POA has denied me access to my mother's room at the nursing center. Can this be legal?

Katiekay my Mom has bee at the private nursing center since October 2014 when her residence was condemned. My sister made the decision to put my Mom in a nursing center a year ago when she was standing with 75% assistance.

Bd should be they - typo.

Ohjude my Mom is at a private nursing center where the SW makes up rules as he goes along and the administration will not oversee the SW as he has told me I can not see my mother in her room and I can only see her 12-5pm while the nursing center is open 8am-8pm. SW and Nurse L would not allow me to see my Mom at all Sunday saying two (sleep per Nurse L and sick per SW) different lies as I have been visiting my Mom for over a year sleep or sick and after and before hours. I know LucyCW wants me to understand that the private mursing center should be my Mom's home but I don't trust them as they tell me lies Bd disregard me as my Mom's daughter while holding a POA over me head so I can't say, do, or be told anything about my mother.

katiekay et al: To clarify, Momlover will visit her mom and use the words that LucyCW suggested for her "Your ARE home". This is a very positive step forward, a very healing move for ML and her mom.

Im confused..so your mom is now living at your home now? On one post you say you will visit your mom then on the next that your mom is home??

Why are you putting blame with the nursing staff and nursing center? The are required to follow the directions of your mother's POA who happens to be yoir sister. You issues should be directed at your sister, not those who are caring for her. Didn't you have a court date yesterday on your petition for guardianship or did I make a mistake on the date?

Ohjude I will try to visit my Mom everyday but I missed yesterday and I will use LucyCW "protocol."

Countrymouse I have had no disregard for care plans. Where did you get that idea. Most seriously my mother's leg has been broken under the care of this nursing center and the nurses L & A have dishonest to me in terms of her care. For instance, my sister POA told me the day after Christmas when my family and CNAs refused to help me with transport to and from the car that my mother was fine but my sister POA said the nurses told her that my Mom was unresponsive and on her way to the hospital in an ambulance - my heart dropped and I raced to the private nursing center where I saw my Mom's ambulance. The ambulance personnel told me I could ride up front, but Nurse L who has left bed locks off my mother's bed and interfered when I tried to take my mother on visits, ran down to the ambulance and said she would call the police on me if I didn't get out of the ambulance. Most recently, my Mom said she fell out of the bed and broke her leg at the same time I was denied access to her room and her roommate of two told me her ribs were being checked before my sister took her to the hospital and Nurse L would not tell me anything accept she wasn't there as my sister called me yelling about HIPAA laws because I was texting family Mom's condition. My sister didn't tell nor the private nursing center would tell me my sister took my Mom to be fitted for a cast 1/14/16. I had to text my sister to find out she had my Mom. It is not me breaking rules and trust. It is my sister POA and nursing center nurses L & A.

You will visit Mum yet Mum is home? Whose home?

LucyCW sorry you had to spill your guts for my comprehension and I will visit my Mom as often as possible and be sure she gets your suggested " ...warmth, security, and medical heIp at the touch of a button." I will "... cherish her by the stroke of a hand, a gentle hug and loving words." My Mom is home😂😂😂 Oh my God my God my Mom is home😂😂😂😂😂

Thank you ML for your apology. Hi Debdaughter, I think between my beloved SO, my internal community and my determination to be someone I'd like as a friend I/we get through. That said good therapy absolutely has it's place. Though unconditional love from fur babies helps too :~)

It is certainly evident to me what a judge's decision will be. A person who has already been barred from visitation in some form has an extremely long way to go to show that they are psychologically stable and can be trusted with the care of an elderly person. They need organized thinking, the ability to view a situation for the ward's best interest as determined by the state. Their reputation among other family members must be that of a respected person. These become almost absolute barriers to obtaining responsibility through the courts.

Momlover I am begging you to double check on Catholic Charities. No, the service is not free, it is billed to IL Medicaid. IL Medicaid is not paying CC. They won't be able to help you!!!
Next time you visit mom, see if you can actually change a diaper. It will be an illuminating experience.

