POA has denied me access to my mother's room at the nursing center. Can this be legal?

Jeanne, I'm not really interested in a broader exposure, more just how this relates to topic at hand, like freqflyer did - because that's the issue, isn't it, being able to afford to move into an "elder friendly environment"; I don't remember how much the assisted living told me they charge but also at the time I don't think I realized how much it might have cost to get the house in condition to be able to sell it at the value that would be needed to even come close to affording the assisted living, so reverse mortgage might be a catch-22? was just glad at the time the fridge had already been replaced - by us - and the furnace went out - just under warranty - but at that point mom was still here and not sure how she would have felt about the whole AL thing; by then she wanted to come down here and dad wasn't hearing of that then, although later he said if things had been done differently he would have, things he never mentioned to us then, just that he was basically saying we should have done/thought of without him having to - is that something anybody's run into? should we have?

What a shame that people who had, had enough of this thread could not have chosen to simply stop participating in it and instead have hijacked it.
I for one have no interest in the nature of this thread in it's new format and I will as such cease following it.
I state this simply so that if anyone is thinking of responding to anything I have said then they will be aware I'm not ignoring them I have gone.
Which I believe to be the correct behaviour when no longer interested in following.

LucyCW you have a big heart.❤️

Awww thanks ML I really appreciate that

LucyCW and Jeannegibbs my Mom is 88 and she's hoping for better quality of life as she participates in PT, OT, and speech therapy daily Monday through Friday. She ate all her puree food (chicken, beans, rice, and peaches but CNA/Nurse didn't know to use nectar and I don't know of a swallow test) yesterday and I applauded her "happy plate." Applause brings happiness to my Mom. She was dressed well in pink/orange/white top and grey/pink/white pants with her new pink/white Christmas slippers. Her hair was brushed up in a ponytail. We dialed her only living sister in Maysville, KY and she enjoy saying "Hi" and "Fine." We listened to "I Believe I Can Fly." She said "I don't want any yet" before she started eating. The CNA fed her this time, but she has held her drink in her left had and drunken it and she eats with her left hand. I know people over 90 and I am sure her condition can improve. I will keep you updated on a positive note. I am so fortunate to have experienced caregivers listen to me that have more serious problems than me. Thank you so much.

It's great to be hearing such positive news about your Mum, and her outfit sounds lovely.
It sounds like you're having a lovely time together and that is great to read.
I don't want to be a sourpuss when your doing so well, but there is just one little thing. You say ". I know people over 90 and I am sure her condition can improve."
We are all individuals and you aren't being fair to her or you to expect her to be doing what other 90 year olds do.
Please, please enjoy your Mum where she is and don't push her to be just like everyone else. It's really important to enjoy the moment and to make happy memories together in the now rather than striving for something in the future.

Cheers to happy memories LuctCW😀 I just want my Mom to be in the best hands and safe.

LucyCW sorry I misspelled your name. You got after me about typos. Please excuse me and thank goodness you are a caregiver. Without your goodness I would be lost in the caregivers world

No worries we all make mistakes :~) I wasn't really getting at you regarding typos more suggesting you slow down and think before speaking/typing, then you've time to be sure you want to say what you're about to.
You'd be fine, lots of others here to help to, you just need to let people know that you're listening and that even if you can't/don't agree with them, you acknowledge their right to their own opinion. Also to acknowledge that at times others are right by dint of their experience.
That said, you've been doing really well recently, keep up the good work :~)
I know you only want the best for Mum and for her to be in safe hands, which she is. So for now just enjoy being with her, your calmness will keep her calm.
Remember to be nice to the staff, they are doing their best always. Hold on to the fact you can only see now, you don't know what happened before you arrived so don't jump to conclusions, misread situations.
Easter is coming and maybe you could think about giving a card to the people who take care of Mum.

