Is there usually a point in which you know your parent is "gone" and you have to let go?

My mother had early dementia when she died two years ago today. While her behavior & memory wasn't half as bad as yours or the other situations I read here, it was still tough to watch the change. (she stopped eating) The "letting go" part occurred for my father and siblings. I think their 'giving up' was very pre-mature. I knew my mom was a fighter...I also knew that if one of us were sick, she would do everything she could to try to fix it or at least give us comfort. That's why I resent my father and siblings because they chose to "let her go" way, way too soon, concerning medical treatment. I know your situation is different...but whenever I see that term..."let her go"...it brings up these feelings. Therefore, I like others here would say hang in there for your mother. I think later you will be at peace with yourself. If you throw-in-the-towel with your visits...you could regret it later, when you can't 'take it back'. Be strong for your father, your mother and yourself.

I mentioned a book I had read about on this site in response to another question, but it bears repeating here: Loving Someone Who Has Dementia, by Pauline Boss. The author talks about being present for our loved ones by creating a new "normal" for ourselves. What we deal with on a daily basis is what she calls "ambiguous loss." Our loved ones are physically here, but no longer altogether mentally here, and this can leave us feeling sad and depressed and wanting out because of unresolved grief. We are grieving throughout our caregiving experience. That on top of the daily stress and hard work we put in. But we do it because we care. I recommend the book; it made me feel better. I hope it helps others, too. Hugs to all.

Dear Lightendpumken......not everyone on this site had a wonderful upbringing and/or childhood, or had a good relationship with their parents. So, to have to drop everything and care for their "elderly" parents can be a struggle that I understand completely.

My parents made no time for us, and when we graduated from high school, they kicked us out....literally! They said make it on your own as we have done enough. They took care of us out of obligation and because they brought us into the world. They never paid a dime for prom dresses, college, cars, or weddings. Never attended the Grandchildren's extracurricular activities or even baby sat with them. They are selfish people and just wanted us to leave them alone. So, guess what? I am happy to leave them alone. Also, sad but true, the Grandchildren are grown and want nothing to do with them. What does that tell you?

Well what I have to say to that is everyone is different . I know what you been though and the relief now off your shoulders. But if you truly loved your mom to me? You would have never said that. How long was you taking care of her? sence that happend to her? I took care of my mother for 10 yrs gave up everything. Why? Because she was there for me when I was little she would have NEVER walked AWAY that is from me as a daughter. Mother Is a Mother no matter what. Maybe one day I will be repayed back. if I do I do and if not I don't I did what I thought was wright from my heart and anything bad I did, I will be punished for it and I accept that! If I was dieing my mother would have never left me and wanted to be there for me no matter what the greef I did give her! If MY MOM DIES? I WANT TO DIE TOO!

Mom had Alzheimer's and we lived together, she, my children and I for her last five years. In fact, she did not go into the hospital until six days before she passed. Yes, there were many times when she had no idea who we were. It was hard on my children who were 17 and 15 at the time. But I recall so strongly that on days when she had a glimmer of herself she smiled. Smiled because my daughter's basketball team did well, smiled because I won an award, smiled because she could watch an old black and white movie. She did not know my name or the children but she could tell you that was Joseph Cotten in the movie. We should all try to take each day as it comes even when it is difficult to think about another day with someone who is fading from us. Take the person as you find them in that day. A day will come when all you want is to have just one more. I pray for all the caregivers and hope that today is a better day for you. One day at a time.....

Krusso, I visit my mom three days a week. I travel 180 miles a week to see her. I do not do it out of obligation. I do it out of love. We can only do what we can do. I wish circumstances were different and that I could still care for my mom at home. I have Bipolar and anxiety. It's only gotten worse for me and I can't do the 24/7/365 anymore. But what I give my mom is love, compassion and try to improve on her quality of life as much as I can. She still knows me and my sibs and looks forward to seeing each of us when we visit on our own special days. I try to come up with something special for her and I to do whe I visit. We just put together a photo album, colored pictures today. I realize it is different as your mom is not the same and you want her back. I feel the same with my mom. She's fading with her memory and it just breaks my heart. But I know in my case, if the tables were turned, my mom would be there for me. you are NOT a monster. Each of us are different and not everyone can deal with or handle the heartbreak of this disease the same way. But this site is an absolute godsend. We will support, listen and care about what you have to say, contribute and share. Blessings

I went through this with my Dad. What worked for me is to learn first never to
argue (I'm sure you don't). I went with him wherever he was. He was happy there and he became agitated if I tried to correct him. I know that everyone is different but it made it easier for both of us. Hugs!

