Please don’t think I am the worst daughter on earth...

No guilt! My two cents: anytime everything revolves around ONE person, something needs to be adjusted. There are other people around you who also have needs. I think your entire family, including your dad, would benefit from him being moved to whatever level of care accommodations he needs. Then you can set aside dedicated time that works for your schedule to go spend with him (once in awhile, the whole family can go see him). With someone else taking care of his physical needs, you can focus on your father/daughter relationship and enjoying each other's company as you walk him through this stage of his life.

Hi Nataliesofe! Sorry to hear about your ordeal. You are not a bad daughter at all. You tried your best to make it work for everyone . It sounded like your dad is not the same person anymore when he just first moved in with you. I think its best if you find a place for him and a private caregiver.

 Everything’s done for him here. Why would he want to? * i think this statement is uncalled for though.

I hope all will be sort out in a way where everyone can be content and happy.

Reading this forum helped me to realize that bringing my mom to live with me and my family with young children is a totally bad idea. I am forever grateful, because it seemed like an automatic thing we all should do...let our demented parents come live out their years with us. Gosh, I didn't even realize it was a healthy option to do the exact opposite. It also make me think about having a definite plan in place to NOT burden my own children and their families when it's time for me to live out my final years and possibly with Dementia. I will not do this to my kids!

I'm trying so hard to build healthy boundaries with my mom and my failure to thrive, 55 year old, addicted brother, who lives with her. I have decided that having compassion does not rest in family obligation. That taking care of myself and my family first is the loving thing to do for all. That creating a different living arrangement than what they expect is not cruel. That guilt can be a liar and we give it entirely too much power in our lives. That one person in our lives cannot have the power to destroy the rest of relationships.

Whenever guilt paints my thoughts, I try to reset my mind and rest in creating a loving plan for all involved and stay firm in my resolve. Tell guilt to essentially "*iss" off!

I wish you peace, strength, health, and clarity as you move forward in creating these things in your family.

Find him an assisted living apartment (close by so you can take the kids over regularly) with activities and a cafeteria. This will be difficult and your dad will probably fight back but this is what is best for all involved. If you struggle with this, think about a possible future where your dad has passed away and you are an unhappy, divorced, single parent of two struggling to make ends meet. Start looking for a nice home where dad can make friends. Use the new baby as an excuse if you have to.

I absolutely know where you are coming from!!. My mum moved in with me over two years ago. She has sucked the life out of me with her negativity, her ridiculous ways and behaviour and has dragged me into depression needing counselling. I hate living with her and can't wait till the day I am free to have my own life. You are not alone but you need to try and find a solution before it damages you and your family life. My mum is 93 and has no idea of the adverse effect she is having on me as she is so immersed in herself and has been for many years. Good Luck for the future. X

I will answer before reading the other 71 "answerers" here :)

Please do NOT in any way, shape or form, be apologetic. You sound like a very conscientious, wonderful daughter, with a huge age difference with your dad.

When I was 19 and first married, because I was a nurse and my husband the "golden child" of his family of 8 brothers and sisters, they naturally assumed his father would come and live with us. I said NO. I am pretty sure my husband did not want to either; I really do not remember but both have passed away many years ago. But I was married my husband, not him and his father.

Fast forward to my being 60+ and Mom (90's) living with me. She has no one else and despite our differences, we get along fairly well 95% of the time. BUT, I am single, 3 children grown (youngest about your age), and her husband (my dad) and my husband passed away a long time ago. So it works.

But, I never never would have had a parent(s) live with me while we were a young family with children at home. We needed our privacy and to deal with the ups and downs between the 5 of us, not the 5 of us plus a parent.

Both of you and your husband sit down with your father and have a discussion with him to let him know that although you all love him and will always love him, that the situation is not working out and that you all need your privacy and find an assisted living facility (ALF) where he can live and you all can visit. Sounds easy... it isn't, I know.

But YOU and your family are important and need your time alone, to live, to love, to argue, to "everything" else in between. Just please do not feel guilty.

I well understand your plight. Look for a functional Senior Living where they play card, trips to plays, meals made for them. If you have to visit it yourself, talk to them, get rates. If it checks out take dad there and let him look around and then tell him it is close to your place so you can still drop in. But with a new baby, you really can't do it anymore. And really do visit him there.