LucyCW thanks for the comfort and helping me realize my limitations . I thank you all.❤️

You're very welcome :~)
Limitations is something we all have (you don't want to see
mine lol)
The key is to look and see if they are holding us back from
being the very best person we could be.
By the way being nice to people even when you don't feel
it inside shows those people what a great job your Mum did
in bringing you up to be polite.
Do please check your private messages I'm leaving you a
message that can't be public :~)

TY all for support, and ohjude, best wishes. Another thing I have thought about is to literally take my (higher) college education completely off my resume for certain ads. I am making multiple resumes taylored and job specific. I was not trying to make this thread about me, truly. Ty all for the support.

Lizdevine, I wish you well in your future.
I for one am sure that you personally had no intention of high jacking this thread. I'm sure that given what a tremendously supportive people are to be found on Ageing Care you would get even more helpful support/advice where you to start your own thread/topic designated to your questions. Good luck

LucyCW thank you for your advice. I am waiting for my pic sweetheart❤️

Your welcome :~) re picture see private message

LucyCW the nursing center is so understaffed with no security that a patient fell out of his chair, a patient's don cursed out the CNA and threatened her she'd threatened him saying her brother would be waiting for him when he left, a patient pulled out his penis and peeled on the floor with two CNAs sitting at the same table and they were still figuring out what CNA belonged to what patient. Lord help me out of this ... Mom's getting stronger in her PT, OT, and speech therapy though. That's a happier note.

Don is son.

Peeled is peed.

LucyCW I know you've been through much worse and I respect your survival ability. Please forgive me if society has led you to believe I don't understand your trails and tribulations you've conquered. I'm just searching for advice without Power of Attorney.

Hi, I hope you'll understand when I say that I live by not judging people's situations in a comparative way. I have been to hell and back (sadly more than once) but I can not compare that to another person's journey and say one was better or worse. A terrible journey is that, for the person living it.
I do thank you for your respect for my survival ability, though honestly it's not really a matter of choice on my part, this is the hand I've been dealt the only choice I see is to do my best and get through it as well as I can harming no one one the way. Or to be a horrible person uncaring of others and that is not my nature.
I do believe after my last epistle, that you do have a better understanding of what I've gone through, and I hope you know that I offer my advice because I truly want to do what I can to help you in your situation.
I know that you want the very best for your Mum, and I totally understand that the situation you are all in is far from the best scenario.
That said, and please believe I have had to witness a dearly loved relative go through very similar to what you've described, I still would say that much as you love your Mum and I have not one shred of doubt on that score you absolutely would be wrong to try to take care of her at home.
So what can you do? First keep your cool. Be as nice as you possibly can to the staff, you can see what difficult conditions they are under, make seeing you a joy not another hardship. This is a) because they deserve it. b) they are far more likely to be your allies in the future if you have not alienated them.
Have a look in the area that your Mum is in, is there an NH that is nicer than this one that perhaps she could move to?
It really isn't going to happen for her to live with you, but that doesn't mean that you can't try to find something nicer.
Build bridges with your sister, baby steps. Don't go in demanding a move, acknowledge that she too loves your Mum. She doesn't have to act the way you do to love her.
If your sister understands that you are not wanting to fight her or put Mum in danger and remember 99.9% of people who wrote here believed that although you love your Mum very much you would have endangered her had you got what you wanted. Not deliberately, no one thought that, simply because you would not accept anything you were told that didn't agree with you.
You've come a long way since then and I hope that you are proud of your achievements to date.
Keep trying to be a joy to your Mum, make your visits exciting and positive experiences. I'm sure the staff are trying their best to shield your Mum and other people from what is happening so please don't blame them when they can't.
On a personal level I've got a difficult few days ahead of me, so please forgive me if it takes longer than usual for me to respond. I do care and I do want to help where I can, but I have to deal with some very hard things here.
Take care, know you and Mum are in my thoughts even as I tackle what is to come. Lucy Caitlyn

Lucy Carilyn you should find an author to write your bio as mankind doesn't usually endure your hardships and remains so caring of others . You are a precious gem to say the least .

Sorry "Caitlyn." I have to correct before sending.

Caregivers thank you for all your advice. Do you agree that I should at least try to get my Mom a one on one geriatric care plan with her SSA/SSI just for the sake of family. My son is grown and I'd love to care for the only natural mother I will ever have. Please don't think I am disregarding your advice. Can you at least agree on a probationary period?