Such compassionate answers and advice. i really have nothing new you justmy support for all this whoi struggle

Something I left out in my previous letters - I've been a devoted, caring, loving daughter to both my beloved parents & so wish I could've been w/Dad when he passed (can't say "died" yet.). I see mom twice a week now only because it was tearing me apart emotinoally & physically seeing her more often. Every morning I wake up to no Daddy & a mom who reallyy is no longer there. She used to get an aide to call - cuz she's worried when I didn't see her on a certain day - doesn't call anymore & probably never will again. All I DO know is like GraceofGod said in her last sentence is I will be my beloved mom's side when something happens - my Dad's gone now (now I'm the one tearing up)& I'm all she has left in the world - I'm an only child. But I will be right by her side every step of the way when her time here on earth comes to an end. Gotta go & cry now...

When I was caregiving both of my bedridden parents, I wanted so badly to send father to NH or wherever. Mom was a total vegetative state, trache in throat, stomach tube, oxygen to breathe (via trache). Father was my "problem" person. I would gladly care for mom than him...she was less hassle and did not lecture me, nag me, call me names, etc....My mom is not the mom of my childhood. I have learned to accept the New Mom - a stranger. The old mom was slowly disappearing, and the new mom was growing. Until one day, mom was no longer my mom. Mom has died a week ago. I have not cried from deep within my soul like others have with the death of their parent. Does that make me a bad person? I don't think so. But then I think so. And I will admit, that when mom died, I was so relieved. One less person to care for. My family all commented that I look so different before mom died and after. They say I smile more and I don't look so stressed as if the world is on my shoulders. I'm still waiting to grieve for my mom, a stranger.

Krusso, I have read on this site when people criticize others who directly tried to help them and to those who were just commenting. As you have discovered, no one on this thread condemned you. You were condemning yourself. And that is also part of being a caregiver. The guilt we face on a daily basis.

I have had several times received some advice that I did not like. But I do not automatically react and type away my response. I stop reading AC and just think about what the posters said. If I agree with them, I follow their advice. if I don't, I don't. I will tell you this - I have been hurt twice on this site. Both times, I cried for a week - at work, driving, bathroom etc... Each time, I've learned to guard my heart here. But I had others who showed me support and helped me to come back here. I do what I can to help others - just as I have been helped. You All Take Care!!!

In my situation, my mother is struggling from her 2nd stroke and "stroke dementia" as it is referred to is progressive dementia based on the number of strokes there is the potential for the dementia to develop and get worse. In my mothers current state of mind, I feel blessed because although she says things that could appear like she is confused to me, it is my belief she can not find the words to express her intention. For instance, she can say she saw Uncle Mike in the rehab room when in fact she means someone who resembled Uncle Mike. When I ask her How can Uncle Mike be here (with this quizzical look on my face), she laughs at herself and she will tell me he passed away and that is not possible. It is in my opinion a deficit in language and expressing herself in part.. Because I am able to joke with my mom about the changes ( mostly she is so happy I am there) . Currently she is in short term rehab ( after a second series of mini strokes) a skilled nursing facility. It is truely very important to be present for your beloved parent in these places because although not all employees will neglect my mother, some will! She was in the facility for 4 weeks and they kept telling me she was getting showered. She was telling me she was not getting showered. I believed her not the employee. The sad truth is some of these aids talk to the elderly as if they have all the authority and control! I believe she would be at risk of neglect if I didn't make my presence known....Some aids insist you even leave the room while they work on your loved one... and that is something I won't do and I explain that it is my mother and I will not leave the room. As painful as the deterioration due to aging and illness may be, I pray for the strength to enjoy each day with her regardless of her state of mind or even my own. I feel blessed even with the frustrations I imagine may come down the road from stroke dementia. I keep connecting with her because she laughs appropriately at my comments just the same as she did pre stroke. I can't always find a sense of humor but I am honest with her and she knows I try to keep it that way. When she says or does something off, I try to joke about it and her ability to laugh has helped me to deal with the on going battles even though I know she is suffering from the loss of independence since her first stroke. I spend as much time as I can with her while she is here on this earth. I lived alone for the last 20 years in another state, prior to moving in with her after her stroke. I want to be with her every step of the way.

