And why if a love one knows it is not in the best of her well being, you have no ware to turn. a loved one who can, wants and has been her caregiver is taken away from you. Knowing going against her wishes and lying about it. .
I will never understand why having POA makes some people drunk with power. Having POA is not that big of a deal. When I had POA over my dad I would have given it away if I could have. I guess the people who get dictatorial and controlling when they have POA are the ones who abuse it.
If what the POA wants to do is in the best interest of the principle, that is how it is supposed to work.
POA confers important authority, but not nearly as much authority and some POAs seem to think.
Why do they get away with it?
1) No one challenges them 2) They commit fraud and/or other crimes and no one notices or reports them 3) They really are doing what the principle wants, even if it does not appear in the principle's best interest 4) POA is fairly easy to establish and even easier to revoke. Yet the principle wants to continue the dysfunctional relationship.
I agree with Eyerish.. I don't want the job.. When Mom was healthy and I signed I didn't realize what it entailed.. "oh I'll help her pay a few bills".. No big deal.. Ha!
Sometimes it is the exact opposite, having to make decisions you do not want to make. For me, being my mother's DPOA was a nightmare,but it is over. Never again will I agree to take on that kind of responsibility.
My understanding is that as long as my mother is deemed capable of making decisions....even bad decisions...POA gives me the authority to act on her behalf but not against her wishes. So i guess if people do seemingly senseless things, they are either ignoring the limitations of the POA or doing as the principle desires. I think part of my mother's paranoia in the nh right now is she thinks that i am busily selling her houseor whatever. In reality i am wading through years of neglected paperwork looking for necessary documents, clearing up messes, and paying bills and making sure her lawn is mowed
My parents asked me if I would be their POA - reasons being, I'm their oldest child of three, I live next door. My brother lives about 30 +/- miles north of us and my sister lives out west about 5 states away. My brother made it very clear that he wanted no part of caring for anyone and my sister can only come in to do things for 2 weeks to 3 months at a time and made it very clear that things were to be done "her way". I also signed the acceptance paper for their POA. They also asked if I would be their medical advocate and I accepted that responsibility. Since then - I have had nothing but grief from my younger sister and my older half sister (from my father's previous marriage). They have made a surprise visit to see if our father was being properly taken care of (he was - hospice and visiting Dr's). After the surprise visit I got a call from the abuse line - they had an anon. call that he wasn't being taken care of. I invited them out to have a look and to meet the other care-takers. Oh no they were satisfied this was just a call to cause problems in the family and I was told that if it continued I could file a complaint with them. Next was a welfare check by a local policeman - he just shook his head and chuckled as he left the house (waste of police time). We've lived in the same community and on the same property for over 60 yrs. I've stuck to what my parents wanted for their end of life care - to die in their own home, to not be kept on life support, to be kept comfortable or as comfortable as possible. My father passed 2 yrs ago and my Mom now has Dementia and being a very independent, self-centered individual hasn't made things the easiest, but we are getting along pretty good. I have brought hospice back in because I needed some respite as well whenever we would go anywhere she became very upset when we got home because she didn't recognize the home she has lived in for the majority of her adult life. She cannot be left alone anymore at all and the helper I had for my Dad graciously agreed to stay on to help with Mom. Her and Mom get along like 2 peas in a pod - I love to just sit and listen to them burbling along in the other room like 2 best friends. A person can give up the POA - they do not need to accept it. That is why there is an acceptance page with a POA. My sister threatened to get a guardianship for both Mom and I - she would have to drag the 2 of us to court to prove that we were both incompetent of which I'm not. I told her to go for it. Never heard another word. That has been my experience - I moved in with my folks 3 years ago and have a house sitter in my home to take care of my horses and cats while I'm at my folks house.