Without getting into any more conflict, I would absolutely accept the supervised visitation for you with mom right now and try to see the other points of view, Sadly, your deepest and most loving wishes that things could be different will not make them so.

wow, Lucy, amazing; wonder if it goes to show that therapy's not needed or are you just an exception - maybe it was that wonderful man you met; so sorry for what happened there

LucyCW thank you for telling me how your BIL eats different on different days. I am glad you are trying to support me and not agree with me . I plan to spend quality time with my Mom as you all suggest.

LucyCW I am truly sorry for any hurt feelings I have caused you. You are a phenomenal woman.

ML am I being paranoid? Or are you ignoring me? Mmmm, well I'm going to guess you're ignoring me and doing so because you can not afford to answer me for then you'd acknowledge on some level what I write.
So we should put ourselves in your shoes, ok. You put yourself in anyone of ours.
People who love and care every bit (and more) for their loved ones as you for yours. People who spend their very precious time trying to help and support you.
Do you really believe that God is going to be happy with the way that you are treating people here on this forum? If you're a Christian then you are aware that these people are His children too! Though as we can so clearly see you are as rude and dismissive of siblings (earthly or spiritually) as you are of most people.
One thing that deeply concerns me with regard to you having any contact with Mum is your impatience. People with Dementia try the patience of a Saint, remember I not only care for a dementia sufferer I am one, and I try my own patience at times! How can I say your impatient? All your typos! You send without stopping to read through first and correct.
The fact you find it insulting to be advised to seek professional help for your very obvious mental issues is insulting to, every bit as bad as racism.
I have mental health issues as well as extreme physical problems, personally I don't tend to give info about these. Just this once however as this seems to be how you set credentials for being able to have an opinion I will.
Anyone who reads on Please Be Aware What Follows Is Disturbing.................