Maria17, unfortunately, I've read some negative answers on site - I think last week sometime. But you're right, the tones are hard to read on a site & you do need to read the entire answer - but no I won't give up on this site - I just had a "moment" of feeling very guilty which I think all of us are prone to, aren't we? Thank you for caring...

Krusso, I see nothing but support for you and others on this thread. When you at first read something and think the writer has taken an angry tone, try reading it again with the thought that the writer is responding in a loving tone. The words on the page are hard to interpret sometimes. It's often up to us to give our fellow posters the benefit of the doubt. This site has wonderful contributors. Please don't give up on them. They are wonderful support system!

Beachybirdie so sorry for your loss. I was in the same chapter of this disease as you. Stayed by her side until the very end. Like you mom had an advance directive...(I think sometimes they are a blessing) I know my mom wouldn't want to live that way. My mom also died January 9th. I came back to keep in contact with others who are suffering, I love this site. The horrible way mom died is there but the good times are slowly sifting back in my memories. I wish you well...God Bless.
Krusso no one blames you for feeling the way you do. Lets face it...we have all been there at one point in time. I was so done with mom after the weeks and weeks of no sleep. And the fact that no matter what i did for her..it was not enough. It hurts to the very core of my being that she didn't know me anymore. We were the best of friends...and I was looking at an imposter. Some days I thought...why? Dementia is a horrible disease and for anyone that takes care of someone with dementia...they know it's the worst thing to suffer from. There was so many nights I cried for a little glimpse of mom. But I simply had to get over it..and roll with the punches. You are not the scum of the earth...it's a harsh reality that we have to come to terms with. You just haven't gotten there yet. But stay with us here on Agingcare.com. You can find some answers and share stories of your own. It's a wonderful support and heaven knows you will need it. I'm sorry...it's a sad journey but you won't regret it in the long run. Just hang on for the ride. God Bless.

I shouldnn't have gotten so upset before but there's SO much advice on this site that I actually took it to heart when I probably shouldn't have. I gave my answer & I stand by it - that's exactly what my parents would want me to do! I went through a LOT w/my Dad being in a nursing home twice & now w/mom. So, I will continue using this site - I just realized like I said in my first answer is that Sherry50& I are in the SAME situation! OMG - {sigh....}wow...mom had dementia & basically she's a stranger to me as well - I WANT my old mom back - I don't like this "new, replacment" model :( anyway, I'll keep coming to this site & if I feel I can help, I will. I know my situation & am confident in the decisions I made & that's alll that matters.

Lots of good advice, I just want to add to the chorus I guess, having just seen this through with my mom. My mom had dementia, and a lot of her spontaneous, playful personality disappeared. Sometimes she had a little of her old self, most often not.

There were times she knew I was someone she loved and trusted, but did not know that I was her daughter. Knowing that she could NOT see her caregivers in that same light, there is no way I could have abandoned her to strangers. I kept on, driving 30 miles, almost every day, to be with her, be a comfort to her, and just love her.

It is the hardest thing in the world to do. Every visit renews the grief of loss, and it never heals because it is continually re-opened. But I wouldn't have done anything differently. She wrote in her advanced directive that should she get to a point like this, all she wanted was someone to stay close by, hold her hand, and remind her she is precious to them. We did that. I'm crying as I write because it is all still so fresh, I just lost my mom in January.

Love her for who she is now, roll with it when she doesn't know you, just play along with what she thinks is reality. Your memories of your "real" mom will fade for a time as this new stranger is taking her place. But you will get through it, and your better memories of her WILL come back and comfort you.

Well, as to the answers & the ones marked as Helpful, I guess the general feeling is I'm a monster & will fry in hell because I only see mom twice a week - Well, you know, if that's what I am, then so be it - 'm tired too you know - exhausted & I may just end my life NOW since I'm the scum of the earth - sorry to be so blunt but I guess I AM the monster I thought I wa anyway. Thank you for your honest answers :) I may not post on this site anymore - I'm tearing up because I don't WANT to stop going to this site but there's just too many answers that say I'm a $itch & i just can't take it! So I will visit but not quite as often. gotta go - i'm ver tired...I just wish you all would understand MY situaton & how I REALLY feel...