I am POA for my brother-in-law. My sister passed away, my BIL drank himself silly and chooses to do nothing to help himself. My sister died with thousands of dollars in credit card debt. She did everything for him, he did nothing for himself. Once we have waded through this mess, I am going to stand back and let him do it himself. He is really not in his right mind, a manic depressive. His family wants nothing to do with him (only his money). I have tried to do what I think is best for him, but he is very manipulative, threatening to commit suicide when things don't go his way. He is in very bad health, but I am sure he will outlive me even though he is 16 years older than me. I had no idea what kind of person he is. My sister enabled his drinking and childish behavior. He is narcisstic and dramatic. I've never dealt with a man like this. He is so life-draining. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. It's been 4 months and he is not doing anything to improve his situation.
Before you take on the role of caregiver for someone, have all their legal documents reviewed. Be sure you are made POA and the health care advocate before you take on the role. An out of town POA or Advocate can make your job hell. Some people want the power but not the responsibility of being a caretaker.
From what I've seen on this site, those that want POA but not to be a caretaker are just interested in controlling and preserving their inheritance. We have POA and caregiving and there's not much of an estate involved so our only problem has been the lack of interest and concern by the other siblings once we took responsibility. Like assandache7, it started with just paying her bills before she lost everything, but has morphed into total responsibility for every aspect of her welfare. Be careful before signing POA.
I understand. It's really a matter of education. There can be several levels for a POA such as medical vs financial. Regardless - people tend to forget or not understand that POA also ends at death, therefore all of the next of kin unless you are in a state that allows the deceased to have previously assigned a guardian rather than a family member to oversee the funeral. What is frustrating is when there is an out of town POA who is out of touch with those who are involved on a daily basis.
Being POA does not give someone 100% control over every aspect of the principle's life. Generally it only involves handling financial and household respinsibilities. They can't ban someone else from coming in to provide physical caregiving. And it may not include being the one to make medical decisions. Im lucky in that there are six of us siblings. #1 is developmentally disabled and also fighting cancer, #2, me, is physically disabled. #3 doesnt want anything to do with care but stirs up trouble whenever she can. #4 lives a six hour drive away but spends two weeks a year giving the rest of us a break. #5 has medical POA because she works in the medical field and was deemed the best informed. #6 moved in with mom and is POA over financial/household matters. A few grandkids and mom's sister also pitch in. What helps most is having regularly scheduled family meetings where concerns are discussed and caregiving schedule is arranged. We came up with this plan with the guidance of a counselor from the hospital hospice program. Prior to that there were a lot of arguments and miscommunication as well as confusion over who had what duties. I suggest talking to a local resource, from hospice, your parent's medical group, or local adult & aging program. They wont make decisions but can help mediate and guide your family into coming up with a workable plan for care.
I am an only child and POA for my dad. He is almost 96 and in AL memory care under Hospice care. Whatever I have done for him using the POA has been done for his benefit. I also ran every decision by hid elder care attorney to ensure that I was doing the right thing for him. Drunk with power? I think not. I am the person who gets the calls from AL that he fell and off to the hospital I go. I can't see how anyone could abuse the POA. Maybe there's some hard feelings about who was given the power?
Lucysmom, obviously not all POAs are not drunk with power. I wasn't. You aren't. But that does not eliminate the very real possibility for abuse. It happens.
My mother never appointed a POA. The nursing home asked us (her 4 daughters -- 3 sons were minimally involved) to designate the order in which we should be contacted. So even without an official POA someone gets the calls to decide about dietary supplements or to minor medical treatments, or to decide about hospice care.
finalfree369, could you give us more information. I see from your profile you are taking care of your grandmother in her own home. Is grandmother the person you are referring in your above post? Who is grandmother's POA? Her son or daughter?
What specially is the POA doing that you do not like? Is grandmother moving to a higher level of care facility? Were there changes in her caregivers? Where you removed as a caregiver because of a move, thus the house needs to be sold?
Anneom, you are so right about being a POA is like taking on a second job. I look around my home office and there are bins after bins of paper that needs to be sorted through and filed, plus dozens of 3-ring binds with financial information. Plus now I need to deal with selling my parent's house, after I finish up removing the contents which has been taking me over 3 months and I am still not through. In the mean time I have been ignoring my own house.
