POA has denied me access to my mother's room at the nursing center. Can this be legal?

Freqflyer my Mom has to have assistance to post, but she does have a FACEBOOK page that I created for my Mom.

Tacy022 the fact is my mother was eating table food about a week ago from the NH and now all of the sudden she's on purée without a swallow test that was mentioned by a caregiver on this post. I was just told she was holding her food in her mouth and no medical reason for purée as she does feed herself.

so she is still feeding herself?

Google "pocketing food". It's a symptom of advancing dementia and often leads to choking, aspiration and other bad things. This is why your mom is on a soft diet.

See that's the thing, ML. Your mom has a progressive disease and it sounds to me as though she might have had another stroke. She needs to be in a place where there are nurses around who can check her frequently. Not in a private home with aides. If she needed to be seen urgently and was st home, you need to call 911, or get her ready to go out to the doctor. Where she is, care is right there.

Thanks Rainmom :~) Lucy

ML I realise you probably missed my post earlier as you have unusually not responded.
I pointed out that my BIL could eat on solids Mon, but not Tues onward. We are lucky he's having a better week and is eating soft solid food. I'm noticing with my own health issues that what I can eat changes daily too.
I know this is extremely hard for you because you want to take care of your Mum. But if you really do value her needs above your own needs then please realise than folk on this forum are trying very hard to support you.
Not agree with you, but support you. If you truly desire "God's will to be done" re read what people have said about spending quality time with Mum now while you can.

Tacy022 certainly I'll need supportive services, so psychological services is out of line and insulting. Put yourself in my shoes if it's possible.

Sorry I wasn't going to post again but jings this woman has me fired up. I have no problem with anyone attention seeking - I live with that every darned day but ML you really do take the biscuit.

These people have been doing the job of caring for a long time. They KNOW what is involved FIRST HAND, they know the pitfalls, they know a lot more about dementia, its progression and side effects and what is more they know what is best for people with dementia when it progresses as your Mums seems to be doing. They are also not in denial about what they are able to do from a physical, financial, emotional and professional viewpoint. Now there are one or two who do far more than you could ever imagine but they know what is in store and yes they still do it but many are worn out by it for sure

That you question why she is on a soft diet when she is holding food in her mouth is just one example. She holds food in her mouth because she has either forgotten how to chew, doesn't want to chew, doesn't like the food, can't swallow it and a whole host of other possibilities. The reason they put her on a soft diet is to stop her from shovelling in too much and choking, from trying to swallow without chewing and choking.

This is basic stuff and yet you don't seem to grasp it and if you cannot grasp that then these people are spot on you are so far in denial you need psychological intervention to help you make balanced decisions which, to date, you seem incapable of.

How dare you ask them to put themselves in your shoes. They live it every darned day and I am full of admiration for the great work they do. Your mother would benefit far more from you visiting with her and having a meaningful relationship with her in a care setting than you having her home with you . Yes she may ask to come home but most people with dementia eventually do. My mother asks me to take her home all the time....she lives at home.

Spend time with her playing card or drawing or talking or looking through old photo albums, but don't dishonour the people in here, they aren't insulting you they are trying to help you reach reality

Ohjude God bless you for your Gid sent advice only God and his Son Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior could have fostered and nurtured, but my Mom is my MOM and I will not leave her strained in a desert. It would be an enormous blessing to hear what you do with your loved ones day to dy before God calls them home. I plan to take my Mom places she can not go in a nursing center as my Mom begs for quality of life back our family church will be a block away and all Hyde Park, Chicago venues are wheel chair accessible as planned by the most educated and experienced community organizers; such as my Mom attending various venues like church, movies, grocery shopping for food blending, numerous restaurants, parks, home shopping, elderly activity programs at community centers, etc. Ohjude why don't you mention supportive services as you continue to respond as though my Mom will have only me as supportive services. God bless yo for your time, and yes all of us have different shoe and journeys throughout life as God will have it no other way. Please forgive me caregivers for not being a seasoned caregiver. I don't want to insult anyone's intelligence and experience. Again, God bless you for the loving care only you can give to your loved one. Now, allow me to follow in your footsteps with supportive services. At least let me try as I have not walked in your footsteps as you repeatedly live Murphy's law.

