POA has denied me access to my mother's room at the nursing center. Can this be legal?

My husband begged and pleaded to go home, for months. He WAS home. I think we've explained that to you before.

I thought about your posts on the 35 mile trip to visit Mother in her NH this afternoon. Here are some of my thoughts:

1) You love your mother very, very much
2) You are very, very distressed at seeing your mother's decline in health.

OK, so far you are in the good company of many people on these forums. But there is more.

3) You do not seem to know even basic stuff about the illnesses/chronic conditions your mother has. You do not seem to know more now than you did in August. It doesn't appear (from what you write) that you care to learn more. -- You know it all now?
4) Somehow you are convinced that your mother's decline in health is somebody's fault. You don't seem to understand or believe the concept of "progressive disease." I would say you believe in this theory of "fault" and "blame" to the point of paranoia. (Not that I'm qualified to diagnose that, but it sure sounds like it to me.)
5) You insist that your sister's POA is not valid, and in spite of this being explained to you on this forum and by a court of law, you persist in accusing your sister of wrong doing regarding this document.
6) You blame your sister for your mother being in a nursing home. If only she'd listened to your advice and had a regular job instead of trying to be a landlord, her building wouldn't have been condemned and mother could have continued to live with her. You seem to believe that nursing homes can and will take in perfectly healthy people if they just don't have a place to live. No explanations from us will convince you otherwise.
7) It is (according to you) your sister's fault that mother is in a Nursing Home, but the NH is responsible for her being sick and getting sicker. Again, you reject the medically proven concept of "progressive" diseases, and you know there is someone to blame. Sorry. Sounds paranoid to me.
8) You are very passionate in expressing your beliefs, but not very well-organized or coherent. Hey, not a problem here, we'll reread things a couple of times and ask questions. Caregivers don't have to be articulate. But the notion of you representing yourself in a court case is simply incredible. Do you honestly think you are capable of doing something just because you want to?
9) This "I'm entitled and I can do it" attitude seems to be pervasive in your life. You think you can disregard what the NH staff tells you, what the ambulance driver tells you, what the POA tells you, and handle all by yourself a person with a disease you refuse to learn about. I appreciate your self-confidence but I'm afraid you are in way over your head.

Now you want "to find out how NHs work and how they and the POA can capitalize on my mother's death." This is pure paranoia on your part. Do you honestly think that the nursing home would like to hasten your mother's death because somehow they would benefit? Huh? They get paid for each day she is there. As soon as she leaves -- by death or any other way -- their income flow from her stops. From what you've said before Mother doesn't have a large estate to leave to anybody, does she? Do you honestly believe that the sister who lived with her for 30 years wants to see her dead for some personal benefit? Really? Really? And you want us to help you figure out what the benefit is? Oh my. I don't think that is going to happen.

When I got to NH today my mom said immediately, "Oh I'm so glad you are here! I've been sitting here in the hallway for hours with nothing to do." Well I knew she had just been wheeled into the hallway from a sing-along. Others were still being wheeled out. She wasn't lying to me -- this is just part of her dementia, to not have a sense of passing time. I didn't argue with her but I didn't encourage her belief in the negligence of her aide, either. "Well, I'm glad I'm here now, too! Let's go into your room so I can see how your flowers are doing."

I admired her plants. I admired the cute valentine decorating my sister did in Mom's room. I changed her doll out of a Christmas dress, to go with the valentine theme. She read the newspaper and commented on a few things in it. I comforted her about her need for two helpers to go to the bathroom. I wheeled her to the dining room and I met a new person at her table and I chatted a little with the two residents I already knew. I left them chatting.

My mother's dementia has definitely progressed in the nearly two years she's been in the NH. She was using a walker when she went in and is wheel-chair bound now. She is a two person transfer. But she is content. She is happier than she was two years ago. She is more active. She is where she needs to be. If my sisters and I see shortcomings we don't discuss them with Mom -- we talk to the appropriate staff person. Our goal is for Mom to be as happy as she can be where she is.

My advice to you continues to be what it has been.

1) Behave in such a way that you will be allowed to visit your mother freely.
2) Visit, with the goal of helping Mom make the most of where she is. Don't make her think it is a terrible place. Don't encourage her about "going home."