I think many of the above are right -- even if they don't know exactly HOW they know they know WHO you are (you are yourself, not "daughter"...sort of a compliment actually). They can also tell that you care for them, even if they don't know that you are related (kids do that, why not elders?). I've noticed that the folks at my Grandmother's board & care light up when I take the time to talk to them as well (several of them have dementia, she does not). They know that I am not their "relative", but seem to love that they are being recognized as individual human beings. In a way it is probably easier for me to enjoy them because I didn't know them before, and so I get to just enjoy who they are now, and any conversation that I have isn't compared with how they "used" to be.

Dear Sherry50,
Please do not give up on Mom. All the posts above are right on. My Mom too passed from Alzheimers and colon cancer at hospice but I continued to visit every day and bring her her favorite foods, curl her hair, put lipstick on her, take her on her wheechair to see the trees outside and sit in the dining room to eat her lunch. But by the time the afternoon or evening rolled around she would call me and ask me why I never came to see her and one time told sis that I never came to see her for 5 days. So even if Mom forgot that I came and loved on her and even if she forgot, those times that I was there she knew and it gave her so much love and she was sooooooo happy. So even if it was a short time of happiness, it WAS happiness-and for me that's all that mattered. Trust me, you will not regret it in the end. If you can give your Mom happiness, love, compassion, etc.,. even if she doesn't know who you are, you will be so blessed and satisfied in the end and will feel a joy indescribable. Please try to remember, its Mom who's important here and now, lets forget about ourselves and our own hurt feelings. If Mom doesn't feel hurt if she forgets you but feels your love and compassion no matter who you are to her, that is what matters. God Bless you and help you in your struggles and give you the strength to love on your Mom to the fullest.

Please don't give up. My sweet mom was the best mom I could ever have. She was diagnosed with a progressive form of Dementia this last year in July after she fell. I took her in with me because the Doctors recommended she either go with me or a nursing home. I couldn't not send off to nursing home, she was 91 and I knew that she didn't have long...but when I took her in I was devastated with amount of care that she required. She wasn't sleeping at all.. her memory was going downhill fast. So my job was to find out all I could about what the dementia was doing to my sweet mom. I learned a lot from this group and from a gal named Teepa Snow. If you google her you will see what I'm talking about. It's not fair to your mom for you to resent her. It's not her fault that this disease is making her like this. When mom came to live with me..she knew me. She felt such gratitude for what I was sacrificing for her. But almost a month into it....that all changed. Her brain was dwindling...She had no clue who i was...or where she was. It was horrible. But once I learned how to handle it and work around the dementia...I was able to show love for my mom in a way she accepted. She was starting to show me the love back. I tell my story about the last week with mom and it makes me feel good. She could no longer walk, couldn't swallow or even talk. I would sit at the end of the bed with her, holding her up because she had no balance due to the disease. I would rub her back and she would lay her head on my shoulder. We would sit there for an hour or so...my arm would be hurting so bad but it didn't matter...what matter is that I was there for her. She passed away January 9 2013.
The caregiving was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life...but I can honestly say, I have no regrets. When you finally come to terms with what the disease is doing...you just simply go with the flow. Don't argue, or debate with her..she has no control over what's happening...just show the love. I know its frustrating..and you want things to be different. Separate your hurt feelings and do the best you can...and if you can't. That's okay...but don't give up. God Bless.

Beautifulsc~I can relate to the yelling and arguing. My mil complained constantly about her own mother who had Alzheimer's because mil had to be right. She complained how her mother would call her 5-6 times a day asking the same thing over and over again and how her mother would talk about her deceased husband who had been by that day or other deceased relatives. My mil could not handle it and she would argue with her mother. Once when mil was visiting us and venting about her mother, I started to laugh. Mil got mad and said it is not funny!! I said very seriously, I know it isn't, but if you don't find the humor in it, it will drive you nuts. She calmed down then and agreed with me. It is heartbreaking to witness the decline with dementia, the desire to force them back to our reality is a loosing battle that only hurts yourself. Join their reality, it give us a break from what is true if only for a few minutes. I suggest everyone make a memory book of funny, treasured moments, add pictures of your loved one.

Krusso~You are not a monster. I am struggling now with feelings of relief because the neurologist said my mother is legally incapacitated. This opens more doors for us to help our mother but I feel horrible that I feel relief.

