If you are person that was physically abused as a child and now the abused caregiver what do I do?

Cathymeyer, if he owns the house, you may have earned the right to continue to live there even after he goes on Medicaid. If your care has kept him out of a nursing home for two years, you have some rights to the house.

Talk to your local Area Agency on Aging, if you haven't already done so.

Jessiemae - Make sure you consult a lawyer about the house. It would be just like him to tell you he put it in your name so you would pay the taxes and insurance!

Your father is endangering your emotional wellbeing and your husband's physical health. You are not a little girl anymore being forced to cater to an adult bully. You could very well snap and end up abusing your abuser. It is not unknown to happen. Him being elderly will cause you to be in trouble. Call APS and get the ball rolling to get your father placed elsewhere asap.

I am somewhat in your situation. My 91yr. old uncle molested me when I was a child. I was 13 and my father had just died when it first started. He never actually raped me, not because he didn't try, just because I always managed to get away and lock myself in the bathroom or run outside. My aunt was a mean spirited old woman and everybody was afraid of her. She was my mother's sister and my mother was intimidated by her, so even though I told my mother, the most I got from her was to just try to stay away from him. I'm 61 now and still harbor great resentment. I eloped and married my husband when I was 19 and we moved to another state. I didn't have to deal with them for several yrs. until after my mother died. They had no children and so here they move back here for me to take care of them when they could not longer get along on their own. Trust me, I didn't invite them. I did help take care of my aunt till she died at 93 a couple of yrs. ago. I resented it, but I did it. Now my uncle thinks I need to fix his lunch everyday, check on him, take care of anything else that comes up. Never has anything ever been mentioned about how he used to chase me around and grab and try to kiss me. I've tried to be nice, but lately I just want to scream at him to leave me alone, I don't care what goes with him because I am tired of acting like nothing ever happened. His family lives in another state and have nothing to do with him. As a matter of fact, they moved from next door to his brother when they came back here. I often wonder if he tried to rape his brother's girls is why they don't have anything to do with him. He still lives by himself and there is no way I would live with him. As I am typing this he is trying to call. I just let it go to the answering machine. I had knee replacement a month ago and can't do for him like I used to and he drives me crazy always on the phone. If it comes to where he can't live alone, I am just going to have to put him in a home if he will go or let APS take over. He has plenty of money, but is super stingy. He put his house in my name so I pay the insurance and taxes. I would say to think of yourself and get out of the situation if you can. Don't let him ruin the rest of your life. You wonder why people like that are left here and can continue to torment like they do. Good luck.

Taking care of a former abuser is usually not emotionally possible. He could just be handing the solied clothes to you because he has lost any semblance of abilities to be socially appropriate or to remember to even dump the poop in the toilet first; he could just be saying hes doing it on purpose to give himself an alternative to realizing just how bad his thinking has become. That does not make it OK. Completely forget about any obligation to think about shaping his behavior/ or rewarding bad behavior. It may have never been possible before, and it certainly isn't possible now. Stop and do what is best for you and your husband. Allowing smoking in the house when there should be none, for your husband's sake, simply cannot and should not go on. Your husband's lungs totally trump your dad's desire to smoke. I cannot comprehend how professional people are telling you that there is no choice but for you to take care of him. This is not correct. No one can be required by law to do an impossible job. Your dad has no business assuming you will take care of him no matter what he does, but that seems to be set up as the underlying assumption. If there are entanglements such as Dad owning the house and you having no other place to live, there may be enough evidence of incapacity to get guardianship or have the state take guardianship and some choices are then taken away from him; an estate planner or eldercare attorney could be needed to make sure of consequences to any particular course of action. One thing to try would be to see if they have a social worker at Sloan-Kettering connected to your husband's medical care who would help you and him with getting out of this unhealthy situation with inappropriate expectations of you.

Dear Cathymeyerny,

Please read every response on this post. All of these good people know that you cannot live like this. If you live with your father, somehow you need to move out. Do so and then call adult protective services and tell them that there is a man alone at this address and he may need their help. This is not for his sake but for yours. Someday, may be glad you did.

As pstegman said, find a job - any job – so that you can take care of yourself. If he has to go to the hospital, then that's where he stays until adult protective services decides what to do with him. You have no obligation to take care of someone who abused you so viciously as a child and who continues to abuse you.