Actually Momlover no I can't agree on that.....not at the moment. From your previous writing, you are too emotional at the moment, and too unwilling to listen to what you are being told to handle the care your Mum needs and right now she is in the best place even if you don't agree.

You have also to consider that moving elderly people is incredibly stressful for them and puts them instantly into a high risk category. We are moving and Mum is going into respite to LIMIT the stress for her (and for me)

My concern would be that once you got her home YOU wouldn't let her go if you weren't coping and I don't think you would acknowledge that you weren't coping.

It is of course not us who have to say yes. But if I were a social worker, before I could agree any plan that involved her coming home to you for care I would want to see that you were emotionally stable and right now, from the way you haven't listened to advice in the recent past I actually don't think that YOU are ready yet.

Get yourself sorted first. Then think about what care would actually mean for you. I can see that you say your son is grown - perhaps it is time to find out who you are first and I mean that positively.

Hi ML, Thank you for your words, I am writing my story and I do have someone interested in printing it but I'm not sure I'll get that far. It is after all my life and as off now I choose who to share with and how much.
To your Mum, I agree with Jude - NO! You have been making progress in listening but you still have a way to go. You are still not positively interacting with the people who care for your Mum in a physical sense. I have noted that those areas of my post you completely ignore.
It's good that you're not being as paranoid, but I agree with Jude, you are not ready or safe to have any further dealings with your Mum than present.
If anyone was misguided enough to give you even 5 minutes custody you would not relinquish the custody or your Mum. This is absolutely not in her best interests and that is what you want, HER best interests.

Jude, glad you're still here :~) I thought I was a lone voice in the wilderness.
Hope things are easier, being UK they are not going to be better :~( but hoping for a chink in the NHS armour.
Thinking of you

Momlover, unless your sister had guardianship of your mom, she shouldn't be able to keep you from seeing your mom in the nursing home. I see that there's more involved after reading your additional posts, however. I see that you are trying to get guardianship, so this is bery much similar to a child custody case where false accusations are regurgitated in case after case. I'd try to make peace with the NH staff, especially the case worker, because they may be called as a witness. Keep in mind that your sister has probably filled their head with nonsense--but they've seen and heard it all. Don't take anything out on them. (If your mother is being mistreated, talk tongue attorney about the best way to handle this.) I hope everything works out for the best for you and your mom! (((hugs)))

What is a one on one geriatric care plan. ...and how does SSA/SSI pay for it? Isnt SSA/SSI just social security?

^^^To your" attorney, not "tongue", lol.
~Spellchecker is my worst "enema."- 😜

I must say that I'm sickened about how readily some in this thread are relinquishing their responsibility to their elder parents by sticking then in a nursing home. My father is terminally ill with no hope of recovery. He was very clear about his feelings throughout his life and right after his diagnosis in May to he never wanted to go to a nursing home. This women clearly loves her mother and let's face it, siblings will be siblings. Emotions run high as we see our time with our loved ones shrinking day by day. But I feel the same obligation this women does to her mother to my Dad and as he did for my sister and I. He would never have put us in the hands of strangers. Let's face it, no one loves and knows our family like we do. If her mother is not in need of significant medical intervention and her daughter gains the means to lift her mother to bath her, dress her, feed her, get her to bed and give her PT. What is it that a care center is going to provide above that? Not to diminish the nursing industry but my my dad has the minute by minute care in his own home that he would never get in a home. It's simply a matter of patient to caregiver ratio. There are 2 of us here at all times. He's checked on constantly including BP and oxygen. Also, we have home health in 2x a week to validate his condition and offer inputs or suggestions. I really think it's just a matter of rolling up your sleeves and committing to care for your parents like they cared for you. I'm certain that my comments will come under fire. But remember when the medical industry suggests that you can't handle it and it's best for your parent to be institutionalized, they have their own agenda. A. They need to feel validated and B. someone's making money. Follow your heart. Good luck and God bless to everyone doing the best that they can in difficult circumstances.