I've been taking care of my partner for 12 yrs since her diagnosis with stage 3C ovarian cancer. She started having seizures when it metastasized to her lung and then her brain. The new meds are helping those seizures, which last only a few minutes and happen on average every 2-3 weeks. On top of that, when I was out west on a hiking trip, she had an accident when staying with her two adult daughters and fractured her scapula, ribs and the heel bone. She's been in rehab out of the house for 6 weeks and just came back. I must say that I loved living alone for 6 weeks (I'm 81, in relatively good shape, except for CLL). Thanks to Medicare and her daughters, she has home health care people coming in. Our 'partnership' used to be a relationship, but that has changed and has been changing for years. I've been not only a caregiver, but a maintenance man, repair man, chauffeur, and so much more. I still care for her, but now I want out to have a chance to live the rest of my life in my own place. I've given myself 8 months for that to happen. At some point, I will need to express that to her. It will come as an enormous surprise to her and her family. How to do this and still stay involved with her family?. Also, after 25 years together, I've never felt I was completely accepted and embraced as a family member. If I left, she would either have to go to assisted living or have someone else come in to live with her.
Best to just come clean NOW and let the chips fall where they may.
And most certainly don't expect to still be involved with her family or with her actually as you after 25 years are wanting to take the easy way out.
I guess it's a good thing that you never married huh?
Keep the conversation very brief. I'd give 3 or 4 weeks notice.
"I'm going to be moving out in 4 weeks to take care of my own health."
If she is living in "her" house and you are living there as well how would YOU feel about both of you moving to an Assisted Living facility?
You would get the help that you need.
You would be able to leave on a trip and know that she will be cared for.
Most AL facilities also have other levels of care available so when/if she needs Long Term Care of Skilled Nursing that would be available.
You would no longer have to be
Maintenance man. repair man, chauffer (most facilities have transportation to doctor appointments, stores and outing as well.)
this alone would take a LOT of stress off you and allow you to have a relationship that is less caregiving and more just caring.
The decision to leave is yours and yours alone.
I can tell you you will get a lot of flack from people saying that now that the going is tough you leave. Or other comments.
Will you feel "guilty" leaving now?
These might / would be a totally different comments on my part if you were married and it would benefit her if you were to divorce so that she could qualify for programs that are not available to her.
But, you are also giving reasons to end the relationship:
"... I loved living alone for 6 weeks..."
"Our 'partnership' used to be a relationship, but that has changed and has been changing for years."
"...now I want out to have a chance to live the rest of my life in my own place."
This is your decision and no one should judge you for it, at age 81. I think it's pretty clear to others who read your post that you're done with this partnership on all levels. You won't be able to stay engaged with her family, so make the annoucement soon but give them time to fill the gap your care provided.
If you don't have family or anyone to help you when your time comes (and it will) then this will be critical for you to figure out. IMO if you stayed with this partner I would not necessarily expect the daughters will care for you should you need the same level of care. THat's how blended families often are, especially since you expressed, "...after 25 years together, I've never felt I was completely accepted and embraced as a family member." I would take this seriously.
In any relationship that requires trust there will always be risk and the potential for pain. This could happen at any juncture in a long relationship. Your leaving could feel like a breech of trust but you have been a caregiver a very long time and your life matters as well.
I wonder, from your post , if what you are asking for is a reprieve from the caregiver role more than a desire to end your relationship with your partner and her daughters. Does that seem right?
Even though you mention you haven’t felt accepted, there is a bond. If that is true, your loss may be greater than theirs with your moving out. But it doesn’t change the desire to savor life for a moment w/o all this responsibility and to plan for your own future.
I assume you are living in your partner’s home presently and there is no expectation that the home would be yours when she passes? At 81, that is a significant consideration. You do have to plan for your own individual life and one eould assume her life span will be shorter than yours.
I also assume that you don’t expect the daughters to look out for you when you are disabled? Has that ever been discussed? Do you have children?
I don’t believe your plan is unreasonable. The sooner you distance yourself from the full time caregiver position, the easier the transition will be for the three of them when you actually do move out.
Do you now manage your partner’s finances or does one of the daughters? Who is her DPOA? Who is yours? In other words, how separate are your lives already?