OK, ML my cards on the table, lets see if you'll do 2 mins in my shoes.
I was born 6 weeks prem and expected not to survive, that was before I was removed from hospital 2 days after my birth. At 10 days visited by Uncle who had to return down stairs for his coat as it was so cold upstairs. I was lying in a drawer marked "B" stark naked on newspaper with no covers. He didn't report this to anyone or mention it for 40 years. My 2nd birthday present was to be abused on every single level by both parents. My M told me that I "clearly don't love (your) Daddy, it never hurts me when he shares special love." It always hurt and I believed I didn't love him no matter how I tried. I was then passed amongst their friends for their pleasure. At age 4 I was given sole charge of my 10 day old baby brother. Our "home" was a room without curtains, carpet or furniture. We had piles of newspapers for toys, toilet (nappies in his case), bedding. Food was scarce, though he got more as he was a boy. I was told I'd go to prison for life if I told or he died. This continued for 10 years accompanied by regular beatings and things no one needs to read. Aged 10 we were rescued when a new neighbour reported not seeing us come out to play. This despite my having been admitted to hospital at age 8 after overdosing on aspirin and saying I wanted to die, I was returned to parental care. Into Children's home set up, more food and no beatings but otherwise no change in abuse, now staff + parents, friends in holidays. Aged 12 - 16 respite, having been assessed as Educationally Subnormal (severely mentally retarded) I was sent to a boarding school for Maladjusted girls and I thrived. Only abused during school holidays, I was in Heaven. Fostered at 16, told I had to choices live with this family or spend the rest of my life in a straight jacket in a padded cell ~ easy choice. I worked full time 5 days a week 8am - 4:30pm, Sat 8am -12pm apprenticed to Council Parks & Gardens, hard physical labour. Breakfast 1 slice of dry toast and mug of black tea, packed lunch was 2 slices of bread, slice of meat and either a tomato or 2 lettuce leaves. Evening meal was same size portion as a healthy 4 year old. Biological M was obese and Foster M didn't want me going same way. Before and after work I took care of Foster parents baby daughter born 6 months before I turned 16. I left school with no qualifications (obviously given assessment) within 1 year I had "o" level English Language & English Literature from studying night class 2 nights. Still taking care of baby and running home. FM continued to have children, I continued to care for them, run house, work and study. Until age 18 I was ra*ed at a party, only time I ever said "no" I wasn't listened too. Didn't know I was pregnant (didn't actually know facts of life at all). Went to Dr because I felt ill (I'd been stealing food to supplement what I was allowed, FM had my wages). Was shocked to find I was 5.05 months pregnant, Dr. was shocked I didn't know how, for first time I told someone about my life as a child. She told me the facts of life. I didn't tell anyone, thought it might just go away so life continued. When I was 6 month pregnant I fell down stairs at work having tripped at top. Taken to hospital and told that my baby had died, as I had a small pelvis and would need c-section for further pregnancies I was told I was to give birth naturally. I was terrified because I'd been told all my childhood if I had a child with someone other than Father or Brother it would be a 2 headed monster. My beautiful baby girl was born after 72 hour labour with no pain relief, "I was a single Mum so didn't need it, I'd done the crime & had the pleasure, now was payback do the time." My baby was actually taken away the moment she was born and I was told not to look because I'd have other proper children. I believed the story I'd been brought up on. An Angel in the guise of a lovely Nurse brought me my daughter wrapped in a tea towel and we had 5 minutes together. She had gone but I told her she was loved and beautiful which she was. Thick dark hair and her thumb in her mouth, no trace of her father. I went home 12 hours after her birth and took up the household reins again. My pregnant FM told me I was a whore and to move out but not far as her children needed looking after. Fast forward I married at 22, a man I lived with for 6 months. Despite us both being committed Christians I needed to know I could be "a wife" after my childhood most of which was still a secret. 3 hours after our Wedding he hit me for the first time and did so for the next 10 years. I miscarried 8 times, never getting beyond 3 months. I worked full time at poorly paid jobs as these were all he'd allow. Studied as long as I was there when he came home and home was run properly this was my reward. One day I was given papers to fill in to apply for University (I now had 5 "o" levels, 3 GCSE and 3 "A" levels) I knew I'd never get accepted so I filled in forms and got a place in Canterbury (Kent, UK) Christchurch University reading a BAed in Religious Studies and Education. I bought myself driving lessons out of my grant which meant returning to not eating. After my stillbirth my weight had rocketed up and it was the only thing I fought for. I bought car and one day defied my husband and took it out, on returning he hit me once ~ knocking my eye out and almost losing me my sight. He left because for the first time my injuries were obvious and he was a pillar of church life. Speeding on I met the man who was to be my reason for living, my wonderful SO 19 years my senior. After 20 far from easy years he proposed and finally I said yes. He died without warning 4 months to the day after our engagement and 10 months to the day before our Wedding. I made 8 attempts to join him, not only failing but amazingly doing no physical harm to my body. Now I care for my BIL and my furry family. I have Fibromyalgia, Myofacial pain, Arthritis, Asthma, Occluded Spina Bifida, COPD, PTSD, Chronic fatigue, Reynaud's, Sjogrens, Crohn's, Diverticulitis, Palmar fascia, Carpal tunnel, DID, Depression and DLB probably other stuff I've forgotten :~) So ML I have my credentials laid out for you. Despite what I suffered at the hands of both my "parents" I stayed in touch throughout their lives and when they needed help I gave it and arranged funerals. I continued care of my brother despite adult intervention when he was 5, I knew adults could not be trusted. I helped him raise his baby and toddler sons when wife left them. I continued to raise FM's children, she left when youngest of 4 was 12 because she "needed me time."
Despite what's happened I've tried to be a caring, compassionate human being. I don't have a "Why me?" attitude rather a why not me? What's so special about me I should get an easy ride?
When I ask here on this forum for help I am incredibly grateful for the time people take out of their busy lives to read and respond to me. If I was repeatedly, gently advised that I was misreading things I'd go back and reread everything said. I have mental health issues, be amazing if I didn't but I'm unfortunately in a country that doesn't have a good structure for dealing with them and for the most part I muddle through.
ML You have resources to help you in your mental health, Please use them.
You are able to have a relationship with your Mum, ok It's not exactly what you want, whose is? You have it and you're running out of time. She doesn't need outings for quality of life. She does need warmth, security, medical help at the touch of a button. She needs to be cherished by a stroked hand, a gentle hug, loving words. Can You for one nanno second see the hurt you inflict on everyone of us who can't have that opportunity while you rant/rave, stamp your foot and complain how everyone but You is wrong. No of course you can't because you have a Narcissistic personality.
This is a fact, not an insult, not a criticism just what is. You could get help for you and that would help your Mum.
You could give Honest not overtly religious hogwash thanks and praise to people here who've tried over and over to help you.
I actually think your writings are like a terrible car accident, we all of us want to go past and not look and yet we find ourselves unable not to slow down and look.
I truly wish you well, though I doubt you'll believe that, I know my honesty in what I've written won't touch you. I do hope though that somewhere it reaches someone who can be helped if even just a little.
I hope with every fibre of my being that your Mum and your sister get the peace and contentment they so richly deserve.