ML, you keep repeating over and over that you are not allowed in to visit your mom, and then you also keep telling us what she is doing, what you try to bring her, etc. Simple question, here: When is the most recent time you visited your mother?

All caregivers start out newbies. My concern is not that you are not experienced and knowledgeable -- it is that you show absolutely no sign of learning about your mother's diseases or in benefitting from the wealth of experience available to you from this group regarding caregiving.

You talk a good show about intentions, and I've been convinced that you love your mother. I'm reconsidering that assessment. In spite of all your good words your actions seem to be selfish. It is about what you want, what you need, not at all about what is best for your mother. You had a dysfunctional upbringing (by your own account) and perhaps you would benefit from some therapy to heal from that.

But you are not benefiting from your interaction on this forum, because you refuse to.

Put myself in your shoes? Oh, I don't think so. I cared for my husband at home for 10 years. With my sisters I am caring for our mom in a nursing home. I've earned my own shoes, thank you very much!

I do not want to walk in the path of someone who never considers anyone else's opinion because she knows it all and who is convinced against all reason and logic that all it takes to care for someone is love. (Oh, and that she is the only one who has love for her mother.)

Put ourselves in your shoes? Don't be insulting.

Typo Gid is God

Jeannegibbs I am not allow to visit my Mom her room and only from 12-5pm in the multi-purpose room. On Sunday I wasn't allowed to visit my Mom at all as the SW not allowing my Mom to sign POA over to me said she was sick and the nurse said she was sleeping being lie after lie because I always visit my Mom sleep or sick in pain for over a year now as she's been bent to exercise her constitutional rights for over a year. I visited my precious Mom yesterday at about 1:15pm. I brought her a drink but she said she didn't want any as she had just finished lunch. She is talking better. She actually said "I don't want anymore." She also said she wanted to go with me and I keep begging her to please wait for the judges decision.

Typo bent is prevented .

I cared for my Mom 10 years too, but my sister did all the changing and made all the rules.

Caregivers my Mom lived with me from about 1996 to 2006 when my sister kicked me out for being 2 wks late to repay a small loan and rent after living under bad conditions for 10 years paying rent and caring for my My Mom and socializing with her at about ages 66 - 77 ten years ago. When I lost my full time job I tried to come back with my Mom and son, but my sister refused while he building continued to dilapidate and infest with rodents, so I had to call on her in '09, so she blames me for her building being condemned in October '14 and she keeps my mother from me as much as possible. I hurt but I refuse to let myself go crazy over my familie's abuse over each other and me and my Mom.

I think the dysfunction all started from the inhumanity suffered by Negroes during my father's time as a Negroe in WWII as a MP as the racism and dehumanizing never stopped while raising his family the best he could with bipolar tendencies and PTSD never diagnosed IMO and my oldest maturing sister developed an Electra complex that made her challenge my mother, hurtful and painful etc.

Oh this just gets more bizarre day by day - for a start an Electra complex is a psychoanalytical term for a child who competes pychosexually with her mother for her fathers affections as opposed to being a Daddy's girl which I openly admit I was....he could do no wrong.

This doesn't stem from your father's position, although SOME of the dysfunction may well be attributed to that. This is a bitter long standing feud between you and your sister...one that you are determined to win at all costs. Your mother is in the best place.

Your sister who you denigrate there and back took your mother in and kept her for 30 years and she took you in for 10 of those as well. She has had enough - she can't do any more and she RECOGNISES WHERE HER MOTHER SHOULD BE NOW, especially given the condition of her house. She does have a right to a life too and yet you seem determined to make her life miserable.

One more thing .....while you have your beliefs please respect that I have mine and, for me, God has nothing to do with the support I give my mother and 10 references to God in your post to me are meaningless to me and to be honest actually offensive, just so as you know, I am not a Christian nor do I plan to be any time soon.

To date I have not seen him wipe her butt, clean her dentures or lift her up when she falls.... I do that

Finally
When it comes to dementia Murphys law, whether you like it or not will apply when someone who hasn't a clue about the medical condition of their parent, tries to muscle in on the good care that is being provided by people who are trained to care for people with dementia. You cannot reasonably be deemed as an appropriate caregiver based upon your posts so far.