I am too old to be taking on this landslide of extra work. If I was 20 years younger I wouldn't have mind. I am a senior citizen myself with my own age related declines, I feel like I need to be in Assisted Living myself after this :P
I'd be more than happy to hand this job over to someone else.... oh wait, I can't, I am an only child. Just have to grin and bear it, if I live through it.
I have had POA, both medical and durable, for both parents for over 4 years. We've had some issues but solved them. First thing, as others have said, POA can only be used for those aspects of life that the person is not capable of doing or deciding/processing. With my parents, it was bill paying to start with. Dad had dementia, and lost the ability. Mom had really never done it and had limited intelligience for financial stuff. As Dad got worse, Mom was not able to handle him....was not really even feeding him. They were on parallel lives in their home. NOW, I know it's cause Mom also had Alzheimer's. So Dad needed placement. Big fight and arguements from Mom. Angry at our RN daughter, who was there at time of placement, but doing what myself, as POA, was asking her to do, as I was out of town. Daughter was Mom's Medical POA, as the second choice after me. Mom demanded that daughter's name be removed and other granddaughter's name be in place. She was able to make such a decision, even though not really necessary nor the best one, but since I am also an RN and was first on the list, I agreed to the change. I consider and ask for Mom's opinions about decisions, WHEN she can handle that type of situation, but when her opinions are absolutely disasterous...as in, I don't need any caregivers in here with me, but we can see that she is not eating, is driving when she should not be, is not taking meds right that are intended to keep her breathing, is drinking too much and stumbling around the house in the evening alone.....well, then, she's not able to decide about caregivers. She gets overruled. Now that we know about Alzheimer's with a diagnosis, even though she doesn't believe she has it, I have assumed more control of decisions that are best. My Dad has died, no family left in her town, so the decision was made that we needed to sell the house and she needed to move into assisted living or another situation. She was given a timeframe to look at places with me, and to continue choices....assisted living somewhere near me, or move to WA state and live with RN daughter and family, who space and time and multiple family members to help her for the rest of her life. What she wants is to be in my home with me, and live with me as a siamese twin. Not possible, as I have a husband with Parkinson's and they have never gotten along aside from just being polite. He would never agree to her moving in because she knows no boundaries to give us our space, even when visiting. IF she feels like walking in our bedroom when the door is closed, her opinion is that I am her daughter and she has that right!! She sees herself as more important than he is and that my loyalty should be towards her over him because SHE is 'family' and he is just married to me! She has said this years ago, when she had her best mind working....so no way would she come into our home. She hates her assisted living, though she chose it, it's two miles away, where the others are 30 miles or more away, and I visit everyday, and she has a full apartment with her own furniture, rather than just a room and a bath etc. It's like the Hilton as compared to what else is available around here....but she doesn't want to be there, won't join in any activities and won't eat in the dining room with others. She's not 'like those old people' !! ( She is 90, walks with a walker, is on oxygen and has many many health problems, so in reality, she is worse than most of those other 'old people', but she refuses to see it!!) So, at any rate....with POA, you permit decisions that they can handle or are not dangerous for them, but you take over, generally more and more as time goes on. Yes....it's like having another child and a second job! It is by far, harder than anything I've done in my life and I am beyond stressed. I often during a year, have to use her money to fly my RN daughter in to be there for Mom, while I am bogged down with deadlines on applications...like for Medicaid or VA Aid and Attendance or other issues that I, with the assistance of the eldercare lawyer office, must deal with...while Mom is demanding my time to do nonsense stuff like soak her feet, or buy her special food or watch lawerence welk with her weekly so she's not alone. Multiple constant dr. appointments and constant medical decisions about what to do next, or do we stop dealing with this or that. She's had a fall, surgery, rehab all within 3 weeks of moving here to AL...with lots of medical stuff....just as I was applying for Aid and Attendance. It's more than one person can handle, especially with a home and a husband, and his own health issues. Our other daughter, lives just a few hours away, and she comes to help me organize, file, clean things up around here, keep my own business and home going....and now we have all the parents household stuffed packed into 3 storage rooms up here, after finally selling the home, and we must sort through all that stuff
A healthcare POA gives a trustworthy friend or family member (called the agent) the ability to make healthcare decisions about a person's (called the principal) care if they are unable to do so. A financial POA gives an agent the ability to make financial decisions for a person if they are unable to do so.
