Hello everyone... I have a question but I suppose first I should explain my situation... I apologize in advance for writing this...I feel insanely guilty asking and also stupid, I'm sorry... I also guess I should start with, after trying so hard to work, for years I've tried, I have been put on disability for trauma related mental illnesses. I note this because it makes caretaking very hard, my grandma will be understanding unless it messes up what she wants to do then she starts saying really hurtful things. I am not perfect and not looking for any pity or whatever, I am looking for the answer so I can not be a bad person; I feel scared and unsure if I am about to do the right thing or not... Also I am married but my husband lives in England and has a job there, he can't travel here because he wants to keep it for us, and I live in America. The last time I was there was 2 years ago, our anniversary is in March, I feel I am going to finally shatter if I don't see my husband on our anniversary, the only problem is... My grandma (80) who I am here with. She suffers from depression but otherwise she is fairly healthy. My grandparents I consider my parents because they took me in from bouncing around foster homes and between my birth mom and dad. But my grandparents house was severely* I stayed locked in my room, my safe place. ** Fast forward to present day...I love my grandpa, this past year was crucial, I got to know him, he had changed so much. He left with me sitting by his side in august last year; I had planned to stay here only 5 months when I came; and I came because my grandma said she needed me...she just needed me here to "watch" the arguments I'd seen always. Then one day she snapped I believe, she began abusing him and since then she has not been the same person...She is vicious to me, physically and emotionally. Since my grandpa "left" (I can't accept that reality atm) my grandma has made life horrible; she wants me to live as her and my grandpa did; arguing and watching TV. I have to keep my bedroom door open or she goes off, tries to break it down...That was before she decided I should be out of my room all day (we never, ever have had this kind of life, it's scary having to come out and being "therapist" (a role I've played since I was a little kid) is harder than ever and I struggle to contain my emotion lately. I try to talk to her but she doesn't reply unless we are yelling. The past 4 nights I've slept on the couch in the living room and she is sleeping on a bed in a room 20 feet away with no door. I've slept here because if I don't she yells and tells me how cruel I am... I feel guilty... And I don't wanna fight, so I gave in. I told her I need to go back to my husband at least for a few months because I miss him, I love him and he has been amazing... She says I am everything evil you can imagine and always adds that I owe her- I owe her because her and my dad took me in when I was a kid. So I am betraying her and abandoning her and selfish. Am I? I am starting to really resent her... I feel so bad typing that. She has 3 other kids that barely even text and that is what the source of her depression is she says. I've ended up in the ER twice due to mental related breaks ever since I've become ....whatever I am for her. I want to go, I hate myself for that... I am scared that if I go she'll die, and it'll be my fault..But I need my husband too... She says if I love her I will stay in here 24 7, and not go back even for 1 month... But I am planning on it anyway,... I think, I haven't clicked "buy" on the ticket yet but I am ready to... I just am in need of hearing someone please, please tell me if I am wrong or being bad... What if I hurt her so bad she dies? Then again I don't know how much more I can mentally take... I am so sorry this is the dumbest question on here but I can't understand if it is ok to go into my room to read or whatever; is it okay to go ahead and go to my husband even though she says she needs me here to help her? Or, to be her emotional support system, as she calls it. Blah I am so sorry. Thank you if you read this, and thank you if anyone replies; please don't be too harsh I ask... Please. Thank you! I hope this made sense...

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1OfficialMisfit: First, you ARE NOT selfish. Actually you're amazingly kind and giving.

Second, you do not owe your grandmother one thing. Not one. While she may have taken you in, that was her choice. And you know what? She'll kill you, not necessarily directly by her own hand, but by the stress she's inflicting on you and by you choosing to stay with her in this current situation. You do not have to accept this.

Third, your husband comes before your grandmother, period.

Fourth, call your local Commission on Aging or other social services agency or her doctor for an evaluation for whether she can live by herself or if she needs assisted living or nursing home. If they believe she can live by herself, then go to your husband. If she needs assistance, then help her move in, then go to your husband.

You deserve your life. Do not sacrifice it for your grandmother, but do help her get any help she needs then GO. Think positive because now you can take positive steps to help your grandmother and because you get to your real life. Do not hate yourself--you don't deserve that. Good luck to you and a {hug} for you.
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Please go. You owe this woman nothing. I think it very likely that you will grieve for the healthy relationship that never was. Please go to therapy. Don't worry if the therapist doesn't start dealing with the hard stuff right away. A good therapist will want to build trust and therapeutic relationship over time. You are not a bad person because someone else says so. And, please, please, be safe.
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Go for it. You need your husband and I am sure he will be over the moon when you arrive. Even though you have said the rest of her family do not get involved - tell them you are going away so they will have to make arrangements. Let her doctor know.

Press that button and get your ticket. Good luck
Helpful Answer (6)

Do not wait until March, leave asap. Get therapy and do not come back.

Speaking from personal experience it is incredibly hard to break away from abusive relationships. It is easy for those on the outside to say "just leave", but it is not easy.