You have alienated every professional, and I have absolutely no doubt at all that you will continue to be domineering in your mother's home care too and when something goes wrong you will blame it on someone else. I can't think how much stress you are causing your mother by this attitude so just try spending as much time building bridges as you do on tearing them down ....for your mother's sake

People, I for one am stepping away. This thread bears an eerir resemblance to one in which a poster complains about her son who was in the Peace Corps and now won't speak to her. Probably not the same poster, but similarly disturbed thought process. And anyone who finds the suggestion that seeking psychological services is 'insulting" is not going to benefit from anything i have to say.

Caregivers, Catholic Charities offers free in home care services and Amy Mom 's in therapy with benefits from the state that I can oversee without it lapsing a year like at the NH so why do you continue to respond as though I will have no supportive services. Why don't you speak as though it's priority to keep "family" together? Aging in place in home and community is legislated and more so desired than nursing centers. You have to know he quality of life is better at home than in a nursing home. This is why you are inherently family caregivers.❤️

Typo Amy is my .

Piecing together your mother's history from the jumbled pieces you've provided.

She married a man who came back from WWII with PTSD, and who also had bipolar disorder. They had 5(?) children, to whom he was mean. She did not stop his meanness but comforted her children. They were divorced and since that time she has never lived independently. Starting in 1975 she bounced among mental health institutions for bipolar disorder. Then for 30 years she lived with her oldest daughter, and for another 10 years she lived with you. For the last year+ she has been in a nursing home. She is wheel-chair bound, is a two-person transfer, and is on soft foods after an evaluation by a speech therapist. She has dementia.

In a court case you recently brought, hoping to take over partial guardianship, the court appointed her a GAL, meaning they considered her incompetent.

Why, why, why, don't you give this poor woman some rest? You have four hours a day to visit with her, unless she is not well enough to go to the multi-purpose room. Why don't you fill your time with figuring out how to make the most of the time she has left. It sounds like she has had a hard and challenging life. Can't you just work on improving the quality of her life where she is?

I don't think that you are mentally well, ML, I really don't. That is not an insult nor a criticism. It is an observation based on your own writing here. I urge you, in addition to accepting your mother's situation and loving her where she is, to get some counseling/therapy for yourself. You deserve to be at your best. Please get some help.

You make the point well, Tacy. The best interests of the patient must be paramount.

Very often, in the ordinary way of things, being with family is considered to be in a person's best interests. But that doesn't mean that in this case the court has suddenly taken it into its head to ignore the mother's best interests, nor that it is slighting the importance of family in a person's overall quality of life. What it does mean is that the court must have had other, very strong reasons to come to the judgement that in this particular case the person - in spite of ML's willingness to care for her, and in spite of her mother's apparent wishes - cannot be safely looked after by family.

Those reasons will include ML's mother's physical and mental frailty, her high level of nursing care needs, and ML's consistent disregard for agreed care plans and agreed standards. ML, I regret it but it's obvious - you have lost the trust of the court that you will keep to the rules it sets for ensuring your vulnerable mother's basic safety.

Winning back that trust would be an uphill struggle, and apart from anything else I doubt your mother has the time or strength for it. Stop fighting now, give your mother comfort and peace instead.

Ok. Just curious. ML. How many hours a week of free caregiving are you planning on from Catholic Charities? I am assuming they only offer occasional respite care and not 24/7 unending care.

I agree with the others on the thread. You dont appear stable from your writings and i am not trying to insult you. You are in distress..that is clear and I sympathize and hope you can find some peace. Please take the advice here and get yourself some help.

ML am I being paranoid? Or are you ignoring me? Mmmm, well I'm going to guess you're ignoring me and doing so because you can not afford to answer me for then you'd acknowledge on some level what I write.
So we should put ourselves in your shoes, ok. You put yourself in anyone of ours.
People who love and care every bit (and more) for their loved ones as you for yours. People who spend their very precious time trying to help and support you.
Do you really believe that God is going to be happy with the way that you are treating people here on this forum? If you're a Christian then you are aware that these people are His children too! Though as we can so clearly see you are as rude and dismissive of siblings (earthly or spiritually) as you are of most people.
One thing that deeply concerns me with regard to you having any contact with Mum is your impatience. People with Dementia try the patience of a Saint, remember I not only care for a dementia sufferer I am one, and I try my own patience at times! How can I say your impatient? All your typos! You send without stopping to read through first and correct.
The fact you find it insulting to be advised to seek professional help for your very obvious mental issues is insulting to, every bit as bad as racism.
I have mental health issues as well as extreme physical problems, personally I don't tend to give info about these. Just this once however as this seems to be how you set credentials for being able to have an opinion I will.
Anyone who reads on Please Be Aware What Follows Is Disturbing.................