For comparison purposes, Fricker likens healthcare POAs to guardianships and financial POAs to conservatorships. The primary difference between these two types of appointments is that, with a POA, an individual can decide in advance who they want their agent to be if they become incapable of making decisions for themselves. Conservators and guardians are court-appointed individuals.
What can a POA do?
The powers of an agent aren't limitless. Here are a few examples of the kinds of decisions each type of POA can make.
In the name of the principal, a healthcare agent can decide:
What medical care they receive. (This is also dependent on the financial means of the person in need of care and the approval of the financial POA) Where they live What they eat Who bathes them
In the name of the principal, a financial agent can: Pay for health care and housing needs File taxes Pay bills Make investment decisions
The Uniform POA Act Some states have adopted the recently-created, Uniform Power Of Attorney Act (UPOAA). This law sets up some basic ground rules for POA contracts. It determines which powers are included in the document by default, and which need to be explicitly addressed.
Among other things, the UPOAA mandates that: A POA is valid and durable as soon as it's signed. According to Fricker, this provision is important because it gives a principal the flexibility to decide how involved they want their agent to be while they are still in possession of their faculties. For example, a financial agent could handle the day-to-day tasks of paying bills and buying food, while the principal continues to make their own investment and major purchasing decisions.
Remember why the person who granted a POA to someone. They trusted that person to act on their behalf. You may not know all the reasons why a POA does something, but being a POA carries HUGE responsibilities and those should not be taken lightly. Instead of complaining, try to accept the decisions that person has made in making the (offending) POA. Make an effort to see the POA's side of things.
The POA over my mother is drunk with power. She controls Mom's every movement, who she can visit with, what you say to Mom, what is in the letters to Mom, and on and on.
It's hard to know, without knowing you, how to answer this question. Siblings often disagree about what is "best" for their parents. Elderly parents often suffer from cognitive problems, and sometimes POA's must go against their wishes if they believe it is in their parent's best interest. As long as the parent's funds are being used for their care and general upkeep, there is a lot of leeway in how things can be allocated.
The problem would be if funds were being diverted or planning was made that benefits the POA financially. That does not mean POA's can't make decisions that limits their own personal financial burden.
I've completely regretted getting POA for my husband's parents. It has cost us more both financially and mentally, than we ever could have imagined. On top of that, we get tons of grief from his sibling about how we handle things. His sibling is not in a position to help, though she acts as if she could. She wouldn't last 5 minutes. I'd be gleeful to turn it over to her if we could.
Thanks for the advice caringson12. My sister decided to be POA, without speaking to either out older brother or me. She bought Mom's house at a steal, and charged her $500 rent, when her mortgage had been $300, with $3k to pay it off which would have been a point of pride for Mom. Since it was;t safe for Mom to live there alone (which was evidently part of the purchase 'deal') I (local middle child daughter) was 'told' I had two weeks to 'get her out of there' as sister was losing money on the arrangement. (Meanwhile I was there every weekend cleaning, washing, gardening, woodchopping, shower-assisting, etc.) Mom moved in with me, and then 'visited' her fully furnished house for two years on weekends for a few hours, while paying the 'rent' because she felt sorry for my sister, who was having trouble 'unloading' it. Sister is still POA. Mom is with me, going on year six. 93 years of age, dementia, can't walk, heart trouble. I filed for VA pension, Dad was WWII. It took a few years, but approval came. Stipend is $1,149. a month. AID AND ATTENDANCE, which of course, means me, since I cannot work (even from home) due to the intensive nature of the caregiving. (Chiro 3x week just finished, now radiation, 3x week + other docs; bathing, all chores, etc.) Mom told me not to tell sister about VA pension, then recently decided to tell her. It's in a different bank, mine, separate account, with her permission and blessing. I'm second on POA paperwork, and this is all I handle. Mom's SS is in another bank, joint with my sister, she handles