Hello! I was recently in the same situation with my mother. During the time she stayed with my family we also had marriage stress, so much that it almost ended our 10 year relationship. We also have young kids and it is a very important time for them to see how a family dynamic works. I chose to move my mother out to a care facility because I can never get the time back with my children and while they are so impressionable it is important to show a loving union with their parents. You are not a horrible daughter... you are just trying to be a good mother and wife. It is a very hard balance. We didn’t have the funds to place my mother in a place I would have wanted so you are fortunate to have that on your side. This is something only you can choose but know that if you do it, it’s ok and you aren’t alone. It’s very demanding and you start resentment toward your love ones if you prolong the care you are able to give. I do feel guilty but I also know once my mom is no longer with us my family will still be together and I can’t say that would be the case if I continued to be her care giver. It’s easy to lose yourself, remember you can’t care for your kids and husband if you don’t take care of your self first. Luck to you!

Hi there, please believe that obviously you are a kind and caring daughter that your father had a part in raising. You were brought up to be an awesome person and want to do the best for your family. You are struggling with asking him to leave but, in time you may very well find out he is happier with people his own age and, if in the right facility he will get appropriate care. He may very well be feeling out of place where he is now - obviously a smart man his lack of “fitting in” with socialization may simply be an indication and knowledge of being a burden and not knowing how to proceed. Give him an opportunity to live somewhere else and hopefully he will live his life in a situation suited to him and his capabilities.
Take care of you! You want your family to thrive and it is okay to realize he may thrive in another environment.

I felt the same way with my late dad more than my late mom. I don’t think you can make your dad understand that it’s very difficult for you and your family to take care of him without him feeling like he is a burden on you.

Mind you, I am disabled with cerebral palsy…. When I finally gave up, and to keep my promise for my dad to die at home, I decided to hire one of the in-home agency without Dad’s consent. I knew that he would say no if I ask him if it was okay. My dad became a very stubborn person. I used his money for his care ($2,000/month). I actually got some relief from worrying about my dad.

So, I think you should do the same thing because if you don’t, you definitely will have a nervous break down!! However, first, tell your dad that he needs extra attention, and care. Then, make the arrangements for the in-home care or senior living facility. ❤️🙏🏻

Stop thinking as a daughter. If he can afford it, then move him out by taking him to assisted living places.
Take a deep breath. Sit him down, and tell him just (nearly) what you wrote here. But, add that you are concerned with his safety and his mental well-being. Like a kid, he needs friends that are his peers. Take him to the places you think he'd approve. Then have him choose. Put a deadline on it and stick to it.
I can hear you now. I CAN'T THROW HIM OUT. Well, yes you can.
Before you end up with an elder that needs care that does him no good, your kids no good, and most of all, your marriage no good.
Look into Brookdale facilities. My parents lived in one and it was fabulous. Like an apartment not a nursing home. No shared rooms, unless he wants to share a two-bedroom. Terrific food with a daily menu, not take-it-or-leave-it. Lots of fun including outings.
Believe me, I've been there. Your dad will flourish. Your home will be yours again. Just do it. Remember you are responsible for his safety, not his care.

NatalieSofe,

Stop beating yourself up and go find a 55+ community and/or Assistance facility that offers everything your father needs and more. There many places for seniors that are active and their around people of their own age and can get involved in activities or they can stay in their apartments.

You need to take care of yourself, your baby and family. Your health is paramount.

No, you’re not a bad daughter. You’re just nearing the end of your rope trying to take care of a difficult aging parent while managing a growing family. You have a family and a marriage, and they are the new priority.

I would get him in his own digs before he’s too sick to live on his own. If he has the means to live outside your home, he should do so. It doesn’t sound as if even he is happy with the current arrangement.
Maybe you can get some information on senior living places (some are very nice near me) and talk to your husband and get him on board. Hopefully your husband will support you in restoring peace to your life - well, as much peace as you’ll get with a newborn. 🍼

I think part if the reason you are feeling the way you are (bad about wanting him to live elsewhere) is because you ARE young! You haven't had a chance to learn that you are allowed to have boundaries with your parents, live your own life and put yourself and family first, etc. But this is exactly what us older people will tell you! PLEASE put you and your family first, ESPECIALLY because dad can self fund other options! Sure, he doesn't want to if he doesn't have to, but it's time for you to focus on YOUR family. Trust me when I say things will not get easier with your father at 86. And you have young children who absolutely need and deserve your attention first...and you and your husband, too. Get dad into independent or assisted living somewhere. If he is a social butterfly, find a place where there are lots of activities and clubs, so he can make friends and find things to keep him busy. Let him be a grampa to his grandkids the way he should be. BUT DEFINITELY don't feel like a bad daughter about all of this. That is why there are so many senior living communities and facilities springing up all over. Seniors need a different level of care than children do, and it wouldn't be fair to either your children or your dad to have you splitting your time and efforts between both. They both deserve the right level of care which you will NOT be able to provide to both, no matter how hard you try. You will make yourself sick trying and that just isn't fair to you and your family ...you have a long life ahead of you, which you deserve to enjoy. Don't miss out on your kids growing up because you're trying to care for dad. It will not get easier with him, just when your kids will likely need you more, too. So please help him find a good place for him elsewhere and be happy!