Sherry, I don't think you have given up, you are grieving the loss of the mother you have always known. She is no longer there but yet she is. I suggest you read the book by Pauline Boss, "Loving Someone Who Has Dementia". It will help you to understand why you feel what you feel as you journey through this disease with your mother. I also suggest that when you visit her and she thinks you are her sister, just go with the flow on it, don't try to convince her otherwise because her reality is very true to her even though you know it is not real. An example: Yesterday my mom called me ( I was just at her house 5 min. earlier), when I answered the phone, she asked if I was Sharyn or "K"(my sister), I said Sharyn. She responded, this does not sound like Sharyn, I said, I have a cold mom. She sarcastically replied, well so do I!! Then she said, I will call back later when Sharyn is there. I calmly said ok. She called back 10 minutes later and everything was fine, she knew who I was. My father passed in 2003 from Alzheimer's. The last 2 1/2 years of his life he was in a snh. I visited him 2-3 times a week. Quite often he sat with his chin to his chest dozing. I would talk with him about the grandchildren and what was going with everyone in the family. This one particular day, I could not get him to wake up enough to talk, so after about 30 minutes, I gave him a kiss and said I was going to go now dad, I love you. As I walked away, he said, "Don't Go". I was so shaken by his comment because I didn't think he could hear or comprehend anything I said. I sat back down and he was awake for about 30 minutes while we talked together. I cherish that memory of him and I learned that even though he may not seem to be awake, he was listening to me and enjoying what I was saying though he could not respond back. They are in there, but they are in their own world that does include you, so enjoy where your loved is at the moment even if you have to their sister, a childhood friend, or their deceased mother. It is worth it to have cherished memories of them. Hugs to you!!

Hi, I don't think you'll regret continuing to visit her often. My 92 year old mom's in an NH with dementia, and has slipped into that twilight zone. She calls me "Momma" most of the time, but occasionally still knows me. I just try to stay in her world, feed her lunch or dinner, pat her, kiss her and tell her I love her. Sometimes she even responds likewise, or chuckles...those are great moments! My memories of who she was, and still is in her heart...is worth it to me every day. Best of luck during this very sad journey. I've heard it said to treat every visit as 100 hellos rather than the long goodbye! ♥

Sherry50,
While I can sorta understand where you're coming from, I don't think I can 'ever' give up on my mom because despite what I consider to be her 'short comings' (and mine as well), "she's still the only mother I will ever have in this world". God NEVER promised me that the road I'd taken in 'this life' would be an easy one, and despite the way my mom grew up (extremely abusive father, who at times could be very loving, when he'd let himself), she raised us the best way she knew how and ALWAYS gave us her last because that's how much she loves us.
Dementia, Alzheimers, etc. does some awful things to the ones we love the most, I've seen my mom do things and when I ask her what she's doing, she says, "I don't know or understand why, but I just do" it breaks my heart to see this once deeply independent woman so baffled by what's going on in her life now.

Although, I am her primary care-giver, thank God I do have other family (one brother and two nephews who help out, but 95% of the time it's me with God's help for me to make it through) there for me too, but I'd sure be nice to get a little bit of time to myself.

Lastly, sadly your mom is in her own little world now, and there's nothing you can do about it, so if possible why not try to make her as 'comfortable' as you can, while still "living your own life too"? Is this not what your mom would have wanted for you? In her more 'lucid' moments (praise the Lord for them) my mom says to me, "take care of you because I know that God is and will take care of me, whatever happens to me it will be alright in the end", and you know what she's absolutely right.
So, don't give up on your mom, continue to visit when you can, pray for and with her, live your life and leave ALL the rest up to God because He can handle it, much better than we ever could. Hope this helps.

P.S. for Krusso, ("Earth has NO sorrow that Heaven can not Heal", 2 Corinthians 1) Your love for your mom sounds wonderful but do you think she'd really want you to die along with her? I also want my mom back as well, but some things just aren't meant to be (but...!!!), and while it almost kills me to see my mom the way she is too (my older brother barely calls any more, and has come to visit only once she this all happened, but I'm moving on with my life just the same), I've got to 'live' the rest of the time that has been alloted to me because I won't be able to repeat it. KNOW that your mom loves you with EVERY thing in her, take that and move to make the most of your life, as a "living tribute to her" while she can still see it. 'Happiness' comes in stages, so let the good times you've had with her fill your live and be a form of happiness to you and not the continued 'sadness', which might not be so good for her. I will pray for you and your mom, and all here as well. Hugs to you and ALL.

