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When my grandma first started showing signs of dementia the neighbors and staff of the retirement community she lived in started contacting my mom to get my grandma some help. My mom, who is on medical disability for bipolar disorder, would consistently divert these calls to me and my adult sisters as she was/is mentally/emotionally incapable of dealing with it. It even got to the point where some of my grandma's doctors and community members were threatening to contact APS as our mom would neglect to take care of things or let us step in where help was needed. The staff and community members eventually learned to contact us directly. Our mom has a husband who has stepped in to help maybe 10% of the time, but most of the care has been done by us granddaughters. Mom and step-dad have control of grandma's money as this has been the case for a few years now, starting from before the beginning of the dementia.

There is a constant concern if my grandma is getting the care she needs from our mom and step-dad as there seem to be multiple things that get neglectfully procrastinated once put in their hands. Because of this, most of the physical care has been done by me and my sisters.

Now the decision has been made to have grandma live in assisted living care and a POA is being established. Grandma, who is mentally capable of making decisions though is also easily won over by our mom/step-dad, doesn't seem to realize how much of the care only gets done once it is brought to the attention of us grandchildren. It looks like there is a decision being made to have step-dad's name as the primary Agent on the POA with an option to have one of us sisters listed as secondary.

Our question is, if we have witnessed neglectful behavior from them in the past, is there anyway we can overrule the decision to have us as secondary? Also, if our mom and step-dad get divorced, will he still have primary rights as the primary Agent on the POA? This man has also has a history of mental illness and in manic stages has run up thousands of dollars of debt of their own money, so we are also concerned about him having sole control of our grandmother's. Is there anyway to present this information to the POA attorney to prove that he should not be primary? Is the only way to do this to enter a legal battle with our own mom? Any advice would be so helpful!

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Your best bet is to convince Gramma not to make that assignment in the first place. It is up to her. (Guardianship is supervised by court, but POA is decided by the individual.)

Do you think there is any chance that you could change her mind? Try to do it without making accusations, as that might alienate her. Perhaps approach it from the standpoint of your Mom's mental health. It isn't really fair to place this responsibility in her household.
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Once someone is on a POA of any kind unless there is a new one established they will remain the POA regardless of whether they are still married into the family or not. If she is still competent have someone outside the family discuss with her the family options for POA. A social service agency, local Ombudsman, etc. She may not completly understand the ramifications of it all. To be declared incompetent is not as easy as some may think. It may require a Psych exam and court ruling. A family member cannot declare someone unable to make decisions on their own. It takes professional intervention. Do make a move now before she shows signs of being unable to comprehend thae documents. I have sadly had to deny Notary services as a ptient was not able to tell me that they knew what they were signing. I would not wait to take aggressive action as cases like these can go south quickly and the only remaining means of getting intervention would be throught the courts.

Do not let the fmilay members who have documented mental issues be in charge if at all possible. Your mom's health and safety would be in grave danger should something happen to you. If you are both listed on a POA document it can be 2 ways - as joint decision makers or one is primary and the next one steps in when the primary is unable or unwilling to continue.
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What a mess! You need an elder-law attorney.
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Good idea to look at the professional companies, and ask also, maybe more than one POA? You can tell your mom you don't want to underestimate her but that you feel you have been doing a lot of the emergency work when it was needed, and tell her your concerns, maybe even that during her episodes, you helped out - and that she and husband are aging also, so you want to be on the list of people seen as POA. Prepare a list some of the things that were delayed and procrastinated on, and try to have conversations about these with people in aging care - in other words, get your worries on paper for the purpose of being clear to others, not disrespectful - but offer your services each time as POA.

It's so easy for old customs to be followed in these situations, just because everyone has not considered alternatives and is afraid of insulting or upsetting someone - and I know exactly what it is to do all the work, while managers think they were "over-seeing" but they in fact, just had the title of manager and maybe oversaw on small thing, while I as the child with the responsibility but not the respect, did all the care planning work (for my disabled brother - older brother still manages the money from a distance). The arrangements did not change when I spoke up repeatedly, but the awareness did, mine as well as theirs. I get a monthly stipend now - and send reports of my work - without pressure, but it really helps actually, to get lots of this stuff written down and addressed deliberately and openly, rather than just left to custom - which can easily result in the children or those who see more closely, doing all the work, on top of the frustration of none of their effort being respected.