Hi you are not the worse daughter on earth you have a family which is about to become larger. You will have to find somewhere for yor dad for the sake of everybody. You have done well to do it on your own for 3 years. Where ever your dad goes you can still visit him and if its possible take him out. Although all of that has to be your decision, your are still young and need to enjoy time with the family. Good luck in what you decide your a loving daughter otherwise you just wouldn't care which you do hence feeling guilt which you have no need x

Oh sweetie! No, you’re not the worst daughter. I’m almost twice as old and all my children are grown...and we struggle with the same things. It’s wearing.

I’m not going to give you advice, because there are so many different variables. My family made our choice to stay in the same house...but we have a large house which allows all of us to have our own space. However, my father is still self-sufficient. Just a lot of odd habits and demands to be waited on. Mobility is an issue since he’s got bad knees and often never leaves his bed.

While he can can get out of bed, bathe, dress, and feed himself, then we’re willing to stick it out. But if lifting becomes involved, we just won’t be able...and that’s because we want everyone to be safe. We also have a lady in once a week to clean his room and change his linens.

But it that’s us. You have a young family that demands your attention. You’re not horrible. You’re tired. And don’t minimize being tired.

You're all set up for him there......so it will be easy to say that he must go to another living arrangement, but, he can visit occasionally. You can decide what that will be. Every weekend, one weekend a month, on holidays, whatever, and he gets to see his kids. My mother in law used to stay a week with us at Christmas. The other option is to somehow separate his space from yours, like an in-law apartment AND he hires a full-time caregiver.... You are obviously overwhelmed, particularly thinking about the addition of a newborn. Do not feel guilty.

I understand, it's difficult. Moved my mom with us, we have no children and a bit older 57. Mom will be 93 in June. Hard part is the only one who helps me as much as she can is a sister who lives in the other side of the country. Maybe you can take him to some of the nice, appropriately priced senior living community in your area. Do a little research check them out before you go. They usually give free meal with tour. Try Christian care, they have places all over. So maybe he can get a feel for it. Because it sounds like you need the space and time for your growing family. Not cruel just reality. He can see the grands still.

“He’s 86 and a wonderful man, no doubt there, but the constant idiosyncrasies, his weird habits, the noises, lack of social graves and just blatant absence of manners is driving me mad.”

You sound like ME!!
You can add “constant demands, constant complaints about the food because of his teeth because he doesnt have any and his partial doesnt fit anymore and the constant smells of medicated lotions and his furniture stinking to high Heaven!”
I finally told hubby “Its your dad or me!” “I cant take it anymore!”

Your too young! You are barely starting your family! You DONT NEED THE STRESS!!
Its not good for you but especially not good for the baby!
You need to sit down with your dad and be like “Dad, I love you, but this isnt working. We are going to have to find you your own place. I am really stressed out with the baby and the little one and doing everything around here. I cant do it anymore. I dont want to hurt the baby because Im stressed out.”

See what he says? If he loves you and cares about you he will understand, but if he doesnt then your going to have hubby tell him to get out!

I know its a really hard thing to do but my father in law is the same way! Since they are old men they like having the woman do everything for them. Its the old west 1950s mentality. “Women should cater to the man”
Well I DONT cater and I DONT follow demands, not even for my husband!

Your way too young to be going through this! Your dad needs his own place! Theres social workers and elderly services to help him. Make phone calls and start the ball rolling, the more you work on getting him out the more relief you will feel.
Believe me, since hubby agreed and we found a place for his dad, Im still stressed out but I see the light at the end of the tunnel! I know soon he will be out and that gives me piece of mind everytime I see him being arrogant and making a mess. In my mind Im like “Dude your days are numbered!” I laugh because I know that he will be living with his arrogant self and I dont have to have the constant stress!

Do yourself a favor and start looking into senior care and living options! Get him out before he gets sick and he cant live on his own!
Sometimes you have to do tough love. It sound harsh but your dads life is almost over and yours has just begun!
Good luck and HUGS!!