You have said you survived your childhood with your grandparents by locking yourself in your room, not your grandmother will not allow you that, will not allow you to sleep in your bed. This is abuse pure and simple.

There is a very good reason that no one else in the family will have anything to do with her, they clearly see what sort of person she is and know it is not safe to have a relationship with her. Your body is telling you it is not safe for you to be there. The breakdowns you are having are a sign that you can no longer cope with the abuse.

Your grandmother will not change.

Your grandmother is 80, one day she will die, whether or not you are there. Your presence will not stop her death. Your leaving will not hasten it.

Please know that you deserve a healthy happy life. Know that it is possible, with lots of therapy, to overcome an abusive past. It is not easy, but you are worth it.

When you get to England, start setting up a support network. If you are religious find a church, find the numbers for the crisis lines (do that now before you move) and call as needed, stay on the phone as long as you need. Find our if the local Women Against Violence Against Women offers free counselling and sign up, (it is not just for those coming out of an abusive marriage). Find a doctor who has worked with patients with trauma, if needed get a prescription for meds (if the first med does not work try another), find a therapist who works with people who have gone through childhood trauma.

In the weeks and months after my breakdown I saw 4 different counsellors/therapists, joined two support groups, saw different doctors tried various medications, I called the crisis line several times. I have continued to see one therapist on an as needed basis. It has been almost 4 years. I heave learned to live my life for me.

I would not try to get POA before you leave. You need to cut ties and heal, not get sucked back into the drama and FOG. She is not your responsibility.
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How often on these boards do we see an abused person now taking care of their abuser? Too often..the guilt associated with being abused keeps us frozen in a state of fear..which is what you are feeling.

Hiding in your room all your life? That is not love, that speaks to fear and abuse.

Can you text or email the MIA sibs and tell them that as of *this date* you will be no longer willing or able to care for g-ma. They'll know why. Then pack your things, move to England and don't come back. Don't look back. And please, get some help. It will take a lot of therapy to get you t a healthy mindset.

You owe grandma NOTHING.

Please go hit "buy" on that ticket and go.

All the best--reach down and find the strength to go.
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1OfficialMisfit, you ask if you are right or wrong. You are wrong. You are very wrong to stay in that abusive situation, you are wrong worry about what will happen to GM if you leave. Your first responsibility is to yourself, and next comes Husband. You are NOT responsible for a person who has been and is abusive to you.

The right thing to do is to leave. I know that is certainly not an easy thing to do. When you decide that, yes, you are going to do the right thing and leave, start a new post and ask questions about how to go about it. Plenty of people here can give you practical suggestions and support.

Oh. And another things you are wrong about is feeling guilty! That is a very hard habit to break, but you have NO reason to feel guilty.
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Make sure ‘mom’ can do for herself and then go see your husband. The best thing would be for you to STAY with your husband and begin therapy, 4 days a week.

You don’t owe ‘mom’, you were a kid and as an adult SHE made the decision to take you in.
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If you spent your childhood hiding in your room, that was not really ‘saving’ you from much. She wants you to fill the role her husband played, one of target. My parents fought like cats and dogs my entire life, and when he died, she started working on me and my spouse. We left, but not until after my spouse took an overdose of Valium. SAVE YOURSELF,YOUR SANITY, AND YOUR MARRIAGE. She will not change if she hasn’t by now.
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You KNOW what you have to do.
Yet, if you are basically a kind person (which you are), it is very hard to leave bad situations because you hope they will change.

NO matter which choice you make, you will feel bad for something as you have feelings for others. SO, BEGIN TO HAVE PROTECTIVE FEELINGS FOR YOUR SELF and go to your husband which is your true life... and yes, work it out with a therapist or a good shamanic energy practitioner when you get back to England.

Now, one last thing:
Even if this grandparent had been and is good to/for you, your duty is to live your own life. They lived theirs already.

Place her in a facility, find her a caregiver, or if there is no money for that, have a social worker help her out to find her care. Move her into Medicaid support. You choose an Elder Lawyer to work with you long distance, and sign needed papers via email/fax, etc., from abroad if you hold POA for her.

POSTSCRIPT: I shared your situation with my husband and he wants to make a few more points:

Your situation reminds me of a terrible divorce situation where there is abuse and danger. In these situations it is best to move out completely. Rent someplace while you are taking care of finding her support through social workers, etc. It is not wise to seek help for her while you are staying with her. You need to take care of yourself. It is also easier to seek help for her when you don't have to confront her with it...she wants her own way, not what you want. You will think more clearly when you are on your own and you can explain your history with her to the care support...that you can no longer do this and ask for their help. Let your husband know what you are doing and....Then, go to England!
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Like RayLStephens said, get the H out!
But first change your name from "misfit" to " not gonna take it anymore"!
Running here for HELP will get you stronger dear girl 😉😘
I had a nasty ol granny like yours...EWWW!
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