Pressured to talk to mom; really??
Ok, my mom has been in the nursing home for 2-3 months. I have had people get on my case to see her and talk to her. Keep in mind, that I lived with her my whole life, took care of her for years on end. Like really?? Why guilt trip me into seeing my mom? Why? I know that she's safe and is being taken care of. I'm trying to get my own life together, I'm trying to live without relying on my mom. Of course I love my mom. I always will. But can't I have my own life without having her in it 24/7? She wants to come home and live with me.... If I can't even handle visiting her, how can people expect me to live with her? That's honestly bull. If I didn't love my mom, I wouldn't have taken care of her for so many years. Her guilt tripping me doesn't help, other people pressuring me doesn't help. Last month, I had to go to the hospital twice because of all the stress over mom, had to go on antidepressants for it, also over my anxiety and depression that I've had for YEARS!!!!! Like, 8-10 years, also self harming, suicidal thoughts, I'm trying to get my own life together ....
Now a few days ago, my mom and my cousin came to my house, cousin broke my window, they came in, talked with me, then I find out mom took me off POA, and put him on as the new POA, but with her having dementia, it isn't legal. Then my cousin took my car keys, garage door opener, said he's going to change the house keys, and told me I can't live in the house anymore. Basically, if he becomes the new POA, I might be taken off of everything, car, house, will, money, everything, along with being kicked out of the house. Yes the house is a mess, but I'm trying to clean it up, but with my depression coming and going these past few months, it's so hard to even get out of bed sometimes, let alone to find a job. Yes my mom is elderly I get it, but what about my feelings, my wants, my dreams, what about my life??? Can't I love my mom without her in it 24/7 ??? My cousin got on my case for not talking to her. People pressuring me does not help at all. If I'm repeating myself I'm sorry ... It's just so much has happened.... I thought after mom went back in the nursing home, that I would have some type of peace. I'm 27.... Like I hate it.... I gave up asking for help... because no one wants to get involved in the whole mess ... Being a family caregiver is no joke .... then being POA doesn't help , so your left dealing with legal implications, that no one else wants to deal with or talk about.
As for money .... mom spent almost all her life savings YEARS ago, now we are down to 20 thousand.... after that, we have no money .... So ya it really can't get any worse. I started college a few months back before mom went in the nursing home, but now with all the sh*t, me going back to college, got put on hold . .. I don't know I could go on. I'm just fed up with the whole thing honestly. I'm tired of hearing people tell me they love me, that they will be there for me, then despair when it really hits the fan ... like really??? And yet people wonder why I have trust issues ... Honestly , I'm surprised there isn't more support for family caregivers... Even when they have to put there loved one in a nursing home. I hate it .
Last month before me going in the hospital, I went missing. Not answering the phone, not seeing friends, not talking to mom, not going to the nursing home, like really??? They all wondered why? Come on. No one left me alone when it came to mom. Why keep getting on my case over it , when she's safe . Her safety matter's more to me, then her being happy. I gave up making her happy.
For the last 4 years I did CNA, along with caring for mom. So it was basically caregiving 24/7 ! I know I'm probably talking too much, but honestly I really don't care. I'm at a loss for words .... I basically feel like no matter what I do, I'm f*cked either way.
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You are not obligated to care for your mom. No one can tell you what you have to do for her.
Honestly, I would go to a women's shelter and get some counseling and get on with your life.
You are young enough to overcome all of this, please find a way to get out before she gets home. Because responsibility without authority is not something any family caregiver should ever accept.
Let cuz handle her.
I would talk to an attorney about your cousin suddenly becoming POA. Hopefully your mom has been declared incompetent so that the change would be invalid and maybe he would even be guilty of something like elder abuse for unduly influencing an impaired elder? Just guessing here.
Do not listen to the people that are trying to tell you what to do. It's easy to have opinions but no one what it's been like for you. That's OK, they really don't know, just let it go and do what's best for YOU.
My advice would to let the cousin take control. Get your own place, work on yourself and your own issues... and visit mom when you are up to it.
But honestly... since she's elderly, most people aren't even going to take into consideration how, caring for an elderly parent, what it does to your mental health . Yes, I love my mom, but I needed space from her, like really , if I didn't care about my mom, I wouldn't have lived with her, or taken care of her for so long. The only reason why people are on me about it all now, is because they don't want to deal with it all .
And honestly it's nearly impossible to care for someone, and to also have your own health issues taken care of .
Now I find out, that the nursing home, is going to send mom home. I'm basically stuck with the whole situation . I gave up, having people sympathize with me. Yes the elderly matter, but the stress that family caregivers go through is living hell .
Your basically asking someone, to care for there loved one, go to school , work, and to have their own life, all at the same time. Mom probably called up so many people, friends, family members, making it look like I don't care . The nursing home, probably got tired of it, and told her she's going home .
Family caregivers give up so much . The people that don't go through it, have no idea what it's like . Honestly there should be a better support system out there for family caregivers .
Maybe, they do love and care for you. I'd consider if that was true and accept it, if it is. We need all the love we can get, but, that doesn't mean that they get to boss you. I'd get a professional counselor, because, if you are feeling down and can't get up....it could be depression. Maybe, get a physical. Whatever it takes for self care. You deserve it. Also, keep in mind you have options. So, you do have decisions and control.
Take care of yourself now. Do not visit unless you feel up to it. Don’t you love how all of these people who did nothing to help feel they are entitled to tell you what to do? Grrrrrrr. I dealt with that all the time too.
Sadly, things became so unhealthy with my family that I no longer have a relationship with them. I’m putting the pieces back together too. Our hearts were broken into a million pieces and we deserve to have the time and space to heal.
Please take that time to heal and without guilt. Take care. I’m here if you need to chat further.