The ONLY person who doesn't need to think that you are the "worst daughter on earth" is YOU! No one else is living your life or helping your situation. Anyone who tells you that it is YOUR responsibility to care for your father in your home is speaking from their reality, not yours. Caring for our parents means many things. Helping him find a great living situation shows love, just as much as having him live with you, maybe more! Loving yourself and your family enough to express your feelings is a great start! You, your husband and your little ones are your priority. Keeping dad around and becoming resentful will do nothing for you or your relationship with him. Do what works for you and tell anyone who has anything negative to say to back off. I am really not sure where this idea that caring for our aging parents means that they live with us and we give them the best part of our lives, came from. It does nothing but make sweet, loving people feel like crap. You know what you need to do - do it!! :-)

I couldn’t imagine what you are goi g through. It is too much for you and your family but on the other hand blessing your dad with your care and a home is the the greatest thing you can do in hindsight.
If he has the funds, what about having someone come in from a reputable care agency a few days a week to give you a break? Say three days a week where you leave and they can provide him with companionship, light housekeeping, and any type of medical appointments. I didn’t have my mom move in with me because of this reason but I did get a caregiver for this reason in her own home and carried it over when she moved into her Assisted Living for peace of mind.
You need to care for you and your family and as you go through each day the stress will build and believe me there will be break downs. But now that my mom is gone, I am so happy I got her the extra help when I did instead of just brushing it off because I was frustrated and felt like I was going down a rabbit hole.
It is awesome you’ve come to this site to get some great ideas.

You have too much on your plate! You need to tell him how you feel! It sounds as if he's kind of clueless to the needs of others. It is easy for older people to become very self centered and not remember how it was to be young. It also sounds like he doesn't know how to do for himself! You may need to teach him and then don't back down! Let him do it! He needs to see how hard it is for you! If he can afford assisted living look into that! It might help for him to have a social life! He's tooooo comfortable right now!

Hi Natalie. I have just read Your post and I could feel Your Heart break. Of coarse I could never think I'll of You because You have Cared for Your Dad these past three years with the greatest of love but unfortunately a time does come when We need to make the right choices, and You are doing so by putting Your Husband and Children first. You are a young Girl and You and Your Husband & Family should be enjoying Family Life Together hence please do not feel guilty as no Person here on this wonderful Site could condem You as We are not here to Judge rather to help and support fellow Carers. My advice is to make arrangements to get Your Dad into a nice Care facility near You so You can call to visit once weekly.
Yes Natalie most of the Members on this Site are American, also Canadian and World wide as I am Gaelic and many of my great Neighbours from the UK subscribe Here too.
Good Luch and I wish You great peace and joy. John Joe.

Some have suggested you reason with your dad. I found this an impossibility with my mom. She insisted that I stay to care for her in her home or get someone else to do it. My son helped for 4 months. That's all he could take. After 7 years of caring for her, it turned out I couldn't handle it any longer. She was mostly nice to me and to everyone else. Sometimes not, but that was the Alzheimer's. Even so, it wore me down. You say you can't do it any longer. You know that and it really doesn't matter if your dad or anyone else thinks you should continue to do something you know you can't do. Find him a good place and move him. My mom is happier now in assisted living, which seems a miracle, considering how determined she was to stay in her home.

You are not a bad daughter whatsoever. You are young with a young family and a husband who need you. Dad's gonna have to go elsewhere. If you can afford assisted living that sounds like it would be perfect. He might even like it!

I know what you are going through is so hard. My Mom, age 93, never wanted to be moved from her home. She has physical issues along with Alzheimers. Our home is not handicap equipped. My brother (POA) put her in a large mc facility. She did not do well, had many UTIs, then got c-diff 4 times from all the antibiotics. It was a nightmare. I would suggest you contact A Place for Mom and have them find a smaller place for your Dad, My Mom is in home (a normal house) run by an LVN. There are only 4 residents and she receives personal care and attention, It took her a few months to adjust, but now she really likes it there. She has become very close to the 2 caregivers. Before she only wanted me or my sister. It is such a relief and an answer to my prayers. I feel like I have my life back and can enjoy it without feeling guilty. I also would recommend getting hospice involved, not for end of life care, but for monitoring his vitals weekly, showering , etc. They really are great and your Dad would come to know the nurses and aides also. God bless you and you sound like a wonderful and devoted daughter. You deserve to have your own life with your sweet little family. ❤️

You be an example to your kids. Show how you care for your parents. They will have to do for you. You can not have everything in life. Yes sacrifice some of the sex life romanace. If your dad is helpful and does not diatribe your family life and enjoy the kids good for you all. Work with dad and tell time has come to listen to kids and slowly give him the guidelines to live a happy life in the house. You are lucky you have a good husband. For few more years you have lot on your plate. Be a daughter be a wife lover and a mother. Try to our source some of the work which others can do it.