all co-pays on docs, and is the be-all end-all for this account. I really don't care, she likes to be in control of things. It's additional paperwork for me, as all bills come here (since the docs insist they go to Mom's legal residence) so I have to scan and email. Here's the kicker: I quite my full time $48K job as cemetery counselor to attend to my sisters needs in 2009, when sister informed me she needed a bone marrow transplant. I was to move temporarily to Cleveland since she could not be released from hospital unless she had a full time in home aid. (Married, no kids) This illness had been known for five years, during which time she had decided not to be on speaking terms with me. She insists Mom not be approved for Medicaid. I have had NO RESPITE in the over five years Mom is here except for three hours paid by my sister last year to 'test the waters' (I was still onsite, Mom was just seeing if she 'liked' the person) with a rest person; five hours when sister visited in February, and past month we were finally approved for nine hours a week through Elder Options (state) but it was immediately cut to four hours, since THERE's NO FUNDING. IN FIVE AND A HALF YEARS, that's been my 'break' to make a quick run to the grocery store. SO, friends here, if sister is out of state and RECENTLY HOSPITALIZED AGAIN FOR CHEMO AND INFUSIONS, and Mom LOVES HERE, and the AID AND ATTENDANCE PAYS FOR THE UTILITIES, CAR AND GAS (I paid my house off in 2004) CAN SHE GET HER HANDS ON IT? I have nothing for lawyers, and hope it doesn't come to that. I took out measly 401K in 2009 to keep my home afloat while I was in Cleveland to care for sister nine months. (My adult children looked in on grandma- she was still at her place 45mi away then.) Please- anyone- if you can give me any positive feedback - very uncomfortable now. AND EXHAUSTED. Thanks.
I had POA for my ex husband..His daughter was named successor if I could not take on the responsibility....His siblings threatened and harassed me and finallyI revoked my POA..Since then the Daughter has made false allegations against me and the Assisted living facility has refused to let me take him off the Premises... Now the ALF has banned me from visiting him...His family lives miles away and no one except me has been visiting him or brings items for Personal care..He has lived with me after our Divorce and we have been together for 35 years...I have had not help from any agency or the Ombudsman for the facility.
How much power a POA has in Minnesota depend upon which boxes are checked. One of the options was to give the final say on decisions to the POA even if it disagreed with what the granters thought best. My friends knew they couldn't keep all the facts together in making decisions and gave me the authority to decide what was best. Our 40 year friendship developed deep trust and caring for the basis of this granting of authority. It's a big job to go through all their stuff and figure out the best way to dispose of things to sell their condo, but no one else would do this but a long time, trusted friend. I consider it an honor and as I work with their things, I get the sense that the now deceased wife is with me--something I never conceived of happening. It brings back good feelings and memories of our long friendship and what she was like. I don't tell the husband about all I am doing on his behalf because it would burden him to know. He is happy in his memory care apartment and is doing what he most enjoys at this stage of his dementia--eating good meals with his new found friends, watching TV reruns of Bonanza, Gunsmoke, Judge Judy, the news, and reading his daily newspaper. That he is content is what I had hoped for.
Just FYI, most POA documents are only valid and in effect when the person can no longer make decisions for themselves. Some people prefer to just hand everything over for their POA to handle BUT unless they are determined to lack capacity, they win and their own decision must be honored.
i have been looking after my mum for 15 years and now she is in a nursing home . i dont know where the poeple with poa wont let me see her they claim ive been abusing her but thats not so she is alone and scared with out me i love her and feel terribly sorry for her because two people she trusted has lied and schemed to get her estate . the house is already up for sale 29 days after admission to a nursing home . i need to be with her and she needs me the others are rubbing their hands together waiting to get her money but they never ever did anything for her never so help me god.
Cleverdish, that sounds like an awful situation! A couple of points for you to consider:
You have more power in this situation than you allow yourself. Do not let your sister manipulate you for her personal benefit.