I think I would let your partner know you need help managing the home and her care and you want her to have the best care possible which might be in an ALF. That you are willing to help with the transition if that is true. But that you need a break from your current role. Perhaps this needs to be done with her daughters first. It might be a welcomed conversation as they have just had a significant event with her care.
Do you want to live nearby or were you thinking a cleaner cut? Over on a weekly basis or Christmas cards in the mail? Do you have a relationship with the daughters children?
Wishing you clarity and opportunity for reflection as you make this transition and a workable solution for your partner and her family to not feel abandoned and a plan for your own support when required.
Are you not better off considering both of your futures in a realistic way and moving into AL together, as Grandma suggested?
Reading your post makes me very, very happy my husband of 16 yrs and partner of 20 hasn't taken your stand after I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer 3 yrs ago. But then again I didn't leave him when he had 3 consecutive health crises over a 3 year period either.
I don't see that you're asking a question or asking for advice, maybe just seeking validation for your decision. In my world, partners of 25 yrs do not bail when the going gets rough, sorry. They find other solutions that accomplish their goals, like respite care for the sick loved one so the healthier one can travel. But if there is no love left, then they break that news swiftly and honestly, and leave with the least fanfare possible, so the grieving partner can grieve in peace.
When he began his relationship, he was 56. In my state, after 25 years, they would be in a common law marriage.
So, he needs to be careful legally.
But, where is the love?! Twenty-five years?! Really?!
I can certainly understand his desire to get some relief from the caregiving. I was my mom’s caregiver for 20 years, until her passing from Alzheimer’s Disease. So, I get that. Caregiving is tough, and it does not get easier with age.
He should talk with her family, explain that he cannot do the caregiving anymore, and work together to come up with a solution by which she gets help and he can still stand by her.
I personally could not walk away as he is planning. But, then again, I am not a “NYArtist”.
You're 81 years old, for the love of the almighty! Have you never before "broken up" with someone? If you want the relationship to be over, then end it. Never mind this 8 months stuff, or trying to "stay involved with her family". If it's over, let it be over. Finished. The end.
I won't get into the "morality" of you leaving at this point, because I don't know all of the details. But waiting 8 months is not going to make it any "easier" for any of you.
I can't imagine it would take you 8 months to find a place to live - unless your finances are so enmeshed that it will take that long to navigate through the legal system to separate them. Or unless, as others have pointed out, it's not the relationship you wish to end, but the caregiving. But only you can make that determination.
In most instances divorced couples do not maintain contact with spouse or family. You will be making a new life. You cannot have it both ways.
If this is your choice you will have to have the courage to face the reality of it, and the truth of it. The truth is that illness has utterly changed your relationship, and your partner, due to no fault of her own, is utterly changed. Your own position, therefore changed from one of being romantic partner to a caregiver, and you can no longer sustain this.
The truth hurts. You can say that you hope to remain a visiting friend but cannot go on as the primary caregiver. You are correct that she will need to move to care for the end of her life. I am certain that she herself recognizes the sad truth, that your lives are utterly changed, that you never signed on for the long haul with marriage, and that you may at some point not be able to sustain what your lives together have become.
I really am surprised she is still alive with all that is wrong with her. Maybe you could get Hospice in. This would mean no more doctor appts or hospital stays. An aide would be there 2 or 3x a week to bathe her. You could ask for longer than an hour to run errands or just get out of the house. Maybe, hire an aide a few hours a day?
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/when-does-someone-need-assisted-living-493364.htm
You're completely justified to feel as you do at this point. Your partner needs more care than you can provide at your age, and you're dealing with your own health issues.
Is it possible to find an assisted living facility that you can move into together? This could be ideal (although expensive). This is what I did with my disabled husband once I reached burnout and was jeopardising my own health. Now I'm free to come and go as I please and still know that my husband is safe and in good hands.
I don't know how to say this delicately, but it seems that waiting 8 months is unrealistic now that the ovarian cancer has metastasized to her lung and brain. What is her life expectancy realistically...?
Sending best wishes
With burnout, it is totally understandable that you need help or aren’t able to care for her anymore. You let the family know you care for her, but because of your own age & limitations, you just can’t do it anymore 24/7. They SHOULD understand this & still let you stay involved as you still care. I don’t know If wait 8mths, but the 3-4 wks some have said send short too. May take more time to get everything in place, financially, facility, etc.