Ok. Just curious. ML. How many hours a week of free caregiving are you planning on from Catholic Charities? I am assuming they only offer occasional respite care and not 24/7 unending care.

I agree with the others on the thread. You dont appear stable from your writings and i am not trying to insult you. You are in distress..that is clear and I sympathize and hope you can find some peace. Please take the advice here and get yourself some help.

You make the point well, Tacy. The best interests of the patient must be paramount.

Very often, in the ordinary way of things, being with family is considered to be in a person's best interests. But that doesn't mean that in this case the court has suddenly taken it into its head to ignore the mother's best interests, nor that it is slighting the importance of family in a person's overall quality of life. What it does mean is that the court must have had other, very strong reasons to come to the judgement that in this particular case the person - in spite of ML's willingness to care for her, and in spite of her mother's apparent wishes - cannot be safely looked after by family.

Those reasons will include ML's mother's physical and mental frailty, her high level of nursing care needs, and ML's consistent disregard for agreed care plans and agreed standards. ML, I regret it but it's obvious - you have lost the trust of the court that you will keep to the rules it sets for ensuring your vulnerable mother's basic safety.

Winning back that trust would be an uphill struggle, and apart from anything else I doubt your mother has the time or strength for it. Stop fighting now, give your mother comfort and peace instead.

Piecing together your mother's history from the jumbled pieces you've provided.

She married a man who came back from WWII with PTSD, and who also had bipolar disorder. They had 5(?) children, to whom he was mean. She did not stop his meanness but comforted her children. They were divorced and since that time she has never lived independently. Starting in 1975 she bounced among mental health institutions for bipolar disorder. Then for 30 years she lived with her oldest daughter, and for another 10 years she lived with you. For the last year+ she has been in a nursing home. She is wheel-chair bound, is a two-person transfer, and is on soft foods after an evaluation by a speech therapist. She has dementia.

In a court case you recently brought, hoping to take over partial guardianship, the court appointed her a GAL, meaning they considered her incompetent.

Why, why, why, don't you give this poor woman some rest? You have four hours a day to visit with her, unless she is not well enough to go to the multi-purpose room. Why don't you fill your time with figuring out how to make the most of the time she has left. It sounds like she has had a hard and challenging life. Can't you just work on improving the quality of her life where she is?

I don't think that you are mentally well, ML, I really don't. That is not an insult nor a criticism. It is an observation based on your own writing here. I urge you, in addition to accepting your mother's situation and loving her where she is, to get some counseling/therapy for yourself. You deserve to be at your best. Please get some help.

Typo Amy is my .