Momlover, give your Mom a rest, the poor woman must be so confused with all that is going on.... she doesn't deserve all this unrest that you are creating.

Momlover - sorry for the misunderstanding on my part regarding which end of the ambulance. However I would still say everything I said and suggested.

Mom, you are not thinking or writing clearly. You need to get yourself some help before you can help your mom.

Oh dear. It sounds as if there are a lot of bridges to build in your relationship with the NH. But one thing at a time - concentrate on getting clear guidelines from the court about what you are and are not allowed to do, and stick to them like glue. Then later on, with luck and goodwill, you'll be able to get back on the staff's right side. I know that isn't something you'll particularly want to do, but if you're going to be around to help your mother you'll just need to. It'll be worth it.

Rainmom I didn't jump in back of the ambulance. I knocked to make sure it was my Mom after the two nurses lied to me. Ambulance transported told me to sit up frront, then nurse came down and said she was going to call the police if I didn't get out.

Momlover123, I hope this helps: When a teacher has a student who keeps insisting they want to go home, how do you handle it?

And wouldn't that be heart-breaking, Pam? Momlover, this is a hard thing to handle alone. If you have a true friend, ask that person to go with you, support you, and help you keep calm when the going gets tough.

Re-reading your older posts, your mom has dementia, arthritis, osteoporosis and is a two person assist for toileting. That is a person who needs 24/7 care in a facility with young, strong, well-rested staff.

Either work with POA sister to get her into a better facility or visit with ice cream and treats. Most dementia patients in NH's ask to go home. It doesn't mean that it is what's best for them.

Momlover - is it at all possible for you to take a step back, take a breath and really look at how you are hurting your own chances for getting anything even close to what you want? To an observer you appear to be totally out of control and amping yourself up into doing further damage to your case. You have been given very good advice here - do yourself a favor and follow it. Jumping into the back of the ambulance, really? That says you have totally lost any kind of rational thinking in this situation. Get ahold of yourself before you are arrested and legally band from seeing your mother all together. If you really love your mom quit making this about you and what you want! If your poor mother is aware of this situation I'm sure you are only causing her more anxiety and agitation. Get a grip!

Countrymouse, I have a feeling what you wrote is exactly what the Judge is going to say on Jan. 26. I'm just afraid that Momlover won't comply.

If you devoted as much effort to helping the NH to look after your mother as you have been doing interfering with their difficult task, you would find the staff readier to welcome you and your mother better looked after.

I hope that with advice and support you will be able to comply with requirements so that your mother does not end up deprived of your company. A court does not lightly prevent an elderly woman from seeing her own child; it follows that the reason they are considering doing that is your history of disrupting your mother's care. You need to stop it.

You didn't break your mother's leg, no. But you insisted on manually handling her. She has arthritis, osteoporosis and at that time an old fracture. You do not have the expertise or the equipment to handle her safely. Can you really not see that what you did, with the best of intentions, was plain dangerous?

The incident in the ambulance is another case in point. Nurses accompanying a patient in an ambulance have enough to do ensuring that the journey goes smoothly. You were getting in the way, making their job harder and therefore making your mother less likely to have a safe journey. Why couldn't you just follow the ambulance and meet her at the hospital? Can you really not see that creating this kind of needless drama is, too, agitating and miserable for your mother?

People who have had one stroke are vulnerable to having more. Risk factors include over-exertion and stress, which lead to atrial fibrillation, which leads to clotting, which leads to stroke. If your mother has been put on puréed food, and given that it is unimaginable that you are being kept up to date on her medical condition, it sounds as though she may already have had a further event. Every time you create a scene or manhandle your mother, you are going to be endangering her to a greater or lesser extent.

No one is arrested for just wanting to see their mother. But you're not doing that. You're harassing the staff and endangering a vulnerable elder. Cut it out.

Visit your mother, spend your time comforting and diverting her, do not subvert medical instructions and do not disrupt NH routine. If you can manage those things instead, I hope that your mother will long be able to benefit from your love and attention.

Momlover123, please listen to the judge and keep a compliant profile with the POA. If you don't, not only will you not be appointed, you will have a court order for no contact (Order of Protection). Defying the order for puree and giving table food would be gross neglect. Jumping into ambulances can get you arrested, yes. Don't do it. Try to control your impulses. Meds will help you.

