I've been taking care of my partner for 12 yrs since her diagnosis with stage 3C ovarian cancer. She started having seizures when it metastasized to her lung and then her brain. The new meds are helping those seizures, which last only a few minutes and happen on average every 2-3 weeks. On top of that, when I was out west on a hiking trip, she had an accident when staying with her two adult daughters and fractured her scapula, ribs and the heel bone. She's been in rehab out of the house for 6 weeks and just came back. I must say that I loved living alone for 6 weeks (I'm 81, in relatively good shape, except for CLL). Thanks to Medicare and her daughters, she has home health care people coming in. Our 'partnership' used to be a relationship, but that has changed and has been changing for years. I've been not only a caregiver, but a maintenance man, repair man, chauffeur, and so much more. I still care for her, but now I want out to have a chance to live the rest of my life in my own place. I've given myself 8 months for that to happen. At some point, I will need to express that to her. It will come as an enormous surprise to her and her family. How to do this and still stay involved with her family?. Also, after 25 years together, I've never felt I was completely accepted and embraced as a family member. If I left, she would either have to go to assisted living or have someone else come in to live with her.
Are you not better off considering both of your futures in a realistic way and moving into AL together, as Grandma suggested?
Reading your post makes me very, very happy my husband of 16 yrs and partner of 20 hasn't taken your stand after I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer 3 yrs ago. But then again I didn't leave him when he had 3 consecutive health crises over a 3 year period either.
I don't see that you're asking a question or asking for advice, maybe just seeking validation for your decision. In my world, partners of 25 yrs do not bail when the going gets rough, sorry. They find other solutions that accomplish their goals, like respite care for the sick loved one so the healthier one can travel. But if there is no love left, then they break that news swiftly and honestly, and leave with the least fanfare possible, so the grieving partner can grieve in peace.
When he began his relationship, he was 56. In my state, after 25 years, they would be in a common law marriage.
So, he needs to be careful legally.
But, where is the love?! Twenty-five years?! Really?!
I can certainly understand his desire to get some relief from the caregiving. I was my mom’s caregiver for 20 years, until her passing from Alzheimer’s Disease. So, I get that. Caregiving is tough, and it does not get easier with age.
He should talk with her family, explain that he cannot do the caregiving anymore, and work together to come up with a solution by which she gets help and he can still stand by her.
I personally could not walk away as he is planning. But, then again, I am not a “NYArtist”.
In most instances divorced couples do not maintain contact with spouse or family. You will be making a new life. You cannot have it both ways.
If this is your choice you will have to have the courage to face the reality of it, and the truth of it. The truth is that illness has utterly changed your relationship, and your partner, due to no fault of her own, is utterly changed. Your own position, therefore changed from one of being romantic partner to a caregiver, and you can no longer sustain this.
The truth hurts. You can say that you hope to remain a visiting friend but cannot go on as the primary caregiver. You are correct that she will need to move to care for the end of her life. I am certain that she herself recognizes the sad truth, that your lives are utterly changed, that you never signed on for the long haul with marriage, and that you may at some point not be able to sustain what your lives together have become.
But, you are also giving reasons to end the relationship:
"... I loved living alone for 6 weeks..."
"Our 'partnership' used to be a relationship, but that has changed and has been changing for years."
"...now I want out to have a chance to live the rest of my life in my own place."
This is your decision and no one should judge you for it, at age 81. I think it's pretty clear to others who read your post that you're done with this partnership on all levels. You won't be able to stay engaged with her family, so make the annoucement soon but give them time to fill the gap your care provided.
If you don't have family or anyone to help you when your time comes (and it will) then this will be critical for you to figure out. IMO if you stayed with this partner I would not necessarily expect the daughters will care for you should you need the same level of care. THat's how blended families often are, especially since you expressed, "...after 25 years together, I've never felt I was completely accepted and embraced as a family member." I would take this seriously.
Best to just come clean NOW and let the chips fall where they may.
And most certainly don't expect to still be involved with her family or with her actually as you after 25 years are wanting to take the easy way out.
I guess it's a good thing that you never married huh?
You're 81 years old, for the love of the almighty! Have you never before "broken up" with someone? If you want the relationship to be over, then end it. Never mind this 8 months stuff, or trying to "stay involved with her family". If it's over, let it be over. Finished. The end.
I won't get into the "morality" of you leaving at this point, because I don't know all of the details. But waiting 8 months is not going to make it any "easier" for any of you.
I can't imagine it would take you 8 months to find a place to live - unless your finances are so enmeshed that it will take that long to navigate through the legal system to separate them. Or unless, as others have pointed out, it's not the relationship you wish to end, but the caregiving. But only you can make that determination.
You're completely justified to feel as you do at this point. Your partner needs more care than you can provide at your age, and you're dealing with your own health issues.
Is it possible to find an assisted living facility that you can move into together? This could be ideal (although expensive). This is what I did with my disabled husband once I reached burnout and was jeopardising my own health. Now I'm free to come and go as I please and still know that my husband is safe and in good hands.
I don't know how to say this delicately, but it seems that waiting 8 months is unrealistic now that the ovarian cancer has metastasized to her lung and brain. What is her life expectancy realistically...?
Sending best wishes
I feel if you approach the situation a bit differently you might be better received.
I would have a discussion with your partner and her daughters. Let them know you are no longer capable of doing 24/7 care. It is time to have your partner in an assisted living type situation. If it’s her home you have been living in then you can discuss renting it or another place, near by so you can still go on a regular basis to visit and be apart of her life. We all know burnout from caregivers.
Sounds like her daughters know all to well the time and commitment it takes to take of a loved one, since she was just there recently and had the falls and other complications.
Just because her daughters have never accepted you as family the person that counts anyway is your partner.
We all know family members that has had to put their loved one in assisted living because they just couldn’t do it by themselves anymore.
Good luck in your situation and begin now to find a great place for your love and partner.
If she is living in "her" house and you are living there as well how would YOU feel about both of you moving to an Assisted Living facility?
You would get the help that you need.
You would be able to leave on a trip and know that she will be cared for.
Most AL facilities also have other levels of care available so when/if she needs Long Term Care of Skilled Nursing that would be available.
You would no longer have to be
Maintenance man. repair man, chauffer (most facilities have transportation to doctor appointments, stores and outing as well.)
this alone would take a LOT of stress off you and allow you to have a relationship that is less caregiving and more just caring.
The decision to leave is yours and yours alone.
I can tell you you will get a lot of flack from people saying that now that the going is tough you leave. Or other comments.
Will you feel "guilty" leaving now?
These might / would be a totally different comments on my part if you were married and it would benefit her if you were to divorce so that she could qualify for programs that are not available to her.
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