As long as your mother has not been declared incompetent to make decisions for herself, she can create a new Power of Attorney at any time. It will replace any POAs dated before it. I didn't have to go to a lawyer for the POA we have for my MIL. I just googled it and my state, and a usable one came up. I printed it out, and had it signed by her in front of a notary. I've used it all over the place, and never had a problem. You can also go online to Legalzoom or another similar site, and get a document generated for a reasonable fee.
I know there is a chance that she cannot change her POA anymore because of her dementia. I'll continue with more info, just in case she can or in case it might help someone else.
There are a few designations to consider. If you don't want to take on all the responsibilities involved in a POA, your mother can designate certain POA powers to you as individuals, and also make certain powers so you must act "jointly."
For example, if your mother would have said that in matters of real estate, you must act jointly, then you would have BOTH had to sign off on any real estate transactions. So, it would be useful in these situations to take everything into consideration and talk to one's parent about the reasoning for dividing or putting checks on powers.
From the point of view of someone who is a POA, it is much less preferable to share powers with siblings under a POA. It can get very contentious and create more problems. Still, requiring multiple people to sign off on certain things can keep any one individual from abusing power.
In your instance, which is after the fact, if your mother cannot change her POA you may be able to get legal help for free through a state program or the VA. The arrangement where your mother is paying rent to live in her house that she was made to sign over is incredibly suspect and possibly illegal. Seek out qualified legal advice in your state. Check with your local or county social services department to see what might be available to you that you can afford. You may be able to get help for free not for you, but for your mother.
In the mean time, I would NOT put my life on hold and go to Cleveland to care for your sister. There are plenty of people who don't have a family member to provide them with 'round the clock care. The social worker at the hospital will help your sister come up with other arrangements, like staying in a Nursing Rehab facility for as long as she needs care. Don't let her manipulate you into this.
POA confers important authority, but not nearly as much authority and some POAs seem to think.
Why do they get away with it?
1) No one challenges them
2) They commit fraud and/or other crimes and no one notices or reports them
3) They really are doing what the principle wants, even if it does not appear in the principle's best interest
4) POA is fairly easy to establish and even easier to revoke. Yet the principle wants to continue the dysfunctional relationship.
Im lucky in that there are six of us siblings. #1 is developmentally disabled and also fighting cancer, #2, me, is physically disabled. #3 doesnt want anything to do with care but stirs up trouble whenever she can. #4 lives a six hour drive away but spends two weeks a year giving the rest of us a break. #5 has medical POA because she works in the medical field and was deemed the best informed. #6 moved in with mom and is POA over financial/household matters.
A few grandkids and mom's sister also pitch in.
What helps most is having regularly scheduled family meetings where concerns are discussed and caregiving schedule is arranged.
We came up with this plan with the guidance of a counselor from the hospital hospice program. Prior to that there were a lot of arguments and miscommunication as well as confusion over who had what duties.
I suggest talking to a local resource, from hospice, your parent's medical group, or local adult & aging program. They wont make decisions but can help mediate and guide your family into coming up with a workable plan for care.
My mother never appointed a POA. The nursing home asked us (her 4 daughters -- 3 sons were minimally involved) to designate the order in which we should be contacted. So even without an official POA someone gets the calls to decide about dietary supplements or to minor medical treatments, or to decide about hospice care.
What specially is the POA doing that you do not like? Is grandmother moving to a higher level of care facility? Were there changes in her caregivers? Where you removed as a caregiver because of a move, thus the house needs to be sold?
I am too old to be taking on this landslide of extra work. If I was 20 years younger I wouldn't have mind. I am a senior citizen myself with my own age related declines, I feel like I need to be in Assisted Living myself after this :P
I'd be more than happy to hand this job over to someone else.... oh wait, I can't, I am an only child. Just have to grin and bear it, if I live through it.
The two types of POA
First, It's important to distinguish between the two main types of POA: healthcare and financial.
A healthcare POA gives a trustworthy friend or family member (called the agent) the ability to make healthcare decisions about a person's (called the principal) care if they are unable to do so. A financial POA gives an agent the ability to make financial decisions for a person if they are unable to do so.