The expedite and emergency motions were denied. The appellee's (plaintiff, POA, sister) is due 1/26/16 and then I have 14 days to respond. You all have suggested that you want to be in an NH at 88 but my Mom is always asking to come home. Thank God she can still ask. I am seeing a patient that was eating well not long ago but now she's being feed intravenously. My Mom has been put on purée but she can eat table food. The nurses lied to me about my mother being transported in an ambulance to Holy Cross and the same nurse that stopped my mother's visit before told me she was going to call the police if I didn't get out of the ambulance. They are setting me up to be arrested just for wanting to see my Mom. I fear for my Mom at that NH but I can't do anything because every time so look for help I am told my sister is the POA. I need to find out how NHs work and how they and the POA can capitalize on my mother's death as my sister didn't want my Mom to have PT, she refused to arranged transport services, and stopped visiting her and left her looking like an invalid or s body and not s person or woman. My Mom needs a family home that I am willing and able to give to her but my sister insist on leaving her in a NH where staff is under paid and the NH is understaffed. Please note my sister wasn't just keeping my mother for 30 years - my mother was keeping my sister financially for 30 years as they were both the common denominator of "caregivers."

Pamstega, Jeannegibbs, and Vagaslady I will let you know the outcome of the appellate appeal for partial guardianship recommended by my Mom's NH doctor.

That's what it's about...the attention you're getting.

My mother stil has quality to life outside the NH and the right to age in place at home. Maybe you 'll finally get that message. Thanks for following my thread. Be blessed.

Tell it like it is Jeanne...hopefully this woman will get the message finally.

Ya know what? I don't really care how your mother's leg was broken. And what on earth is the point of repeatedly saying when her hospital bracelet went on? That has nothing to do with my advice to you.

My advice is to stop fussing over all these irrelevant issues. Let go of things you can't control. Focus on the most-likely attainable goal right now: being allowed to visit your mother where she is. See her everyday if you can get permission. That should be the first step.

Expecting to get POA or Partial Guardianship when right now you are not even allowed to see Mom is a huge, huge leap. And doing it yourself without a lawyer? Sorry, Dear, but that ain't gonna happen.

Forget the huge leap. Take the first small step.

I know how much the nursing home where my mom is and the assisted living facility where my daughter works LOVE for their residents to have visitors, especially family.

The NH staff keeps coming up to us to tell us how much they appreciate our interest in our mother. At least one of us attends every care conference. We attend activities where help might be needed. We bring treats for the staff. We are respectful, even when we need to bring some shortcoming to their attention. We contribute prizes for the bingo games. Mom is in the level of care she needs. We certainly have not abandoned her. We are perhaps more actively involved in her day-to-day life than we have been for years. And the staff welcomes us with open arms. For you to not be welcome says to me something has gone horribly wrong. I do not believe that you don't have some accountability for that attitude.

Your mother is where she needs to be. Your sister has cared for her for 30 years. She knows her very well. The fact that she wants Mother in a nursing home says a lot. How about you accept that, and work with your mother where she is? How about doing what you need to do to start over and build a good relationship with the people who take care of your mother day to day?

Pamstega and Jeannegibbs my Mom is still wearing the hospital bracelet from Holy Cross 12/26/15 as though the cast was put on by Holy Cross but HC nurse looked at X-rays and said there was no fracture 12/27/15 butNurse L who I have had several problems with said that my Mom's leg is broken 1/18/16. I am filing an Emergency Motion to get the POA stayed and out of my sister's hands as she is abusing her authority because my Mom has not approved my sister POA to stop me from seeing and visiting with her. Please help me because I feel I am being framed for breaking my nother's leg. To God be the glory.

