How do I plan for the future with Dad now that he has moved in?

TG, there are limited steps you can take at this point of your Dad's life. You can make sure that he has a living will (health care proxy), and POA papers. If there are no assets and he requires more care than you and your wife can offer, then a nursing home that accepts Medicaid seems to be the only option. If he is a veteran, you might seek out information on Aid and Attendance benefits so you will know what help may be available. Home health aides and assisted living cost money. If his income is sufficient, you may be able to get some adult day care with some of those funds. You can make sure his insurance stays in effect! I guess you can even 'charge' him to live with you (with a written document) and then save that money for his future use. It might help extend his living with you, but not for long. My Mom's care in Assisted living ran just short of $130,000 for her last 18 months of life. Live in aides cost close to $5000/month. etc. Sadly, end of life care costs big bucks. Those who fail to plan aren't left with many options.

I sympathise with the exasperation one can't help but feel when faced with a parent who calls it fatalism when we might choose other words for it…

Reading through, though, your father just sounds - well - tired. As though a peaceful dotage quite appeals to him, perhaps, do you think? I don't want to make your heart sink. I know that there is a world of difference between the idea of having your active elder in the house and one who seems to be withdrawing into total inertia. It is deeply discouraging, and a far cry from the image one has in mind starting out.

So to go back to the planning, you mention your sister - I'm not sure hanging a label round his neck and packing him off to her would be entirely fair, but on the other hand does she have any ideas to contribute? At this point it probably isn't fair, either, to expect your father to take an active role in the planning: if he was ever going to, he'd have thought about that before and it won't get you anywhere (except relieve a little tension, but only in a way that will leave you feeling like a bully) if you try to concentrate his mind on it now.

Is the BIL your sister's husband, by the way?

Wow. What if he outlives you? A full 1/3 of caretakers die before their patient does. Not all NH's are bad. In fact, most are very good and most patients like it there, after a while.

You need that sign that says "Your failure to plan, does not mean this is an emergency for me."

My mother is 96 and my MIL is 92. They are both very happy in full time care. My sister died suddenly, taking care of mother. Good luck, to you.

If you have not yet done so, get going on power of attorney, will, medical and end of life directives, life insurance, pension and all financial affairs. At some point you may need to take care of all these things when he is no longer competent. As he ages and becomes frail and forgetful or develops dementia all this stuff will be very difficult. Do it soon.

Do you have legal authority to invest any of his assets? If so, I would do that, although others might advise not to because it could interfere with getting Medicaid.

One thing I would highly suggest is keeping busy and working out - not gym type heart pounding workouts but just walking, maybe gardening, getting out and about as he did on the recent 8 hour trip (although shorter trips would be better).

As I recall he had some specific business interests; could he participate and/or teach through SCORE? What about participation in Senior Center activities?

Keeping him looking and planning ahead, and physically taking care of himself so he can do that, will help his mind set, which I think is just as important as his physical issues.

Heck, even walking he dog in the neighborhood would get him outside, meet other people and get some exercise.

Oh and of course I thought of something as I hit the post button.

Sometimes participating in charitable activities in which it's clear that we're not as bad off as others creates a sense of gratitude as well as desire to help. Maybe he could dish up food at a food kitchen, pack food at a local food pantry, help out at an animal shelter or rescue group,...something that allows him to share with others.

I don't recall his mental state, but I've seen repeated requests in local newsletters for people to help with literacy projects. There are the Big Brother and Big Sister as well as Scout projects.

Thanks for the help. His mental state is just fine. He has the ability but not the desire to do things I guess. I give him small tasks but it takes forever. Right now I have him fixing a piece of furniture for one of my groups. Of course he takes it to an extreme. He wants to get a job but he cant walk across the room without being out of breath, and forget walking the dog, I have asked and requested, we have a beautiful place to walk for 2 miles that is very safe and great this time of year but not the ambition. I have offered him to volunteer he hasn't gone on to do it though. I have him in 2 volunteer groups but there is always an excuse. If he could drive every day to visit friends and relatives and go out to dinner every night then he'd be a pig in mud but that cant happen. He is good at spending money and planning to visit people (because he gets catered to). At home he has to do his laundry and feed his dog.... really that is all he as to do, I and my wife do every thing else... Id love for him to empty or fill the dishwasher, or clean his room and bathroom or pick up his dogs poop in my yard.....or mow the lawn or tend to the landscaping (he wanted a garden but I nixed it as he wont care for it, just plant a hundred tomatoes then we have to weed, pick and can). He loves to plan but not follow through. As far as score that may not be the best idea, he was a good craftsman but a lousy business man,.... I got him in to a church which he likes, got him on the building committee which he likes but that is where it ends.... I just worry about what if something happens, I don't want to lose my life savings and retirement................ His failure to plan became my emergency.......

I guess I am being unfair with all of the issues I deal with. I am trying, it has only been a year since he moved in, we are still getting used to the process. I am trying to be more positive but at dinner I can't talk cause every bit of conversation has to have a comment or a "Cliff Calvin" moment where he knows all about the subject. My wife and I were just getting used to being on our own and going places on the weekends now I am tied to the house.
I am a bit annoyed that he did not plan better for the future, my parents did a great job raising us but they had quite a few financial upsets and spent their way through their life. I cannot complain as I was the recipient of their spending as my children were. They enjoyed themselves, my in laws on the other hand saved every penny. Totally different upbringings.
The future will fall to me. I can see it now by sister and her husband (my BIL) will come up with an excuse at the time but will be sure to tell me what to. My brother..... "is out of the picture", we do not communicate and he has no money, or so he says...
I can't ask at this point what he wants as he doesn't know nor does he care. As long as he is cared for he will be happy. I look at it this way, he didn't plan so he wont have "a dog in the fight".
My concern is what will medicare cover or do I look to the state? My wife's brother is in a home out of state and he had no insurance and the state he is in takes full care of him. We work very hard to keep him where he is. He had a stroke and is in a wheel chair. We are on year 5 with him. It cost every penny of his savings to get him in there but now medicare and SSI cover his basic needs. It is not the Ritz but he is cared for. We cannot visit him due to geography but I check in every week and send him what he needs, talk with the home and the Doctors and nurses to be sure he is in good care.
I guess I will have to bone up on social security and assistance if and when the time comes. Right now he has insurance and I make sure he pays it every month.

I have the DPA and will etc.... I do need to update it as it has mom on it and my sister have medical POA so I have to be on that as well since she is many states away. Have to update the DNR as well.The only thing he has is 2 life policies that I am beneficiary on.