For comparison purposes, Fricker likens healthcare POAs to guardianships and financial POAs to conservatorships. The primary difference between these two types of appointments is that, with a POA, an individual can decide in advance who they want their agent to be if they become incapable of making decisions for themselves. Conservators and guardians are court-appointed individuals.
What can a POA do?
The powers of an agent aren't limitless. Here are a few examples of the kinds of decisions each type of POA can make.
In the name of the principal, a healthcare agent can decide:
What medical care they receive. (This is also dependent on the financial means of the person in need of care and the approval of the financial POA)
Where they live
What they eat
Who bathes them
In the name of the principal, a financial agent can:
Pay for health care and housing needs
File taxes
Pay bills
Make investment decisions
The Uniform POA Act
Some states have adopted the recently-created, Uniform Power Of Attorney Act (UPOAA). This law sets up some basic ground rules for POA contracts. It determines which powers are included in the document by default, and which need to be explicitly addressed.
Among other things, the UPOAA mandates that:
A POA is valid and durable as soon as it's signed. According to Fricker, this provision is important because it gives a principal the flexibility to decide how involved they want their agent to be while they are still in possession of their faculties. For example, a financial agent could handle the day-to-day tasks of paying bills and buying food, while the principal continues to make their own investment and major purchasing decisions.
The problem would be if funds were being diverted or planning was made that benefits the POA financially. That does not mean POA's can't make decisions that limits their own personal financial burden.
I've completely regretted getting POA for my husband's parents. It has cost us more both financially and mentally, than we ever could have imagined. On top of that, we get tons of grief from his sibling about how we handle things. His sibling is not in a position to help, though she acts as if she could. She wouldn't last 5 minutes. I'd be gleeful to turn it over to her if we could.
revoked my POA..Since then the Daughter has made false allegations against me and the Assisted living facility has refused to let me take him off the Premises...
Now the ALF has banned me from visiting him...His family lives miles away and no one except me has been visiting him or brings items for Personal care..He has lived with me after our Divorce and we have been together for 35 years...I have had not help from any agency or the Ombudsman for the facility.
You have more power in this situation than you allow yourself. Do not let your sister manipulate you for her personal benefit.
As long as your mother has not been declared incompetent to make decisions for herself, she can create a new Power of Attorney at any time. It will replace any POAs dated before it. I didn't have to go to a lawyer for the POA we have for my MIL. I just googled it and my state, and a usable one came up. I printed it out, and had it signed by her in front of a notary. I've used it all over the place, and never had a problem. You can also go online to Legalzoom or another similar site, and get a document generated for a reasonable fee.
I know there is a chance that she cannot change her POA anymore because of her dementia. I'll continue with more info, just in case she can or in case it might help someone else.
There are a few designations to consider. If you don't want to take on all the responsibilities involved in a POA, your mother can designate certain POA powers to you as individuals, and also make certain powers so you must act "jointly."
For example, if your mother would have said that in matters of real estate, you must act jointly, then you would have BOTH had to sign off on any real estate transactions. So, it would be useful in these situations to take everything into consideration and talk to one's parent about the reasoning for dividing or putting checks on powers.
From the point of view of someone who is a POA, it is much less preferable to share powers with siblings under a POA. It can get very contentious and create more problems. Still, requiring multiple people to sign off on certain things can keep any one individual from abusing power.
In your instance, which is after the fact, if your mother cannot change her POA you may be able to get legal help for free through a state program or the VA. The arrangement where your mother is paying rent to live in her house that she was made to sign over is incredibly suspect and possibly illegal. Seek out qualified legal advice in your state. Check with your local or county social services department to see what might be available to you that you can afford. You may be able to get help for free not for you, but for your mother.
In the mean time, I would NOT put my life on hold and go to Cleveland to care for your sister. There are plenty of people who don't have a family member to provide them with 'round the clock care. The social worker at the hospital will help your sister come up with other arrangements, like staying in a Nursing Rehab facility for as long as she needs care. Don't let her manipulate you into this.