Pamstega and Jeannegibbs Mom was diagnosed with only severe constipation and arthritis inflammation 12/27/16. I don't know what happened at the NH before, after, or during PT but my sister POA took her to another hospital for a second opinion she said and my Mom came back with a full length leg cast on her right leg 1/14/16 but I transported my Mom 12/24/15 and 12/25/15. Now that I am texting about it my sister POA has threatened not to let me see my mother at all. God's will will be done😇🌹❤️

Pamstega and Jeannegibbs thank you for your suggestions and expertise. My Mom was sore from arthritis before I moved her and severely constipated . This was diagnosed by Holy Cross and there were no fractures. Then 1/14/16 my sister said she went for a second opinion and my Mom was put in a full leg cast and her toe nail is off with the flesh exposed on her right foot little toe. She complained about her leg hurting yesterday but before her knee was just sensitive to the touch, movement, and pressure . Nurse L gave her pain relief drugs but she refused to tell me what she gave her after my Mom started screaming out in pain and said her stomach was hurting. I didn't leave until I was escorted to my Mom's room (POA has requested supervision for me to see my Mom now because I text about Mom's condition she said I am violating HIPPAA laws) be sure her pain had subsided and it had but she didn't seem as though she could tell me bye, but she did say bye after a while and she wasn't yelling out in pain any more. Pamstegma I am not defying rules to the point of injury. I tried to get POA and my Mom said yes but the NH won't allow her to sign herself out to me so I can provide proper transport for my Mom as the POA nor theNH will help with transport .

Momlover123, I have no authority to "bless" anyone. But I send you my well wishes to remove the visitation restriction. I wish for you to spend time with your mother as she ages in place -- her place, which is now the nursing home. I suggest you work on that realistic goal, and stop wasting energy tilting at windmills.

Momlover123, As a notary, I can accept a simple X if the signer has limited use of hands. I do need to verify ID and see that the person is cognizant of what they are signing, even if they forget later.
As an Ombudsman, I would be remiss if I advocated placing the patient with family that does not know how to safely transfer them. With hard proof of injury, your opponent has all she needs to prevail in court.
"Better quality of life"? No, you just have an OCD. Get counseling to accept what is instead of defying the rules to the point of injury.

Previous thread my mother is not happy at the nursing home and she is begging me to come home with me. I am her "angel."😇 I want to be with my Mom until the end. I don't want an understaffed NH to call me and say my Mom is gone and I know I could have given her better quality of life. Just give me your blessings to at least try. Please...

The circuit court order is in appellate court for appeal for my Mom to age in place with family.

I have just read through your entire post from August. https://www.agingcare.com/questions/nursing-home-holding-my-mother-hostage-186496.htm?cpage=1
There are 125 posts in that thread. Many people dropped out at about post 60, when it became clear that you were not looking for advice, you merely wanted our blessing on what you wanted to do.

That post ended up that you were dropping pursuing this in court because you moved to a larger apartment and you sister agreed to let your mom go live with you.

Apparently that never happened? So from agreeing to let Mom live with you, Sister has now forbidden you to even see your mom -- what has happened to change things so dramatically between August and January?

From the August post it seemed alarmingly clear to many of us that you had no understanding of dementia. In this post you say that "she has no other medical conditions other than the stroke and osteoporosis." Goodness! If you don't even acknowledge that dementia IS a medical condition I cannot imagine how you would begin to cope.

The NH says your mother is a two-person transfer. You insist that you could do it alone. And yet you couldn't really do it with a friend helping.

You keep going on and on about the "forged" POA, when that issue has already been decided by a court of law. They accept it as valid. Your saying it over and over will not change anything.

I truly feel the strength of your love for your mother, and feel sorry for your pain. I sincerely hope that you can regain visitation rights.

Sometimes being at home is a good option for someone with dementia. My husband stayed at home for the 10 years he had dementia, and died in our bedroom. My mother lived with my sister for 14 months, but physical and mental decline made a nursing home a better choice for her. She is doing well and is very content there. It is a case-by-case decision.

In this case it sounds like your mother is where she needs to be. I hope you will redirect your efforts to being able to visit her where she is.

Freqflyer it is not my first rodeo. My Mom stiffened up with arthritis while so was transporting her.

Freqflyer 12/26/15 I was told Mom was constipated with a arthritis condition after transported her with a friend but now 1/15/16 I was told I fractured her leg and Mom has a full length cast. My Mom is still begging to come home with me and I'm begging her to be patient because the judge has to decide.

Pamstegma I will have Homecare for my Mom and she gets SSA and SSI.