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Follow your heart. You are 81. I lost my husband suddenly when I was 51. You need to live.
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Reply to SID2020
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Suggest to daughters hospice home care? Medicare home health aide only comes as long as rehab..& if patient not progressing, rehab & any aides end
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Reply to CaregiverL
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It’s your choice but pretty sucky for her. Your choice is a zero sum solution rather than trying to find some respite for yourself without abandoning her. Reminds me of the song “You Picked a Fine Time to Leave Me..”
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Reply to jemfleming
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I suspect if you move out and leave the family to figure out the caregiving, they will not continue a relationship with you--so decide if living alone is more important to you. Move out but give them a month's notice. You can go ahead and rent your own place but it might be best to move to another town if you have family elsewhere. Start moving your stuff. It's time to discuss it with family and your friend. I am 82 and now I am doing my best to take care of me. I can't imagine taking care of someone else. Another thought that would give you more freedom is for both of you to move into assisted living separately.
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Reply to VLS799
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She is dying. You are old. Get her placed in a care facility. Visit her briefly once a week or once a month and live your own life. There does not need to be a divorce. There is no reason for her family to expect you to do any more caregiving of any kind. She is too sick and old to live at home. There should be no guilt attached to your letting her family know you are too old to be in charge of her care. This is the graceful way to enjoy your life without regrets. You get to live alone, care for yourself and see her as a long time friend that is slowly passing away.
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Reply to JustAnon
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You lived with her for 25 years. You are her life partner not a business partner. I think the first question is how you are going to make sure she is safe and taken care of. Once she is settled in and well cared for, what is next for you both.
Will you still contribute to her support financially and emotionally? Will you be there to hold her hand? Will you visit? Will you be with her as she takes her last breath?
Or are you planning abandonment after the good times are over? It is a fact that we all will die someday. We all hope to leave this earth surrounded by loved ones. After twenty-five years don't you still want to be with her in the end?
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Reply to liz1906
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I would tell her daughters exactly what you said here. See if they offer any help or suggestions. You are clearly burnt out! You are physically active too! It is absolute torture to be cooped up 24/7 for a physically fit spouse!!! Its so unhealthy and a seditary lifestyle shortens your life. My late husband's care just about killed me. I am shocked I didn't total the car just from my inability to sleep. He was up at all hours roaming and a fall risk. If her own daughters don't offer any suggestions, then you will need to contact a social worker and explain she is no longer safe at home. They will place her if you scream loud enough. Ask me how I know..... You need to be the squeaky wheel. Once she is placed, then simply visit. You might find yourself feeling affection for her again. Right now your love bank is completely empty and overdrawn. 12 years of caregiving would deplete anyone! This is truly a lack of support for caregivers issue, not you abandoning your spouse issue. My teacher friends with little kids get Mom & Dad daycare support. My friends who meet certain financial criteria get Headstart support. Many have said it wouldn't even be worth working without this help from the government. Why don't caregivers get the same daily support????
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Reply to Caregiveronce
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