First off, no you are not the worst daughter on earth. I wouldn't even consider taking my mother in - I am not young and my back could not handle caring for her, especially if she fell (she outweighs me by a lot!) and even before she started down the dementia path, she could drive me up the wall, sometimes in a matter of minutes! 6 months, 3 years, no way! I do what I can as far as handling her finances, arranging care, getting any supplies not provided by the facility, etc, and even what I do is sometimes a lot! Anyone here tells you otherwise (that you are horrible), ignore them!

Being in another country, it is difficult for us here in the US to recommend a place for your dad. Also, you mentioned some of his idiosyncracies, but not what his general health and cognition are. The things you did list could imply some early dementia, but it could also just be the way your dad is! Knowing where you live would help anyone who is from there make suggestions, as the offerings are different, even here. Knowing what his health/cognition status would also help others recommend the right place for him!

Meanwhile, you need to find a place asap, before the baby arrives. Having a newborn, you need all the rest you can get and to focus on the baby and you. It is hard to care for a baby, even more so when you have another young child to care for, and you certainly don't need to be pandering to your dad!

If you can at the least find a temporary place (short term placement) for him, start with telling him that you will not be able to care for him when the baby comes (you won't even be home to do it, even if you wanted to!) Once he is there, move forward with making it permanent, either in that place, or another if that isn't a long term place. With being so far along, perhaps your husband can assist in finding a place for him (online searching helps, but someone needs to check these places out and you don't have a lot of time left!)

Meanwhile, if he is still capable of caring for himself and doing some chores, assign them to him. As someone else said, he might get tired of that and WANT to move! Eliminate any/all care you currently provide - only ABSOLUTE necessity, such as a bathroom 'accident'. Let him fend for himself - so long as you cater to him, why would he want to go anywhere?

Hello and sorry for your predicament. You are very young to be taking care of kids and an aging dad. I think it is time for him to go to assisted living. You are not the worst daughter. You are human and can only do so much, and handle so much stress. Hugs to you. Handling an aging parent is extremely hard.

Tell him you love him but it is too much to take care of him. He has to go. Sure he will get mad, but you are no longer able to do it. You have a new baby on the way.

He needs to be around more people his age and where he can go to activities to keep himself young. Stagnating at your house is no longer an option. You and your husband took on too much at your age. I wouldnt wish that on a younger person your age. At least with older children of aging adults in their 50-60 etc they have grown children. It is too much with a young family. It is also very stressful on the older generation too!

You will go look at places with him. You and your husband will have to put your foot down and say its happening. There needs to be a deadline too. If there is no deadline, every place looked at will be turned down.

You both need to be firm with this. You can move him into a place nearby. Good luck.

I haven't read all of the responses so I might duplicate some, but here's my perspective as someone who is 60 (but whose husband is 12 years younger). My husband is wonderful, kind and understand, but the stress is having a negative emotional and physical affect on me, he sees that and sometimes is the target of it, although he knows I don't mean to.

You have to put you and your family first. You want the best for your dad, naturally, but that can't be at the sacrifice of your family or even just your sanity. In the year and a half that my mom has been living with us, one thing I've noticed is that she has become very self centered. It's all about her and her thoughts, feelings, decisions, wants, needs, etc. As her dementia and Alzheimer's has just recently been diagnosed, it seems to already be getting worse. (The difference with her is she wants to do it all, not have it done for her and she simply can't do a lot of it anymore.) Somehow as they are aging their world turns inward.

I don't know if anyone else has mentioned it, but one of the big concerns is your children. I have a 24 year old who had both grandparents around until her middle school years when my dad's Parkinson's disabled him and they couldn't visit anymore. She has the memories of fun, healthy, energetic grandparents, but now she's seeing a grandmother who can be difficult, forgetful, and quite frankly, more of a child than an adult. Then there's the added stress that my daughter suffers with depression, anxiety and PTSD and this is wearing on her. And she's an adult. I can't begin to imagine what affect this could have on a very young child.

So, don't think you are a horrible daughter. It's time to sit down and have a serious talk with Dad. We can hope that he will realize and understand that you have to put your family first. If he doesn't, then you will have to proceed anyway - without his input. Your health and the well-being of your family has to come first.