Caregivers, Catholic Charities offers free in home care services and Amy Mom 's in therapy with benefits from the state that I can oversee without it lapsing a year like at the NH so why do you continue to respond as though I will have no supportive services. Why don't you speak as though it's priority to keep "family" together? Aging in place in home and community is legislated and more so desired than nursing centers. You have to know he quality of life is better at home than in a nursing home. This is why you are inherently family caregivers.❤️

People, I for one am stepping away. This thread bears an eerir resemblance to one in which a poster complains about her son who was in the Peace Corps and now won't speak to her. Probably not the same poster, but similarly disturbed thought process. And anyone who finds the suggestion that seeking psychological services is 'insulting" is not going to benefit from anything i have to say.

Oh this just gets more bizarre day by day - for a start an Electra complex is a psychoanalytical term for a child who competes pychosexually with her mother for her fathers affections as opposed to being a Daddy's girl which I openly admit I was....he could do no wrong.

This doesn't stem from your father's position, although SOME of the dysfunction may well be attributed to that. This is a bitter long standing feud between you and your sister...one that you are determined to win at all costs. Your mother is in the best place.

Your sister who you denigrate there and back took your mother in and kept her for 30 years and she took you in for 10 of those as well. She has had enough - she can't do any more and she RECOGNISES WHERE HER MOTHER SHOULD BE NOW, especially given the condition of her house. She does have a right to a life too and yet you seem determined to make her life miserable.

One more thing .....while you have your beliefs please respect that I have mine and, for me, God has nothing to do with the support I give my mother and 10 references to God in your post to me are meaningless to me and to be honest actually offensive, just so as you know, I am not a Christian nor do I plan to be any time soon.

To date I have not seen him wipe her butt, clean her dentures or lift her up when she falls.... I do that

Finally
When it comes to dementia Murphys law, whether you like it or not will apply when someone who hasn't a clue about the medical condition of their parent, tries to muscle in on the good care that is being provided by people who are trained to care for people with dementia. You cannot reasonably be deemed as an appropriate caregiver based upon your posts so far.

You have alienated every professional, and I have absolutely no doubt at all that you will continue to be domineering in your mother's home care too and when something goes wrong you will blame it on someone else. I can't think how much stress you are causing your mother by this attitude so just try spending as much time building bridges as you do on tearing them down ....for your mother's sake

I think the dysfunction all started from the inhumanity suffered by Negroes during my father's time as a Negroe in WWII as a MP as the racism and dehumanizing never stopped while raising his family the best he could with bipolar tendencies and PTSD never diagnosed IMO and my oldest maturing sister developed an Electra complex that made her challenge my mother, hurtful and painful etc.

Caregivers my Mom lived with me from about 1996 to 2006 when my sister kicked me out for being 2 wks late to repay a small loan and rent after living under bad conditions for 10 years paying rent and caring for my My Mom and socializing with her at about ages 66 - 77 ten years ago. When I lost my full time job I tried to come back with my Mom and son, but my sister refused while he building continued to dilapidate and infest with rodents, so I had to call on her in '09, so she blames me for her building being condemned in October '14 and she keeps my mother from me as much as possible. I hurt but I refuse to let myself go crazy over my familie's abuse over each other and me and my Mom.

I cared for my Mom 10 years too, but my sister did all the changing and made all the rules.

Typo bent is prevented .

Jeannegibbs I am not allow to visit my Mom her room and only from 12-5pm in the multi-purpose room. On Sunday I wasn't allowed to visit my Mom at all as the SW not allowing my Mom to sign POA over to me said she was sick and the nurse said she was sleeping being lie after lie because I always visit my Mom sleep or sick in pain for over a year now as she's been bent to exercise her constitutional rights for over a year. I visited my precious Mom yesterday at about 1:15pm. I brought her a drink but she said she didn't want any as she had just finished lunch. She is talking better. She actually said "I don't want anymore." She also said she wanted to go with me and I keep begging her to please wait for the judges decision.