As for the relationship just isn’t the same anymore & I want my own life “partnership used to be a relationship”….. Any marriage or a relationship that is 25yrs has ups & downs & changes & includes all the things you listed, Maintenance, chauffering, Would she have felt that way if you were the one who was sick? Even in this case, caregiver burnout is understandable though. If this is truly -you don’t want to be a part of this “partnership” anymore, then don’t expect her family to be happy about it or want you involved. As others said, You’re basically divorcing her & most of the time that severs the ties.
I hope it is the first scenario & you are simply burnt out. But either way, sounds like she does need more care. So much depends on how you approach it with her & her family.
I understand completely your need to break away from this and find some peace on your own.
What I do not understand is your need to "still stay involved with her family". If you have never felt accepted as a family member, there is no reason to try now.
Talk with her first. This is a relationship that is no longer working for you. The caregiving is more than you can or are willing to do. Be direct. Don't use vague language that will confuse her as to your intentions. Tell her what a relief it was when she was being cared for in Rehab. Suggest that she consider long term care in a facility that can care for her, unless her home care is meeting her needs.
Tell her you can not be her care giver any longer. Let her make her own choices and let her tell her family about the changes in her life.
Be prepared to feel like the bad guy. She might try and guilt you into staying or insult you for leaving. You can be sure her family will say nasty things about you for giving up on her during this time.
You do have the right to live your life on your own terms. You are burned out and need to change how you are living, no matter what anyone else thinks of it.
You are probably going to have to make a clean break. You can't desert her, go live on your own, then want to be a part of her life as a friend because you still care. In this relationship, you're either all in, or all out. Maybe she will still want you in her life and understand your need to distance yourself from the difficulties of her care needs. That will be up to her.
You say that the relationship changed considerably before her illness, so the caregiving role isn’t necessarily the sole reason for leaving. Giving yourself eight months seems arbitrary—you don’t explain what that’s about. I’m not sure why you want to remain connected to her family if they’ve never fully accepted you. Are they a part of your social fabric—even if it’s not truly accepting of you? Is it that you care to know how she’s doing? Many families are happy to leave all the caregiving to one person, and for her family it’s you, no matter how disconnected they are from you. Even though someone comes in, you’re still driving the bus solo. If you were to become ill and unable to care for her, they’d need to figure out her care. It’s their turn now. This is going to be a major life change and not everyone is going to be happy. It’s uncomfortable for you at some level. I do agree with others that assisted living is probably a good idea for her to get 24/7 care. She may not need that now, but it looks like it’s on the horizon. Her family needs to step up. Good luck.
What did you think a serious relationship at your age is going to look like? It's not going to be all fun, games, and travel? Real stuff happens to people at any age and if you love the person or ever loved them, you don't abandon them.
If you care about your partner, you won't just walk out on her. You can still have a life without abandoning her. Lots of men (and women) in long-term relationships or marriages have a sick spouse/partner. Or someone's in a nursing home. Many of these people have something on the side that their partner/spouse doesn't know about and there's no reason for them to know.
At your age if you can't caregive anymore, it's okay. That's when homecare takes over. If she has to go into a care facility, she has to go into one. If you still want to have an active life and do the things you enjoy doing and even have a little something on the side (so long as you have discretion and your partner doesn't know), that's okay too.
What's not okay is to abandon the woman you've shared a life with for many years.
I feel if you approach the situation a bit differently you might be better received.
I would have a discussion with your partner and her daughters. Let them know you are no longer capable of doing 24/7 care. It is time to have your partner in an assisted living type situation. If it’s her home you have been living in then you can discuss renting it or another place, near by so you can still go on a regular basis to visit and be apart of her life. We all know burnout from caregivers.
Sounds like her daughters know all to well the time and commitment it takes to take of a loved one, since she was just there recently and had the falls and other complications.
Just because her daughters have never accepted you as family the person that counts anyway is your partner.
We all know family members that has had to put their loved one in assisted living because they just couldn’t do it by themselves anymore.
Good luck in your situation and begin now to find a great place for your love and partner.
It sounds like the relationship needed to change, regardless of what incredibly insensitive posts or how family members may react, this is not for them to decide. I say go on the adventure of a Lifetime. It's not too late. You are worth it!