in jail. Then who would be her servant?

My dad did stuff like that and I was fortunate that his aides were mature enough to see how I treated him and knew it was him, not reality.

Maybe one week without his care will show her how much she is risking for her own self as others don't seem to matter to her.

Encourage him to get some respite, he could die before her and then what happens?
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
dazednconfused Sep 26, 2018
I have tried to get him to take a break and he says that when he does its just worse. I am worried about him dying as well. I know this sounds callous but if he dies my spousal support stops and I would be in a world of hurt. Plus I still care about him and wouldn't want anything to happen.
(0)
Report
I have a couple questions before I answer. Is the retirement community an assisted living? Is she not mobile...why cant she go to the dining room herself? Is the aide employed through an agency?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
dazednconfused Sep 26, 2018
It is not actually assisted living, if you want help it is ala carte. Baths are one item, bringing trays to the room is another (at $25 each!)etc. His mom is semi-mobile but refuses to go to the dining room. She is a hateful woman and while he and I were still married it was always a bone of contention between us. Everyone in her family lives freakin' forever and is mean and crazy. The aide is part of the complex. I think it has been curbed for now but you never know. I understand the dilemma some people have over elder abuse but it should definitely go through proper channels.
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Ask a Question

Subscribe to
Our Newsletter