If you are person that was physically abused as a child and now the abused caregiver what do I do?

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It's verbal mental and emotional;_( I can't take it anymore. I've been seeing a therapist, she said pay someone to care for him, that's kind of hard if you don't have the money or job. I've also gone to his Dr. who knows how he is and tells me I have to take care of him, because no one else will, gone to Office of the Aging to get him out for awhile, they can't help and he doesn't want to go. One example of what he does is; he will poop and pee in his pants and give them to me to launder for him with the poop still in them. When asked why do you do that he said to get under her skin-meaning me, or to break her horns. What kind of person does that. As children he would punch us all over the house, use a Bull Whip on us, and then we would pee our pants as children from the beating, and he would say oh you pissed your pants now I'm going to give you something to pee your pants for, and you got beat even more. I am 55 years one of 5 children and the only who does anything. no one wants anything to do or for him. Why and how come it is ok for him to do this. I don't understand and can't take it anymore. As far as I can see it, if I pay someone to do what he should do I will still be abused, and that's like rewarding a bad child. So he gets rewarded for being bad and I'm paying for it. Where does that make any sense? And every time I find myself a job outside the the home, he'll do something to wind up in the hospital and I have to quit my job because I'm told there has to be someone at home with him. So that's how gets me to be with him 24/7 and just beat me down to nothing. I have no more friends, because I don't go out. I have no outlet for me. Nothing! He even smokes in the house after my Husband had lung cancer surgery and lost a half of a lung, and there is to be no smoking in the home according to his Drs. at Memorial Sloan Kettering. My father doesn't care about anyone but himself, and he'll tell you that. Please someone help me??? I'm crying terribly as I'm typing this. I also live in upstate NY. Thank you!

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Dear Cathymeyerny,

Please read every response on this post. All of these good people know that you cannot live like this. If you live with your father, somehow you need to move out. Do so and then call adult protective services and tell them that there is a man alone at this address and he may need their help. This is not for his sake but for yours. Someday, may be glad you did.

As pstegman said, find a job - any job – so that you can take care of yourself. If he has to go to the hospital, then that's where he stays until adult protective services decides what to do with him. You have no obligation to take care of someone who abused you so viciously as a child and who continues to abuse you.

You are the only one who can change this. Don't let anyone - even his doctor - lay any guilt on you. If some agency tries to push you into more caregiving, give them the names and contact information for your siblings. Tell them that you have been abused too much and that you will end up in the hospital if you don't get away. Tell them that you are done and they can work with your siblings.

If you need help right now call your local help line or 9-1-1. Many states have 2-1-1 where you can call with all kinds of questions. If your state does, they can guide you.

The main thing is for you to get away or get him out of your house. Call the police if you have to. Just don't back down.

Please contact us again and let us know how you are doing.

Carol
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I looked up the NY agency, it's Protective Services for Adults. ocfs.state.ny.us/main/psa/services

As long as you allow him to live there, in the eyes of the law, you are volunteering for the way he treats you, and they will do nothing to help stop the abuse. But, because he is elderly, if he decides to make your life miserable and report *you* for elder abuse, the state will believe him and investigate. I suggest you get him in the hospital with ALL his clothes/belongings in a plastic bag, and leave him there. Let their social worker make a placement, let Adult Services get him on medicaid and file the paperwork to get him a public guardian.

Don't buy him more cigarettes. If he falls on the way down to the store, fine! Just call 911, don't pick him up.
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I would throw him out. No joke. Pack up his stuff, set it on the front stoop. Tell him has to go. Hand him a list of senior agencies, phone numbers, etc. When he throws a fit, call the police. Have them escort him out.

Then wash your hands of him.

Side note: I would also look for a new therapist because one that hasn't got more advice than "pay someone to look after him" obviously doesn't understand your situation OR know about the services available in your area. Both of these are a therapist's job.
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Dear friend, I have been in a similar situation, horribly abused as a child. Mthr chose to walk away from me for 8 years because I laid down the law, that is, enforced a boundary. Then APS called for us to rescue her. The second or third time she hit me in the hospital waiting room, I remembered why I had not missed living in her home.
Let me tell you - your father does not deserve you. You are a kind strong person, and a good father wants their child to grow up, move on, and have a good life. Sadly, I think your bio father tore up his dad card a long time ago. It's time to stop his abuse.
Adult Protective Services exists because there are people that no one can help, whether from finances, attitude, all the relatives dying off. It does not matter. They are a government agency that we are all paying for (and I am the biggest proponent of small limited government you will find). Your dad is who APS was made for. He needs to be a ward of the state.
Contact Adult Protective Services. Tell him you cannot do this any longer, and he needs a public guardian. Get him admitted to an emergency room for flu, for a fever, for threatening to hurt you or him. Once he is there, walk away. Tell the social worker you will not take him home. Be firm.
You do not have to take care of him ever again. Hang in there, get him out of your home, and get some space so you can recover. I know what you are going through.
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Save yourself. No other agency is going to rescue you. You must do it. Does he live with you or do you live in his home? If he is in your house drop him at the hospital and refuse to take him back, or drop him on protective service doorstep and tell him he is homeless. Don't take him back. Get a elder lawyer, and refer all calls and pleas to the lawyer.
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Margarets, good point about the therapist, time to find another .. and I agree that paying someone, from your pocket, is so totally not the answer.
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This sounds like an ideal situation to have the state step in as guardian. Have a social worker from your county human resources come in to evaluate the situation. He needs to be out of your house and removed from your life. And for yourself -- find a job and keep your job. Don't destroy your own life anymore. IMO, you have no obligation to the man who made, and continues to make, your life so hard.
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Jessiemae - Make sure you consult a lawyer about the house. It would be just like him to tell you he put it in your name so you would pay the taxes and insurance!
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Get a job. He will pull another stunt that lands him in the hospital. Let him stay there, do not pick him up. You are the only one who can break the vicious cycle of abuse. Save your life and your sanity. Walk away.
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Just a passing thought .. is it possible to disavow, emancipate or something similarly legal from a parent? I'd be finding an attorney to cover my a$$ and get OUT, have a list of the phone numbers/contacts of my siblings to hand over to anyone who asks me to do the caregiving. The greatest hurdle to overcome after abuse is the sense or feeling that somehow it's deserved. You *know* better, but you've been trained to accept it, at some level and the body responds to what it knows. In the meanwhile, document: keep a diary with everything that transpires .. as much as you can tolerate writing down and then a bit more. Keep up with your therapy. Reach out for help for YOU. It's out there.
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