Sherry, if you mean give up as in you don't want to visit your mom, please don't stop. Her disease has taken over and it's normal with progression for them to not know you. There were times my dad knew me and times he thought I was a coworker. I didn't care, I just wanted to be by his side.
If you mean give up as in this isn't my real mom and I want her back then yes you need to give up. The mom you knew no longer exists and short of a miracle, your mom is never coming back. That was the hardest part for me and its called denial. I got into counseling to help me. As long as I live, I'll remember the day I accepted that my dad was gone and not coming back. It was more difficult than the day he died. I still cry about it.
This disease is horrible for everyone. I pray every single day for those with it and for those who are caring for someone with it.

Your mom is at a stage in life where she needs family and friends to stand by her. Do some research on dementia and early stage Alzheimers. Step toward your mom and not away. And your Dad... remind him of his vows.

Tour mom can't help or prevent what's happening. Don't blame her for it and don'tbe ashamed of her.

I particularly like SunsetSheila's advice. Of course, all of the comments and advice on this forum are gems. SunsetSheila and many others are correct, in that, you have to go visit with Mom no matter her state of mind. Listen, when the brain cells die, that's it, they are gone.....and it only gets worse.

My retired MIL would visit her mother in the nursing home twice a month (200 miles away). When we would go with my MIL, she would yell at her Mother the entire time because she couldn't remember people, things, etc. My children didn't understand why their grandmother yelled at this sweet lady contantly. Those visits were so unpleasant and uncomfortable for everyone, so we stopped going with the MIL. Also, with Grandma being so far away, family couldn't be there to check up on how she was being treated. It was MIL idea to leave her in another state instead of bringing her here. Well, this dear sweet lady suffered many bruises, falls, and broken bones, etc. The staff always said another resident did this to her. My MIL refused to move her. So, you get the picture. Without family around, they are neglected. The attention and care always goes to the patient/resident who has "vocal" family members that are always present and showing up at odd times. It's sad, but it is true.

I was a friend and caregiver to a very old lady over the last 7 years, and gradually, in the last couple of years, her short term memory got worse and worse, and for all that time, her long term memory was pretty good. That is normal with many old folks - seems the brain lets us go back to some good events in childhood - she could not remember many episodes from her own experiences in married life, but she did remember places in her youth where she felt cared for. I really agree with Care1975 who said "I had to give up the image I had of my mom...." - I don't see that as a bad thing, but then I was never close to my mother, and most of the elders I've known well, were in their homes when I did caregiving, and i chose to stay with some over time. Maybe we long for our own memories - and should make a new scrapbook (a very simple one, with large print, and only a few key photos) and share it. I've found that some adult children come to visit elders, and are not prepared to make a shift caring for a current person, for whom getting up and remembering current events or anyong not in the room - are challenges now. I love the comments here, the decision to show up anyway - that's love. BTW, my youngest brother is in a nursing home, and they handle his laundry, but all his clothes are marked, and they are pretty good at doing it - but it's a small home.

When my mother died of many diseases, congestive heart failure, kidneys (nephritis), gout, arthritis, breast cancer to name a few it took ten years. It was difficult to watch her go downhill and her brain was totally normal. I asked the nurse why someone had to suffer so long. She said "I don't know but someday you will have the answer. It's been 20 years and I still don't know. I assume I will find out when and if I get to heaven. I also lost a brother instantly in a motorcycle accident. That was a shock, but so much easier for me to handle. I figure the ones that go suddenly are blessed by God to go so instantly! No matter which way they go we mourn and feel the pain. Still they are human and i know that they feel the love. Now I have my husband with AD. He has had it for 6 years and I am sure he will last a long time. He is healthy other than the AD. He still knows me but his emotions are gone and he understands very little. It is so frustrating. But I will love the man I married forever.

When my mother became too riddled with Alzheimer's to really know who I was when I visited her, I remembered how she went to be with my younger sister who was deaf, dumb and blind from age 14 months to 26 months in the hospital each day. She held her, fed her, though her baby daughter gave no sign of life nor recognition. If only for that, I would have suffered the many visits to my mom during her two years of severe dementia. She would have done the same for me. That's what real love is, it hurts sometimes.