OK, ML my cards on the table, lets see if you'll do 2 mins in my shoes.
I was born 6 weeks prem and expected not to survive, that was before I was removed from hospital 2 days after my birth. At 10 days visited by Uncle who had to return down stairs for his coat as it was so cold upstairs. I was lying in a drawer marked "B" stark naked on newspaper with no covers. He didn't report this to anyone or mention it for 40 years. My 2nd birthday present was to be abused on every single level by both parents. My M told me that I "clearly don't love (your) Daddy, it never hurts me when he shares special love." It always hurt and I believed I didn't love him no matter how I tried. I was then passed amongst their friends for their pleasure. At age 4 I was given sole charge of my 10 day old baby brother. Our "home" was a room without curtains, carpet or furniture. We had piles of newspapers for toys, toilet (nappies in his case), bedding. Food was scarce, though he got more as he was a boy. I was told I'd go to prison for life if I told or he died. This continued for 10 years accompanied by regular beatings and things no one needs to read. Aged 10 we were rescued when a new neighbour reported not seeing us come out to play. This despite my having been admitted to hospital at age 8 after overdosing on aspirin and saying I wanted to die, I was returned to parental care. Into Children's home set up, more food and no beatings but otherwise no change in abuse, now staff + parents, friends in holidays. Aged 12 - 16 respite, having been assessed as Educationally Subnormal (severely mentally retarded) I was sent to a boarding school for Maladjusted girls and I thrived. Only abused during school holidays, I was in Heaven. Fostered at 16, told I had to choices live with this family or spend the rest of my life in a straight jacket in a padded cell ~ easy choice. I worked full time 5 days a week 8am - 4:30pm, Sat 8am -12pm apprenticed to Council Parks & Gardens, hard physical labour. Breakfast 1 slice of dry toast and mug of black tea, packed lunch was 2 slices of bread, slice of meat and either a tomato or 2 lettuce leaves. Evening meal was same size portion as a healthy 4 year old. Biological M was obese and Foster M didn't want me going same way. Before and after work I took care of Foster parents baby daughter born 6 months before I turned 16. I left school with no qualifications (obviously given assessment) within 1 year I had "o" level English Language & English Literature from studying night class 2 nights. Still taking care of baby and running home. FM continued to have children, I continued to care for them, run house, work and study. Until age 18 I was ra*ed at a party, only time I ever said "no" I wasn't listened too. Didn't know I was pregnant (didn't actually know facts of life at all). Went to Dr because I felt ill (I'd been stealing food to supplement what I was allowed, FM had my wages). Was shocked to find I was 5.05 months pregnant, Dr. was shocked I didn't know how, for first time I told someone about my life as a child. She told me the facts of life. I didn't tell anyone, thought it might just go away so life continued. When I was 6 month pregnant I fell down stairs at work having tripped at top. Taken to hospital and told that my baby had died, as I had a small pelvis and would need c-section for further pregnancies I was told I was to give birth naturally. I was terrified because I'd been told all my childhood if I had a child with someone other than Father or Brother it would be a 2 headed monster. My beautiful baby girl was born after 72 hour labour with no pain relief, "I was a single Mum so didn't need it, I'd done the crime & had the pleasure, now was payback do the time." My baby was actually taken away the moment she was born and I was told not to look because I'd have other proper children. I believed the story I'd been brought up on. An Angel in the guise of a lovely Nurse brought me my daughter wrapped in a tea towel and we had 5 minutes together. She had gone but I told her she was loved and beautiful which she was. Thick dark hair and her thumb in her mouth, no trace of her father. I went home 12 hours after her birth and took up the household reins again. My pregnant FM told me I was a whore and to move out but not far as her children needed looking after. Fast forward I married at 22, a man I lived with for 6 months. Despite us both being committed Christians I needed to know I could be "a wife" after my childhood most of which was still a secret. 