So I recommend taking notes, being prepared to understand costs - it's a big job - might also be good to have a company do it - but even then, someone often has to call them - but if it is openly challenged, the conversations with multiple parties, can be very helpful. There is an Elder Mediation Company in Lexington MA, who wrote a book on sibling differences, but they do mediations with families - but getting in a mediator is another option. I wouldn't want to insult your mom or her husband, but being honest about what is needed and what parts each can do, and working for the best solution for the long run, is really a helpful process to go through a family.
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I would enlist the help of an Elder Law Attorney, even for an hour, to ask for their advice. It would be money well worth spending. Worse case scenario, you could apply for Guardianship (protects the person) and Conservatorship (manages their finances) through the county court system. There, you can lay out all the facts about why you (and other grandkids) would be the best fit for Grandma, and why your mom / step dad wouldn't.

This should be the last resort, though, as it can be lengthy and costly. In the meantime, talking with Grandma, as others have suggested, would be good. Not sure what her long term memory is like to retain that information and the decision that she makes. Best of luck to you!
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I hope I won't be sorry I asked, but what is your relationship like with your mother and step-father at this point?

Because if it isn't hopeless, an additional line I'd try is to explain to your mother that she and stepfather aren't under any obligation to accept power of attorney, or the workload and stress it involves. It may be - may it? - that your mother wrongly thinks that this is something she has to do for her mother. The fact that she has done the job very badly to date, and the fact that neither she nor your stepfather is reliably competent to continue it, may in her mind not excuse her from "having" to do it. But if so, she's misunderstood and perhaps you'll be able to set her mind at rest.

But I agree that the key point is to help your grandmother think in practical terms about her new POA, and I'd also enlist the ALF's management for back up assuming she thinks well of them.
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Fedup, the OP states in her post that her grandmother is mentally capable of making decisions, so I assume the relevant assessments have been done.
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Family members insisted my 98 year old mother sign an IRREVOCABLE Power of Attorney agreement or they would put her through court proceedings (VERY expensive!) for THEIR Guardianship of her. They live over a thousand miles away! She was furious, broken-hearted, and disgusted with them. It was cruelly exhausting. I watched her energy being sapped! It was her anger that kept her going!
She HAD been hospitalized due to a reaction from PRESCRIBED medications, but, thankfully, had recovered. The couple pushing for Guardianship are both Attorneys, and they were not about to change their minds as she repeatedly requested them to do- not unless she would sign the above document!
Considering what happened with my mother, and reading others' stories, we need to INSIST on more protective legislation for the vulnerable, and controlling POA's - including limiting charges the POA's are allowed to make (and then have the right to take!). In this case, the POA charged $200./hour every time he CLAIMED to have done some minor thing she was still able to do, and continued to do for herself! Her anger never subsided until she died just short of her 100th birthday - and the POA had drained her of $1000.'s, in addition to the Attorneys and court costs she had been forced to pay for the initial court proceedings. ALL Guardianship legal expenses come out of assets of the one for whom Guardianship is being sought! How about THAT law!?!
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So, IF the grandaughters are all in agreement, is their a clear leader amongst you who is willing the be the go-to person? It will take a lot of time, but in many families there is the "obvious choice" (ie the daughter who is the accountant, if she is willing, is the obvious choice to handle the money).
It's a bit touchy in that children (ie your Mom) usually feel responsible for parents, and having their kids step around them feels like a slap in the face but maybe there is some way that all of you can present a united front, kindly, and present it as a solution for long-term. Less ideal would be a formal arrangement where they had fin
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Hope this is helpful. My Father has dentia. His wife of 6 yrs put him in a nursing home. I took him to an attorney and he signed a new POA for me. His wife had nursing home do a compentancy test. He failed due to a lot of it require drawing skills, which my Dad does not have due to strokes on both sides. Went to an elder laywer for guardianship. Two court appointed laywers were assigned to him(free of charge). Inspite of Dad's demtia, they told the court that he was competent because he knew what he wanted, to come home with me. Won the case and Dad is now home with me. Note to you....Dad could not tell new wife to her face but was able to tell his attorneys
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