You are the only one who can change this. Don't let anyone - even his doctor - lay any guilt on you. If some agency tries to push you into more caregiving, give them the names and contact information for your siblings. Tell them that you have been abused too much and that you will end up in the hospital if you don't get away. Tell them that you are done and they can work with your siblings.

If you need help right now call your local help line or 9-1-1. Many states have 2-1-1 where you can call with all kinds of questions. If your state does, they can guide you.

The main thing is for you to get away or get him out of your house. Call the police if you have to. Just don't back down.

Please contact us again and let us know how you are doing.

Carol

This sounds like an ideal situation to have the state step in as guardian. Have a social worker from your county human resources come in to evaluate the situation. He needs to be out of your house and removed from your life. And for yourself -- find a job and keep your job. Don't destroy your own life anymore. IMO, you have no obligation to the man who made, and continues to make, your life so hard.

Margarets, good point about the therapist, time to find another .. and I agree that paying someone, from your pocket, is so totally not the answer.

I would throw him out. No joke. Pack up his stuff, set it on the front stoop. Tell him has to go. Hand him a list of senior agencies, phone numbers, etc. When he throws a fit, call the police. Have them escort him out.

Then wash your hands of him.

Side note: I would also look for a new therapist because one that hasn't got more advice than "pay someone to look after him" obviously doesn't understand your situation OR know about the services available in your area. Both of these are a therapist's job.

Just a passing thought .. is it possible to disavow, emancipate or something similarly legal from a parent? I'd be finding an attorney to cover my a$$ and get OUT, have a list of the phone numbers/contacts of my siblings to hand over to anyone who asks me to do the caregiving. The greatest hurdle to overcome after abuse is the sense or feeling that somehow it's deserved. You *know* better, but you've been trained to accept it, at some level and the body responds to what it knows. In the meanwhile, document: keep a diary with everything that transpires .. as much as you can tolerate writing down and then a bit more. Keep up with your therapy. Reach out for help for YOU. It's out there.

Save yourself. No other agency is going to rescue you. You must do it. Does he live with you or do you live in his home? If he is in your house drop him at the hospital and refuse to take him back, or drop him on protective service doorstep and tell him he is homeless. Don't take him back. Get a elder lawyer, and refer all calls and pleas to the lawyer.

I looked up the NY agency, it's Protective Services for Adults. ocfs.state.ny.us/main/psa/services

As long as you allow him to live there, in the eyes of the law, you are volunteering for the way he treats you, and they will do nothing to help stop the abuse. But, because he is elderly, if he decides to make your life miserable and report *you* for elder abuse, the state will believe him and investigate. I suggest you get him in the hospital with ALL his clothes/belongings in a plastic bag, and leave him there. Let their social worker make a placement, let Adult Services get him on medicaid and file the paperwork to get him a public guardian.

Don't buy him more cigarettes. If he falls on the way down to the store, fine! Just call 911, don't pick him up.

Get a job. He will pull another stunt that lands him in the hospital. Let him stay there, do not pick him up. You are the only one who can break the vicious cycle of abuse. Save your life and your sanity. Walk away.

Dear friend, I have been in a similar situation, horribly abused as a child. Mthr chose to walk away from me for 8 years because I laid down the law, that is, enforced a boundary. Then APS called for us to rescue her. The second or third time she hit me in the hospital waiting room, I remembered why I had not missed living in her home.
Let me tell you - your father does not deserve you. You are a kind strong person, and a good father wants their child to grow up, move on, and have a good life. Sadly, I think your bio father tore up his dad card a long time ago. It's time to stop his abuse.
Adult Protective Services exists because there are people that no one can help, whether from finances, attitude, all the relatives dying off. It does not matter. They are a government agency that we are all paying for (and I am the biggest proponent of small limited government you will find). Your dad is who APS was made for. He needs to be a ward of the state.
Contact Adult Protective Services. Tell him you cannot do this any longer, and he needs a public guardian. Get him admitted to an emergency room for flu, for a fever, for threatening to hurt you or him. Once he is there, walk away. Tell the social worker you will not take him home. Be firm.
You do not have to take care of him ever again. Hang in there, get him out of your home, and get some space so you can recover. I know what you are going through.