3 hours after our Wedding he hit me for the first time and did so for the next 10 years. I miscarried 8 times, never getting beyond 3 months. I worked full time at poorly paid jobs as these were all he'd allow. Studied as long as I was there when he came home and home was run properly this was my reward. One day I was given papers to fill in to apply for University (I now had 5 "o" levels, 3 GCSE and 3 "A" levels) I knew I'd never get accepted so I filled in forms and got a place in Canterbury (Kent, UK) Christchurch University reading a BAed in Religious Studies and Education. I bought myself driving lessons out of my grant which meant returning to not eating. After my stillbirth my weight had rocketed up and it was the only thing I fought for. I bought car and one day defied my husband and took it out, on returning he hit me once ~ knocking my eye out and almost losing me my sight. He left because for the first time my injuries were obvious and he was a pillar of church life. Speeding on I met the man who was to be my reason for living, my wonderful SO 19 years my senior. After 20 far from easy years he proposed and finally I said yes. He died without warning 4 months to the day after our engagement and 10 months to the day before our Wedding. I made 8 attempts to join him, not only failing but amazingly doing no physical harm to my body. Now I care for my BIL and my furry family. I have Fibromyalgia, Myofacial pain, Arthritis, Asthma, Occluded Spina Bifida, COPD, PTSD, Chronic fatigue, Reynaud's, Sjogrens, Crohn's, Diverticulitis, Palmar fascia, Carpal tunnel, DID, Depression and DLB probably other stuff I've forgotten :~) So ML I have my credentials laid out for you. Despite what I suffered at the hands of both my "parents" I stayed in touch throughout their lives and when they needed help I gave it and arranged funerals. I continued care of my brother despite adult intervention when he was 5, I knew adults could not be trusted. I helped him raise his baby and toddler sons when wife left them. I continued to raise FM's children, she left when youngest of 4 was 12 because she "needed me time."
Despite what's happened I've tried to be a caring, compassionate human being. I don't have a "Why me?" attitude rather a why not me? What's so special about me I should get an easy ride?
When I ask here on this forum for help I am incredibly grateful for the time people take out of their busy lives to read and respond to me. If I was repeatedly, gently advised that I was misreading things I'd go back and reread everything said. I have mental health issues, be amazing if I didn't but I'm unfortunately in a country that doesn't have a good structure for dealing with them and for the most part I muddle through.
ML You have resources to help you in your mental health, Please use them.
You are able to have a relationship with your Mum, ok It's not exactly what you want, whose is? You have it and you're running out of time. She doesn't need outings for quality of life. She does need warmth, security, medical help at the touch of a button. She needs to be cherished by a stroked hand, a gentle hug, loving words. Can You for one nanno second see the hurt you inflict on everyone of us who can't have that opportunity while you rant/rave, stamp your foot and complain how everyone but You is wrong. No of course you can't because you have a Narcissistic personality.
This is a fact, not an insult, not a criticism just what is. You could get help for you and that would help your Mum.
You could give Honest not overtly religious hogwash thanks and praise to people here who've tried over and over to help you.
I actually think your writings are like a terrible car accident, we all of us want to go past and not look and yet we find ourselves unable not to slow down and look.
I truly wish you well, though I doubt you'll believe that, I know my honesty in what I've written won't touch you. I do hope though that somewhere it reaches someone who can be helped if even just a little.
I hope with every fibre of my being that your Mum and your sister get the peace and contentment they so richly deserve.

LucyCW I am truly sorry for any hurt feelings I have caused you. You are a phenomenal woman.

LucyCW thank you for telling me how your BIL eats different on different days. I am glad you are trying to support me and not agree with me . I plan to spend quality time with my Mom as you all suggest.

wow, Lucy, amazing; wonder if it goes to show that therapy's not needed or are you just an exception - maybe it was that wonderful man you met; so sorry for what happened there

Without getting into any more conflict, I would absolutely accept the supervised visitation for you with mom right now and try to see the other points of view, Sadly, your deepest and most loving wishes that things could be different will not make them so.